This person person in my life
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12-01-2012, 05:39 PM (This post was last modified: 12-01-2012 05:44 PM by Leela.)
This person person in my life
Attention, long post coming. If you are impatient or do not like to read very long posts, do not keep reading.
K, here we go:

There was a person, let's give her a name for the moment. ... Bitch... seems like a good name. Yes, let's call her bitch.

I want to tell you a story about the least moral person I have ever known in my life, and I have known a lot of people, as I moved a lot in my life.

So the story begins in my time of depression. I did not care about anything but my cats and guineapig at the time. My pets where what pretty much kept me going even if that sounds weird. I was not willing to live for any other reason and was pretty much just trying to make sure that "if something happens to me" my pets would go to the right hands.

During this time, I was still delusional and a witch, I was a member of a witchy forum. And Bitch was a member there, too. Actually she was a moderator. After I read a few of her posts I just felt that I do not like this person. I couldn't point to it but this feeling didn't leave me. Was it what she said, or how she said it? Was it her views on things or what? I still don't know, the forum doesn't exist anymore so I can't even go and look it up.
In this forum we had a chatbox that was embedded. There was never a lot going on in that chat but a few would always be there while online. So one evening I just watched Bitch and someone else chatting there. Wasn't spying, you could see in the box who is online and you could not hide.
At some point I came into the conversation. In the end only Bitch and me were left. I told her that I am looking for a job right now and so on. She told me about her job in the kichten of an italian restaurant. We hat a bit of mindless smalltalk.
Two days later she said that her boss was looking for a second ... let's say dumbass to do the shitty job in that kitchen.... and she said I could come by and have a trial day there and if it'd be fine, she would have a free room I could live with her.

She still lives there, on the other side of Germany. As I mentioned I did not care about myself by the time. I brought my pets to my mom and I borrowed money from Bitch for the train ticket. And I went there. I did the trial, I stayed, I started working illegally there because he did not want my data and he did not want to register me working there. I did not care I was happy with the 5 Euro per hour.
Bitch was very sensitive. She knew my state of mind by that time. She gave me the space I needed but was there for me when I needed someone to talk. Her husband, let's call him Puppy, was the same.
One day we went to a place of magical meaning in the area. The place is known by Germany's esotherics. Known to be very energetic and healing etc. We went there and performed a little ritual for me (just as useful as a prayer just more effort).

I am actually thankful for that part. I am honestly very thankful. Because in a time where I did not care if I am moving into a place of crazy people, where I did not care if she is mental and going to kill me in my sleep or whatever horrors come to mind, in that time she was the only one reaching out, helping me finding a way out of depression. At least out of the worst part of it.
She stayed supportive until I started building up myself. I was less depressive and I started making plans to start over with my life. I became pretty active on that part because I saw that I can have a future if I work on it. I helped her out of the marriage crisis she had. Got them to the point to understand the keyproblems of their relationship and get over it. (For some reason I am good at that stuff) They were as thankful for that as I was for their helping.

But I think that was the point when something clicked in her.
She was (and I assume she still iss) a very lazy person. Lazy on all levels. She doesn't like to learn things, she doesn't like to read stuff apart form magical things, she does not like to move, she does not like oposing opinions because she is always right, she blames everything that went wrong in her life on her mother, she does not want to work, she is not smart even for the fact that she read her last book when she was 14. Her opinions are a mess, not informed and mostly clichees and headlines she read somewhere. She was selfish on a level I have never seen before.
And I think that at the point when I became active and started working on my future, she realized all that.

And she became frustrated and she slowly started being an asshole.
Was tiny things in the beginning. Like "you didn't vacuum yesterday, can you do it now?" which is no problem of course but these tiny things became more frequent while I did not change my behavior she changed hers. She started being very naggy. So after my high of low depression I started sinking back into it.
I actually thought I am constantly doing stuff wrong. And I wanted to be nice and helpful and so on. But at some point it was not possible to please Bitch anymore.
I stuck to the householdplan, that she made, to the letter. That means I did my part of the chores early so she would not have a reason to keep nagging, but it was not enough. She always found another reason to nag and interrupt me with whatever I was doing.
I had started a small business by the time and was working from home. So to stop her from constantly rushing into my room because of some shit I made a sign "I am working, don't interrupt" and I put it on my door when I was working and when I wanted to be left alone because a simply closed door was nothing she would respect.

At some point during this time I met Malleus. Online - again online... Did I learn from my experience with Bitch? Nope! I wasn't naive about it. I fell in love with him but I knew he could just be a good actor and be completely crazy. But I didn't care just like in the beginning. If he was for real I would be the happiest woman in the world, if not I would be hurt, but that was nothing I cared about really.
He knew about the situation, we talked for hours every day. I kept analysing what he said and things were logic. He was either a very honest person who truly fell in love with me too or he was an intelligent crazy person trying to make me come to his place for whatever crazy reason. and a few month later he came to pick me up.

If you think this is the end of Bitch's story, you are wrong.
There were lot's of incidents, before I moved in with Malleus, that had proved to me that Bitch is a bitch. I knew already that she was talking badly of me behind my back and that she was a complete stalker to people she disliked. I knew how she acted towards such people.
So of course I found myself being stalked by Bitch. She was everywhere. On social networking, chats, name it she was there. I found one place where she got banned after I told the admins there that she is stalking me, and I had a very good reputation there. They banned her and it was the only place online where I could be sure she wouldn't be watching me.
But she kept accessing my profile, reading my blog (on a social network) and commenting hateful and bitchy to pretty much everything I posted. I posted mostly really good things about how much I liked it at my new place about the good experiences etc. But she always found something to bitch about so I banned everyone apart from my friendlist from watching my profile and kicked her off that list. I also found other places and a different username so she wouldn't find me anymore, I deleted my homepage and I googled myself several times to delete ALL personal information there has ever been on me on the world wide web.

One of the last things I heard of her was the question why I never said "Good Bye" to her when I left. I think she missed the fact that the evening before I left she didn't talk a word to me, before that it was hateful things she said, and the day I left she stayed out of the apartment until I was gone.

Great person ... BITCH

This is for you BITCH >> Fuck you, you are still stupid and lazy, I work for a great company in a job I like and make nice money! Fuck you, loser!

I think she is a bitch but I still don't really hate her, she is miserable but I can dislike her very much for what she did to me. Yep that seems egoistic but by now I am of the opinion that I am worth better than what she did to me. Helping me out of depression and then pushing me back into it.

Was I right about my first feeling on her? Yes. Should I have listened to that feeling? Maybe, but on the other hand I would most like not have met my husband.
And by the way just to solve wether Malleus is a crazy person. Yes, he is - in a lovely way Smile

cheers

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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12-01-2012, 05:50 PM
RE: This person person in my life
Ugh, I've known people like that. That sort of thing sticks with you. I still have nightmares about meeting someone again from my life that was like that. Angry
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12-01-2012, 07:53 PM
RE: This person person in my life
Oh dear. It appears that I might sound like a dick here but whatever.

If you have a problem with this person then do something about it. Stop running and fight dam you. I don't care how nor do I care with what effectiveness, just stop these meaningless games once and for all.

When I have a problem with someone I tell them. Face to face and in person regardless of the repercussions. I'm not trying to be a dick but you really need to grab this problem and break it. Or don't and live with the thought of this women constantly stalking you for the rest of your life.

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12-01-2012, 08:53 PM
RE: This person person in my life
Sometimes we wish we could go back and avoid certain people or situations. It sounds like you really want to know if your instinct about her was right. Yes, it probably was. You probably 'read' her correctly. Should you have avoided her? Probably, and probably in the future people like this should be avoided. But, in the end it left you from a path in life where you learnt a lot and met someone who is important to you and you got to see as the opposite as her and appreciate it too. That is nice. Now your judgement is keener, and if you find yourself in a similar rough spot again you are wiser for your choices. Smile
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13-01-2012, 02:26 PM
RE: This person person in my life
Hamata k
Back then I did something about it, as much I could. I talked to her tons of times. Everytime she was the one who started crying and acting like a victim. There was no getting through to her. Either she started crying or she started bitching even worse, no logic or pattern behind it.
So what I did about it in the end was to leave the place.
But you might know people, just like kineo said, they stick in your mind. You won't get rid of them.
I always talk to the problem I have a problem with, be it private or at work. In many cases it works very well, it just didn't work with this one.

I didn't start this thread to whine or cry about it. It was more an open letter, it was a relief to get it out. You might also know this kind of feeling. It feels good to have things said/written.
For some reason I keep comparing myself with this person. And every time I improve my life in some way I am proud of myself and in my mind I keep having a wonderful feeling of not being like her after all, because she made me feel like a failure. But I am working towards the life I always wanted and so far it looks like I am on the right track Smile Doesn't seem like failing to me Smile

I might keep posting Bitch-stories here. Most likely things that annoyed me and made me leave that place even faster than it was planned.

Oh and about the chosen name. I am sorry if someone feels offended or thinks I am acting like an asshole calling her a name like that but she really earned that name. Not to mention that looking deep into yourself you find yourself doing that anyway with people you don't like. I am simply not holding back and yes I would even call her that name right in the face knowingly that she would try to punch me for it (yes she would).

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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13-01-2012, 02:33 PM
RE: This person person in my life
I understand where you are coming from. I think that we are different breeds however. I have no current problems with anyoneSmile because I dealt with them until they disappeared. Perhaps you cannot do such a thing at the moment or you do not see it as a viable option.
I apologize if I sounded angry or rude as it was not my intention.

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13-01-2012, 02:39 PM
RE: This person person in my life
No it's fine Hama
I also did get where you are coming from. I know there are a lot of people complaining about stuff and never doing anything about it. But I am not such a person. I did what I could to get along with her, didn't work so I left. I left the country as a whole and do not intend to go back so I will most likely not meet her again but never say never and at least by now I learned from all that happened there.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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13-01-2012, 03:13 PM (This post was last modified: 13-01-2012 03:21 PM by houseofcantor.)
RE: This person person in my life
(12-01-2012 07:53 PM)Hamata k Wrote:  Oh dear. It appears that I might sound like a dick here but whatever.

If you have a problem with this person then do something about it. Stop running and fight dam you. I don't care how nor do I care with what effectiveness, just stop these meaningless games once and for all.

When I have a problem with someone I tell them. Face to face and in person regardless of the repercussions. I'm not trying to be a dick but you really need to grab this problem and break it. Or don't and live with the thought of this women constantly stalking you for the rest of your life.

One thing I love about being the pontificator of zero-state? Some people just know, zero-state.

But I ain't really saying nothing against the Leela who rants; rather I consider the standardized character in the "Leela role" of the anecdote, having been there and stuff. There was this guy, started being all friendly and shit; one time I mention my name is ellenjanuary - and he goes, well I ain't gonna call you ellen 'cause I was told your name was Eddie...

And you know that dog look? Where you tilt your head; 'cause reality just went sideways? I knew my ways were willing down the road of damnation; but that's the price of integrity - that "I love," that the desire to "will love" naturally arises from the entropic consideration of "being love?" I love that guy. The future potential still exists that I will kill him; but that too, is zero-state.

The things we say that we all kinda agree on? "I" is the identifier not only of self, but also of "that which assigns value." Easy-peasy when you're crazy like me, to recognize this inherent duality of I. To kick me in the teeth and piss down my throat; may or may not be an invitation to combat. But to "break bread" with me in a context of shared identity - which is exactly what cohabitation is - and betray the social contract underscoring the shared identity to moralize against my singular identity?

Blaspheme of the Gwynnies.

Lemme code it up like Kant, right now... The highest moral? "I love" Love is Void - unconditional - the condition of I brings a sense of moral certainty - "I" that loves is the "I" that gets wrecked. Seems there's always a duality in the identity somewheres, with Love it is a choice between "I love/I get wrecked" or "I love not/I get it wrong"

That guy in my example received several servings of whup-ass resulting from his moral stratagem yet having developed local contacts kept him lingering in the locality. Where I am quite sure I was the last to see him; giving me a wave, tying to act like we could be friends. Earning himself the look, emotional context clear in my "presentation" (you know, like a frilly lizard) from twenty paces.

Since my "pontificate" button is stuck; if I'm "identifying" something. it is the scientific hypothesis of electromagnetic communication through emotional context.

So the Bitch could not be "least moral," with the consideration of her being a primate "feeding" off of her intuitive - and entirely immoral - use of emotional context and identity to reinforce the self at the expense of others.

We all got zero-state; only thing I was ever good for, loving that dang Gwynnies. Wink
(13-01-2012 02:33 PM)Hamata k Wrote:  ...because I dealt with them until they disappeared.





Zero-state has always been the absolute in expression. Cool

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13-01-2012, 03:53 PM
RE: This person person in my life
(13-01-2012 02:39 PM)Leela Wrote:  No it's fine Hama
I also did get where you are coming from. I know there are a lot of people complaining about stuff and never doing anything about it. But I am not such a person. I did what I could to get along with her, didn't work so I left. I left the country as a whole and do not intend to go back so I will most likely not meet her again but never say never and at least by now I learned from all that happened there.

Yes, but it does appear she's taking up space in your head, rent-free.

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
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13-01-2012, 04:03 PM
RE: This person person in my life
Wait... you're married to Malleus... like our Malleus?

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