This scar, this depression
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05-06-2014, 10:14 PM (This post was last modified: 05-06-2014 10:26 PM by Charis.)
This scar, this depression
It's 6-7".
14 stitches.
It's now summer; short-sleeves weather. I have to cover it. It's too new still for a tatoo.
Yes, it's a suicide scar, and it's a bad one. It's not your usual "surface scratch."

You don't understand! Guys flirt with me, they give me all these compliments, some of them try to sleep with me (some succeed... love ya, Guley), but they always give this blank look when they ask what I do with friends for fun and I tell them that I pretty much keep to myself. I don't go out with friends. I don't really HAVE friends. I have acquaintances that I'm fond of.

Martial arts is my only "outside" activity and its biggest use is therapeutic so that the depression is kept at bay. It's literally a lifesaver. The only one in class who knows what I'm hiding is my instructor. The rest have been given my "fight with vicious garden gnomes" bs as explanation about why I wrap my wrist. Well that and the arthritis, which is kinda convenient in this case so that I'm not lying when I say my wrist hurts.

I tried to take my life and failed. Many have also tried and failed, minus the physical and very stigmatizing evidence of it, because of the method they were about to use.

In some ways, I guess I actually succeeded, since, is this a life?

It's a gash. A shiny red gash. My OTHER wrist is cute, dainty, slender, whatever... it's what my wrists should look like.... and then there's this 7" gash up my left forearm that practically screams "she's crazy, keep away!" if I don't keep it covered.

The mark of the mentally unbalanced or the deranged. It will be forever a "red flag" for anyone who would otherwise think of dating me. And why shouldn't it be? It's not as if I've had the most stable life, and it hasn't left me with the strongest emotional disposition. Perpetual abuse leaves its mark, and most guys don't want "baggage."


I don't even know what I'm asking or saying or wanting.... just writing.

A person very dear to me was badly hurt through a misunderstanding and miscommunication. For this, I am sorry, and he knows it. That said, any blaming me for malicious intent is for the birds. I will not wear some scarlet letter, I will not be anybody's whipping girl, and I will not lurk in silence.
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05-06-2014, 10:39 PM (This post was last modified: 05-06-2014 10:44 PM by Lightvader.)
RE: This scar, this depression
Come here you Hug
you have friends. You have us. You have guley,smerc,losty,and so many others here. And you chat with us for fun. Tell them that.

PS,don't try suicide again, you'll make me Weeping . You don't want to make LV Weeping ,do you?

I don't really like going outside.
It's too damn "peopley" out there....
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05-06-2014, 10:59 PM
RE: This scar, this depression
There isn't enough Hug that I can give you but I sure as heck will try,

Here:

Hug
Hug
Hug

I know it might not feel that way right now, but you have much to live for. What LV said. You have friends. You can talk to us.

BTW, I don't think that scar is proof of mental derangement. Sure taken by itself it is a cause for concern. But reading your posts here, and talking to you in general, shows that you are a lovely, caring, smart, snarky (this is a good thing. Smile), beautiful person.

The world needs more people like you around. You make the world a better place just by being in it.

Oh, and Hug

Big Grin


If you don't want a sarcastic answer, don't ask stupid questions. Drinking Beverage
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06-06-2014, 12:21 AM
RE: This scar, this depression
[Image: 130094268836.jpg]

Don't sweat the details. Those who care won't mind, and those who don't care won't know. You don't owe an explanation to anyone, and if anyone asks you can just give them the glib 'garden gnomes' answer (I'd go with car accident personally, my friend survived a really bad one and has a 9' scar down his arm to prove it).

Just do you, and take care of yourself. We'll be here when you need us. Cool

[Image: E3WvRwZ.gif]
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06-06-2014, 01:03 AM
RE: This scar, this depression
I understand completely, I have a matching pair myself.
Spring was my favorite time of year, now it's short sleeves season.
I try to think of them as reminders of where I once was and where I can be again.

The scars below the surface, the ones that don't show, those are the ones I really hate.
Getting out and being around other people helps the depression if I can manage to get myself to do it.

I just wanted to let you know you're not alone and I can relate to some of your thoughts and feelings.
Stay strong.
Hug
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06-06-2014, 01:29 AM (This post was last modified: 06-06-2014 01:34 AM by Mathilda.)
RE: This scar, this depression
Maybe you should try uncovering your arms during your martial arts. It's not like it's the whole world but it is a single environment where you can learn to be less self conscious about it. Think about it, it's martial arts. People don't just do it for health and fitness but also to learn self defence and some people are motivated to learn that for different reasons. Either way, people are a little bit more wary about saying things to someone with a large scar when they are currently throwing punches and kicks in their direction.

I have a similar scar across my neck from thyroid surgery. I first had it in my 20's which is unusual but the surgeon did a terrible job of closing it up again. My neck was literally stapled up. It's even worse with my pale skin. It was useful for Halloween. It made it look like I had brilliant make-up skills. Oh and it's also useful when potential attackers are sizing you up as a victim.

The scar started to fade after a few years but then I went back and a plastic surgeon gave me a much better scar which is now not really that noticeable. I can tell if someone's eyes drop downwards when they are talking to me and people don't do that any more. I remember speaking to someone at work once and she revealed that she had the same scar. I had never realised.

Fighting with garden gnomes is a good excuse. I'm going to remember that. My favourite was that it was a paper cut. I haven't needed it in years.

But there is a second reason for learning to be out about it. You don't want to hide who you are. The scar acts as a useful filter. If a man is going to be put off because of a scar after he goes through the whole chat up routine, or if a friend is going to be freaked out once they see it, then it means that they weren't worth bothering about to begin with. When my husband and I were first checking each other out as potential mates we both revealed our skeletons straight away and tried to shock each other. When that failed we moved onto the second stage.

If I were to come across someone at a party with a scar like yours, they'd be the first person I'd talk to. They would probably be the most interesting person there and someone I could relate to on some level. And I wouldn't even mention the scar.

By uncovering your arms at a martial arts lesson you can learn to not be self conscious about it.

And lastly hugs. I fully understand how you feel about it. Don't think of it as a scar. Think of it as a battle wound from life where you won. How cool is that? You have real reason to be proud of that scar.
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06-06-2014, 01:55 AM
RE: This scar, this depression
(05-06-2014 10:14 PM)Charis Wrote:  It's 6-7".
14 stitches.
...
Martial arts
...

Forgive me, please. I'm in solution-mode.

It seems obvious to me...
Scar + martial arts = "I was slow but I'm faster now"
[Image: ninja%20star%20throw.gif]
But it will only work if you go around dressed like this:
[Image: 3c1d5ef103ed0879b87ce965fa45ec64.jpg]

This, however, is much more troubling:

(05-06-2014 10:14 PM)Charis Wrote:  ...some of them try to sleep with me (some succeed... love ya, Guley),
...
screams "she's crazy, keep away!"
...

Tongue
Hug

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06-06-2014, 02:30 AM (This post was last modified: 06-06-2014 02:49 AM by rampant.a.i..)
This scar, this depression
I don't know how well I can actually relate, but I do know scarring can be especially traumatizing for women, regardless of where it is.

My sister and I had cystic acne growing up, and while most of it faded for me just from shaving -- I used to look across between Edward James Olmos in Blade Runner and Robert Davi on The Profiler -- most of it faded from shaving.

I also have a large surgical incision scar on my arm.

My sister has been on dermabrasion and UV treatment for years.

Having been through the acne, I did not care about a few pockmarks when I met my lady, nor did I care about the hashmarks on her forearm.

I know where it's from, I understand why she did it from a tenuous grasp on basic psychology and what she's told me, and I've been through an incident where she did the same thing with the a thankfully very dull pair of hair shears.

And thankfully she was having a moment, and wasn't serious enough to reach for any of the case of S30V folding knives in my display case.

But that neither here nor there. The best people in life have problems in life, plural. There is always going to be a difference between meeting someone at a club or a bar, and their snap assessment of you, versus whether or not they're actually interested.

Based on what little I know about you, you seem like a smart, caring, selfless individual who did nothing wrong but assume everyone is the same way you are, went in to your last relationship, with the best of intentions, and sandwiched a fundamental attribution error on top of that.

The best people in my life have been through, and continue to go through some of the worst situations imaginable, but come out with flying colors.

I met my wife on an off night at a shitty karaoke bar she happened to play in a pool league at, with a group of friends I've known for 10 years, who just happened to have known her for close to 10 years.

They were quick to not only define her as "a girl with issues," but with a tacit "just what do you want with my little sister" attitude. I didn't care.

The only reason we stated dating as equals, I kid you not, is because I met her on an off night where I was recently single, and on top of my game, and she was wearing a baggy sweater and leggings with no makeup, and her hair pulled up in a ponytail.

I wouldn't have walked up and talked to her, had I seen how she cleans up. She was just an interesting, funny, acerbic girl I couldn't stop talking to.

We now count the night after we met as our anniversary. It's taken years to undo the idea that I was somehow "above her" because of the image I presented vs. her self image.

Don't sell yourself short because you have a scar. Stop looking, and start being. You have the unique opportunity, because of your background, to be nothing but yourself, and revel in it.

Your scars aren't you. They don't define you. You are what defines the meaning of the marks you have, and anyone worthwhile is only going to want to know the significance.

I still wake up next to a Christina Hendricks look-alike every day, and still have times where I have to convince her I think she's pretty. I don't know what the female equivalent of that is, but you can have it too.

There's a guy out there who feels the same way about you, make sure you're not too busy obsessing over a scar with an amazing story behind it to meet him.

β€œIt is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts.”
― Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Sherlock Holmes
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06-06-2014, 03:59 AM
RE: This scar, this depression
My fiance has a lot of self inflicted scars. Its pretty difficult not to feel self conscious about it I know. Its like you are advertising something, and you are neither proud of it nor keen on talking about it.

My fiance has a tattoo on her wrist that says "love" and another one on her inner elbow that says "your mind is playing tricks on you". Its a picture of a home that looks normal being reflected as if its horrible and run down. She still has episodes every now and again, but I think the tattoos have helped her. If you decide to cover it up, I think it could be helpful to get something that doesn't just bury the scar, but reminds you of where you were and how far you have come.

You know of course that you have friends here. Heart . If might be time to reach out to more people in "real life" though. I would recommend platonic friends first. Someone who doesn't expect anything from you.

Do try and stay positive. Lean on us any time you need too Heart Hug
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06-06-2014, 12:24 PM
RE: This scar, this depression
Thank you so much for all of your kind words everyone. I can't really think up a fitting reply at the moment, but I've read all of them. Heart

A person very dear to me was badly hurt through a misunderstanding and miscommunication. For this, I am sorry, and he knows it. That said, any blaming me for malicious intent is for the birds. I will not wear some scarlet letter, I will not be anybody's whipping girl, and I will not lurk in silence.
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