This scar, this depression
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07-06-2014, 03:58 PM
RE: This scar, this depression
I wouldn't care. People have scars from all kinds of reasons.

Charis you just be you...You're a sweet person and you strike me as pretty self aware -- always a good thing. You also never know who you might help even if they never speak to you. Sometimes just learning your not alone is the best thing.

Hug


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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07-06-2014, 04:45 PM (This post was last modified: 07-06-2014 04:57 PM by Luminon.)
RE: This scar, this depression
(05-06-2014 10:14 PM)Charis Wrote:  The mark of the mentally unbalanced or the deranged. It will be forever a "red flag" for anyone who would otherwise think of dating me. And why shouldn't it be? It's not as if I've had the most stable life, and it hasn't left me with the strongest emotional disposition. Perpetual abuse leaves its mark, and most guys don't want "baggage."


I don't even know what I'm asking or saying or wanting.... just writing.
I'm so sorry. I can imagine some of what you probably went through.

The little I know about psychology says, repressed feelings don't disappear. They get stronger. And they get covered up by more and more abstract layers until we don't recognize the original feelings anymore. What started as getting attacked, and a normal anger and hate reaction was not allowed to be expressed as such. Further attacks turned it into fear. But fear wasn't allowed either, so it turned into sadness. Sadness wasn't allowed either, so it turned into emotional flatness. And emotional flatness in people's 20's when they get to safety from abusive family, it may start coming apart. That is literally the forbidden knowledge, forbidden even to you.

So cutting yourself isn't necessarily crazy. In fact it's probably not crazy at all. A professional should definitely look at you. However, I have a little theory. You resisted a lot of attacks and pain in your life. The only sense of security in your life came from being able to resist attacks and pain. So now that you're reasonably safe, there are no attacks, no pain, so you lost all your source of security and strength. If you are a warrior and it's all peace, well, what will you do? Make some trouble. No problems for a warrior is the greatest anxiety. You may avoid this anxiety by making painful, dangerous and scary situations, but this is only an anxiety management.

But it may not be the case with self-harm. People get usually someone else to play an attack scenario for them - me and Cjlr, for example. Self-harm might be a more basic attempt at getting the pain out somehow.

Who doesn't have a baggage, never had to risk anything, never had to be afraid or overcome adversity. However, unlike MSBB, I wouldn't call you self-aware. You may be protecting someone who really deserves to be cut. I don't say you should or need to. Evil people have often very miserable lives. You can see them by looking for people who have or used to have power over others, yet have lots of problems and blame everyone else.
In any case, you're ready for therapy and I believe you can be helped. However, it means going through the way of the greatest resistance. The thing you avoid by cutting yourself, the depression or anxiety, there will be no avoiding. What you confront, you experience, but release and it will bother you no more, not in this way.

Would I date you? Nope! I wouldn't date myself in the state that I am. That which we disown in ourselves and do not take responsibility for, has to be repeated. There is no little randomness in human soul. We are comets of high velocity orbiting in the trajectory of our parents. Changing our trajectory requires enormous self-knowledge, work and courage. We are on the "best" way to become our parents, we already speak their languages, believe their religions and we follow their personhood model.
If I loved myself, I'd recommend myself a therapy to get better and THEN date myself. Not dating, therapy and facing one's demons does not have to mean abandonment, although with me it is the case. But I'd rather be abandoned with myself than to be with evil people and self-erase to not provoke attacks. I will deal with this and then I will learn again how does this emotional connection thing work. I tell you, it can be done. The world is scientific and with science, anything can be done, there are no limits, there is a way to everything, even if only theoretical. Calling things their true names gives us control.
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07-06-2014, 05:18 PM
RE: This scar, this depression
You realize I proclaimed you as a dream girl, after I had seen that scar, right?

You're the coolest thing on 2 feet, baby doll Yes Drooling Heart Hug Bowing

Consider Now I just need to find that love potion I misplaced somewhere around here, and the world would be perfect Tongue

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07-06-2014, 06:00 PM
RE: This scar, this depression
(07-06-2014 05:18 PM)TheGulegon Wrote:  ...
Consider Now I just need to find that love potion I misplaced somewhere around here, and the world would be perfect Tongue

You won't find it.

I stole it.

She's mine Evil_monster Mine I tell you! Hobo

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07-06-2014, 06:37 PM
RE: This scar, this depression
(07-06-2014 06:00 PM)DLJ Wrote:  
(07-06-2014 05:18 PM)TheGulegon Wrote:  ...
Consider Now I just need to find that love potion I misplaced somewhere around here, and the world would be perfect Tongue

You won't find it.

I stole it.

She's mine Evil_monster Mine I tell you! Hobo

Tongue
[Image: i-challenge-you-to-a-duel.jpg]

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07-06-2014, 09:34 PM
RE: This scar, this depression
Scars are sexy. Scars got stories.

#sigh
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07-06-2014, 10:03 PM
RE: This scar, this depression
(((Hugs)))) so now you have a reminder of what NOT to do.

When I want your opinion I'll read your entrails.
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07-06-2014, 10:07 PM
RE: This scar, this depression
Encouragement and stories of how others have/do deal with scars are a help. To say 'don't worry about it or I wouldn't worry about it' diminishes the internal pain felt by the person bearing a scar or scars.

I get it - I feel it every day though my scars are always covered. I know they are there and what they mean/meant.

If you need to talk Charis - PM me.

Heart

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
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08-06-2014, 12:14 AM
RE: This scar, this depression
You guys are amazing and I love you all <3


I actually went to the store yesterday with the scar uncovered. I paid for stuff without hiding it. This was the first time I've done this.

Thank you.

A person very dear to me was badly hurt through a misunderstanding and miscommunication. For this, I am sorry, and he knows it. That said, any blaming me for malicious intent is for the birds. I will not wear some scarlet letter, I will not be anybody's whipping girl, and I will not lurk in silence.
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08-06-2014, 12:18 AM
RE: This scar, this depression
(08-06-2014 12:14 AM)Charis Wrote:  You guys are amazing and I love you all <3


I actually went to the store yesterday with the scar uncovered. I paid for stuff without hiding it. This was the first time I've done this.

Thank you.

That's awesome! Heart


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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