This scar, this depression
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01-07-2014, 02:05 AM
RE: This scar, this depression
(05-06-2014 10:14 PM)Charis Wrote:  It's 6-7".
14 stitches.
It's now summer; short-sleeves weather. I have to cover it. It's too new still for a tatoo.
Yes, it's a suicide scar, and it's a bad one. It's not your usual "surface scratch."

You don't understand! Guys flirt with me, they give me all these compliments, some of them try to sleep with me (some succeed... love ya, Guley), but they always give this blank look when they ask what I do with friends for fun and I tell them that I pretty much keep to myself. I don't go out with friends. I don't really HAVE friends. I have acquaintances that I'm fond of.

Martial arts is my only "outside" activity and its biggest use is therapeutic so that the depression is kept at bay. It's literally a lifesaver. The only one in class who knows what I'm hiding is my instructor. The rest have been given my "fight with vicious garden gnomes" bs as explanation about why I wrap my wrist. Well that and the arthritis, which is kinda convenient in this case so that I'm not lying when I say my wrist hurts.

I tried to take my life and failed. Many have also tried and failed, minus the physical and very stigmatizing evidence of it, because of the method they were about to use.

In some ways, I guess I actually succeeded, since, is this a life?

It's a gash. A shiny red gash. My OTHER wrist is cute, dainty, slender, whatever... it's what my wrists should look like.... and then there's this 7" gash up my left forearm that practically screams "she's crazy, keep away!" if I don't keep it covered.

The mark of the mentally unbalanced or the deranged. It will be forever a "red flag" for anyone who would otherwise think of dating me. And why shouldn't it be? It's not as if I've had the most stable life, and it hasn't left me with the strongest emotional disposition. Perpetual abuse leaves its mark, and most guys don't want "baggage."

I don't even know what I'm asking or saying or wanting.... just writing.

So, three things to say to this:

1) When I was training to be certified as a personal trainer, my instructor was a beautiful 40-something chick with a very similar scar down her wrist. I simply assumed (and she later confirmed) it was a carpel-tunnel scar.

2) When I worked in construction, I had a coworker who also had a similar scar. Turns out it was from an accident with the table-saw. My advice? Play it off like it's no big thing if it's really that much of a concern.

3) Personally, I'd own the fuck out of it. Being suicidal myself, I've thought about tattooing "Down, Not Across" on my left wrist as a kind of darkly humorous reminder of the shit I deal with/have dealt with. But, you have to understand, I simply "don't give a fuck" in a general sense. We all go through shit, and sometimes we deal with it in arguably unhealthy ways. That's life.

I can promise you that there's a guy out there somewhere (myself included) who won't care. If anything, you'll find yourself laying in bed with him as he glides his fingertips along the scar; thinking to himself how happy he is that you failed in your attempt and that you're there with him. It'll just be part of who you are, and he'll accept it, because he'll love you. A grown, mature man knows that EVERYONE has a past of some sort, and everyone has "baggage." It won't matter that you made a mistake. It won't matter that you had a moment of weakness and wanted to opt out. I've been there multiple times myself. Sometimes it happens, and sometimes we fail - either due to a resurgence of willpower, a last-minute change of heart, or because some asshole found/saved us before it could run its course.

What matters is that you're here now, and any man who is worth a damn isn't going to look at your scar and think "I don't need any of that noise." Instead, they're going to look at it and want to be of some help. They'll see you and love you for who and what you are - flaws and all - and they'll want to be the thing that makes you want to live. They'll want that because you matter just that much. They'll want to make you want to live, because you make them want to live.

As others have said: don't hide it. Own it. Yes, life sucked. Sure, it probably still does. Yes, you failed in your attempt(s?) to opt out. Yes, you're left with a permanent signal to the world that you tried to off yourself.

To those who don't matter, this is a "red flag" to keep away. To those who do, this is a green flag to step in and be who and what you deserve. The former are of no importance. The latter are the ones to look forward to.

Through profound pain comes profound knowledge.
Ridi, Pagliaccio, sul tuo amore infranto! Ridi del duol, che t'avvelena il cor!
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