Thoughts of suicide
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11-08-2013, 05:30 PM
RE: Thoughts of suicide
Yup I know what you are going through. I'd still keep trying different medications, and seek help from a psychologist, as well as a psychiatrist.

The medication will help relieve your symptoms of depression, but depression is still a part of you that you will have to work at identifying. Interrupt your self when you are feeling down and review your thoughts, if you find you are sad with very little reason to be sad then realize you are simply in a depressive episode that will pass. Also seek out others who have depression and are trying to get themselves out of it. They might have some insights that would be useful.

In the shortest version possible.

Manage your depression, and medication helps, but isn't a cure. Support groups help a lot. Sometimes helping somebody else will teach you to help yourself.

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11-08-2013, 05:43 PM (This post was last modified: 11-08-2013 05:55 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: Thoughts of suicide
(11-08-2013 03:13 AM)Lumion Wrote:  Has anybody gone through this?

Many times. I prepped my own nitrogen exit bag decades ago and I periodically gaze at now and then and maintain the gear when the need arises. Used to peer at it a couple times a year when I was younger. "Depend upon it, sir, when a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully." - Samuel Johnson

Only need it a few times a decade now. "The absurd man will not commit suicide; he wants to live, without relinquishing any of his certainty, without a future, without hope, without illusions … and without resignation either. He stares at death with passionate attention and this fascination liberates him. He experiences the 'divine irresponsibility' of the condemned man," - Sartre

"I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas."




As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
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11-08-2013, 06:36 PM
RE: Thoughts of suicide
(11-08-2013 03:13 AM)Lumion Wrote:  How do you begin to tell someone that you want to die?

Does anybody understand that? Do you understand what that means?
It means that you have a problem with life. Me too. Hard to figure out, this life thing. Hard to perceive what is it about.

(11-08-2013 03:13 AM)Lumion Wrote:  But inside I'm miserable with my lot in life. I've been through a lot of shit and its reached a point that I can't see anything better for myself in the future.

I feel rejected by my peers, unwelcome when I attempt to socialize with the people I want to be with.
Me too! Actually, I don't know what people I want to be with, it's not so clear to me. You had more time to figure that out, anyway. At least you can see what do you want, congratulations.
However, I discovered there may be medical, neurological causes for that. Socializing is a very, very difficult skill and it uses many specialized brain centers and circuits. It is not a rocket science, but it requires these centers operating at very high speed with lots of parallel processing of information from many various sources at once. If there's anything wrong with the social hardware, you will make social mistakes, you will not realize it, people will sense you're a little off and they will reject you.
( I see it works already - a terrible taste for choosing nicknames, I must say! Tongue )

You have to review your life, especially the teenage years, for such responses from people. Yes, I mean mild autism spectrum disorders. Meds don't work on it and doctors have many misconceptions about it, especially with adults, even though it is an extremely common disorder. You'd do the best to take an online test for Asperger's Syndrome, you need to exclude that possibility.

(11-08-2013 03:13 AM)Lumion Wrote:  I suspect I was one of those people who should have never been born. That I just don't have the capability to function and thrive in this world.

The irony is that I'm healthy and in good shape. I'm good looking or at least I think I am. I might seem like I have a lot of potential.

But it's a house of cards. I've seen the edge of my limits. I know there's not much left.
It's like landing on a wrong planet, isn't it? Go get your Asperger's test, you can share the score. I'm sorry if that's not your problem, but it's so often missed in adults that you just have to try that. It would help you to make a more informed decision.

(11-08-2013 03:13 AM)Lumion Wrote:  If a god does exist, I hate him. He made this mess and then has the tamarity to demand I love him and be grateful for it. If he existed as a man, I would kill him without hesitation and figure I was doing the world a great favor.

The only thing I wish I could do is convince my family that death this is the best thing. If I do take my life, it will hurt them terribly, and that is the last thing I want to do.

Has anybody gone through this?
Yeah, when I had about 4 years, just a little boy. It wasn't intentional, but it almost worked. I had similar feelings and thoughts about life, as a result I pretty much stopped eating and developed a serious case of anaemia and malnutrition and was perfectly at peace with that. Doctors had to repeat the test to be sure, they said I should have been long dead with such hemoglobin levels.

Did it get any better? No, not really, not until about 20 years later, when I did my Asperger's test, not until I started meditating a couple hours a day, not until I started doing something I totally love. It's still far from perfect, but I know where's the problem now.
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11-08-2013, 09:25 PM
RE: Thoughts of suicide
Thanks for all the kind words,

As I stated before, I've talked with mental health professionals in the past about depression and explored anti depressants as a solution, but it didn't seem to do any good. I have concluded by problems are not biochemical in nature, or at least ones which these drugs are not suited to deal with.

I also have a great deal of fear admitting I feel this way to a psychiatrist as the would probably order me hospitalized. The last thing I need is to be confined to a mental institution and drugged into submission, with the pain muted and numbed away, turning me into a medicated zombie who suffers in silence with no means to end my torments. If I decide to die, I want to do it on my terms. I do not need the state or well meaning but clueless busybodies interfering with the process.

That's why I'm writing this anonymously here. It's a chance to talk about this stuff here and vent without worry or fear of being discovered by family or friends.
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12-08-2013, 02:28 AM
RE: Thoughts of suicide
(11-08-2013 09:25 PM)Lumion Wrote:  Thanks for all the kind words,

As I stated before, I've talked with mental health professionals in the past about depression and explored anti depressants as a solution, but it didn't seem to do any good. I have concluded by problems are not biochemical in nature, or at least ones which these drugs are not suited to deal with.

I also have a great deal of fear admitting I feel this way to a psychiatrist as the would probably order me hospitalized. The last thing I need is to be confined to a mental institution and drugged into submission, with the pain muted and numbed away, turning me into a medicated zombie who suffers in silence with no means to end my torments. If I decide to die, I want to do it on my terms. I do not need the state or well meaning but clueless busybodies interfering with the process.

That's why I'm writing this anonymously here. It's a chance to talk about this stuff here and vent without worry or fear of being discovered by family or friends.
That's why I posted you a link to Asperger's test.
- It's not biochemical and has nothing to do with depression. It's just a brain grown in a different way, which leads to subtle differences in everything we do, which leads to social rejection, which leads to depression. I found the discovery as a great help, so now I spread the word.
- You can test yourself on the net. You will not get hospitalized anyway, there's no cure. The cure is learning what the hell is it about.

You can of course die, that's your right. People do it all the time and nobody ever complained. The question whether it is a good idea or not. And you can answer that by getting better informed, by taking one online test.
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12-08-2013, 04:29 AM
RE: Thoughts of suicide
Yes do take the Asperger test. I had no idea that I had the diagnose
and got very surprised but now with hindsight I have to agree.

So many things is typical. Lack of expected ways to show empathy
I do have a lot of empathy but as many aspergers point out we may
not show it in the expected ways.

So I agree that do makes us a bit more depressed because we are different.

My best advice is to be active. You should have projects that absorb you.
The Flow is helpful to be totally absorbed in something that you love to do.

Could involve people but don't have to. To be active help to fight depression as I get it.

Good that you know how extremely oppressive the law can be.
So we leave that topic. Promise to test asperger on many pages
so you get many nuanced answers.
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12-08-2013, 06:37 AM
RE: Thoughts of suicide
(11-08-2013 06:36 PM)Luminon Wrote:  Did it get any better? No, not really, not until about 20 years later, when I did my Asperger's test, not until I started meditating a couple hours a day, NOT UNTIL I STARTED DOING SOMETHING I TOTALLY LOVE . It's still far from perfect, but I know where's the problem now.

That. You need to find something that engages you, something that fascinates you, and pursue it. It makes all the difference. It does not matter what it is or if anyone shares it, but it has to capture YOUR interest. It doesn't matter either whether it is like a whole career or something you do 5 minutes a day - you just got to love it.

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12-08-2013, 01:24 PM
RE: Thoughts of suicide
I can only speak for myself. In the entirety of my thinking life I have considered suicide as a possibility.

The only period when it was not a frequent thought was when I was actively raising my children. Now as I approach mortality (67 in november) I think about it frequently. I will not however burden my family with that act. I have some personal experience since my brother in law committed suicide and I saw the negative effects on his/our family.

I have also been for the most part disappointed in my life. I have made so many bad decisions that I would be loath to admit all of them. I was never as good at my job as I should have been. I have multiple personality disorders that color my interaction with others. I can hate in a moment things and people around me. I can say horrible things to people without even thinking. I am not always a decent person.

I think that you have gotten more than enough responses that indicate you are not unique in thinking about suicide. It can be the curse of life. Life ain't easy and sometimes you want to end it. You are not alone.
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12-08-2013, 07:52 PM
RE: Thoughts of suicide
(12-08-2013 01:24 PM)JAH Wrote:  I will not however burden my family with that act. I have some personal experience since my brother in law committed suicide and I saw the negative effects on his/our family.

If you were to realize you are getting dementia, what would you do? You would be a painful burden to your family. Would they not accept your exit under such circumstances?

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12-08-2013, 10:25 PM
RE: Thoughts of suicide
I took the Asperger's quiz. Aspie score of 119-200 and neurotypical of 82-200. Very likely to be an aspie. I have felt much the same as the others on this thread. I have never actually wanted to commit, but I have lost the will to live. I failed college, got fired from my only decent job, have no friends, and cannot seem to find a new job anywhere. I consistently try and do well for a while, but I always seem to fail sooner or later. I am always one of the best guys on the team, always said to be intelligent, and I am well liked by most. Until I screw up that is. I work for months or years to achieve something only to have it taken away with one mistake. I want to join the air force but am too heavy. I want to get another job but have nothing to bring to it. I am miserable if I am truthful. I love life, but it does not seem to love me back. I am with you my friend....

"Your mind is twice a valuable as your body. And your ears are twice as valuable as your mouth. People will pay you based on which you use." - A very smart old lawyer
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