Thoughts please!
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31-08-2016, 08:57 AM (This post was last modified: 31-08-2016 09:10 AM by Jess98.)
Thoughts please!
Indoctrination across the nations
You steal my lands with your greedy hands
It isn't a lie that you want me to die
I see smoky skies, I start to cry
You want me to change, it's really quite strange
We are not wanting, or needing of change
I see my people hang, dragged behind a mustang
We were just fine, our lives were in line
But not anymore, thanks to you swine
Our lives are in tatters, you don't think it matters
Religious ideals have fuelled this disaster.
He who denies is believing of lies
How many more of my people must die.
A missionary standing there
Clutching his book with a judgemental stare
"You're savages, you're worthless dogs,
I should beat you right now, but first let's learn about god"
"He is the saviour, the light, and the way,
You'll burn in hell if you don't follow today."
He also hates gays, and women, and shellfish
How could any god be so stupid and selfish?
Bronze Age book so tattered with lies
You stand behind your book when an Indian dies
I truly hope that one day you'll see
For what I want most is for my people to be free.

Poem I wrote for my native studies class, it's titled 'Nitty-gritty', check out my other poems!
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01-09-2016, 01:09 PM
RE: Thoughts please!
Wow, intense poem there.

There are specific bits that I like very much because they sound very natural and still have poetry in it.
Example:
"He also hates gays, and women, and shellfish
How could any god be so stupid and selfish?"
This is something that you would actually say and it would sound very normal.

Here are some things that might even improve your poem.
Take for example this line: "I see smoky skies, I start to cry"
You could keep the observer position after the comma and make it a true rhyme with a very small change.
For example something along the lines of "I see smoky skies, I hear the cries"

You said this was written for a class you are taking so I assume you know "iamb". Just at the off-chance that you don't know what that is, it means pretty much the kind of rhythm and flow that you accomplish in your poem.
So you don't actually have to force a rhyme in cases where you don't think it sounds nice or when you just can't find one. Everything is pretty much fine as long as the poem in itself keeps flowing.

cheers

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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