Time has given me a gift.
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03-07-2015, 11:39 PM (This post was last modified: 04-07-2015 02:09 PM by Atothetheist.)
Time has given me a gift.
Ya know, when I first joined this forum, I thought I has life figured out to the extent where I could function properly and not have any major problems. I developed a system of figuring out the world (a system which I still use today, as it has never failed me), and I had thought that I understood the human condition in the sense of knowing about it through the vicarious reading and observing that I had been doing for the majority of my life.

However, this worldview had been shattered, and even though I didn't think it at the time, for the better. First and foremost, to all of those who said "Oh, you're just a teenager, you have a lot to experience" this is your time to say "Ha! I told you so!"

You're right.

Recently I had gotten a taste of something that I had never gotten to experience before. I won't go into detail about it too much, other than to say that it involved me having feelings for someone in a way that I had never had feelings before, and then slowly realizing that things aren't always as they seem. So, out of respect for them, I will not go into detail or mention them by name, but I just want to say that ahead of time as the events are a great stepping stone to what will be the future of my life, I just know it.

I had the greatest honor of falling for someone that I had thought was unattainable, due to some physical and emotional circumstances (tbh, for quite some time, I felt that I wasn't even capable of love or receiving it, but that's not something I want to delve into particularly now). But... Things never work out the way you might want them to, so it all fell apart. People aren't always what you were led to believe they were. Some people end up being liars, some end up being cowards. That's life. And it happened there. She ended up being someone that I couldn't particularly stand. Not really her fault, most of it was baggage and all that, but it was a eye-opener for me.

It was beautiful, in the beginning, and I loved every second that I had to spend with her. We had created moments that I still am able to fondly look back at and smile. However, these moments aren't immortal. They are the reverse, actually. Fleeting, ethereal, precious. That, my good friends, is what a friendship is. A collection of these moments, strung along a party of two or more's life. From that first hello to the budding of romance, all of it is because of those seconds that you got the opportunity to share.

But what happens, dear reader, when you stop creating those moments? When every time you are together, you can't look past the offences the other bore you? You kill it. You kill your friendship, or romance, or whatever. This is what I have experienced, the death of a friendship. I had to decide if being a friend with a person that had let me down so frequently, that had disappointed me constantly, was worth the fight to create more of those moments. And I did what I thought was best, give up. Of course, I vainly tried to convince myself that the ship wasn't burning, that everything was fine when it wasn't, but it was to no avail.

We both grew hateful and spiteful to each other. I could no longer bare to look at her, and she refused to talk to me. We both cut at each other, and I think we both made each other bleed. I know tears were shed on my side. Every moment to try to repair what once was, was squandered until there was nothing left to fix. It was all destroyed. There was this one particular moment that illustrated this. I had, for months on end, imagined the perfect sequence of events. The perfect date, ya know? I had imagined so many stupid things that caused this stupid kid to blush and anxiously await the opportunity to turn those fantasies into a reality. However, when she had first hugged me, those were not on my mind.

"Please don't touch me." that was all that I could think. Don't touch me. Don't pretend that we are something we are not. We are not friends, we never will be again. So, I didn't return the hug. I'm sure that, given enough time, I would have returned it to be polite, and in fact, I did when I saw her last. I thought it was the least I could do before I said goodbye. Before I moved on with my life and accomplished things without having to worry about what this (now) stranger might think.

I refuse to blame her though. I refuse to mark her as the villain. My friends point to her and say that she was the best example of a bitch that they could come up with, but I don't think so. There are no villains in this, just two victims. And I think that is another thing I learned. I should have already known that blame is as complex as human interaction itself, but I had never really experienced it in that capacity before. I couldn't blame the person that kept hurting me, because it was just all circumstance.

It tends to be the case, that when you are in an emotional situation, everything is that much more important. Everything is vital. Everything is just that much important. I thought that would never lose my feelings for her, but I did, and it was in a relatively short time. Time gave me perspective, and it made everything just that less important.

I bring this up now, because I just happened to be in the same situation again, but on the other side of the coin. I had a girl fall in love with me that I had no particular feelings for. I entertained the thought, but I was just enamored with the idea that I had been getting the attention that I had been craving from someone else. I flirted with the girl, and let her see a side of me that I only show to those I truly care about.

However, I was never truly in love with her, and I never wanted a relationship from her. Today was the day where I ended it. I made a promise to myself that I would NEVER do that which was done to me. So I literally told her "no, I'm sorry." and I was honest with her and with myself. I refused to be the hypocrite that I could have been. I think I have grown a lot during these months, and I just wanted to share that which I have learned.

Feel free to tear me apart or say anything you wish, I just used this section because it was the only one that seemed fitting enough.

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03-07-2015, 11:51 PM
RE: Time has given me a gift.
Tear you apart? For what, being human?

Life is like a giant boot that keeps kicking you in the nuts.

Then you die.

Enjoy it while it lasts!

Thumbsup

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
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04-07-2015, 06:33 AM
RE: Time has given me a gift.
A wise man once described war as insufferable periods of boredom, punctuated by seconds of sheer terror......

Sometimes it seems like life is sort of like that -- long periods of crap, punctuated by seconds of bliss......

Live for the seconds.

Odds are good that at some point you might even find minutes and hours - even days.......

.......................................

The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
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04-07-2015, 07:31 AM
RE: Time has given me a gift.
You know, as much as everyone goes through some shit in their lives, and as much as the older you get the more you learn... In my ever-so-humble opinion, we're all fucking clueless. No one ever really gets the hang of it - those of us who do manage to somehow live nice lives... I won't say intelligent decision making doesn't have an influence, but... I think there's a lot of luck involved too. Kudos for doing a difficult thing.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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04-07-2015, 08:14 AM
RE: Time has given me a gift.
I would wager that most of us thought we had things all figured out when we were teenagers.

Then - life started happening - and we have learned along the way that we all have more to learn. Blush

The people to worry about are the ones who have some years on them and think they know everything - 'cause they don't...none of us do.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
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04-07-2015, 08:18 AM
RE: Time has given me a gift.
(03-07-2015 11:39 PM)Atothetheist Wrote:  Ya know, when I first joined this forum, I thought I has life figured out to the extent where I could function properly and not have any major problems. I developed a system of figuring out the world (a system which I still use today, as it has never failed me), and I had thought that I understood the human condition in the sense of knowing about it through the vicarious reading and observing that I had been doing for the majority of my life.

However, this worldview had been shattered, and even though I didn't think it at the time, for the better. First and foremost, to all of those who said "Oh, you're just a teenager, you have a lot to experience" this is your time to say "Ha! I told you so!"

You're right.

Recently I had gotten a taste of something that I had never gotten to experience before. I won't go into detail about it too much, other than to say that it involved me having feelings for someone in a way that I had never had feelings before, and then slowly realizing that things are always as they seem. So, out of respect for them, I will not go into detail or mention them by name, but I just want to say that ahead of time as the events are a great stepping stone to what will be the future of my life, I just know it.

I had the greatest honor of falling for someone that I had thought was unattainable, due to some physical and emotional circumstances (tbh, for quite some time, I felt that I wasn't even capable of love or receiving it, but that's not something I want to delve into particularly now). But... Things never work out the way you might want them to, so it all fell apart. People aren't always what you were lead to believe they were. Some people end up being liars, some end up being cowards. That's life. And it happened there. She ended up being someone that I couldn't particularly stand. Not really her fault, most of it was baggage and all that, but it was a eye-opener for me.

It was beautiful, in the beginning, and I loved every second that I had to spend with her. We had created moments that I still am able to fondly look back at and smile. However, these moments are immortal. They are the reverse, actually. Fleeting, ethereal, precious. That, my good friends, is what a friendship is. A collection of these moments, strung along a party of two or more's life. From that first hello to the budding of romance, all of it is because of those seconds that you got the opportunity to share.

But what happens, dear reader, when you stop creating those moments? When every time you are together, you can't look past the offences the other bore you? You kill it. You kill your friendship, or romance, or whatever. This is what I have experienced, the death of a friendship. I had to decide if being a friend with a person that had let me down so frequently, that had disappointed me constantly, was worth the fight to create more of those moments. And I did what I thought was best, give up. Of course, I vainly tried to convince myself that the ship wasn't burning, that everything was fine when it wasn't, but it was to no avail.

We both grew hateful and spiteful to each other. I could no longer bare to look at her, and she refused to talk to me. We both cut at each other, and I think we both made each other bleed. I know tears were shed on my side. Every moment to try to repair what once was, was squandered until there was nothing left to fix. It was all destroyed. There was this one particular moment that illustrated this. I had, for months on end, imagined the perfect sequence of events. The perfect date, ya know? I had imagined so many stupid things that caused this stupid kid to blush and anxiously await the opportunity to turn those fantasies into a reality. However, when she had first hugged me, those were not on my mind.

"Please don't touch me." that was all that I could think. Don't touch me. Don't pretend that we are something we are not. We are not friends, we never will be again. So, I didn't return the hug. I'm sure that, given enough time, I would have returned it to be polite, and in fact, I did when I saw her last. I thought it was the least I could do before I said goodbye. Before I moved on with my life and accomplished things without having to worry about what this (now) stranger might think.

I refuse to blame her though. I refuse to mark her as the villain. My friends point to her and say that she was the best example of a bitch that they could come up with, but I don't think so. There are no villains in this, just two victims. And I think that is another thing I learned. I should have already known that blame is as complex as human interaction itself, but I had never really experienced it in that capacity before. I couldn't blame the person that kept hurting me, because it was just all circumstance.

It tends to be the case, that when you are in an emotional situation, everything is that much more important. Everything is vital. Everything is just that much important. I thought that would never lose my feelings for her, but I did, and it was in a relatively short time. Time gave me perspective, and it made everything just that less unimportant.

I bring this up now, because I just happened to be in the same situation again, but on the other side of the coin. I had a girl fall in love with me that I had no particular feelings for. I entertained the thought, but I was just enamored with the idea that I had been getting the attention that I had been craving from someone else. I flirted with the girl, and let her see a side of me that I only show to those I truly care about.

However, I was never truly in love with her, and I never wanted a relationship from her. Today was the day where I ended it. I made a promise to myself that I would NEVER do that which was done to me. So I literally told her "no, I'm sorry." and I was honest with her and with myself. I refused to be the hypocrite that I could have been. I think I have grown a lot during these months, and I just wanted to share that which I have learned.

Feel free to tear me apart or say anything you wish, I just used this section because it was the only one that seemed fitting enough.

The moments, yes, that is what life really is all about - a bunch of moments. Just spend each one as best you can. You become what your moments are. The way you spend each moment shapes your future moments.

Placing blame and guilt is for the birds. What matters is what you have learned.

It's nice to see you back. Smile Thanks for keeping us in the loop. We miss you here.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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04-07-2015, 09:56 AM
RE: Time has given me a gift.
I've enjoyed growing older because I do have more moments of insight -- but I'm still stupid enough to make shit interesting.
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04-07-2015, 10:41 AM
RE: Time has given me a gift.
(04-07-2015 07:31 AM)morondog Wrote:  You know, as much as everyone goes through some shit in their lives, and as much as the older you get the more you learn... In my ever-so-humble opinion, we're all fucking clueless. No one ever really gets the hang of it - those of us who do manage to somehow live nice lives... I won't say intelligent decision making doesn't have an influence, but... I think there's a lot of luck involved too. Kudos for doing a difficult thing.
You know, a once great hero said, and of course I am paraphrasing, "You can do what is easy, or you can do what is right."

I refused to put someone in the emotional turmoil someone put me through. Moments like these do define people, as Dom said. When difficult decisions and situations arrive, we show our true colors. I could have used this poor girl. I could have said sweet nothings to her until I made her completely attached to me in a way I wanted another girl to be and then just fucked her instead, but that seemed revolting to me, evil even. The choice wasn't difficult, but it was the right thing to do.

I know I'm not perfect, but I try my best to be the best that I can be, and I think that is all that matters in the end.

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04-07-2015, 12:01 PM
RE: Time has given me a gift.
Everyone learns their own way and in their own time.

You're still in my not too humble opinion way ahead of the curve.

Heart Hug


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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04-07-2015, 01:02 PM
RE: Time has given me a gift.
(04-07-2015 12:01 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Everyone learns their own way and in their own time.

You're still in my not too humble opinion way ahead of the curve.

Heart Hug

Meh, being ahead of the curve is overrated!

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