Trouble in Paradise
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16-01-2018, 10:07 AM
Trouble in Paradise
I feel bad because I really only post on here if I have a problem, but some things you need advice from people who aren’t coming from a religious point of view.
Things are complicated with my marriage. My husband has off-and-on said he’s been “unsure” about us from the beginning- even when we were dating. I probably should have stepped away, but I was young, had low self esteem, and I thought I was doing the right thing by staying in the relationship while he figured it out. But now we’ve been married for 5 years and it still happens. He tells me he isn’t happy and is unsure. He loves me and it’s hard for him to think about leaving me, but he isn’t happy. All these times of uncertainty has happened so often that I’m not sure if I can trust him anymore. Last time we had a divorce talk was a couple months ago and he was so overwhelmed with grief that he swore that he was fully committed, but here we are again. I’m going to talk to my therapist tomorrow. It’s just tough to know what to do. I love him, but I don’t want to spend my life with someone who’s unsure about me.
I got married while I was still a Christian and I was very young and hadn’t been in many relationships, so I feel like I don’t know what normal is.

"Most people are other people.
Their thoughts are someone else's opinions,
their lives a mimicry,
their passions a quotation."
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16-01-2018, 10:19 AM
RE: Trouble in Paradise
*hugs* Would your husband be up to talk to a therapist with you? Maybe to see if there are any underlying problems going on with him in terms of his fear of commitment, uncertainty etc. Sometimes there can be other issues causing a person to push someone away and it may have little to do with the actual person they are with.

If there are no other things going on with him from an emotional level and he truly is unsure of your rship after several years of marriage, I agree with you, you shouldn't have to be in a rship living in constant fear that the person you love is going to leave you. I think if this is the case, for your own mental well-being, imo, I would leave. You deserve to be with someone who is truly commited to both you and the relationship. You deserve that level of security and not someone who holds your rship over your head.

I used to think rships were a certain way--that if only I tried hard enough to make it work, all would be okay...but sometimes the other person just doesn't want to change no matter your best efforts--even though they say they do. Because eventually, they go back to old behavior patterns and expect you to be okay with that. I think a good rule of thumb when dealing with rships and someone's true intent for things: Actions speak louder than words.

I hope things work out the way you want them to and I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this. *hugs*
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16-01-2018, 10:21 AM
RE: Trouble in Paradise
(16-01-2018 10:07 AM)LadyWallFlower Wrote:  I feel bad because I really only post on here if I have a problem, but some things you need advice from people who aren’t coming from a religious point of view.
Things are complicated with my marriage. My husband has off-and-on said he’s been “unsure” about us from the beginning- even when we were dating. I probably should have stepped away, but I was young, had low self esteem, and I thought I was doing the right thing by staying in the relationship while he figured it out. But now we’ve been married for 5 years and it still happens. He tells me he isn’t happy and is unsure. He loves me and it’s hard for him to think about leaving me, but he isn’t happy. All these times of uncertainty has happened so often that I’m not sure if I can trust him anymore. Last time we had a divorce talk was a couple months ago and he was so overwhelmed with grief that he swore that he was fully committed, but here we are again. I’m going to talk to my therapist tomorrow. It’s just tough to know what to do. I love him, but I don’t want to spend my life with someone who’s unsure about me.
I got married while I was still a Christian and I was very young and hadn’t been in many relationships, so I feel like I don’t know what normal is.

Nobody really can tell you to stay or go either way, that is always still ultimately up to you and your partner.

BUT, you can look at ALL communication as problem solving, listening to each other and try to seek a compromise and a solution. BUT even with that, sometimes things don't work out, but even in that case, it would not be the end of the world either.

My marriage didn't work out, but we didn't make it a war either and we left on good terms and I still talk to her occasionally in FB PM. I still love her, but more like a friend and not a spouse. It still hurt when she said she wanted to leave me. But if she had stayed in silence for years and years that build up would have made it worse.

It still amounts to cost/benefit for both of you. What do each of you feel, want out of it, and is it something you can work on? If it is something you both think you can work on, GREAT. But if it is something you cant fix, that still would be no reflection on either of you, it would merely mean things had changed.


AND AGAIN, this is not telling you to stay or go, but how you figure if it will or wont work.

Poetry by Brian37(poems by an atheist) Also on Facebook as BrianJames Rational Poet and Twitter Brianrrs37
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16-01-2018, 10:25 AM
RE: Trouble in Paradise
Sounds to me like you really need to see someone as a couple. Looks like he has some kind of commitment issues, and if you are otherwise happy, and he doesn't really want to leave, he will have to deal with his issues and then stop rocking the boat lest it topple.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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16-01-2018, 10:30 AM
RE: Trouble in Paradise
Hello LWF,

Would he go to couples counseling? If he would, you are both committed, and you could find one that won't say Jesus is the answer to everything it might help.

From personal experience lack of trust or commitment makes any relationship challenging and most likely to end in failure. Good marriages take work when both people are fully engaged and want to be there. Sounds like he had issues even before marriage so it may never change but if he won't fully commit and work to make things better I can't see it getting better for you.

Divorce is tough on everyone and even when it is the correct action it hurts (been there, done that). If it is what is needed and you don't have children yet it would be best to end it before any are involved.

I hope things work out as easily as possible for you and don't feel bad about dropping by unless you need a place that gives a non-religious point of view. Hug

" Generally speaking, the errors in religion are dangerous; those in philosophy only ridiculous."
David Hume
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16-01-2018, 10:33 AM
RE: Trouble in Paradise
I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through Heart I echo Jenny's comments, this is good advice.

To me, making each other happy is the point of a relationship. If one of you isn't, after all reasonable attempts to resolve issues and compromise have been made, then it's better to part ways.

(16-01-2018 10:19 AM)jennybee Wrote:  *hugs* Would your husband be up to talk to a therapist with you? Maybe to see if there are any underlying problems going on with him in terms of his fear of commitment, uncertainty etc. Sometimes there can be other issues causing a person to push someone away and it may have little to do with the actual person they are with.

If there are no other things going on with him from an emotional level and he truly is unsure of your rship after several years of marriage, I agree with you, you shouldn't have to be in a rship living in constant fear that the person you love is going to leave you. I think if this is the case, for your own mental well-being, imo, I would leave. You deserve to be with someone who is truly commited to both you and the relationship. You deserve that level of security and not someone who holds your rship over your head.

I used to think rships were a certain way--that if only I tried hard enough to make it work, all would be okay...but sometimes the other person just doesn't want to change no matter your best efforts--even though they say they do. Because eventually, they go back to old behavior patterns and expect you to be okay with that. I think a good rule of thumb when dealing with rships and someone's true intent for things: Actions speak louder than words.

I hope things work out the way you want them to and I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this. *hugs*

I have a website here which discusses the issues and terminology surrounding religion and atheism. It's hopefully user friendly to all.
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16-01-2018, 10:36 AM
RE: Trouble in Paradise
Get out. You will both be able to recover easily with fewer years invested.
It will be the both of you, mutually deciding to take charge and move on with your respective lives.
You both tried - no fault. The partnership/relationship has run it's course. It will be a healthy experience to continue exploring your lives without each other.

***
I don't say this lightly nor, without experience.

I was exactly where you are (5 years invested) into what I thought was a good relationship - a partnership. If I had gotten out then, I and my partner, would have been able to move on and be much happier than either of us became.

We stayed together another 7 years while the crumbling escalated to earthquake sized devastation. It took another 2 years to disconnect myself from this destructive situation.

Financially, it took me nearly 5 years just to put my head above water again. Emotionally, it took much longer.
***

You both have the rest of your lives. Start now.

Staying with someone because you feel sorry for them is not healthy for you, for them, and certainly not healthy for the relationship. It causes resentment. Resentment is a sledgehammer.

Get out.
Heart

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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16-01-2018, 11:40 AM
RE: Trouble in Paradise
Two questions:
1) What are his reasons for doubting you? You really didn't say in the OP although your last sentence suggests religion.
2) Have you considered couples counselling? My wife and I did it several years ago and it did wonders for our marriage. (she is a christian BTW) It can really help identify more problems than you may realize or the root of the problem may lie somewhere you didn't even consider.

I also think you should really think about what Kim said too. There is a ton at stake.

"If we are honest—and scientists have to be—we must admit that religion is a jumble of false assertions, with no basis in reality.
The very idea of God is a product of the human imagination."
- Paul Dirac
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16-01-2018, 12:03 PM
RE: Trouble in Paradise
(16-01-2018 11:40 AM)The Organic Chemist Wrote:  Two questions:
1) What are his reasons for doubting you? You really didn't say in the OP although your last sentence suggests religion.
2) Have you considered couples counselling? My wife and I did it several years ago and it did wonders for our marriage. (she is a christian BTW) It can really help identify more problems than you may realize or the root of the problem may lie somewhere you didn't even consider.

I also think you should really think about what Kim said too. There is a ton at stake.

We’re both atheists. He doesn’t have any reason other than romantic relationships aren’t a priority right now. He’s thinking about his education and his career. We have considered counseling, although I’ll admit I feel like we’re already at the beginning of the end.

I appreciate all the advice!

"Most people are other people.
Their thoughts are someone else's opinions,
their lives a mimicry,
their passions a quotation."
-Oscar Wilde
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16-01-2018, 12:04 PM
RE: Trouble in Paradise
I second the recommendations for couples counseling.

It sounds a little bit like your husband's dangling the prospect of his leaving to keep you off balance and keep the power balance on his side. That's a dick move, and I hope counseling would help him see that and change his behavior.

Have you ever tried calling his bluff? What does he do if you say, fine, I don't want you to be unhappy, so let's call a divorce lawyer and talk about our options.

If you always feel you're standing on shaky ground, that's a reason to think hard about whether you want to stay. I hope you develop a relationship where you feel valued and secure, either with your current husband or with someone new.
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