Trying to Stay Positive
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14-03-2013, 07:23 PM
RE: Trying to Stay Positive
(14-03-2013 06:51 PM)Peanut Wrote:  I DO know that I'm a determined woman and when I set my mind to something, I work my hardest and ALWAYS give 100%.

If he's worth his shit in salt, he will acquiesce to the inevitable matriarchy. .... ManlyGirl is the CEO of our partnership. Girly's just a member of the board.

(14-03-2013 06:51 PM)Peanut Wrote:  But I fear the unknown. If it were JUST me and I didn't have a child to take care of, my outlook would be completely different. ... See? My world is crumbling around me.

Feels more like you're testing the foundations to me.

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14-03-2013, 07:41 PM
RE: Trying to Stay Positive
(14-03-2013 07:23 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(14-03-2013 06:51 PM)Peanut Wrote:  But I fear the unknown. If it were JUST me and I didn't have a child to take care of, my outlook would be completely different. ... See? My world is crumbling around me.

Feels more like you're testing the foundations to me.
Girly, you are DETERMINED to prove that it can work, huh? Tongue I appreciate the positive attitude, but, you see, it's not right in my heart. I would have loved to make it work, but I've crossed over the "testing the foundation" about a year ago. Drinking Beverage

Again, your advice is always appreciated and I'm so very happy you have a strong relationship that has lasted as long as it has and is still going strong. I admire you. But I'm still at an age where I NEED to figure stuff out on my own. I need to know that I've made the "right" decision.

"It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in awhile exhilarating." -Stephen King
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14-03-2013, 08:04 PM
RE: Trying to Stay Positive
(14-03-2013 07:41 PM)Peanut Wrote:  
(14-03-2013 07:23 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  Feels more like you're testing the foundations to me.
Girly, you are DETERMINED to prove that it can work, huh? Tongue I appreciate the positive attitude, but, you see, it's not right in my heart. I would have loved to make it work, but I've crossed over the "testing the foundation" about a year ago. Drinking Beverage

Again, your advice is always appreciated and I'm so very happy you have a strong relationship that has lasted as long as it has and is still going strong. I admire you. But I'm still at an age where I NEED to figure stuff out on my own. I need to know that I've made the "right" decision.
Girly's sad. ... I mean it ain't none of my goddam business but I get to feel sad whenever I goddam motherfucking feel like it.

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14-03-2013, 09:31 PM
RE: Trying to Stay Positive
(14-03-2013 08:04 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(14-03-2013 07:41 PM)Peanut Wrote:  Girly, you are DETERMINED to prove that it can work, huh? Tongue I appreciate the positive attitude, but, you see, it's not right in my heart. I would have loved to make it work, but I've crossed over the "testing the foundation" about a year ago. Drinking Beverage

Again, your advice is always appreciated and I'm so very happy you have a strong relationship that has lasted as long as it has and is still going strong. I admire you. But I'm still at an age where I NEED to figure stuff out on my own. I need to know that I've made the "right" decision.
Girly's sad. ... I mean it ain't none of my goddam business but I get to feel sad whenever I goddam motherfucking feel like it.
Don't be sad Sadcryface That makes Ashley sad. Peanut doesn't even know Girly and she feels bad that he feels that way.

"It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in awhile exhilarating." -Stephen King
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19-03-2013, 04:00 AM
RE: Trying to Stay Positive
(14-03-2013 06:51 PM)Peanut Wrote:  I'm just going to say it aloud. Perhaps some other person is or will be going through the same kind of situation and will need information. For this reason, I'm going to state it publicly:

I want to leave my current boyfriend. I just want to be on my own. I have never been NOT in a relationship. I've only ever had two relationships. I don't know what it's like to find myself and be alone.

I just talked with him again a little while ago. I said, "What if we were MARRIED?! It doesn't concern you that I'm questioning this relationship NOW? What's to say that I wouldn't have felt this way after tying the knot?"

He said it DOES scare him. But of course, he doesn't want to discuss it. We had our FIRST argument only a few weeks ago (Maybe a couple months.) and it had been more than 3 YEARS! That's NOT "normal." I find I have been walking on "egg shells" at times. Not for fear that he will freak out and/or harm me or anything. (I feared that in my first relationship, so I fear that's all I fucking KNOW.) But I worry about saying things or voicing my opinions for fear that I'll offend him.

I know in my heart that something is not right and something is missing. In having only 2 relationships, I've known a HORRIBLE relationship and a WONDERFUL relationship. My worry is just choosing the "wonderful" option because it was "better than anything I've known." I don't want to settle.

That being said, I have concerns and I've been driving myself almost mad:

*I don't have a license. There. I said it. (I am a great driver, but the government is strict and driving tests cost a lot of money, especially on my budget.)
*My weekly hours are never a guarantee. I think I average about 20 hours a week!
*I don't have a degree. I went to college for 3 years, but dropped out to try and make more hours at work... (Irony.)
*I have no savings. All of my income goes to monthly bills. I have a credit card, but I rarely use it because, at one point in my life, I was a stupid 18 year old. In a matter of six months, I got out of debt after working extra hours and almost my whole paycheck every two weeks went to paying them off. So as far as I know, my credit is iffy at best.
*I'm afraid to confuse my son. I don't want him to see mommy unhappy.

I DO know that I'm a determined woman and when I set my mind to something, I work my hardest and ALWAYS give 100%. But I fear the unknown. If it were JUST me and I didn't have a child to take care of, my outlook would be completely different.

Sorry for the over share of information. But I realized if I don't talk about it, I'm just going to withdraw into myself and possibly stay in the same place because it's all I know; I'm a survivor, so the instinct to stay with something that is keeping a roof over my head and food in my child's belly is a powerful thing to resist. (If that sentence just made me sound pathetic...Well, I don't know how else to say it. But there it is.)

See? My world is crumbling around me.

You are in tough spot. You know you want to ditch this guy but you feel you can't because he is contributing to food, shelter, and clothing for you and you child. Is this correct? The guy doesn't seem like he is a clown or anything, he's a good guy but not a good match right?

Vosur, Anjele, Hanoff.....have you learned nothing in my absence?
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19-03-2013, 06:15 AM
RE: Trying to Stay Positive
Peanut:

Don't ditch a "wonderful" relationship because you're not sure if there is something better out there. That's nonsense. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side of the fence, but that aphorism is not truth, it's merely a reflection on how humans always think their situation is worse than it is and/or other situations are better than they are.

If your relationship is truly "wonderful" as you say, then hang onto it. Those are rare and precious indeed. If you bail, you could literally spend the rest of your life looking for a new relationship that good and NEVER find it. Don't bail because you're curious, or because you wonder if there is something better, or even because you suppose that "something is missing".

That said, it sounds like your relationship may not be entirely "wonderful". if that's true, then you're right, there is probably something better out there.

The real question, and it's one you must ask and answer honestly, just for you (not for us), is whether your relationship is actually "wonderful" as you describe, or is it not. You definitely MUST get this right.

If you think something is missing, tough. That's not good enough to ruin a "wonderful" relationship. Figure out what the "something" is. Define it. You need to KNOW that something is missing and you need to KNOW exactly what it is. If you can't do that, then maybe your feeling that "something is missing" is merely an expression of your own self esteem, doubts, fears, anxiety. Don't kill a good relationship because you have personal issues with your own self image. How can you be sure? Figure out what's missing and know for a fact exactly what is missing before you make a hasty (and possibly wrong) decision.

Keeping a boyfriend because he drives is not a good reason. Keeping a boyfriend because you need the money is not a good reason. Keeping a boyfriend because you don't have a degree is not a good reason. Keeping a boyfriend because you have no savings and live paycheck to paycheck is not a good reason. Keeping a boyfriend because of your son might, maybe, be a good reason, but you can always explain things to him, teach him, and he'll figure it out and he'll be alright, so it's not really a good reason after all.

You have listed no reasons to remain in this relationship. Not good ones. So why are you still there? Could it be love? Could it be because this boyfriend is a good guy and your relationship is really "wonderful" after all? Could it be that, together, you are both much happier and much more complete than you would be apart? These could be good reasons to keep your boyfriend, especially if you don't have good reasons not to.

Thinking it out, knowing you're doing the right thing and knowing why, not just guessing that maybe something better is around the next corner, not going on an unsubstantiated feeling that "something" is not right, that's the key here.

When you figure that out, you'll know exactly what to do.

"Whores perform the same function as priests, but far more thoroughly." - Robert A. Heinlein
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