Understanding Sex and Relationships
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02-03-2018, 04:14 PM
 
RE: Understanding Sex and Relationships
(02-03-2018 06:36 AM)Defcon Omega Wrote:  I think my biggest problem is just not meeting enough single women. I try to go out and meet people, but where I live almost everyone is married or in a relationship. Sure there are a few here and there, but not even close enough to an adequate dating pool. If I only meet three or four women my age who single in an entire year, the odds of one of them being attractive to me, and at the same time being attracted to me, and practically non-existent. Add to that the fact that I'm trapped in the Bible Belt, where nobody wants to touch you if you're an atheist, and my prospects are pretty bleak.

And I understand that not everyone likes the same thing. My concern is that, with as difficult as it is to find anyone at all, that it's just another layer I have to worry about where things can go wrong.

I think, as others suggested, why not check out dating sites? I still think the best way to meet people is to get involved in activities you enjoy doing. That way you are out enjoying yourself anyway--and at the very least you'll meet some new friends.

Don't go into rships/dating worrying about where things can go wrong because then you already set yourself up for defeat. Go into rships/dating with the intent of getting to know someone who you are interested in. Keep things light and fun and let things happen organically from there.

Imo, being friends first really helps with the whole sex thing...because then there's no ohmygosh, I've got to knock this person's socks off in the bedroom. Feeling comfortable with someone first, being friends with them first, then there's no weird pressure to "perform." If you both really like each other, just let sex happen organically. When you're friends first, you can laugh and joke if things aren't "perfect" the first time you have sex with each other. Also, because you're so into each other (emotionally, mentally, physically) that makes everything special and amazing and perfect sex-wise anyway.
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02-03-2018, 07:52 PM
RE: Understanding Sex and Relationships
I've been on every dating site out there over the past ten years, and its gotten me nowhere. On the rare occasions I found someone on a dating site who actually was serious enough to meet me, at least one of us was not interested in a second date.

And please, drop the whole "friends first" bullshit! It never fucking works, ever! I know from a lot of experience, that every time I start out as a friend, then I'll never escape the "Friend Zone". There's a lady I met during my sophomore year in college. Nothing happened at the time because she was already seeing somebody. We've been very close friends ever since. But has always been "strictly platonic" while I watch her date one guy after another and after another. Some years ago, I met a lady at work I really liked, and we started hanging out a lot. She started inviting me to go with her and her son to the zoo, or to her parents'' house on holidays. Then after months of this, she turned around and said she's only interested in being friends. Go figure. So no, starting out as friends never works. At least not for me.
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02-03-2018, 08:03 PM
 
RE: Understanding Sex and Relationships
(02-03-2018 07:52 PM)Defcon Omega Wrote:  I've been on every dating site out there over the past ten years, and its gotten me nowhere. On the rare occasions I found someone on a dating site who actually was serious enough to meet me, at least one of us was not interested in a second date.

And please, drop the whole "friends first" bullshit! It never fucking works, ever! I know from a lot of experience, that every time I start out as a friend, then I'll never escape the "Friend Zone". There's a lady I met during my sophomore year in college. Nothing happened at the time because she was already seeing somebody. We've been very close friends ever since. But has always been "strictly platonic" while I watch her date one guy after another and after another. Some years ago, I met a lady at work I really liked, and we started hanging out a lot. She started inviting me to go with her and her son to the zoo, or to her parents'' house on holidays. Then after months of this, she turned around and said she's only interested in being friends. Go figure. So no, starting out as friends never works. At least not for me.

Well, I'm sorry if you didn't like my advice. I can only give you advice from my perspective and that's what I did. Good luck to you in your search. I hope you find what you are looking for.
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02-03-2018, 09:21 PM
RE: Understanding Sex and Relationships
I apologize. I've had bad experiences regarding this matter. I shouldn't have gotten so snippy. I didn't mean to be rude.
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02-03-2018, 09:58 PM
 
RE: Understanding Sex and Relationships
(02-03-2018 09:21 PM)Defcon Omega Wrote:  I apologize. I've had bad experiences regarding this matter. I shouldn't have gotten so snippy. I didn't mean to be rude.

No worries. Smile
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02-03-2018, 10:04 PM
RE: Understanding Sex and Relationships
Easy to say so but Defcon don't get discouraged. I remember being at the point "Oh my god no woman on earth would want to spend a moment with me the rest of my life" to "oh, okay, hello, nice to meet you!" in a second. It will happen.

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02-03-2018, 11:23 PM
RE: Understanding Sex and Relationships
(02-03-2018 07:52 PM)Defcon Omega Wrote:  I've been on every dating site out there over the past ten years, and its gotten me nowhere. On the rare occasions I found someone on a dating site who actually was serious enough to meet me, at least one of us was not interested in a second date.

And please, drop the whole "friends first" bullshit! It never fucking works, ever! I know from a lot of experience, that every time I start out as a friend, then I'll never escape the "Friend Zone". There's a lady I met during my sophomore year in college. Nothing happened at the time because she was already seeing somebody. We've been very close friends ever since. But has always been "strictly platonic" while I watch her date one guy after another and after another. Some years ago, I met a lady at work I really liked, and we started hanging out a lot. She started inviting me to go with her and her son to the zoo, or to her parents'' house on holidays. Then after months of this, she turned around and said she's only interested in being friends. Go figure. So no, starting out as friends never works. At least not for me.

I have to agree, friends first didn't work for me either. You sound a lot like me.

"If we are honest—and scientists have to be—we must admit that religion is a jumble of false assertions, with no basis in reality.
The very idea of God is a product of the human imagination."
- Paul Dirac
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03-03-2018, 01:39 AM (This post was last modified: 03-03-2018 01:44 AM by morondog.)
RE: Understanding Sex and Relationships
(02-03-2018 07:52 PM)Defcon Omega Wrote:  I've been on every dating site out there over the past ten years, and its gotten me nowhere. On the rare occasions I found someone on a dating site who actually was serious enough to meet me, at least one of us was not interested in a second date.

And please, drop the whole "friends first" bullshit! It never fucking works, ever! I know from a lot of experience, that every time I start out as a friend, then I'll never escape the "Friend Zone". There's a lady I met during my sophomore year in college. Nothing happened at the time because she was already seeing somebody. We've been very close friends ever since. But has always been "strictly platonic" while I watch her date one guy after another and after another. Some years ago, I met a lady at work I really liked, and we started hanging out a lot. She started inviting me to go with her and her son to the zoo, or to her parents'' house on holidays. Then after months of this, she turned around and said she's only interested in being friends. Go figure. So no, starting out as friends never works. At least not for me.

I can't remember where I saw an article about a study where they asked a bunch of "friend couples" - men and women who were close friends - they took each person of the couple separately and asked them if they'd ever consider dating the other one. For the women it was instant "What? He's my friend. No way. He's not interested and anyway ew". Whereas for the men they were almost universally "Oh man, I've been waiting *so long* to tell her" Laugh out load

I've done it myself - I had a really close friend - she and I are still mates - but at one stage I got the idea she might be interested in me so I asked her out - she shut me down so fast it was amazing Laughat Us men are pretty sad bunnies.

So yeah, friendzone is not a good thing if dating is what you want. My method these days which seems to get results on a fairly regular basis is to be super up front about it. "I want to have a romantic relationship with you" is what's on offer from the start. Yes, it is depressingly hard to meet people and the people you meet often aren't a match and and and...

Well, that's the nature of the game. If I ever get tired of it I'll stop playing. It's not that much fun bouncing from one possible interest that doesn't work to the next, but you gotta realise, the people you meet are also looking for that special someone. Just like you have your standards, so do they - if there's no attraction it's pointless to force it.

I have to say while online dating is probably the easiest it's not a method that has ever generated results for me - lots of meetups and even some sex but nothing tangible, nothing lasting. I'm actually giving it another whirl at the moment. But the best is to meet people through a shared interest I think.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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03-03-2018, 02:08 AM
RE: Understanding Sex and Relationships
(02-03-2018 07:52 PM)Defcon Omega Wrote:  I've been on every dating site out there over the past ten years, and its gotten me nowhere. On the rare occasions I found someone on a dating site who actually was serious enough to meet me, at least one of us was not interested in a second date.

And please, drop the whole "friends first" bullshit! It never fucking works, ever! I know from a lot of experience, that every time I start out as a friend, then I'll never escape the "Friend Zone". There's a lady I met during my sophomore year in college. Nothing happened at the time because she was already seeing somebody. We've been very close friends ever since. But has always been "strictly platonic" while I watch her date one guy after another and after another. Some years ago, I met a lady at work I really liked, and we started hanging out a lot. She started inviting me to go with her and her son to the zoo, or to her parents'' house on holidays. Then after months of this, she turned around and said she's only interested in being friends. Go figure. So no, starting out as friends never works. At least not for me.

Doesn't work for everyone but that's how my husband and I connected. Sitting next to each other in a band, both of us dating other people at the time. Being friends. I tried to fix him up with one of the flute players. We'd been friends for about four months when we started dating. A year and a half after that we were married.
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03-03-2018, 06:41 AM
 
RE: Understanding Sex and Relationships
(03-03-2018 01:39 AM)morondog Wrote:  
(02-03-2018 07:52 PM)Defcon Omega Wrote:  I've been on every dating site out there over the past ten years, and its gotten me nowhere. On the rare occasions I found someone on a dating site who actually was serious enough to meet me, at least one of us was not interested in a second date.

And please, drop the whole "friends first" bullshit! It never fucking works, ever! I know from a lot of experience, that every time I start out as a friend, then I'll never escape the "Friend Zone". There's a lady I met during my sophomore year in college. Nothing happened at the time because she was already seeing somebody. We've been very close friends ever since. But has always been "strictly platonic" while I watch her date one guy after another and after another. Some years ago, I met a lady at work I really liked, and we started hanging out a lot. She started inviting me to go with her and her son to the zoo, or to her parents'' house on holidays. Then after months of this, she turned around and said she's only interested in being friends. Go figure. So no, starting out as friends never works. At least not for me.

I can't remember where I saw an article about a study where they asked a bunch of "friend couples" - men and women who were close friends - they took each person of the couple separately and asked them if they'd ever consider dating the other one. For the women it was instant "What? He's my friend. No way. He's not interested and anyway ew". Whereas for the men they were almost universally "Oh man, I've been waiting *so long* to tell her" Laugh out load

I've done it myself - I had a really close friend - she and I are still mates - but at one stage I got the idea she might be interested in me so I asked her out - she shut me down so fast it was amazing Laughat Us men are pretty sad bunnies.

So yeah, friendzone is not a good thing if dating is what you want. My method these days which seems to get results on a fairly regular basis is to be super up front about it. "I want to have a romantic relationship with you" is what's on offer from the start. Yes, it is depressingly hard to meet people and the people you meet often aren't a match and and and...

Well, that's the nature of the game. If I ever get tired of it I'll stop playing. It's not that much fun bouncing from one possible interest that doesn't work to the next, but you gotta realise, the people you meet are also looking for that special someone. Just like you have your standards, so do they - if there's no attraction it's pointless to force it.

I have to say while online dating is probably the easiest it's not a method that has ever generated results for me - lots of meetups and even some sex but nothing tangible, nothing lasting. I'm actually giving it another whirl at the moment. But the best is to meet people through a shared interest I think.

I think I should clarify what I mean by friends first Wink What I meant was that if first there is that initial attraction from both people, then you work on developing a friendship as well while you are dating and getting to know each other and then sex progresses organically from there. As opposed to having that attraction and then immediately getting into a sexual rship with that person.
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