Understanding Sex and Relationships
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03-03-2018, 06:49 AM
RE: Understanding Sex and Relationships
(03-03-2018 06:41 AM)jennybee Wrote:  I think I should clarify what I mean by friends first Wink What I meant was that if first there is that initial attraction from both people, then you work on developing a friendship as well while you are dating and getting to know each other and then sex progresses organically from there. As opposed to having that attraction and then immediately getting into a sexual rship with that person.

Yeah. I also think that's more or less the best way to proceed.

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If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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03-03-2018, 07:37 AM
RE: Understanding Sex and Relationships
I've been a few dates where I enjoyed my date's company. I liked talking to her; I felt we could be friends if met under different circumstance. But the problem is that I'm just not sexually attracted to her. Then there were occasions I felt sexually attracted to someone, but realized are personalities are at completes odds with each other.

Why can't things ever be simple?
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03-03-2018, 07:48 AM (This post was last modified: 03-03-2018 07:52 AM by Defcon Omega.)
RE: Understanding Sex and Relationships
(03-03-2018 01:39 AM)morondog Wrote:  Yes, it is depressingly hard to meet people and the people you meet often aren't a match and and and...

Only for the small minority like you or me. It just comes naturally to everyone else I know, and they were all married and starting families when they were much younger than I am now. In fact, if it was like this for most people, our species would've gone the way of the Dodo tens of thousands of years ago. No, it's just the people like me that nobody wants.
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03-03-2018, 08:25 AM
RE: Understanding Sex and Relationships
(03-03-2018 07:48 AM)Defcon Omega Wrote:  
(03-03-2018 01:39 AM)morondog Wrote:  Yes, it is depressingly hard to meet people and the people you meet often aren't a match and and and...

Only for the small minority like you or me. It just comes naturally to everyone else I know, and they were all married and starting families when they were much younger than I am now. In fact, if it was like this for most people, our species would've gone the way of the Dodo tens of thousands of years ago. No, it's just the people like me that nobody wants.

Look, you may be different. It's OK. There are single ladies out there. Plenty who will be attracted to you if you play the game by the rules and put in the hard effort that's necessary to have a relationship with someone. If you just want the perfect one to magically fall from the sky naked, you're shit out of luck. BUT you can take action that will make you more likely to meet someone with whom there is mutual attraction. Put in the effort, reap the reward. If you're looking for a shortcut to living an awesome life with some cute babe hanging on your arm... then what you need to do is make a lot of money. But my belief is that *that* kind of babe is gonna skin you and wear you as a fashion accessory.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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03-03-2018, 08:26 AM
RE: Understanding Sex and Relationships
Because we all know how easy it is to make tons of money, right?
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03-03-2018, 08:34 AM
RE: Understanding Sex and Relationships
(03-03-2018 08:26 AM)Defcon Omega Wrote:  Because we all know how easy it is to make tons of money, right?

Exactly. So you're stuck with the less glamourous method. Sucks to be you. Or us. As the case may be.

FFS. What women especially look for in a man is confidence. Self-pity - you're allowed to feel it and cry into your pillow at night and I am not being a dick because I have DONE that - but if you SHOW it to a date you might as well walk out of the restaurant right there.

Just be a normal human and do stuff that makes you attractive. The Bower bird that doesn't decorate its nest doesn't get to make Bower bird babies. It might be that the poor Bower bird is special and thinks a lot about life and philosophy and would make a genuinely great mate, but if he doesn't play the game, he doesn't get sex. It's exactly the goddamn same for humans, so you can cry how the system is messed up or you can play the game. Your choice.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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03-03-2018, 08:52 AM
RE: Understanding Sex and Relationships
(03-03-2018 08:34 AM)morondog Wrote:  
(03-03-2018 08:26 AM)Defcon Omega Wrote:  Because we all know how easy it is to make tons of money, right?

Exactly. So you're stuck with the less glamourous method. Sucks to be you. Or us. As the case may be.

FFS. What women especially look for in a man is confidence. Self-pity - you're allowed to feel it and cry into your pillow at night and I am not being a dick because I have DONE that - but if you SHOW it to a date you might as well walk out of the restaurant right there.

Just be a normal human and do stuff that makes you attractive. The Bower bird that doesn't decorate its nest doesn't get to make Bower bird babies. It might be that the poor Bower bird is special and thinks a lot about life and philosophy and would make a genuinely great mate, but if he doesn't play the game, he doesn't get sex. It's exactly the goddamn same for humans, so you can cry how the system is messed up or you can play the game. Your choice.

All the people I know who have no problem at all getting attention from ladies are millionaires either, so that's clearly not the problem. I do play the game to the best of ability, on the rare occasions when I can actually find someone single who actually interests me. The problem is that my autism makes me undesirable. That's just how sexual selection works; it's not about how hard one works at, it's all about the genetics nobody has control over. Those lucky enough to be born with good genetics pass on their genes to the next generation. While those of us like myself, who through neither choice nor control of their own, are born with shitty genetics end up living and dying alone.
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03-03-2018, 09:43 AM
RE: Understanding Sex and Relationships
(03-03-2018 08:52 AM)Defcon Omega Wrote:  
(03-03-2018 08:34 AM)morondog Wrote:  Exactly. So you're stuck with the less glamourous method. Sucks to be you. Or us. As the case may be.

FFS. What women especially look for in a man is confidence. Self-pity - you're allowed to feel it and cry into your pillow at night and I am not being a dick because I have DONE that - but if you SHOW it to a date you might as well walk out of the restaurant right there.

Just be a normal human and do stuff that makes you attractive. The Bower bird that doesn't decorate its nest doesn't get to make Bower bird babies. It might be that the poor Bower bird is special and thinks a lot about life and philosophy and would make a genuinely great mate, but if he doesn't play the game, he doesn't get sex. It's exactly the goddamn same for humans, so you can cry how the system is messed up or you can play the game. Your choice.

All the people I know who have no problem at all getting attention from ladies are millionaires either, so that's clearly not the problem. I do play the game to the best of ability, on the rare occasions when I can actually find someone single who actually interests me. The problem is that my autism makes me undesirable. That's just how sexual selection works; it's not about how hard one works at, it's all about the genetics nobody has control over. Those lucky enough to be born with good genetics pass on their genes to the next generation. While those of us like myself, who through neither choice nor control of their own, are born with shitty genetics end up living and dying alone.
It would have helped if you had mentioned the autism piece. As someone on the spectrum with a 20-year old son also on the spectrum, my advice would be somewhat adjusted. That is, I would still advise you to put yourself into social situations where you can get to know women as friends first.

Also, if you are seeing a psychologist or social worker, let them know this is something you'd like to do. They can give advice about social cues, role play, etc.

My son has been working through his first relationship in the past year or so. Sometimes it's been going great, sometimes not so good.
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03-03-2018, 10:08 AM (This post was last modified: 03-03-2018 10:14 AM by jennybee.)
RE: Understanding Sex and Relationships
(03-03-2018 08:25 AM)morondog Wrote:  
(03-03-2018 07:48 AM)Defcon Omega Wrote:  Only for the small minority like you or me. It just comes naturally to everyone else I know, and they were all married and starting families when they were much younger than I am now. In fact, if it was like this for most people, our species would've gone the way of the Dodo tens of thousands of years ago. No, it's just the people like me that nobody wants.

Look, you may be different. It's OK. There are single ladies out there. Plenty who will be attracted to you if you play the game by the rules and put in the hard effort that's necessary to have a relationship with someone. If you just want the perfect one to magically fall from the sky naked, you're shit out of luck. BUT you can take action that will make you more likely to meet someone with whom there is mutual attraction. Put in the effort, reap the reward. If you're looking for a shortcut to living an awesome life with some cute babe hanging on your arm... then what you need to do is make a lot of money. But my belief is that *that* kind of babe is gonna skin you and wear you as a fashion accessory.

There are also women out there who don't care about money. Me, for example, I don't care how much money someone makes because I'm happy living in simplicity. I'd be happy living in a studio apartment. Or on a houseboat. I actually prefer less things (in terms of fancy car, big house, etc.) because then you can spend what money you do have on experiences, travel, fun things. And even if there's no money for that, you can still find things to do on the cheap or for free.

To me, being with someone who just gets me, who I click with on pretty much every level and vice versa, far outweighs the amount of money that person makes or doesn't make. There's a quote that goes "I don't want someone who promises me the moon and the stars, I want someone who promises to lay on the grass and watch them with me." That sums up how I feel when it comes to relationships re: money and things. And there are many women like me out there.

As morondog says, you just have to put yourself out there and keep meeting new people as best as you can. Sometimes it just takes some time and effort to find the right person for you. I know it gets frustrating, especially if you've had some negative experiences, but don't let those stop you from meeting new people or cause you to think that every woman is like that.

I also think julep had some good suggestions about talking to a therapist to help you develop and work on social skills.
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04-03-2018, 02:14 AM
RE: Understanding Sex and Relationships
(03-03-2018 08:52 AM)Defcon Omega Wrote:  All the people I know who have no problem at all getting attention from ladies are millionaires either, so that's clearly not the problem. I do play the game to the best of ability, on the rare occasions when I can actually find someone single who actually interests me. The problem is that my autism makes me undesirable. That's just how sexual selection works; it's not about how hard one works at, it's all about the genetics nobody has control over. Those lucky enough to be born with good genetics pass on their genes to the next generation. While those of us like myself, who through neither choice nor control of their own, are born with shitty genetics end up living and dying alone.

I don't think that is the case. Autism might make you rather more *unique* but it certainly doesn't preclude you from reproducing or sex. There's a couple of books I read early on in my dating career that really helped me understand the way attraction works. The one which I can absolutely recommend is probably a bit old now, but I found it the best - "How to make anyone fall in love with you" by Leil Lowndes. There are a lot of really sketchy authors in this space as well - the "Pick up artist" crowd. They suck giant donkey balls, don't go near them with a barge pole.

As an autistic person take advantage of your strengths. The rules might not make sense but as long as you know them you'll be able to follow them. So learn them, experiment, and go forward.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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