Upset
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14-08-2013, 08:35 AM
Upset
So, this is going to be a long post.

Some context: I'm 23, living with my 19 year old brother and 29 year old boyfriend away from my hometown. I'm in my 4th year of college, my brother is in his first. Mom and Dad are paying our way through college, Boyfriend has a job. The three of us have been living together for about six months, prior to this I lived with a roommate for like 2 years and then alone for another 2. I've been dating Boyfriend for about four and a half years.

Things are not going well with Brother. I don't want to say he's a little spoiled piece of shit, but he kind of is. He's always had our mom cleaning up after him, and I'm really used to being on my own. He makes a mess and then gets mad when I tell him to clean it up. Cooks always for just himself and then gets mad if I cook for just Boyfriend and I. I had to tell him TWICE not to leave the bidet filthy after using it (this is a bidet). I could go on.

Last night my mom called and basically asked me if Boyfriend beats me. What triggered her suspicions was that I fell out of touch with my old roommate (the one I lived with about three years ago and had to move out because I couldn't stand her anymore. Mom knew of this at the time), with an old highschool friend that lives nearby, and now with Brother. I never really had a solid relationship with my brother. Her reasoning was that I started dating Boyfriend, then I got fed up with Old Roommate and moved out, then I kind of fell out of touch with Old Highschool Friend and now things with Brother are shitty. And since abusive relationships begin with isolating the victim, she thought this was happening to me. Mind you, these events happened over the course of four and a half years.

I tried to reassure her that this was a completely stupid and detached from reality thing to say, although I was pretty mad and I am still. I know she's just concerned, and me trying to reassure her is in everyone's best interest but I'm just pissed right now and want nothing to do with her. I also know this would be my reaction if I indeed was in an abusive relationship.

Furthermore, I think she didn't tell me all the reasons that led her to believe this nonsense. I think that Brother has been bitching to her. He simply cannot confront anyone about anything, and he deals with things by being passive aggressive. And I'm having a hard time not calling her and casually mentioning Brother's pot habit, just to be petty since I know how she feels about drugs. I can bitch to Mom too.

Ugh, I'm embarrassed as this is extremely personal but I have no one to talk to, since pretty much all of my friends think very highly of my mom and I'm pretty sure they would think she's onto something and having one person to convince that Boyfriend is the most loving and respectful person I know is more than enough.

I don't even know what I'm asking. I'm mad. I have a million things to do and I can't concentrate. I don't know what I could possibly tell Mom that would put her suspicions to rest. I'm hating Brother right now. To top it all off, Mom said she'd pray for me. I want to punch things.

Welp, it wasn't that long.

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14-08-2013, 08:46 AM
RE: Upset
Tell your bro that if he doesnt get his shit together,he can move out

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It's too damn "peopley" out there....
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14-08-2013, 12:47 PM
RE: Upset
Most likely to succeed IMO would be if your bf were to chat to Mama calmly about it but he might not be too chuffed to find out that she thinks so low of him...
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14-08-2013, 01:15 PM
RE: Upset
Your brother is a brat and needs to learn to share the apartment or get his own.

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14-08-2013, 02:40 PM
RE: Upset
You need to confront your brother asap and set some ground rules assuming he isn't contributing money-wise. Give him some chores of his own. If he doesn't like it, then he can find his own place to live. Who does he think he is, anyway? You don't owe your brother a thing. I don't know why he isn't living with his mother, but I do know he shouldn't be your responsibility. Either he follows the rules, or he moves out.

Your mother will most likely complain, but keep calm and explain yourself, even if it means snitching on him (i.e the bidet). Remind her you have your own life to lead, and since your brother isn't doing a thing to help, he's not worth keeping around. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but some kids have to learn the hard way.

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14-08-2013, 03:06 PM
RE: Upset
I been in brother's position, actually my first year in college sounds pretty much like yours. He probably is a spoiled brat, but you bitching about it will only make things worse.

My advice, sit him down and talk to him as an adult, he's probably making a that transition into adulthood and it's not smooth for everyone. Ask him if he's comfortable with living with your boyfriend (it was kind of annoying for me), and arm yourself with patience, he will probably change, but it'll take some time.

If you want to speed things up, make things a bit harder for him (make him notice how bad is to not have his laundry done or something like that)

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14-08-2013, 05:23 PM
Re: Upset
I agree with this for the most part. If you do decide to go the route of trying to talk to him like an adult, don't expect him to respond or react like a reasonable or logical one. I fought tooth and nail against realizing I was spoiled rotten.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. (I don't remember who said it and I'm too lazy to look it up)

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15-08-2013, 06:28 AM
RE: Upset
Thanks a lot guys for your input. I was half expecting someone to say "But but but it's your brother!".

I guess I should have mentioned that I have talked to him about this. I've told him what I expect him to do as a roommate (plus, I've lost count of the times I've reminded him of things like turning the lights off when he leaves a room). He was consulted months before we all moved in together and said he was OK with living with Boyfriend. He obviously expected something different.

I can't just kick him out, but I'm seriously considering moving out by the end of the year. When I said "Dad is paying out way through college" I meant expenses and rent, since the biggest colleges in my country are public and we are both attending public ones. I'm thinking of getting a job and supporting myself so I'm not obligated to deal with this, even if that will mean taking less classes and getting my degree who knows when.

Seriously, thanks a lot! I'm feeling much better now, although I'm still royally pissed off and may or may not call up my mom in a fit of rage and tell her all about the illegal plants growing inside Brother's room.

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15-08-2013, 03:10 PM
RE: Upset
(14-08-2013 12:47 PM)morondog Wrote:  Most likely to succeed IMO would be if your bf were to chat to Mama calmly about it but he might not be too chuffed to find out that she thinks so low of him...

Just wanted to chime in and say that the above worked well in my situation, wherein my mom would insinuate that my husband was isolating me and would say that's how abusive relationships are, etc. Never mind that we've been together for over 10 years and I'm sure if he had abusive tendencies, he'd not have been able to keep them in check for this long!

Anyway, it was for other reasons that my husband had a "chat" with her (she was overstepping her bounds as a grandparent and was insinuating that I was not a good mother, etc.) and it worked well. She's been much better since.

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16-08-2013, 09:15 PM
RE: Upset
Honestly, I know it sucks, but from one person to another just suck it up and let it go.

I'm 23 right now and when i was in high school I made the colossal mistake of living with my father. The reason it was a mistake is that my father was horribly abusive, but he was rich as fuck. He had already given my sister a full ride, and because of him beating the fuck out of me I told him to shove it, and I joined the military instead of going to college. Now, while in the military I'm trying to get my degree by myself and it is Not cheap.

If I had to go back and do it again, I'd just suck it up, deal with my dad, and get a free ride. Don't make my mistake by going off on your mom, or don't make that mistake for your brother by telling your mom about his drug use. Lives can be ruined with shit like this, Please don't let it be yours.

Your already in your fourth year, whats another 1-2 years with slobs compared to a life of awesomeness with a free degree?

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