Venting About Life
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24-10-2016, 12:34 PM
Venting About Life
Hey, so I'm just going to vent. This post is probably going to be rather long. I have a lot of heavy stuff going on in my life. I'm hoping to start posting more to the forums, but that all depends on how everything plays out here. Hopefully next month I'll be able to be a little more active.

I suffer from depression and anxiety, which makes dealing with everything going on already harder than it is. One of the most impossible tasks of the day is getting out of bed in the mornings. My medication is helping some, but I still have quite a way to go.

My room mates are like family. The 16 year old, Panda, was diagnosed with a very rare, very aggressive cancer about a month ago. A few days ago, we found out she has a more common cancer, but it's another very aggressive cancer. We are waiting to find out what chemo treatment Panda will need for the cancer, before the second cancer was found, we were told a minimum of 6 months... She had a 5lb tumor that grew in less than a month, based on how fast it grew from when it was discovered to when it was removed. It's been scary for all of us and it seems like the bad news just won't stop coming.

I'm scared to express how I'm feeling here, because the last time I did I was attacked for it. What I had tried to do by expressing what I was going through was, "this is hard on all of us, we are all hurting, let's work through this together." Nope, instead I get attacked for it. "You're letting everything defeat you." Like, really? Crying is defeat? Crying is a way of releasing hormones so emotions aren't quite so overwhelming. Crying is also a form of coping. I'm not sure how she (I'll call her Dolphin) got crying as a form of defeat. And somewhere in the conversation, between Dolphin yelling and attacking me, and me trying to get her to stop, she called me evil.

I don't know how she got me being evil, which was a double slap to the face because I have sacrificed a lot for them. I have been making sure we aren't all homeless right now. I was putting food on the table for 3 months to feed 2 teenagers and 3 adults, plus sometimes Beard's 3 teenage kids when they would come over to visit. I have paid for the gas in the vehicle, I have paid utilities, I have paid their phone bill, among other things, dipping into my savings account that I've been using to try and get a car. The reason I don't have one is because I have been financially supporting 5 of us when their paycheck runs out. They need to budget better, I've talked with them about this and next month they'll be forced to. I feel bad about it, but I need them to realize that they can support themselves without my help. They hit a financial bump earlier in the year, I understood, but it's been months now and they should be able to pick back up where they left off. - I'll get more into the how later on.

A week ago, a very close friend of mine I've known for 10 years hit some really hard times. She's a transgender woman who has been taking care of her not so nice mom, to put it lightly. Her mom has had health issues for as long as I can remember and uses them to emotionally , verbally, and sometimes physically abuse her. She's in her mid 20's. Both of her parents are very, very transphobic. She was discovered in the closet. They've sold her xbox, taken away all forms of communication, and she's being treated worse than a grounded teenager. They're watching her every move, they refuse to let her talk with anyone, and they're forcing her to go to therapy to "fix" her.

She's been able to sneak emails during her lunch break at work. That's how I know about what she's going through. And she's scared it's only a matter of time before she's discovered emailing her friends before that's taken away from her too. There's nothing I can do to get her out of there and even if I were to try, it would make things worse for her until she's ready and able to leave them. None of her friends know when, or even how long that will be.

Next week I'm going to visit my 3 year old son. I placed him with his adoptive parents last year while I was homeless. He's got so much going for him that I never could have hoped to give to him. He has a family, he has two parents, he's doing things and learning things I never would have been able to give him. There's still so much grief involved. I'm having panic attacks and nightmares about being on a bus for 3 days to go visit him (they live out of state).

I'm so excited for this visit, but I'm also really dreading the visit. On the one hand, it is going to be amazing to see him again, to see how much he's grown and what he is going through. On the other hand, it's going to open a lot of wounds, show me everything that I have been missing, and show me things I'm going to be missing in the upcoming months. I can't wait to see him, yet I can't wait for it to be over either. Especially the bus ride. Why can't there be teleportation devices already so that plane tickets aren't so expensive?

After going to see my mom, I'm going to be staying with my (step) mom next month. She's been going through some incredibly difficult things herself. She also suffers from depression. It will be amazing to see her again, but it's also going to be hard. My ex-dad (he's a toxic person I've disowned) has been treating my mom horribly. He's put her through a lot of ups and downs, saying one thing, doing another, saying it again, then showing her something different. Back and forth over the years. They don't live together, which my brother and my step siblings are all thankful for. But my mom trying to work things out with him, even after the abuse, has still been really hard on her. She's finally gotten to the point where she's done with him. I'm proud she's able to walk away, but I also know how difficult it is.

I left an abusive relationship earlier this year. I'm still not over everything he put me through. I'm over him, so glad to be done with him. But the things he said, the things he did... that's taking more time. I'm working on it with my therapist, but I still have a long ways to go. I still have nightmares about his threats, about the things he did, and the things he said. I can't talk about it where I live (even before we found out about Panda's health), only inside of therapy. When I would try to talk about it, I was fed the "you have to realize he has problems too."

Like, really? Sure, he may have problems, I have problems too. I've been hurt and abused before him, but I don't go around abusing and using people. The difference is, people Choose who they want to be, we choose how we grow. That's what it boils down to. People choose to lie, they choose to shout, they choose to betray, they choose to physically harm, they choose what kind of a person they want to be. That's not saying some of these choices won't be harder for some, and if they need the help to change their choices, they can get it.

I've been struggling with the questions "how can I stay? But how can I leave?" How can I stay here when I haven't always been respected? When I have been called evil by one of the people I've been helping? When I have noticed how things are changing and they aren't necessarily for the better? But how can I leave when they have been like family to me, especially in light of what Panda is going through? I feel stuck right now, eventually I'll leave here though. It's just going to be quite the storm before I can.
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24-10-2016, 02:50 PM
RE: Venting About Life
Hug

Wow, that is heavy Sad I think you sound amazingly sane for all the shit that's going on in your life right now.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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