We Finally had the "Talk."
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28-02-2013, 11:01 PM
We Finally had the "Talk."
I know I've mentioned some of this before and all input has been appreciated.

I have been feeling so alienated and disconnected with my boyfriend of 3 years in the last few months and in the last few weeks, I've finally stopped to evaluate and figure things out. Can we "make" it? Is our relationship strong enough to overcome such huge differences in opinion?

We finally had the "talk" earlier today. We hashed things out for a few hours and I feel like I got him thinking. We are very compatible with each other. We have very similar personalities and enjoy the same sense of humor. We complement the other in so many ways. He says in the last few weeks, that he's noticed I've "changed." He says it seems like I was fine one day and the next, I was different. (I reminded him that I've been telling him the disconnection I've felt for sometime. I was essentially pleading to figure it out because something feels like it's missing.)

He wonders how in the more than 3 years we've been together, I decided to be more "outspoken" about my true feelings regarding atheism and theism. He said things were "going so well" and that I never talked to him about religion before now. I told him I think that I feel I compromised with him-but it's as though I finally realized it was one-sided. I told him long ago that if we ever had kids, he could raise them in the faith that he wishes. *In this case, Christian*

I couldn't even look at him when I said I "fear having a baby with him." (I've been saying for awhile that I don't want to have another child. But I finally said I worry about the issues that could come up with us raising a child together.) He seemed taken aback. He said, "Well that makes me feel shitty."

I said, "let's say we have a child about 5 years from now. I already have a 6 year old and by the time OUR child is about 4, (I'm using the age my son began questioning why he had to do things as a reference.) [my son] will be in his early teens. What about the day that our child sees [my son] enjoying his Sunday morning at home or with friends-I would like to me sleeping in on Sunday myself- and he questions and whines that it's not fair [my son] gets to stay home, but HE 'has to go to church?' What do we say to our son?"

He didn't seem to have anything to say to that! It's like he never questioned or pondered how treating one child one way would effect the other and/or how each child would perceive it.

I asked him:
1) Do you worry my son will make OUR child question his faith? (He'll be a teenager and older brother-They do stuff like that.)

HE RESPONDED THAT "THAT'S WHAT FAITH IS FOR. PEOPLE ARE GOING TO MAKE US QUESTION OUR BELIEFS. WE NEED TO HAVE FAITH IN GOD THAT WE CAN STAY ON THE RIGHT PATH."


2) Do you think it'll look like favoritism if you spend more time teaching the child we share together Christian values while [my son] never got that much attention?

3) What about when our child asks religious stuff to mommy? She's always going to say, "Go ask your father."

By the end of the conversation and a cigarette, I came back inside and he stated, "I don't know what to think about our relationship anymore." *Pull on my heart strings.*

We later discussed that we love each other. It's been fun. I said that I think a couple can be MOSTLY compatible but sometimes, one might change and it's hard to overcome that. I told him what if there is another girl out there who is super cute, funny and quirky and ALSO CHRISTIAN? I also asked about the possibility there could be another guy out there who's funny, kind and amazing and ALSO AN ATHEIST?

I don't know if we can overcome this. I don't know if I want to live like everything is perfect anymore. I think he is wondering the same. Maybe we are better off calling it quits before we put more time into it.

I need advice on what we should do now.

"It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in awhile exhilarating." -Stephen King
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28-02-2013, 11:18 PM
RE: We Finally had the "Talk."
The recipe for a good relationship is communication and you certainly seem to have that. It's a fine start.

You have asked the correct questions and I think pondering those for a while would be wise but in the end you will need to look inside yourself and ask, 'do I really want to head down this path?' (meaning the religious path). Especially as you already have a son to think about.

I have no magical advice for you but I'm sure you will make the right decision as you seem to have your head screwed on the right way.

The only suggestion I could make would be maybe see a relationship counsellor.

Good luck Thumbsup

Humankind Dodgy (a total misnomer)
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28-02-2013, 11:32 PM
RE: We Finally had the "Talk."
I have nothing to say other than that I don't understand how a practising Christian and an atheist can possibly be a couple. I'm not saying it's impossible, just that I don't understand it. I could never take my partner seriously if they believed things I knew were irrational.

Just my two cents.

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28-02-2013, 11:40 PM
RE: We Finally had the "Talk."
(28-02-2013 11:32 PM)Aspchizo Wrote:  I have nothing to say other than that I don't understand how a practising Christian and an atheist can possibly be a couple. I'm not saying it's impossible, just that I don't understand it. I could never take my partner seriously if they believed things I knew were irrational.

Just my two cents.
We've been positive up until a few weeks ago. We thought being different would make us closer. Now I'm realizing we have major fundamental differences.

"It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in awhile exhilarating." -Stephen King
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28-02-2013, 11:42 PM
RE: We Finally had the "Talk."
(28-02-2013 11:40 PM)Peanut Wrote:  
(28-02-2013 11:32 PM)Aspchizo Wrote:  I have nothing to say other than that I don't understand how a practising Christian and an atheist can possibly be a couple. I'm not saying it's impossible, just that I don't understand it. I could never take my partner seriously if they believed things I knew were irrational.

Just my two cents.
We've been positive up until a few weeks ago. We thought being different would make us closer. Now I'm realizing we have major fundamental differences.
Differences in opinions in some things are good, but when one believes in a talking snake and a ruling sky daddy, I'm out.

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28-02-2013, 11:49 PM
RE: We Finally had the "Talk."
Will he consider bringing up a child (your child) without religion? In other words is it his way or the highway?

“I suppose our capacity for self-delusion is boundless."
― John Steinbeck, Travels with Charley: In Search of America
“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's." - Mark Twain in Eruption
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28-02-2013, 11:53 PM
RE: We Finally had the "Talk."
You and your child are whats most important here... Your boyfriend will be fine, whatever you decide. If you're living together it will be tough, but wherever you can be with your kid IS home. And I'm sure that if you become single in the near future, it will be for the right reasons, and you will find someone if you want to.

You could see a counsellor, which may help, but I think you've raised some potentially major issues about a family future. All I know is that I draw the line at mild spirituality, where any hocus pokus beyond believing in the soul is not going to fly.

Of course, even that doesn't guarantee anything. Recently ended a close to 10 year relationship (about 7 on, 3 off) about 1 1/2 months ago... She was my best friend, and we saw eye to eye on most things, but we finally realized that we wanted different things out of life.

I can tell you though, that even if we wanted the same things, it wouldn't have lasted nearly as long if we disagreed on major belief systems.

Now, I'm kind of robotic, and while I freely discuss my feelings, I dont have very intense ones, and I dont understand them well... So I look for things that make me feel. Like this song, which seems appropriate. If it isn't, I apologize.



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28-02-2013, 11:56 PM
RE: We Finally had the "Talk."
(28-02-2013 11:49 PM)Full Circle Wrote:  Will he consider bringing up a child (your child) without religion? In other words is it his way or the highway?
Actually, this ^... But if he truly does wish to raise his child Christian, it might cause resentment down the road. And even if it doesn't, I don't like making people sad, do you? Assuming he doesn't change his own beliefs, one of you is gonna compromise in some way which they'll most likely regret.
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01-03-2013, 12:03 AM
RE: We Finally had the "Talk."
(28-02-2013 11:49 PM)Full Circle Wrote:  Will he consider bringing up a child (your child) without religion? In other words is it his way or the highway?
It's not "his way or the highway." He's very open. He doesn't intervene when I say I don't want my child involved with a religion. He did ask, "What if [your son] decides he wants to go to church? What if I don't have to worry about HIM making OUR CHILD question his faith because he realizes Christianity is for him?" I told him that he can ask ME questions- I don't think he'll need to go to church. If, for some reason, religion "speaks to him," then , sure, son. Do what makes you happy.

He knows I feel like it's rude for people that know I don't believe (BF's mother) to bring up religious stuff (angels, for example) and then I have to explain about it to him...

"It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in awhile exhilarating." -Stephen King
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01-03-2013, 12:04 AM
We Finally had the "Talk."
I think problems could arise from seeing a counselor. If a secular counselor your boyfriend may feel unfairly represented. If religious, how would you feel in such counseling?

Then again I suppose seeing a counselor can be fraught with such problems even when religion isn't one of them (gender). Hmmm.

He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy! -Brian's mum
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