Weird situation, would appreciate some input.
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05-06-2016, 02:33 PM
Weird situation, would appreciate some input.
Many here know that I had a crap childhood because I had violent, alcoholic parents who really should not have had children. Too much to go into.

Some years ago I broke ties with my mother...she is just too toxic to have in my life. It was not an easy decision, certainly not one I took lightly or made in haste. I am good with the decision. My children and grandchildren also do not have anything to do with her but not because of me. My kids distanced themselves from her for many of the same reasons I did.

Anyway...mommy dearest basically threw my dad out taking everything he had worked for in 2003. She then moved in the man she had dated when she was 15 - before she found out he was married and had kids...a whole other story. I have never met him but I really think there may be a possibility that he is/was really my father. I also think that is why I was treated like shit and so differently from my siblings. My siblings know this man, his name is Max, and they think he is a nice guy who got suckered into our mother's sick and twisted scheme.

I have talked to my mother once in the last dozen years and that's when my grandmother died. I called to express my condolences to that side of the family...that was in 2009 right after my second cancer surgery.

I talked with my sister today. Max died a couple weeks ago. I knew through her that he had been sick but I wasn't notified of the death until today. My sister and her man and my brother and nephew went to NC to pay their respects...note that my sister-in-law didn't go as she has never been good enough for my mother and never felt welcome around her.

Anyhow...should I send my mother a sympathy card? Part of me says it's the decent thing to do. Part of me says...let sleeping dogs lie. Undecided

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat

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05-06-2016, 02:40 PM
RE: Weird situation, would appreciate some input.
My instinct would be to let sleeping dogs lie. (Although it's also fine to send a card, but if that could lead to a big drama thing that will make things between you and your family worse, it may be more trouble than it's worth)

My mother is also an alcoholic. Interactions with her don't seem to make her feel better and they always make me feel worse or lead to a bunch of drama and trouble for all involved.
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05-06-2016, 02:42 PM
RE: Weird situation, would appreciate some input.
If she wasn't concerned enough to notify you about his death -- it pretty much takes you off the hook as far as social concern - in sending her a sympathy card.......


I think that the very fact that you're pondering the situation, marks you as a good and decent person...........

So -- if you don't want to send her a card - for your own well being ----- you'd never hear me say that you're doing it out of spite or selfishness.........I'm betting nobody else would either.

You just don't owe her -- and you don't need her mucking up your life....

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05-06-2016, 02:43 PM
RE: Weird situation, would appreciate some input.
I urge you to do whichever feels better for you.

You got the news second hand, so you are under no obligation.

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Science is not a subject, but a method.
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05-06-2016, 02:47 PM
RE: Weird situation, would appreciate some input.
Thanks all...in fairness, I did tell her years ago to never call me again. She did once after that and I restated that request.

If I can find a really simple card that she can't analyze and twist into something it isn't, I may do that....fuck, never mind. I just answered my own question...she will analyze and criticize and talk shit no matter what I do. I will save the price of a card and postage for someone who will appreciate one at some point.

Thanks...I think I just needed to talk it out.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat

Are my Chakras on straight?
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05-06-2016, 02:48 PM
RE: Weird situation, would appreciate some input.
I can't say what is right for you but if it was me I would let it go. I too cut myself off from my toxic family 20yrs ago and do not regret it one minute. I wouldn't make contact with them for any reason. My mother passed away 2 yrs ago and I didn't find out until Nov when I just happened to wonder if they were still alive and searched their names. Hers came up in the obits of the local paper. My regret is that I didn't have parents worthy of the task of raising children and that I didn't make the break sooner.

You do as you feel right but think carefully, do you want her to try to get back in your family? Do you want your family exposed to or to feel beholden to her for anything? Regrets are often hard but the alternative can also be devastating. Good luck. Smile

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05-06-2016, 02:54 PM
RE: Weird situation, would appreciate some input.
I had to remove my mother from my life as well ca. 25y ago, not because of alcoholism but rather because of insane/irritating behaviour.

She permanently tried to contact me and twice i made (in hindsight) the mistake to get in contact with her again...with devastating results for my mental health and as i could figure, she ultimately suffered too. Since then i decided that its better not to have contact at all than to have the inevitable toxic relationship we always had.
Sometimes one just has to accept the facts, no matter how nasty they are. Cant say i am feeling good about my decision, but it was the best i could do and to this day i own up to it. Plage or cholera is always a hard choice and noone should be judged who doesnt know how that feels.

My 2c: there is no chance that anything between you and your mother will have changed after you parted (at least you gave no indication). So establishing any kind of contact again will only hurt any parties involved. Noone gains anything from this, thats my evaluation.

It may sound harsh, but better not to have contact at all than to have unbearable trouble with each other. i dont think anyone is morally compelled to endure such strain just because you share the same blood with someone. There is a limit to everything.

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05-06-2016, 03:06 PM
RE: Weird situation, would appreciate some input.
Seth did an interview a couple weeks ago with Tracie Harris from 'The Atheist Experience'. In passing it came up that her parents were both dead...it caught Seth off guard and he apologized profusely. Ms. Harris stopped him and told him not to worry, she had not had a relationship with her parents in quite some time. She briefly described the situation and I felt liberated by it. People just don't talk out loud about cutting ties with their parents. It's just not socially acceptable even when the relationship is toxic and irreparable.

When first I made the final decision to cut ties I went to a therapist for a few sessions about it...most people just don't understand. Her first question to me was wanting to know why I was there. I told her that I wanted her permission to never speak to my mother again. I didn't know anyone else, at that time, who had ever completely removed a parent or parents from their lives.

It helps still when I find out others have had to do the same. I understand the pain that comes from that decision and the pain that makes that decision necessary.

Thanks again.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat

Are my Chakras on straight?
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05-06-2016, 03:13 PM
RE: Weird situation, would appreciate some input.
I cut all ties to relatives many years ago and have never regretted it. Being closely related isn't a pass for being toxic and life is too short to be bogged down by toxic people. It is sometimes said that you can't choose your family but that's wrong; you can't choose your genetic relatives but your family is made up of the people you choose to make a part of your life.

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05-06-2016, 03:48 PM
RE: Weird situation, would appreciate some input.
(05-06-2016 03:06 PM)Anjele Wrote:  Seth did an interview a couple weeks ago with Tracie Harris from 'The Atheist Experience'. In passing it came up that her parents were both dead...it caught Seth off guard and he apologized profusely. Ms. Harris stopped him and told him not to worry, she had not had a relationship with her parents in quite some time. She briefly described the situation and I felt liberated by it. People just don't talk out loud about cutting ties with their parents. It's just not socially acceptable even when the relationship is toxic and irreparable.

When first I made the final decision to cut ties I went to a therapist for a few sessions about it...most people just don't understand. Her first question to me was wanting to know why I was there. I told her that I wanted her permission to never speak to my mother again. I didn't know anyone else, at that time, who had ever completely removed a parent or parents from their lives.

It helps still when I find out others have had to do the same. I understand the pain that comes from that decision and the pain that makes that decision necessary.

Thanks again.

I just learned the same thing. It was always hard to try and explain my situation to my friends who didnt have disfunctional families like i did.
Never thought joining TTA would actually help me with this topic.
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