Well.
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08-01-2017, 11:02 PM
Well.
I have a long distance relationship with someone. And they might be dead right now. In which case I'm not sure how this hurts them.

Thing is their phone was broken recently. Specifically their Internet was down. So they were offline for like 20 hours. The most we'd been out of touch before that was 16 hours or so, once, when they slept, and we've been dating for something like four months. Anyway, this happened just the day before yesterday, and they explained to me how their phone might break again and how they'll just get a new one if that happens. But the thing is, after they'd been gone for a few hours they emailed me telling me about their phone and how it's getting repaired.

It's been 30 hours now. No sign of life.

They're either dead or broken up with me. The latter seems insane but it still might be true. We had this thing where I made predictions about their behavior and they tended to fall into them regardless. I told them they'd leave me. I acted very strangely, putting myself down and so on.

Now thinking that they actually left me because of that, is just nuts. This couldn't have been just a big fat lie after all.

Thinking that they're testing me right now, which is certainly plausible as well, is crazy too. Surely, that's just insane. They wouldn't do that. I'm contemplating the worst way out right now. I wrote them about it. They would know.

So these two options are out. Did they leave me? I just don't see it happening. Are they testing me? Not likely.

They're either dead or they can't get access to a phone right now. Their friend was in the hospital last we talked and they told me they just needed to be there for them right now. OK. I get it. But this is too out of the ordinary.

And... If I did fail their test. Thing is I'm seeking help because I'm afraid I won't make it alive through the day myself. And if they're alive they'd need me to be alive too, presumably. See, we have a deal about that. We're not allowed to take the easy way out. So I kind of owe it to them.

I sought help from real life people close to me. Thing is they're not in a position to help me. I'm away from home, and I don't exactly have a lot of options as to who I can talk to about this right now.

All of this being said. It still doesn't register with me. Surely they could've emailed me by now by borrowing someone else's device if they're phone is dead? And surely their friend would've called me by now or emailed me if something happened to them? True, the same friend is in the hospital and might be unconscious themselves, but how likely... I don't know.

I'm in shock. And I'm confused. And I'm scared what I might do. I feel nauseous. I feel a pit in my stomach that won't go away. This person was part of who I am. It's incomprehensible to me to move on or anything like that.

I will do everything within my power to find out for sure what happened. But until then, I'll search for all the help I need. I'm looking forward to my first session with a psychiatrist. Me seeing a psychiatrist is a joke, by the way. I'm the last person on earth who would've ever done it. But I made a promise. I need to keep it. We had a deal. And this is honoring that deal.

The more time passes, the more unlikely it is they're alive. Someone can't just be with you for four months and then leave you knowing how much you're dependent on them. Without any sign. That's not possible. I know them. I know them deeply.

And I hope they're okay. Because I feel like I'm dying. And I hope I get some help here. And I hope my style doesn't put anyone off. I sound like a robot. I'm perfectly aware. Rest assured, I'm holding back something like a deep salty ocean of the darkest misery imaginable. And being a robot is the only way I know how to do that. Maybe that makes me a coward. In any case, this can't last for long. I can't comprehend them being gone. If it's true. Well.

This is my story. Hopefully it's not as serious as I fear.

Even if I didn't love them, which I do, more than life itself, this would be a blow to every part of my being. This would mean my modus operandi completely and utterly failed me for the first time ever. This would mean I didn't see it coming. I failed them.

And that, in turn, means the end.
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08-01-2017, 11:16 PM
RE: Well.
Don't let it be the end. Please.

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
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08-01-2017, 11:21 PM
RE: Well.
*Hugs* I hope your bf/gf is okay. It could be any number of reasons as to why your gf/bf is not getting in touch with you. You did what you could to try and get in contact with them. The only other thing I could suggest is to try and contact one of their friends or family members just saying you are concerned and are just making sure your gf/bf is okay.

I'm glad you are seeing a psychiatrist. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot.

I truly hope everything is okay with your friend-but I hope no matter what the outcome is, get yourself some help. You didn't fail anyone, people make their own choices in life. You have no control over what someone will/will not do. You can only be a friend and offer love and support, which it sounds like you did.

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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08-01-2017, 11:29 PM
RE: Well.
(08-01-2017 11:16 PM)evenheathen Wrote:  Don't let it be the end. Please.

You have a lot to offer life, EP. You are worthy of life. Ending things is never the answer. If you are feeling that way currently, I urge you to call a suicide hotline.

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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08-01-2017, 11:43 PM
RE: Well.
(08-01-2017 11:29 PM)jennybee Wrote:  
(08-01-2017 11:16 PM)evenheathen Wrote:  Don't let it be the end. Please.

You have a lot to offer life, EP. You are worthy of life. Ending things is never the answer. If you are feeling that way currently, I urge you to call a suicide hotline.

I'm fine now. I'm good at repressing my emotions. I'm paranoid and I'm a bit of a deluded narcissist, almost a psychopath some would say. Almost.

That can help a lot. What I'm scared about is if I lose my eternal cool. If the ice breaks. I'll feel. And that episode I had a few days ago where I could actually imagine me lying dead somehow, and I felt what depression really felt like for the first time maybe in my life, that could come back. And it could stay. And then I might act on it. And I don't care. But if I go. What about her?

I might be the worst human being in existence, I feel, but it's me. I can't change. This is me. I killed them. And nothing matters anymore.

I'm so emotionally detached that I only understand this peril intellectually. I can't cry. I can't do anything. I'm dead on the inside. The upside is I'm in no real danger. No one here has to worry about. No immediate danger at least. And I will find a hotline and call it somehow if depression hits me.

What I'm afraid of is losing myself because of the deep shock I'm experiencing right now. And it frightens me. Not because I might die, which is a possibility but an unlikelihood, I think, but because of the unknown. Who knows what I've been keeping in all these years locked behind the darkest shadows of my repetitive hell.

Is this the artist being reborn, or a pathetic failure doing what it had always done? Sucking the life out of everyone around them and being the most completely fucked up, fake and obnoxious slime of a human being on the planet?

Half of me is ashamed with what I'm writing. Because I think myself better than this. Perfection is my eternal curse. And I can't shake it.

I don't need counsel. I need life to kick me in the face. Maybe that will wake me up before it's too late for the people around me.
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09-01-2017, 12:19 AM
RE: Well.
(08-01-2017 11:43 PM)excitedpenguin Wrote:  
(08-01-2017 11:29 PM)jennybee Wrote:  You have a lot to offer life, EP. You are worthy of life. Ending things is never the answer. If you are feeling that way currently, I urge you to call a suicide hotline.

I'm fine now. I'm good at repressing my emotions. I'm paranoid and I'm a bit of a deluded narcissist, almost a psychopath some would say. Almost.

That can help a lot. What I'm scared about is if I lose my eternal cool. If the ice breaks. I'll feel. And that episode I had a few days ago where I could actually imagine me lying dead somehow, and I felt what depression really felt like for the first time maybe in my life, that could come back. And it could stay. And then I might act on it. And I don't care. But if I go. What about her?

I might be the worst human being in existence, I feel, but it's me. I can't change. This is me. I killed them. And nothing matters anymore.

I'm so emotionally detached that I only understand this peril intellectually. I can't cry. I can't do anything. I'm dead on the inside. The upside is I'm in no real danger. No one here has to worry about. No immediate danger at least. And I will find a hotline and call it somehow if depression hits me.

What I'm afraid of is losing myself because of the deep shock I'm experiencing right now. And it frightens me. Not because I might die, which is a possibility but an unlikelihood, I think, but because of the unknown. Who knows what I've been keeping in all these years locked behind the darkest shadows of my repetitive hell.

Is this the artist being reborn, or a pathetic failure doing what it had always done? Sucking the life out of everyone around them and being the most completely fucked up, fake and obnoxious slime of a human being on the planet?

Half of me is ashamed with what I'm writing. Because I think myself better than this. Perfection is my eternal curse. And I can't shake it.

I don't need counsel. I need life to kick me in the face. Maybe that will wake me up before it's too late for the people around me.

You're not the worst human being in existence. You're just dealing with a lot right now. It's okay to feel. I know it's scary but lots of people here to listen, so you're not alone. And numbness right now with the unknown is normal. You didn't let anyone down, so get that out of your head right now. You also don't know for sure why your friend hasn't called. There could be so many explanations.

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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09-01-2017, 12:37 AM
RE: Well.
You don't know how much this helped me. Just these messages. I'm not as anxious anymore.

Thank you. I mean it. Now just to wait and see...
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09-01-2017, 12:39 AM
RE: Well.
(09-01-2017 12:37 AM)excitedpenguin Wrote:  You don't know how much this helped me. Just these messages. I'm not as anxious anymore.

Thank you. I mean it. Now just to wait and see...

I'm glad it helped. Keep us posted on everything. And check in so we know you are okay Hug

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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09-01-2017, 12:41 AM
RE: Well.
(08-01-2017 11:43 PM)excitedpenguin Wrote:  Half of me is ashamed with what I'm writing. Because I think myself better than this. Perfection is my eternal curse. And I can't shake it.

You are better than this. Perfection is a pipe dream, nobody survives life. Living is all we have. Don't be ashamed to have it.

Feeling is a part of it. Don't be afraid to feel. You're not alive if you don't.

Slow down.

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
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09-01-2017, 12:46 AM
RE: Well.
I will. Thank you.
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