What are your views on monogamy?
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12-07-2017, 04:31 AM
RE: What are your views on monogamy?
(12-07-2017 03:58 AM)morondog Wrote:  If one person is spending all the money when dating then there's a major problem. Relationships are kinda finely balanced on power dynamics. I think it's far better to be straightforward about it and share costs, up until you're an item at least. And even after that. Of course what each person brings to the relationship can be different. It doesn't have to be money, but IMO the best relationship is where both people perceive they are putting in equally, whatever they're putting in. Otherwise you end up with a situation where people do feel that they're paying to use the other person, or where one person can feel obligated to the other. IMO that's not healthy.
Splitting costs/sharing money equally is the best way forward. For a few years my wife didn't work as she had our daughter, and I pretty much paid for everything. Fast forward a couple of years and we were knee deep in debts, all caused by my wife taking out store credit/various things that we couldnt afford, and shit really hit the fan.

From that day forward, as soon as our daughter went to school, my wife has worked full time again, and we each pay for our own things, and split the "joint" bills equally every month. I earn more than her so I pay some other bits out right (such as child care) but I try and keep it fairly equal where possible.

The ammount of times I've heard of couples breaking up over money or having huge fights about somebody spending all the joint money, is just insane. Pay for your own shit and make sure you pay the bills, end of story.

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12-07-2017, 05:52 AM
RE: What are your views on monogamy?
(12-07-2017 04:31 AM)OakTree500 Wrote:  
(12-07-2017 03:58 AM)morondog Wrote:  If one person is spending all the money when dating then there's a major problem. Relationships are kinda finely balanced on power dynamics. I think it's far better to be straightforward about it and share costs, up until you're an item at least. And even after that. Of course what each person brings to the relationship can be different. It doesn't have to be money, but IMO the best relationship is where both people perceive they are putting in equally, whatever they're putting in. Otherwise you end up with a situation where people do feel that they're paying to use the other person, or where one person can feel obligated to the other. IMO that's not healthy.
Splitting costs/sharing money equally is the best way forward. For a few years my wife didn't work as she had our daughter, and I pretty much paid for everything. Fast forward a couple of years and we were knee deep in debts, all caused by my wife taking out store credit/various things that we couldnt afford, and shit really hit the fan.

From that day forward, as soon as our daughter went to school, my wife has worked full time again, and we each pay for our own things, and split the "joint" bills equally every month. I earn more than her so I pay some other bits out right (such as child care) but I try and keep it fairly equal where possible.

The ammount of times I've heard of couples breaking up over money or having huge fights about somebody spending all the joint money, is just insane. Pay for your own shit and make sure you pay the bills, end of story.

See, I can see and agree with that completely. I can definitely agree with you and Morondog about the way you approach relationships. And I see your point about someone making more covering an aspect of a certain bill. For me you covering for child care doesn't impact the equality of bill pay because it's not about you and your wife, instead it's about your daughter and what kind of care you want to see her have. The dynamic doesn't apply in that case.

Usually when I have this conversation with women though the conversation almost always ends up with "Well your gay so you don't understand it.". I would be interested in seeing a study where they actually look at how many women expect the guy to pay and what kind of power dynamic exists in those relationships. Just from what I've observed though they are toxic and never ever end well. It appears to me that it usually ends up with at least one person feeling used by the other, if not both people feeling used.
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12-07-2017, 07:14 AM
RE: What are your views on monogamy?
Its a strange one. Many years ago my father was in a long term relationship with a lady who earned WAY more than he did/ever will. And she was happy to pay for more things because of it, but it was him that wouldn't have it, basically feeling emasculated or something.

Whilst more recently, some friends of mine have both earning fairly well, maybe the women more so than the man, and yet he doesnt really pay anything. This was because he's not long gotten a new job, and during his old job he earned very little, and it was agree'd he'd only pay X amount, with her paying the rest. He has a new job now that pays more....but doesn't want to up his share in the bills, which to me is criminal.

I think it comes down to your own opinions on money/what that is worth/how you want to share it with others. I don't have any money at all, but when I do I like to pay for things for others/buy small gifts etc, but I also know the value of money and what I can/can't spend. My wife is "ok" with money, but is very short sighted on occasion, not looking at the "long term" picture, and often finds herself over spending in areas....which is one of the many reasons I split up our bill payments, so I know pay my half, and only really pay for the odd more important thing, as I can afford it.

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12-07-2017, 10:57 AM
RE: What are your views on monogamy?
Hubby held down the fort and I brought home the bacon.

Two happy people. Big Grin

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12-07-2017, 12:49 PM
RE: What are your views on monogamy?
(12-07-2017 10:57 AM)Dom Wrote:  Hubby held down the fort and I brought home the bacon.

Two happy people. Big Grin

This is an usual situation which is quite possibly why it worked better (of course I am assuming) than were the revers true. I would be interested to hear how you two dealt with the sociological pressure of having inversed roles. Usually society looks down on a man who (and this is complete shit) "fulfills a womans duties". This question isn't meant as a challenge, rather as an outsider looking to understand how someone else dealt with non-standard role fulfillment and societal expectations.
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12-07-2017, 12:54 PM
RE: What are your views on monogamy?
It's the cheapest option available.

There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. -Camus
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12-07-2017, 01:21 PM
RE: What are your views on monogamy?
(12-07-2017 12:49 PM)BlkFnx Wrote:  
(12-07-2017 10:57 AM)Dom Wrote:  Hubby held down the fort and I brought home the bacon.

Two happy people. Big Grin

This is an usual situation which is quite possibly why it worked better (of course I am assuming) than were the revers true. I would be interested to hear how you two dealt with the sociological pressure of having inversed roles. Usually society looks down on a man who (and this is complete shit) "fulfills a womans duties". This question isn't meant as a challenge, rather as an outsider looking to understand how someone else dealt with non-standard role fulfillment and societal expectations.

We didn't care what they thought, and we didn't ask for opinions.

So it really never came up, although I am sure there was plenty of gossip. There also was an age difference, which led most people to initially assume he was my sugar daddy. So, if they bothered with our private lives, they had to make a few mental adjustments. Tongue

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12-07-2017, 01:48 PM
RE: What are your views on monogamy?
(12-07-2017 01:21 PM)Dom Wrote:  
(12-07-2017 12:49 PM)BlkFnx Wrote:  This is an usual situation which is quite possibly why it worked better (of course I am assuming) than were the revers true. I would be interested to hear how you two dealt with the sociological pressure of having inversed roles. Usually society looks down on a man who (and this is complete shit) "fulfills a womans duties". This question isn't meant as a challenge, rather as an outsider looking to understand how someone else dealt with non-standard role fulfillment and societal expectations.

We didn't care what they thought, and we didn't ask for opinions.

So it really never came up, although I am sure there was plenty of gossip. There also was an age difference, which led most people to initially assume he was my sugar daddy. So, if they bothered with our private lives, they had to make a few mental adjustments. Tongue
Wow i would have loved to have been a fly on the wall at those gossip circles lol.
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