What is slut shaming?
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06-03-2015, 07:00 PM
RE: What is slut shaming?
Julia,
You are young so I assume the guys you have been with are also young. At that age competition and a fear of not measuring up to a past experience you have had are real issues for a lot of guys.

If you are in a small town or area where word gets out and the guys know each other, it's going to be worse.

You have had sex but it doesn't sound like you have gotten to the point of an intense, intimate relationship. There is definitely a difference. One's not necessarily better or worse but they are different. The purely physical can be a lot of fun but the people involved had to have the confidence and maturity to deal with it.

Girls often slut shame other girls because if they know that a girl has has multiple encounters they are often afraid that their guy may be next on the list.

Age will fix a lot of the issues.

For now, I suggest the utmost caution to protect your health.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat

Are my Chakras on straight?
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06-03-2015, 07:16 PM
RE: What is slut shaming?
Slut shaming is criticizing someone, usually a woman, for being a slut, which in turn means being sexually promiscuous, overly active or dressing provocatively. It's a double standard. It dehumanizes woman because prudes are "better" and "smarter".

Girls slut shame other girls because they are taught by society (and religion) that being "promiscuous" is a sin or wrong, and therefore they see other women as being worse than them

"A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything" - Friedrich Nietzsche
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06-03-2015, 07:16 PM
RE: What is slut shaming?
(06-03-2015 06:41 PM)Julia Tiberius Wrote:  
(06-03-2015 06:39 PM)Nurse Wrote:  Some of it is your age. More mature men more often than not are gonna prefer women that know what the fuck they're doing in the bedroom. And more mature men aren't gonna be asking how many partners you have had, they're probably not going to want to share their numbers, either. It's not info you volunteer.

And if someone is already in a relationship and dumps you over something as petty as how many guys you've done the deed with, then good riddance.

But that's the problem. No one is interested. I didn't think about it much before but now I'm starting to think that maybe I've somehow ruined myself. After having sex with so many men I kind of feel unable to form bonds. I feel like I've lost something.

No. You need to grow up. Some things you keep to yourself. You don't need to blab everything to everyone. Maybe the person you have the problem with here is yourself ? Do you trust yourself ?

Insufferable know-it-all.Einstein God has a plan for us. Please stop screwing it up with your prayers.
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06-03-2015, 10:59 PM (This post was last modified: 06-03-2015 11:04 PM by Hafnof.)
RE: What is slut shaming?
(06-03-2015 06:07 PM)Bucky Ball Wrote:  
(06-03-2015 06:05 PM)Julia Tiberius Wrote:  Do you think there's any difference between a man being promiscuous, and a woman being promiscuous? I mean, is there a particular reason why men would consider it undesirable to be with a promiscuous woman?
Sure. He can't know if he's the father of the baby.

I think the investment problem is slightly more multi-faceted than maybe suggested so far in this thread. The passing on of genes is one aspect but the other is indeed investment in the relationship itself. Let's be a bit traditional here and talk about a two-parent family as a basic social contract. All parties invest something into this contract and get something out of it: The two parents, any children or animals or whatever in their care, and the broader society.

So genetic descent aside we have two adults who invest time with each other and who do not want to fall out of favour with each other. One classic way that a breakup can occur is if some problem exists in the relationship and an opportunity arises to change the pairing. Often this expresses itself sexually: One or both partners starts sleeping with someone else and this facilitates the breakup and reformation into a new pairing.

If we are to accept that a two-parent family is the/a traditional model of relationship then it makes sense that when two people pair up they may have something like this model in mind and would see the intrusion of a third party as a threat to the investment they have put into their relationship. If the pair want and agree and choose and communicate carefully a different model then more power to them. I won't criticise mutually-agreeable open marriages or whatever other form an alternate relationship takes. But let's say that two individuals roughly have this two-parent model in mind when they meet then sexual fidelity can play an important role in ensuring that difficult times in their relationship do not result in a breakup of their relationship. Or more specifically, an act that facilitates a unilaterally imposed change of pairing is a threat to the relationship and often sexual infidelity is one such act.

Well, none of that necessarily ties into how we might view a series of sexual relationships that a given person might have... but it isn't like any connection a future party might draw is totally imaginary either. Let's say forgetting the sexual component that someone has a history of relationship breakups and repairings. Is the investment that a potential partner puts into their relationship likely to result in a long-term pairing or when a difficult time comes up is that partner more likely to move on to a different pairing?

I don't want my wife to pair up with someone else and break up our family, nor does she want me to pair up with someone else and break up our family.

So then we get to facts and data and cultural norms which all mix together in complicated and not totally logical ways. I'm not across the data as to whether (say) the number of partners a person has prior to marriage has any connection to the likelihood of divorce over a ten or twenty year period. I'd be willing to guess that up to a certain limit at least there is very little connection between the two as people change and mature and relationship styles during teenage years are likely to differ significantly from later relationship styles. Others may guess differently however and I think that is a part of how "no sex before marriage" ended up attached to the notion of family in our culture. Maybe if you can prove your fidelity up to marriage you marriage is less likely to break up? I think that is a core unspoken notion here albeit likely a fallacious one - after all how many people make it through a long engagement as virgins even if they were prior to the engagement?

So to summarise:
- I think people fear (rightly or wrongly) that someone having a series of sexual partners implies insecurity for later relationships
- That slut shaming is a way of people judging someone as unfit for secure relationship for the reason above, and to try to use them as an object lesson to others
- That this is not grounded in evidence, but is grounded in what they consider a traditional social contract of a two-parent family and ideas of the mechanisms of how pairings change during difficult times
- I don't think this is solely or even primarily a question of investment in genetic offspring, though maybe I am wrong on that point if we look far enough back in time or at specific cultural examples

As for the individual context to me the important thing would be to communicate clearly and listen effectively when you and your potential partner talk about what your model of partnership looks like. If they are the same and you are both committed to work to that model even though difficult times then past experiences are not particularly relevant.

Give me your argument in the form of a published paper, and then we can start to talk.
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07-03-2015, 12:02 AM
RE: What is slut shaming?
(06-03-2015 06:32 PM)TheGulegon Wrote:  
(06-03-2015 06:23 PM)Julia Tiberius Wrote:  Can you explain why?

Let me explain why I'm asking all these questions. I'm 20 years old and i've had sex with 7 guys, and now no one will seriously date me once they find out.

Sex feels great, so unless it's an addiction type deal, it's great for the one having it. In this case you. Good on ya! And all that experience is something your future partner won't have to worry about teaching you, and the 2 of you can just get right down to it! Banana_zorro
If a guy wont get with ya cuz you've had more partners than he, he's a dumbass, &/or he's intimidated! In the case of the former, fu... forget him! The latter (like he's worried it'd be impossible for him to please someone with so much already under their belt) I don't know how to deal with, cuz the girlies can't intimidate me with sex stories! Tongue Some could kick my ass, though, no doubt! Confused
I'll just drop this here.....

There is no such thing as a sex addiction.
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07-03-2015, 12:16 AM
RE: What is slut shaming?
(07-03-2015 12:02 AM)Hobbitgirl Wrote:  
(06-03-2015 06:32 PM)TheGulegon Wrote:  Sex feels great, so unless it's an addiction type deal, it's great for the one having it. In this case you. Good on ya! And all that experience is something your future partner won't have to worry about teaching you, and the 2 of you can just get right down to it! Banana_zorro
If a guy wont get with ya cuz you've had more partners than he, he's a dumbass, &/or he's intimidated! In the case of the former, fu... forget him! The latter (like he's worried it'd be impossible for him to please someone with so much already under their belt) I don't know how to deal with, cuz the girlies can't intimidate me with sex stories! Tongue Some could kick my ass, though, no doubt! Confused
I'll just drop this here.....

There is no such thing as a sex addiction.

People can become addicted to many things. Any time you compulsively engage in an act despite the harm it causes you, you have an addiction. Just like underlying psychological issues can cause a person to drink or abuse drugs, it can cause you to act out sexually in negative ways.

I think we can agree that alcoholism and drug addiction are very real, and cause extremely adverse effects in one's life. Even knowing the consequences of their actions, addicts will continue to use without proper help. It's no different with sex. An addiction that manifests in a sexual nature can cause a person to engage in risky, life threatening, career ending, relationship ending sexual acts. Even knowing what the consequences of those actions will be. I don't see a difference.

I hope that the world turns, and things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. - V for Vendetta
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07-03-2015, 02:49 AM
RE: What is slut shaming?
Your past sexuality is your own -- if you own it then people will be ok with it.. you seem to be ashamed by a your past and therefore I feel others will see that and feel the same. It is not attractive to see a person disrespect themselves. Don't ask for forgiveness and no one will assume you need it - that being said, choose who you share that with.. I personally enjoy hearing about peoples past, sexual or otherwise, but I also can leave it in the past - I am not threatened, and I feel it gives me a perspective of the real person I am dealing with. Don't ever ask a question you can not handle the answer to, and don't share yourself with a person who you know isn't ready for your truths - your life is your own - no apologies needed!

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07-03-2015, 02:57 AM (This post was last modified: 07-03-2015 03:08 AM by Mathilda.)
RE: What is slut shaming?
(06-03-2015 06:16 PM)Nurse Wrote:  Or how about how my sorority called me to Standards (6 junior/seniors and the sponsor) when I was a pledge because of a rumor that I sucked off a Lambda Chi at a party? (And what if I did? Who the fuck cares? How in the hell did they even find out? And where were my big sisters when the guy took advantage of me? Goddamn I haven't thought about that one in 10 years...I only remember having one drink that night.) Aaaand told their friends about it and the rumor spread to multiple sororities and fraternities. Btw, I eventually depinned. Hard to overcome a tarnished reputation. And I was by no means the most promiscuous girl in the sorority nor my pledge class - hell, I only had sex with ONE person all through college.

I don't know what the pledge is, or a Lambda Chi, or called to standards or being depinned.

American universities are strange places. You don't get Fraternity or Sorority houses in Europe. At most you get Halls of Residences which are basically just blocks of accommodation for first year students. But that's all they are.

I went to university which was one of the few universities in the UK with a collegiate system (not Oxford or Cambridge) but it was all completely irrelevant.
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07-03-2015, 03:07 AM
RE: What is slut shaming?
(06-03-2015 06:41 PM)Julia Tiberius Wrote:  But that's the problem. No one is interested. I didn't think about it much before but now I'm starting to think that maybe I've somehow ruined myself. After having sex with so many men I kind of feel unable to form bonds. I feel like I've lost something.

Unless it was a bad experience then experience is never a bad thing. And even bad experiences are learning experiences.

You may be less able to feel that you can form a bond because you are more demanding about what you need.

Imagine you had tried out many different types of cars, you'd be far more discerning about which one was right for you when picking a new one.

That does not mean that you won't appreciate it when the right man / car comes along.

There's no doubt that it is actually extremely difficult to find the right person for yourself unless you are lucky. It is a numbers game. There are so many variables that need to match up before you find the person who is truly right for you. Many marriages end in divorce because people settle for the first person that comes along and then don't get to find anything better. Whereas some people don't ever find the right person. Of course all relationships need work but you both need to be fundamentally compatible.

I'm not specifically talking about sex but relationships, but if sex is a big part of your relationship then it still applies.
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07-03-2015, 03:10 AM
RE: What is slut shaming?
(06-03-2015 07:00 PM)Anjele Wrote:  If you are in a small town or area where word gets out and the guys know each other, it's going to be worse.

Also men can't boast about their new girlfriend if all their friends have already had her.
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