What is slut shaming?
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
07-03-2015, 03:20 AM
RE: What is slut shaming?
(06-03-2015 07:16 PM)Bucky Ball Wrote:  
(06-03-2015 06:41 PM)Julia Tiberius Wrote:  But that's the problem. No one is interested. I didn't think about it much before but now I'm starting to think that maybe I've somehow ruined myself. After having sex with so many men I kind of feel unable to form bonds. I feel like I've lost something.

No. You need to grow up. Some things you keep to yourself. You don't need to blab everything to everyone. Maybe the person you have the problem with here is yourself ? Do you trust yourself ?

If it's not a big deal then why do I need to keep it to myself? It's not that I go around just telling people, but if they ask, I mention it. It seems strange to me that I'm being told it's nothing to be ashamed of and at the same time I'm being told to keep it to myself. Why? If it's not a big deal and if it's meaningless, then how does keeping it a secret fit in with that? It makes no sense.

I've been trying to find the words to explain something that I was told recently. I'm going to paraphrase what I was told, partly in my own words and partly in the words of the person who said it to me :

Why is rape such a bad thing? Answer : Because it involves a person crossing a very personal and intimate boundary even though the two people do not have the intimacy or romantic dynamic between them. That's why it's in appropriate. It feels wrong. That's why girls don't like to just be grabbed by any old stranger, it's the same thing, he's crossing a boundary. He has no business touching her like that.

It's not the actual sex itself or the touching that's a problem. Almost everyone likes to be touched. And it's not even the fact of there being any force involved that's a problem (unless it involves hurting) because many women like rough sex and many women fantasize about being raped. The problem is that a line has been crossed.

The reason why rape can be very traumatizing is because it's a violation. In spanish the word for rape is violar, which is related to violation, and it's probably a similar word in latin and italian. So even the word rape itself in those languages refers to the violation aspect, not the sexual aspect. Rape is a violation, it's the inappropriate crossing and disrespect of a boundary.

It's like trespassing. People naturally feel uncomfortable when someone walks on their land, peeps through their window or follows them around. They even feel uncomfortable if someone sits really close to them and smiles at them from ear to ear. It's weird. Something about it feels wrong. It's the reason why in some countries people tend to sit apart on buses and trains. they don't want intimacy where it doesn't belong, and will do whatever they can to reduce the chances of it happening. that's that even though they know that other people aren't trying to do it intentionally. People just don't like having their space invaded.

And that's why rape is damaging. It is psychologically damaging.

Now imagine if you consented to having your space taken by strangers, repeatedly. Even though you've allowed it, it can still have the same effect. A woman who allows herself to be penetrated repeatedly by people who she does not have an intimate or romantic connection with is unknowingly letting herself be damaged psychologically.

She's allowing a threshold to be crossed without it being appropriately warranted. The fact that she's consenting to it doesn't make much difference, the damage is still being done. It's like opening your front door and allowing people to come in and snoop around. If someone offered you a load of money to allow this, and you did it, it would still feel uncomfortable, even though you're getting something out of it.

Sex is very delicate, and very powerful. Between two people who have at least a certain amount of rapport, connection, romance, some kind of energy or whatever between them, call it what you want, it's very positive. Even doing weird things like urinating on each other can be ok, because there's trust. But doing that with someone you barely know is totally different. The very same thing that would be a harmless bit of fun can become the source of mild trauma.

That's why there are women who say that the feel like they've been raped, even though they know that technically they haven't. The feeling is the same though, they feel the same sense of violation, even though consent was given, and there was no force.

Women are particularly sensitive to this. Men can have sex with lots of women and the effect will be relatively very minimal. There are even guys who go out with the intention of having sex with the ugliest woman they can find. They have competitions among themselves. Women never do this. They couldn't do it. But men are far more thick skinned when it comes to this.

And that's why promiscuous women are damaged, psychologically. They have allowed multiple men to cross a line without a "pass", and as a result, they feel violated even though they allowed it. They have damaged themselves by allowing it.

So that's pretty much what I was told, and it worries me a lot because I am definitely feeling it. I don't see sex the way I used to. I do feel dirty, and I feel like a complete idiot.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
07-03-2015, 03:28 AM
RE: What is slut shaming?
so this seems like your issue--- not the "boys" you wanna date

not saying you are right, wrong, or indifferent - but it seems like the person troubled with your past is you

Life is short and hard like a body building elf-- Blood Hound Gang
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes k37713's post
07-03-2015, 03:39 AM
RE: What is slut shaming?
(06-03-2015 06:23 PM)Julia Tiberius Wrote:  Let me explain why I'm asking all these questions. I'm 20 years old and i've had sex with 7 guys, and now no one will seriously date me once they find out.

That sucks, but if we were hypothetical partners and you came to me with that information, I might initially be taken aback. Nothing personal, but sometimes my logical mind lags behind my emotionally and socially conditioned responses. But would that be a barrier towards continuing the relationship? No. Would that be a barrier towards being intimate with one another? Nope. But before that I would insist on both the use of contraception and a screening for STD's, and I would insist on getting myself screened as well because that would only be fair (even though I was still a virgin at 20 myself).

So long as you're honest with your partner, it shouldn't be a problem. I'd be far more concerned with a person's history if it included cheating on their past partners. But just having a large number of sexual partners? So long as nobody was cheated on, that everything was consetual and nobody's trust was betrayed? I'd have no problem with that, especially if my partner were upfront with it.

Hopefully you'll eventually find someone open-minded enough to accept that and not apply a double standard to you and your past.

[Image: E3WvRwZ.gif]
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
07-03-2015, 05:08 AM
RE: What is slut shaming?
(07-03-2015 12:16 AM)Smercury44 Wrote:  
(07-03-2015 12:02 AM)Hobbitgirl Wrote:  I'll just drop this here.....

There is no such thing as a sex addiction.

People can become addicted to many things. Any time you compulsively engage in an act despite the harm it causes you, you have an addiction. Just like underlying psychological issues can cause a person to drink or abuse drugs, it can cause you to act out sexually in negative ways.

I think we can agree that alcoholism and drug addiction are very real, and cause extremely adverse effects in one's life. Even knowing the consequences of their actions, addicts will continue to use without proper help. It's no different with sex. An addiction that manifests in a sexual nature can cause a person to engage in risky, life threatening, career ending, relationship ending sexual acts. Even knowing what the consequences of those actions will be. I don't see a difference.

You should listen to the episode of the atheist experience called the myth of sex and porn addiction ( I believe that's the title)
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
07-03-2015, 05:10 AM
RE: What is slut shaming?
Dan savage has a great episode on it as well but I can't remember the episode number and I can't be bothered going back to look. Lol
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
07-03-2015, 06:35 AM
RE: What is slut shaming?
Hey Julia Smile

I personally don't see an issue with number of sexual partners either way. I've had a fair number over the years myself. Anyone who can't handle that doesn't need to date me. I'll just date myself. Wait... that came out wrong Tongue

It's bullshit, is what slut-shaming is. Fuck the evolutionary reasons. People need to grow the fuck up and stop being idiots about it.

Good relationship is founded on trust and a few other random things but as long as you're not out banging everyone in sight behind the boyo's back I don't see a problem.

Also being single it's perfectly honourable IMO to have plenty sexual partners - if you're *not* in a relationship with them but you're both just gonna have sex and enjoy the moment, then it's not like you ever promised to be theirs alone. The only *possible* time when having many sexual partners is a problem is if you are doing it behind your partner's back. Who knows, they might be perfectly fine with a relationship like that.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes morondog's post
07-03-2015, 08:06 AM
RE: What is slut shaming?
(06-03-2015 07:16 PM)Blackout Wrote:  Slut shaming is criticizing someone, usually a woman, for being a slut, which in turn means being sexually promiscuous, overly active or dressing provocatively. It's a double standard. It dehumanizes woman because prudes are "better" and "smarter".

Girls slut shame other girls because they are taught by society (and religion) that being "promiscuous" is a sin or wrong, and therefore they see other women as being worse than them

I do so admire the members here who will read the whole thread before replying.

Hughsie? Is that you?

Drinking Beverage

(07-03-2015 02:49 AM)k37713 Wrote:  :came back:

Nice to see you again. What made you want to drop by to visit us sluts?

Hug

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes DLJ's post
07-03-2015, 08:58 AM (This post was last modified: 07-03-2015 09:26 AM by Hafnof.)
RE: What is slut shaming?
Julia,

I tend to think this thread should be moved to the Personal Issues and Support section of this board given where the subject has turned to. I'll take you on face value on what you have told us about yourself, but assuming it is all true I wonder if this is the most productive forum to have this discussion. The members here have done their best I think to express their views in a way that is sympathetic and supportive but most of us are not medical professionals and taking sex advice from a bunch of software engineers and the like is not always a recipe for success.

With that out of the way I would urge you to send some time getting to know yourself and getting to love yourself again. In a sense you are the person who did things that you seem now to regret, but you are also a new person with their whole life ahead of you. I think the sexual nature of the regret you express may be causing you to think about your regrets in a way that may not be productive.

Let me put it to you this way:
- You have stated that you have feelings of regret with regards to past actions
- You need to come to terms in yourself whether you see those actions as appropriate going forwards. You need to decide your future path
- No matter how you decide your future you must also come to terms with your past self. If you disagree with the actions of your past self you still must come to terms with them. You cannot erase them. You must find a way to live your life where past actions do not dominate your future.

Let me suggest an exercise in self-love. Stop thinking about your past actions as your actions. Instead, invent for yourself a younger sister. She is younger than you, and not so wise. She has made decisions that you yourself disagree with.

You've spent your whole life with this sister. Do you still love her even after all she has done? If you can love a sister who has done what you have done, then give that same love to yourself. If you can forgive a sister who has done what you have done, then give that same forgiveness to yourself. Future relationships where the subject comes up and surprises your partner or potential partner may still encounter some headwinds but allow that to be a separate question to whether or not you love yourself.

Some religions famously teach us to hate ourselves for actions we have taken in the past. When we regret an action we are taught to give it to a god to be forgiven, or that the god will judge us for it. We are taught the god will punish us. The sword of Damocles is above our neck. We can't breath for fear of what will happen. We should be ashamed of what we did and we should repent to the lord most high. We are pigs and scum and worthless human trash and the only way to be wiped clean is to be forgiven by God.

That's a load of top class bullshit. It is ourselves we must reconcile with. It is ourselves and those we have wronged. It is our own forgiveness that is needed to heal our hearts and wipe our slates clean. It is your forgiveness of yourself that will relieve you of feelings of regret.

Hafnof

Give me your argument in the form of a published paper, and then we can start to talk.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 5 users Like Hafnof's post
07-03-2015, 09:12 AM
RE: What is slut shaming?
(07-03-2015 08:58 AM)Hafnof Wrote:  taking sex advice from a bunch of software engineers and the like is not always a recipe for success.

Laugh out load Ain't that the truth Big Grin

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
07-03-2015, 09:21 AM
RE: What is slut shaming?
(07-03-2015 08:58 AM)Hafnof Wrote:  ...
taking sex advice from a bunch of software engineers and the like is not always a recipe for success.
...

You proved yourself wrong in that self same post.

If that is typical of the quality of advice one gets from software/systems engineers, I'm never going to a therapist again!

Bravo!

Bowing

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like DLJ's post
Post Reply
Forum Jump: