When I pray to Jesus
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23-06-2016, 02:50 AM
When I pray to Jesus
Just wondering how the setup must be in order to receive the optimal 5 striped signalpower from Jesus so he can hear my prayer.

Should I bend over the bed with my elbows resting on it?

Should I use 'in the name of Jesus' before saying 'amen'?

Must I say 'amen' to make him acknowledge my prayer?

Should I go down on my knees so he can unload his salvation all over me?

Or is it as easy as just telling Jesus what I want without any setup or structure?
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23-06-2016, 03:22 AM
RE: When I pray to Jesus
(23-06-2016 02:50 AM)Typho2k Wrote:  Just wondering how the setup must be in order to receive the optimal 5 striped signalpower from Jesus so he can hear my prayer.

Should I bend over the bed with my elbows resting on it?

Should I use 'in the name of Jesus' before saying 'amen'?

Must I say 'amen' to make him acknowledge my prayer?

Should I go down on my knees so he can unload his salvation all over me?

Or is it as easy as just telling Jesus what I want without any setup or structure?

You need the new fiber optic package, you can save money by bundling it with Cable and Telephone.

"If you keep trying to better yourself that's enough for me. We don't decide which hand we are dealt in life, but we make the decision to play it or fold it" - Nishi Karano Kaze
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23-06-2016, 03:42 AM
RE: When I pray to Jesus
You need to focus really intently on what you are saying. The more neurons you use the more electrochemicalstatic energy gets transmitted. Make sure not to wear a tin foil hat or pray inside because that will be obscure the signal. Mountain tops are ideal.

No one knows where God resides, it could be many light seconds away in space. Or even light days or more. But your message will be received and placed in a queue where it will be processed as soon as God has available processing power.
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23-06-2016, 05:25 AM
RE: When I pray to Jesus
Make sure you have a chrome Jesus fish on your car so that your prayers will be sent properly whilst driving. Pro-tip, chrome wine bottle emblems channel prayers better (water into wine trumps fish because reasons)
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23-06-2016, 05:28 AM
RE: When I pray to Jesus
(23-06-2016 02:50 AM)Typho2k Wrote:  Just wondering how the setup must be in order to receive the optimal 5 striped signalpower from Jesus so he can hear my prayer.

Should I bend over the bed with my elbows resting on it?

Should I use 'in the name of Jesus' before saying 'amen'?

Must I say 'amen' to make him acknowledge my prayer?

Should I go down on my knees so he can unload his salvation all over me?

Or is it as easy as just telling Jesus what I want without any setup or structure?

You're supposed to tell god what you want then finish the prayer with "in Jesus' name".

I could never figure out why god would do stuff because I invoked the lawn guy's name though. Consider

Gods derive their power from post-hoc rationalizations. -The Inquisition

Using the supernatural to explain events in your life is a failure of the intellect to comprehend the world around you. -The Inquisition
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23-06-2016, 06:19 AM
RE: When I pray to Jesus
Only do prayers at fast food restaurants, bars, donut shops, cafes, and regular restaurants. Your order (prayer) is usually answered fairly fast.

In Mexican restaurants, Jesus will actually cook your prayer.
In bars, you can return the water they gave you and have it replaced with wine.
You can also order your steak to be crucified (very rare and bloody) just like the body of christ.

Other prayers at your local sports stadium must be shouted.
"Oh for fucks sake."
"Are you blind ? How did you not see that ?"
"Come on. I got money riding on this game."
"Idiots, every last one of ya."

In my experience, the only prayer that works is..
"Ya I'll have a beer."

The key to all this prayer is knowing when and where to do it.

Insanity - doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
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23-06-2016, 06:26 AM
RE: When I pray to Jesus
Leave out a plate of cookies and a glass of milk along with a list of your demands before you go to bed. Big Grin
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23-06-2016, 07:03 AM
RE: When I pray to Jesus
It is worthwhile bearing in mind that the average brain runs on about 12 watts of energy. Most of these neurons won't even be used for generating the prayer but useless stuff like homoeostasis. The actual wattage used will be far less. Which is why most prayers aren't received. If you want to increase the chances of your prayers being received by God then we need some electrical means of scanning the state of the brain and then broadcasting it using something like the Arecibo radio telescope.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/articl...-calories/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arecibo_message
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23-06-2016, 07:33 AM
RE: When I pray to Jesus
The Catholics will tell you that the hand-jive thing is necessary, touching your shoulders, heart, and forehead activates and aligns the power crystals.
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23-06-2016, 09:14 AM
RE: When I pray to Jesus
(23-06-2016 02:50 AM)Typho2k Wrote:  Just wondering how the setup must be in order to receive the optimal 5 striped signalpower from Jesus so he can hear my prayer.

He always hears your prayers (or so I've been told); it's just that a lot of the time, the answer is "no". Particularly if the request is one that would make it super obvious that the prayer "worked". Also, even though every prayer is heard, they are all answered in such a way that we can't really tell if anything is happening.

Prayers that almost always get a "no" answer:
  • Asking for the power of flight.
  • Asking for God to show himself.
  • Asking for cancer or a major sickness to be cured without any medical treatment.
  • Asking to win the lottery.

Prayers that might get a "yes" answer, but you don't know how often:
  • Asking for courage, comfort, peace, or some other vague, not-special thing that you totally get, anyway.
  • Asking God to "give you a sign" which could include a vague feeling, a vague dream, or maybe hearing some key word mentioned in a random conversation over the next 48 hours.
  • Asking for cancer or a major sickness to be cured while getting the best available medical treatment.
  • Asking for a job while actively seeking employment with good references and job experience (although this likely violates at least one person's free will, but that's a different can of worms).
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