When I pray to Jesus
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
23-06-2016, 09:23 AM
RE: When I pray to Jesus
(23-06-2016 02:50 AM)Typho2k Wrote:  Just wondering how the setup must be in order to receive the optimal 5 striped signalpower from Jesus so he can hear my prayer.

Should I bend over the bed with my elbows resting on it?

Should I use 'in the name of Jesus' before saying 'amen'?

Must I say 'amen' to make him acknowledge my prayer?

Should I go down on my knees so he can unload his salvation all over me?

Or is it as easy as just telling Jesus what I want without any setup or structure?

Heh Heh, well it's kind'a like getting a good single away from the Interstate with AT&T, you've gotta lean at a 90 degree angle, preferable North-North East. At least if you're praying from the Pacific Coast anyway.

In all seriousness, Prayer just doesn't make much sense.

When i was a Xtian, i quickly learned that God and Christ are supposed to be able to hear you all the time, how else would they know if you're thinking about that Woman's Tits or that Dude's dick. Things that are VERY important, you know.

As a result, you're capable of having just, general conversations with God/Christ.

Don't be surprised however if you're medically sedated and institutionalized though - for some reason, the rational community says that qualifies for schizophrenia and general insanity.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
23-06-2016, 09:27 AM
RE: When I pray to Jesus
When I was Catholic I did just what MR. B did. During chuch it would be a combination of sitting, kneeling and standing.

On a rare occasion we would be asked to raise our hands. But it was usally for singing, or to hold our hands clasped together and straight up. As explained for by my mother so the the angels can sit on my fingers. (I used to think that would be very uncomfortable.)

Don't Live each day like it's your last. Live each day like you have 541 days after that one where every choice you make will have lasting implications to you and the world around you. ~ Tim Minchin
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
23-06-2016, 11:19 AM
RE: When I pray to Jesus
A certain young lady of my acquaintance.............and this was a long time ago now...........seemed to think that exalting god while lying on her back and being pleasured by yours truly was the way to do it.

I'm not sure that's compulsory though.............Wink

The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike
Excreta Tauri Sapientam Fulgeat (The excrement of the bull causes wisdom to flee)
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
23-06-2016, 11:29 AM
RE: When I pray to Jesus
First you must find the secret name of god, then you must go to the center of the forest and find the clearing with a stump in the exact center. Then on the stump you must sing out the secret name of god and give him your demands.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
23-06-2016, 12:21 PM
RE: When I pray to Jesus
Well according to the Bible you should pray quietly in your closet and the more unique and imaginative you are the better, definitely don't repeat the same prayer over and over again, keep it loose and improvise:

Matthew 6:5-15 Bible
5 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. 6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly. 7 But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.8 Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.

So once you're in the closet call Jesus any nickname you think of on the spot like "Hey scumbag!" That should get his attention and then say "So I don't want to ask for a new house or car since you hear that all the time...umm...ok how about a new TV...yeah a flat screen 4K that's at least 50 inches...no wait 60 inches! I promise to be good and stuff...or whatever since I don't know what you think is good behavior, I mean I don't want to enslave anyone but I'll try not to kill anyone or lie or nothing...deal?"

Yeah that should work just fine. Thumbsup

[Image: sagansig_zps6vhbql6m.jpg]
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
23-06-2016, 12:22 PM
RE: When I pray to Jesus
(23-06-2016 11:29 AM)natachan Wrote:  First you must find the secret name of god, then you must go to the center of the forest and find the clearing with a stump in the exact center. Then on the stump you must sing out the secret name of god and give him your demands.

I would think once you get to the clearing in the forest you could also strip naked and dance around the stump? But that might accidentally call Satan but whatever, he's got magic powers too right? So he'll answer prayers just the same.

[Image: sagansig_zps6vhbql6m.jpg]
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
23-06-2016, 12:47 PM (This post was last modified: 23-06-2016 01:17 PM by Bucky Ball.)
RE: When I pray to Jesus
When I pray to Jesus, I get a little tingly.

Insufferable know-it-all.Einstein God has a plan for us. Please stop screwing it up with your prayers.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
23-06-2016, 01:20 PM
RE: When I pray to Jesus
Yeshua spoke Aramaic (well, if he existed), So if your speaking English, he ain't gonna understand you. If you call out for Jesus, he be like

"Who the fuck is Jesus, I am the one true god my name is YHWH or you can call me Yeshua, 'cause we is one and da same even though we have different names and stuff, it's a trilogy you know. I'll smite you for praying to the Jesus false god. Hmm already done she bears, already done pillar of salt. Done all that shit in the Saw movies, done the Final Destination stuff, done all the Elmstreet stuff, damn so many people, I've run out of ideas on smiting them"
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
23-06-2016, 03:55 PM
RE: When I pray to Jesus
To get the best signal you need to start by sticking your head up your arse.

---
Flesh and blood of a dead star, slain in the apocalypse of supernova, resurrected by four billion years of continuous autocatalytic reaction and crowned with the emergent property of sentience in the dream that the universe might one day understand itself.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
23-06-2016, 04:03 PM
RE: When I pray to Jesus
Quote:Should I bend over the bed with my elbows resting on it?


The archbishop will want you to bend over in front of him.

Atheism is NOT a Religion. It's A Personal Relationship With Reality!
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply
Forum Jump: