When does dating criteria get to specific?
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14-10-2012, 06:44 PM
When does dating criteria get to specific?
(14-10-2012 06:05 PM)DLJ Wrote:  
(14-10-2012 03:03 PM)Erxomai Wrote:  Interesting word choice. Consider

Just trying to make life easy for the punch-line king.

I appreciate that when I'm feeling otherwise impaired.

It was just a fucking apple man, we're sorry okay? Please stop the madness Laugh out load
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14-10-2012, 08:22 PM
RE: When does dating criteria get to specific?
Quote:I don't totally lack empathy, I don't think. (Sometimes I think I have more than other people, like I don't like it when people make fun of others for their looks or their weight). I avoid emotional situations (like if my mom is yelling at me, I just stare blankly and ask her to calm down,because I don't do screaming matches,ever). The reason I don't fit into asexual forums is because many (not all!) are very prudish and very anti-sex, and I'm not, and that's the main reason. I do get on well with aromantics though.

Lack of empathy is a sign of NPD not SPD.

Quote:Romantic love. I know that's what you were saying anyway, but I still feel the need to disagree with the statement until you add the word "romantic" to it, i.e., the type of love experienced in a couple of people who are "in love." I mean, I love my mom, I love my dogs, I love my friends, but I'm not "in love" with any of them.

Yeah this is where it's a haze. I think I thought this way for a long time but I have come to accept that it's not love but rather valuation. You or I or someone else with SPD may classify it as 'love' because that is what we have been brought up with. I've been brought up in a society that tells you to love your parents. Because I highly value my parents over say some hoe at school, I can perceive this as love.
But since moving out I have come to accept that it's not love, it's just valuation. Like I value my computer because it gives me entertainment, I value my motorbike because it gives me entertainment and freedom etc... I feel the same towards my motorbike as I do my mother but I value my mother more for the sense that she at the moment is my ATM and the fact she raised me. Think of it like money, my mother is a $500 note, my motorbike is $100 note. I feel the same towards these notes, they're just pieces of plastic after all, but I value one over the other. But then there could be say my computer which would be a $50, I'd value my bike over my computer. etc...
This is what I mean when SPD don't feel love in the sense that everyone else does. We may think we do, but that is only because of the way and society we have been brought up in.

Quote:Same, I think SPD is rather rare. It's also more common in males, I think.

2% of the population has some form of personality disorder (and there's about 10 of them). 70-80% of that is female. A higher proportion of male to female might be SPD though I dunno.

Quote:When I was 16, a shrink told me to read a book on BPD, and I most certainly did not and do not have that (16 is too young to diagnose personality disorders, anyway, I think they're supposed to wait until the 20s, even if it's pretty obvious).

Yea 16 is way to young, PD's start to become clear or even develop in adolescence, 18+.

Quote:Until a few years ago, my parents were still going on about how awful it is of me for not "giving them any grandchildren" and I think my mom still feels embarrassed at me for not being "normal" with a husband and 2.5 kids.

Oh yes, lucky for me my sister is well on her way to giving my parents the much wanted grandchildren. I made it pretty clear from the start that they weren't getting any from me so they've dropped the subject. Though my Dad being a Dad is constantly nagging "so you got a girlfriend yet" which is rather annoying, specially when he's got all his mates around and they're all on the piss (beer).

Quote:My last boyfriend deserves much credit for putting up with me, probably. I'm not affectionate and he practically had to beg me to say "I love you." I was with him 5 years, and I basically felt the same way about him as I did about my female best friends, or even my parents, only difference is I had sex with him sometimes. So yeah, even though I liked him I never really got the whole deeply emotional "in love" thing.

You were probably just trying to fit in. All your friends had boyfriends or husbands so you wanted one to get them off your back, appear normal etc... It's only natural I suppose. People without SPD just don't understand SPD. They just see that person as "shy", they can't comprehend not wanting to have a husband or not wanting to be sociable etc.. which in lays the problem when the SPD does socialize.

Quote:When I was 14, my female friends thought it was a horrid thing that I was a virgin, and took it upon themselves to help me get laid. They thought I was shy or awkward, but I truly wasn't very interested, except in a scientific sense (if so many people think sex is so great, maybe I should give it a go, I thought). I did end up having sex with a guy from school, then I never talked to him again. but anyway, I think my friends thought I was just too shy to get a boyfriend, and that I really wanted one, and they were trying to "help." Eventually they learned it was just disinterest in all of it.

yeah you basically said what I just said (commenting as I read your post rather then reading then commenting). People mistake you for being 'shy' and 'awkward'. There are people who are just straight up shy and awkward, but like you say the SPD is just not interested.

Quote:Interesting word choice. Consider

Lol.

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14-10-2012, 08:25 PM
RE: When does dating criteria get to specific?
I am married but the last time I was single my criteria were...

Must have a vagina.
Must be open-minded.
Must have a vagina.
Must be willing to date me (Negotiable)

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14-10-2012, 08:42 PM
RE: When does dating criteria get to specific?
Quote:Lack of empathy is a sign of NPD not SPD.
Ah, ok. Makes sense now.

Quote:Yeah this is where it's a haze. I think I thought this way for a long time but I have come to accept that it's not love but rather valuation. You or I or someone else with SPD may classify it as 'love' because that is what we have been brought up with. I've been brought up in a society that tells you to love your parents. Because I highly value my parents over say some hoe at school, I can perceive this as love.
I see what you mean now, yes.

As for prevalence, the wikipedia page (which is pretty decent on SPD) says:
SPD is uncommon in clinical settings. It occurs slightly more
Quote:commonly in males.[54]

SPD is rare compared with other personality disorders. Its prevalence is estimated at less than 1% of the general population.

Quote:They just see that person as "shy", they can't comprehend not wanting to have a husband or not wanting to be sociable etc.. which in lays the problem when the SPD does socialize.
Yes. People tend to be unable to understand that not everyone thinks like they do, or wants the same things. If being in love is the most important thing in their life, they assume I value it as much, which isn't true. They think I must be miserable. My mom bases her whole life on social things, gossiping, etc. and constantly tries to insult me by saying "you have no friends." I do have a few, but seriously, I don't want any more. Too much human contact grates on my nerves. I only recently bought a cellphone, and I only use it to make doctor appts and order pizza, not talk to friends.

Quote:You were probably just trying to fit in. All your friends had boyfriends or husbands so you wanted one to get them off your back, appear normal etc... It's only natural I suppose.
I don't think I did, I think I was genuinely confused as to what it meant to feel attraction. I figured, dude is fairly good looking, we have common interests and enjoy hanging out. So when he asked me out, I said "yes," thinking what I felt was actually attraction, or that these feelings would develop over the course of the relationship. They did not. I valued him, as you say, but I wasn't in love with him. This was when I was 15, broke up with him when I was 20. Basically I thought, I have this male friend and he wants me to be his girlfriend, so maybe he's right, maybe I should be. I'd never known anyone to not be interested in relationships, so I just considered myself a reluctant heterosexual, sort of more apathetic than my friends.

I think I was curious about relationships because everyone said it was the greatest thing ever and didn't talk about anything else, so I figured it was something I should try. Whole thing felt like a farce to me, though, and I eventually gave up. I talked to him on Facebook recently, he's married with 2 kids now. Then his wife found out he talked to me and called me all sorts of names, thinking I was trying to get him back...

Pisses me off when people say I'm shy. My mom tells her cousins I'm "socially backward," which is a fucking horrible lie. I do all right in social situations, I just choose not to participate most of the time. Not because I can't, not because of anxiety or social awkwardness, but because I genuinely don't give a shit and feel no need for it. I usually feel like time spent socializing is time wasted.

On that note, I can hardly fathom what it'd be like to cohabit with a partner. I would feel suffocated.

[/rambling]
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