When your spouse finds out...
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04-04-2017, 02:50 PM
When your spouse finds out...
I'm going to give you some tips on how to get through this when I have time later. It can be done.
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04-04-2017, 03:33 PM
RE: When your spouse finds out...
I am so sorry to hear how things have ended up Sad

If she literally can't handle you not being part of her religion, then she has chosen it over you. That would be sad indeed, so I hope things don't go that far.

I agree with Thump that a truce is a good idea, where neither of you bring the subject up day to day unless it's absolutely necessary.

I assume she is indoctrinating the children. That's going to be really hard to stop, but you have a right to have some say in their upbringing at least.

I have a website here which discusses the issues and terminology surrounding religion and atheism. It's hopefully user friendly to all.
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04-04-2017, 05:34 PM
RE: When your spouse finds out...
If she prefers her imaginary friend to you there isn't much you can do about it. Religion is great for emotional blackmail and only you can determine if you will let her get away with it.

Atheism is NOT a Religion. It's A Personal Relationship With Reality!
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04-04-2017, 05:44 PM
RE: When your spouse finds out...
Eish. This is tough. Been there.

If you love her, fight for your marriage. Don't give up, keep showing her how much you love her, live your vows.

I came out to my now ex husband. Things went downhill pretty quickly. I asked for the divorce 6 months later when I realized my life would be better off without him and a chance at happiness (what I didn't know when I asked is that he wanted me to ask for the divorce and deliberately pushed me away, and had already met another woman).

Being a single mom is so much harder than I thought it would be, in some ways easier than I thought it would be, and my life while tough is so much better than it was before. Learning how strong you can be and what you are capable of handling is a really tough lesson. Dating - now that sucks balls. It is soooooo much more difficult than I thought it would be. I always heard people talk about how difficult it is to get back into the dating game and thought it was completely ridiculous. How hard can it be? Ugh. Brutal. It's completely fucking brutal. So many stupid fucking rules - like double texting. I've learned terms like ghosting and fade out and bread crumbing...

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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04-04-2017, 07:20 PM
When your spouse finds out...
(03-04-2017 08:22 AM)melliott79 Wrote:  I'll make this short. I've been an atheist for a little less than a year. Previously, I was rather devout in both charismatic and catholic churches (my wife is a cradle catholic). However, I have made the same realization most of you have about religion, and have abandoned those beliefs in favor of reason, free thought, and science.

However, my wife didn't take that de-conversion so well. In fact, when she found out, she mentioned that she would have rather learned that I was having an affair than to discover my unbelief. It nearly cost us our marriage last summer. Since then, I rarely talk about atheism (unless she brings it up), and for now, I have agreed not to talk about it with our kids, as they are very young anyways.

Today is our 13th anniversary, and I mentioned on social media that I was an atheist, which caused her to say that it cut her deeply that I was still a nonbeliever, and that she saw the post on our anniversary.

I am so lost here. It seems like the divorce conversation is heading my way again, and it is not something I'm enthusiastic about. But I just can't keep living in the "closet" just to keep my family intact. I feel like a complete and utter outsider in my own home. I work 50-60 hours a week as the sole provider, while my wife stays home with our four kids and homeschools them. So, they are already much more close to her than they are with me, despite my efforts.

So it comes down to this: what kind of pain do I want? The loss of my family, or the loss of myself?


I am an atheist like you and was a theist like you were. Everyone in my family is a theist and all my friends that are local to me are theists.

When I decided that I no longer believed, I was very challenging to everyone about their beliefs and always was asked if I was an atheist. I admitted to several people that I am an atheist and every time I got a horrible reaction from the person that I told it to.

It didn't take long to figure out that I was outnumbered and wasn't going to win this war. I easily won battles but the war is another thing. I asked myself why I even wanted to fight this.

I am an atheist but it does not identify me as who I am. I don't have to prove that my lack of belief is the right way to be. I'm not spreading the atheist gospel. I will discuss it with someone that want to listen though. Basically, it's a nonissue to me now. I am me because of everything that is me. Not believing a fairytale doesn't make me who I am.

I am just as comfortable around someone that believes in Jesus as I am with someone that believes in Santa Claus. I don't particularly like Christmas music and the decorations but it's not a big deal as I just tune it out or sing along. I don't believe in Santa but I can sing here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus lane, just fine. Sometimes I sing church songs. If you listen closely you will pick up a tone of sarcasm though.

If you want to maintain your life you need to be a ninja and blend in. If you are confronted, it is really easy to poke holes in the Bible and just say that it doesn't make sense to you or that you just aren't sure. You won't be cast out for that.

I didn't have a choice but to blend in as I'm in the heart of the Bible Belt. The only atheist I knew moved away several years ago. When its time to pray while in a group, I slightly bow my head but not much. I either don't say amen or I say it louder than anyone else, depends on my mood.

Being an Atheist isn't really a thing. It's a non-thing. Just laugh and roll with things. If I had my way everyone would be an atheist but in real life it really doesn't make a shit to me what someone else believes.

I hope this helps but if it doesn't, I hope you find something that will.
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05-04-2017, 02:55 AM
RE: When your spouse finds out...
(04-04-2017 07:20 PM)KUSA Wrote:  Being an Atheist isn't really a thing. It's a non-thing. Just laugh and roll with things. If I had my way everyone would be an atheist but in real life it really doesn't make a shit to me what someone else believes.

I hope this helps but if it doesn't, I hope you find something that will.
I can't really stress this part enough to new non-believers. Sometimes, I find, some communities just become "all about" the religion, it being the only reason they see each other in some cases. And when a person changes their mind, to not want to be part of this mass "oh praise the lord" group, obviously the group has it's own mindset and even the Atheist can think they are missing something or now need to become "all about" the atheism to replace the missing religion.

As time goes on, you'll just find that being an atheist means pretty much nothing. It doesn't get you anything, you don't have to attend a church or anything like that, it's such a non-thing that you wonder why people make a big deal out of it.

You are who you are, as a person, and that will never change. If somebody has to pick between their deity and a real physical person standing in front of them, and they choose the former, you're better off without them.

"I don't do magic, Morty, I do science. One takes brains, the other takes dark eye liner" - Rick
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05-04-2017, 08:09 AM
RE: When your spouse finds out...
I know this is not helpful (sorry) but the other guys have already said what I was thinking about your scenario.

You need to ask your wife consider this quote from Stephen F Roberts:

"I contend we are both atheists, I just believe in one less god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours".

I'm a creationist... I believe that man created God.
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05-04-2017, 10:07 AM
RE: When your spouse finds out...
(04-04-2017 05:44 PM)Nurse Wrote:  Eish. This is tough. Been there.

If you love her, fight for your marriage. Don't give up, keep showing her how much you love her, live your vows.

I came out to my now ex husband. Things went downhill pretty quickly. I asked for the divorce 6 months later when I realized my life would be better off without him and a chance at happiness (what I didn't know when I asked is that he wanted me to ask for the divorce and deliberately pushed me away, and had already met another woman).

Being a single mom is so much harder than I thought it would be, in some ways easier than I thought it would be, and my life while tough is so much better than it was before. Learning how strong you can be and what you are capable of handling is a really tough lesson. Dating - now that sucks balls. It is soooooo much more difficult than I thought it would be. I always heard people talk about how difficult it is to get back into the dating game and thought it was completely ridiculous. How hard can it be? Ugh. Brutal. It's completely fucking brutal. So many stupid fucking rules - like double texting. I've learned terms like ghosting and fade out and bread crumbing...

LOL I'm not the only one that says this?

I know exactly what you mean. It's been 10 years since my divorce and I'm still single. I cant stand dating but I still do it anyway because, well I don't want to be alone. Also I want to have a child one day. I wonder if it's really worth all the confusion and pain eh? hehe

I hope you find happy, and no longer need to deal with the dating games ever again.

DLJ Wrote:And, yes, the principle of freedom of expression works both ways... if someone starts shit, better shit is the best counter-argument.
Big Grin
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13-04-2017, 08:11 AM
RE: When your spouse finds out...
I'm sorry you're going through a rough time.

I was an "undercover" atheist for many years and my husband almost seemed relieved when he finally asked me outright if I believed and I was honest about it. He felt I was holding our kids back from reaching their spiritual potential, and now with me out of the way at church, he can try to indoctrinate them how he sees fit.

It still has a difficult effect on our marriage, though, and I don't know if things will work out in the long term or not. It's a very difficult situation to be in.

Best wishes to you.
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13-04-2017, 08:41 AM
RE: When your spouse finds out...
If she would rather you were having an affair, rather than you being an atheist, might I suggest getting a girlfriend on Christian Mingle.Com???


Wink


(Sometimes a laugh helps.....)

.......................................

The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
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