Who I Have Become
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01-05-2013, 09:19 AM
Who I Have Become
I have something to say. I have had something to say for some time now, but I didn't know how to say it to make it make some sense to anyone who hasn't walked in my shoes. I am full to bursting with what I want to say, and I just have to try, even if no one gets it but me.

I just can't tell you how much becoming an Atheist has meant to me. I can't make anyone understand. I am only a few months into my unbelief, and the freedom and self awareness I feel is like nothing I have ever experienced before. I am comfortable in a skin I did not know I had. I have become, who I was meant to become all along.

I am 20 years old, and I was raised a Mormon. Yeah I know, batshit crazy. What can you do though?

So I guess I just want to tell somebody what has happened to my life. I want to tell somebody who I have become. My family doesn't want to hear it, as you can imagine, and living in Utah, the heartland of Mormonism, there aren't a lot of eager listeners.

I was once full of fears and doubts about life and death. I was always afraid that I wouldn't measure up to the system I was supposed to be living. I always felt inadequate and unable to follow the rules. Wanting to be the perfect Mormon, didn't make me less of a rebel at heart. Where I once feared to love, and have sex, I am now able to experience so much more of the good things in life. Where I once had to turn to my leaders to answer the simplest questions about life, I now think for myself. Where I once feared the world, and all the filth I thought was in it, I now embrace it and see it for what it really is. Where once I was unhealthy and lazy, thinking it didn't matter how I looked or felt, I am now active and healthy. I am always excited to live my life, to get up and go to the gym. I don't have to wait until I am married, for the good life to begin. What a revelation that is to a Mormon!

Where once I was fearful and doubting of myself, now I am strong and confident in myself. I have so much knowledge concerning those things I once took on faith, that I am never afraid to talk or argue. I always know, I have done my homework, and drawn the conclusions that make the most sense. I have been honest with myself, instead of lying to appease men in dark suits, issuing orders about my personal life. Where I was once mediocre and unwilling to work hard, now I get out of bed in the morning with purpose and a spirit of competition. You might come from privilege, you might have a lot of faith, you might be talented from birth, but you will never out work me. I have something to prove, something to do. I want my life, this world, to be better because I was here. I want to leave a mark, not fade into the background of so many sheep, being led stupidly along by a questionable shepherd. I can't quit. I can't stop. I have becoming infected with drive.

Where I was once dependent on parents who cared more about the church than they loved me, I am now on my own, with a good job, making my way through school.

Sometimes it scares me how much more I care about my life, and my world, knowing that it will end someday. I just want to milk it of all its goodness and opportunity, and I just can't do it fast enough. It only seems to get better, and harder, and more rewarding. I could go on like this until the day I die. Oh what a day that will be, when it all ends, and I will be at peace. Nothingness doesn't bother me, since I won't be suffering. Living forever, even in a place like Heaven, would be Hell to me. Eternity has no business in my life.

My spirit has been unleashed, and it is as though it had been throbbing with energy all these years inside me, waiting for the day when I would change my life, and become my true self. Who I am, has been growing and throbbing away for too long. Now it is bursting out too quickly to control.

I stand for living a moral life, a life that promotes happiness and pleasure, while relieving suffering and pain.

I stand for being genuine, saying what I mean, and always meaning what I say.

I stand for being rational, for looking at the evidence, and making an excellent, well informed decision.

I stand for love of human beings, most especially family, even if they don't understand me.

I stand for truth, and a good bloody battle to preserve and protect it the world over. I will step into the ring, and win, for truth. I will take my last breath knowing that I made the only decision that makes any sense. I will know my life was worth something.

I stand for my dreams, knowing that I can create what I want in my life. If I commit myself fully to any cause, I will win. I will succeed.

It all seems so simple. It isn't easy, but it is simple. Why was it so complicated before?

I love who I am, and I live having this community all around me. The internet, may it continue a long while yet, is so special to me, sense I can use it to meet all of you.

I know this must be some kind of "pink cloud" thing, but I feel good, so to hell with it. I will enjoy it while it lasts.

I hope others fell like I do today. I hope you all find your true selves, and know it. Your life will never be the same. You are not alone, since I am here.

Feel free to share your story with me. I don't know what I intended by this post. I just wanted to get it all off my chest, and give of myself to this community that has given so much to me.

Religion, rather than acting as a symbol of truth or justice, merely acts as a symbol of human gullibility and stupidity. Surely no race of beings with any real intelligence would concoct such drivel.
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01-05-2013, 12:18 PM (This post was last modified: 01-05-2013 08:34 PM by Full Circle.)
RE: Who I Have Become
(01-05-2013 09:19 AM)Prometheus762 Wrote:  I have something to say. I have had something to say for some time now, but I didn't know how to say it to make it make some sense to anyone who hasn't walked in my shoes. I am full to bursting with what I want to say, and I just have to try, even if no one gets it but me.

I just can't tell you how much becoming an Atheist has meant to me. I can't make anyone understand. I am only a few months into my unbelief, and the freedom and self awareness I feel is like nothing I have ever experienced before. I am comfortable in a skin I did not know I had. I have become, who I was meant to become all along.

I am 20 years old, and I was raised a Mormon. Yeah I know, batshit crazy. What can you do though?

So I guess I just want to tell somebody what has happened to my life. I want to tell somebody who I have become. My family doesn't want to hear it, as you can imagine, and living in Utah, the heartland of Mormonism, there aren't a lot of eager listeners.

I was once full of fears and doubts about life and death. I was always afraid that I wouldn't measure up to the system I was supposed to be living. I always felt inadequate and unable to follow the rules. Wanting to be the perfect Mormon, didn't make me less of a rebel at heart. Where I once feared to love, and have sex, I am now able to experience so much more of the good things in life. Where I once had to turn to my leaders to answer the simplest questions about life, I now think for myself. Where I once feared the world, and all the filth I thought was in it, I now embrace it and see it for what it really is. Where once I was unhealthy and lazy, thinking it didn't matter how I looked or felt, I am now active and healthy. I am always excited to live my life, to get up and go to the gym. I don't have to wait until I am married, for the good life to begin. What a revelation that is to a Mormon!

Where once I was fearful and doubting of myself, now I am strong and confident in myself. I have so much knowledge concerning those things I once took on faith, that I am never afraid to talk or argue. I always know, I have done my homework, and drawn the conclusions that make the most sense. I have been honest with myself, instead of lying to appease men in dark suits, issuing orders about my personal life. Where I was once mediocre and unwilling to work hard, now I get out of bed in the morning with purpose and a spirit of competition. You might come from privilege, you might have a lot of faith, you might be talented from birth, but you will never out work me. I have something to prove, something to do. I want my life, this world, to be better because I was here. I want to leave a mark, not fade into the background of so many sheep, being led stupidly along by a questionable shepherd. I can't quit. I can't stop. I have becoming infected with drive.

Where I was once dependent on parents who cared more about the church than they loved me, I am now on my own, with a good job, making my way through school.

Sometimes it scares me how much more I care about my life, and my world, knowing that it will end someday. I just want to milk it of all its goodness and opportunity, and I just can't do it fast enough. It only seems to get better, and harder, and more rewarding. I could go on like this until the day I die. Oh what a day that will be, when it all ends, and I will be at peace. Nothingness doesn't bother me, since I won't be suffering. Living forever, even in a place like Heaven, would be Hell to me. Eternity has no business in my life.

My spirit has been unleashed, and it is as though it had been throbbing with energy all these years inside me, waiting for the day when I would change my life, and become my true self. Who I am, has been growing and throbbing away for too long. Now it is bursting out too quickly to control.

I stand for living a moral life, a life that promotes happiness and pleasure, while relieving suffering and pain.

I stand for being genuine, saying what I mean, and always meaning what I say.

I stand for being rational, for looking at the evidence, and making an excellent, well informed decision.

I stand for love of human beings, most especially family, even if they don't understand me.

I stand for truth, and a good bloody battle to preserve and protect it the world over. I will step into the ring, and win, for truth. I will take my last breath knowing that I made the only decision that makes any sense. I will know my life was worth something.

I stand for my dreams, knowing that I can create what I want in my life. If I commit myself fully to any cause, I will win. I will succeed.

It all seems so simple. It isn't easy, but it is simple. Why was it so complicated before?

I love who I am, and I live having this community all around me. The internet, may it continue a long while yet, is so special to me, sense I can use it to meet all of you.

I know this must be some kind of "pink cloud" thing, but I feel good, so to hell with it. I will enjoy it while it lasts.

I hope others fell like I do today. I hope you all find your true selves, and know it. Your life will never be the same. You are not alone, since I am here.

Feel free to share your story with me. I don't know what I intended by this post. I just wanted to get it all off my chest, and give of myself to this community that has given so much to me.

Wow!
From here on out every victory will be sweeter, every failure a reason to persevere. Every success will be yours and yours alone. You will take full responsibility for your actions, you will love deeper, cry harder and value every breath you take. You will think critically and you will never take a day for granted the rest of your life.

Welcome to the world of the living.

Throughout history conversions happen at the point of a sword, deconversions at the point of a pen - FC

I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's. - Mark Twain in Eruption
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01-05-2013, 12:30 PM
RE: Who I Have Become
Welcome Smile

You're er... very inspiring...

Except I kinda TL; DR d it. I am a bad person...

Also, I kinda get bored sometimes... even though I only got one life and all those minutes of being bored are... life wasted. I'm kinda counting on hard working types like you to work extra hard and make big medicine so that I can extend my pointless existence for a few extra years Smile

I think it'd help if I was shagging someone hot... oh well... sometimes you gotta settle for ugly...

OK that was a joke. Nooooooooooooooo don't cut it off! Eeeek!

Bechased
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01-05-2013, 06:03 PM
RE: Who I Have Become
To have such clarity at 20 years old—especially after what you were taught to believe when you were a child—is remarkable. Cheers to you for figuring out what it's about and living for all it is worth!

,,,^..^,,,~
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01-05-2013, 08:25 PM
RE: Who I Have Become
Well done, sir. And well doing.

"It's a most distressing affliction to have a sentimental heart and a skeptical mind.”
― نجيب محفوظ, Sugar Street
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01-05-2013, 09:56 PM
RE: Who I Have Become
(01-05-2013 09:19 AM)Prometheus762 Wrote:  Sometimes it scares me how much more I care about my life, and my world, knowing that it will end someday. I just want to milk it of all its goodness and opportunity, and I just can't do it fast enough. It only seems to get better, and harder, and more rewarding. I could go on like this until the day I die.

Suck it brother, suck it dry, milk it for all it's got. Thumbsup

Breathing - it's more art than science.
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02-05-2013, 09:14 AM
RE: Who I Have Become
Nice! Glad you got out at a young age Thumbsup
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03-05-2013, 06:04 PM
RE: Who I Have Become
I like your post and I'm happy for you. I recently became an atheist and I feel a sense of liberation too. When I was your age, I became an agnostic while I was reading about various religions in the college library.
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04-05-2013, 01:24 AM
RE: Who I Have Become
You know, I hadn't thought too much about how young I am, but I guess getting all of this at 20 is a major accomplishment. I am so happy I have cleared this up at the beginning of my life, rather than living a failed system for years and years. I guess a lot of people do that, and only find out the truth later in life. Respect if that is your path, but I don't envy you those years. I am too selfish to give them up.

I have to say, it is really something special to see people's comments and know that others understand me. I spend every moment of every day around people who just don't get me, and that can take its toll over time. Thank you for your comments.

You know, when I consider what I have been through in my life, I don't really consider myself to be 20 at heart. I feel so much older. I guess the shit has hit the fan one too many times for me to feel young and naive about the world anymore. I have sacrificed so much already just to survive and discover who I am, I can't even imagine trying to deal with life emotionally without the thick armor, and weaponry I have at my disposal as a result of my life experience.

This might sound utterly crazy and incredibly stupid, but I considered suicide as a teenager many times. because I couldn't stop masturbating. Yeah, no kidding. I really did. Mormons teach that it is a sin comparable almost to murder. They use those exact words. They consider any "sexual deviance" to be practically the worst thing you can do outside of killing a fellow human being. It sounds so stupid now, as to be laughable, but to a child who doesn't know better, it was devastating. I grew up literally hating my body. I hated who I was physically. I hated my urges. I contemplated mutilating myself or chemically altering my body to destroy my sex drive. I thought about doing a lot of things that no child should ever even contemplate.

My inability to play by their rules concerning sex, and my subsequent depression, self hatred, and emotional agony, quickly sentenced me to years of humiliation and frustration at the hand of so called "mental health professionals" who claimed they could "cure" my sexual "deviance". Every triumph of a week, maybe two would bring me to the clouds with hope, thinking I had conquered my inner sinner, when yet again, I would succumb and drown in my own self hatred.

Dating was non-existent, though not for lack of trying. I was forbidden to date, under any circumstances, right up until my 17th birthday. I disobeyed this of course, but somehow I always got caught, and punished. It only took a short talk from my fundamentalist father to some poor girl's fearful father, to cock block my chances at love, or anything else worth having.

Sex wasn't my only problem though, not by far. It seemed no matter where I went, or who I was with, eventually I would end up being a victim. I wouldn't know it until years later, but I was a target because of my emotional weakness. My depression and self pity made me the perfect kid to bully. It seemed that every asshole who ever imagined himself beating the shit out of a fellow human being for kicks, were inexorably drawn to me, itching for a beat down. Being a Mormon didn't help either. It pretty much ruins your chances to party or to hang out with people who know how to party. People in Virginia didn't know what Mormons were all about, so they just kept their distance.

I had learned through experience with the sex stuff that telling my parents about a problem was a sure fire way to make everything worse, so I took it all. The bullying, the doctors, the lack of friendship and hope, the nights when I would lie awake, the questions, oh the questions, that no one could answer. I took it silently, not a fucking tear, never one anyone could see.

If god knows everything and has all power, why does he need Jesus at all? Why did god make me sexual, and then forbid me to do anything? Why do I never hear anything, or feel anything when I pray? Why do I keep lying and saying I do hear things? Why am I so afraid of what Dad will do if he finds out I am asking questions like this? Why does god never rescue me from those mean kids who yell at me and hit me on the playground? Why doesn't god protect me, and punish them for being so cruel?

Why do I feel so alone, when this system is supposed to protect me and give me a community of friends and family? Why are the people who are supposed to be loving me, ruining my life and hurting me?

The questions would never end. They only continued to build as I grew up.

As a teenager I soon learned that I did not have freedom. It was certain. This was a police state. No caffeine, only a suit should be worn on Sunday, no music other than church music is allowed, no dating, study the scriptures harder, read these sermons and learn why you are too fucked up to take the sacrament. It never ended. It wasn't long before I was eating and eating, gaining weight in an effort to feel better. I stopped caring how I looked. I just ate.

I used to walk out to the parkway and wait for the trucks to pass by, the big 18 wheelers. I thought to myself. "Maybe if I run fast enough, I can get crushed to death too quickly for the driver to react." I would stand there night after night, wondering if I had the balls to end it all, knowing that I didn't, and that I would just walk home crying and pathetic, too depressed even to die.

I remember that parkway so vividly today. How fucking ridiculous is it, that I contemplated death, over things that most people never even give a second thought to? Who kills themselves over things like that? Who could ever understand what it was really like, living in what was supposed to be a home, but was really a prison.

After what felt like a lifetime of blaming and torturing myself for the supposed "sins" and inadequacies that I felt were responsible for my sadness, I burst. At the age of 18 an argument broke out in my home, one so fierce and filled with emotion, that we came to blows. Soon I was arrested, detained, and shipped off to an "addiction recovery facility" where I was to be treated for my addictions to sex, food, games, and sleep.

My first day as an adult, saw me committed. What an awful start. I spent 6 months there. There was a lot about it that was awful and wrong, but looking back I learned a lot there. It was in the facility that I took my first few steps to leaving Mormonism, since they encouraged the discovery of my own faith, or lack thereof. I was free of one police state, but now in another. The only benefit being that the rules were less strict. I was free to cast aside my faith, and search for something else.

I suppose it is redundant, but being treated as a psych patient simply because I have a normal sex drive and a natural desire for freedom in my life, was so much worse than simple humiliation.

After doing my best to get out, I was graduated and off on my own. It has been 2 years now, and it all seems to unreal to me. I am on my own, free of it all, and finally I feel like myself.

This is all such a simplistic account. What I have experienced is so much more complicated than what I have written here. All I want to say is this, I have been through the worst that was available to me, and now nothing scares me much.

Who I have become is so normal, so refreshingly healthy, that all of this past bullshit has no power over me. I live a life of morality, reason, and happiness, based on my own idea of right and wrong.

I suppose the irony of all of this is that shoving religion down my throat by force (and up my ass repeatedly) was exactly what made me look outside my indoctrination to find something new, which was first nothing definite, and now Atheism.

I discovered Christopher Hitchens by chance on youtube one day, and within a month I was an Atheist. Hitchens did more for me after his own death, than my own parents ever did for me back in those hard times.

I dare this world to throw something harder at me, because frankly I have survived too much to give a shit. I know who I am, and I am defined by what I choose, not what I have experienced or suffered. Who I have become, is something evolving, and changing, always getting better.

I have given too much to do anything other than succeed. Goddamn it if I ever give up! I am literally unafraid to die in the name of living a free life.

Religion, rather than acting as a symbol of truth or justice, merely acts as a symbol of human gullibility and stupidity. Surely no race of beings with any real intelligence would concoct such drivel.
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04-05-2013, 02:41 AM
RE: Who I Have Become
Jesus dude. You had it rough. Kudos for making your own way Smile
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