Who's had Family Stop Talking to You?
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23-06-2017, 11:09 AM
RE: Who's had Family Stop Talking to You?
I'm not estranged or anything, but I tend to avoid talking too much with my family because they are all so religious that it's all they talk about. I'm in the closet to them and if I came out as atheist to them, I'm not sure how'd they respond. I don't think they'd cut me off, but I also think they'd want to talk about jebus every time I was there. I also hate talking on the phone so I never call them, I'll just text.

So with me it's more annoyance and feeling uncomfortable than anything really bad going on.
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23-06-2017, 05:11 PM
RE: Who's had Family Stop Talking to You?
(21-06-2017 02:32 PM)Emma Wrote:  Who among you have had family essentially want to stop talking to you for one reason or another? Could be any reason, not just related to atheism. Family feuding over something, atheism, LGBTQ stuff, disowned by parents, etc. etc.?

I'm wondering, for those comfortable with sharing, what your stories are. What caused that rift? Were you close before that issue occurred? Do you think it will ever get patched up? How does that impact your relationship with other family members?

Well... an uncle by marriage (husband of my mom's eldest sister), after being the very model of "avuncular" for most of my life, kinda went nuts when his wife died, and disowned the entire family. Didn't speak to anyone in the family for the rest of his life; shut himself up in his home, and when he died he left all his property to a Russian Orthodox church that he never set foot in.

But I don't think he ever even suspected that I was an atheist, so they can't hang that one on me. Tongue

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24-06-2017, 01:46 AM
RE: Who's had Family Stop Talking to You?
Actually for me it is the other way around. I stopped talking to people in my family. Actually most. At the moment I am only talking to two and that might not change.

* Stopped talking to my father because he is a dick. His children are not important to him although sometimes he pretends that they are. He has lashed out at my mom a few times when I was younger. After they split up, he never paid child support, not even a little, not even when we were hungry and struggling. Fuck him.

* Stopped talking to one of my brothers. He is lazy bum. He likes to always complain how bad he has it and will never ever listen to advice. His situation isn't grim If he'd be willing to fix his life, he could fix it within a month or two. But no, he has all the excuses why he cannot do aaaanything. Poor fucker, isn't he. Way too toxic for me.

* Stopped talking to my mom's parents. They have inflicted so much pain on her, I can't even begin to list the reasons they are horrible people. But yea, they are the most immoral, unethical, incensere (spelling) people I have ever known. Absolutely horrible.

* Stopped talking to my uncle as well because he is just as bad as his parents. He just hides it better.

* I don't know my family on my father's side so there is no contact.

So yea... I am talking to exactly two of my family members. My mom because I am very patient. And my other brother because we are keeping it on a small talk level.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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24-06-2017, 05:57 PM
RE: Who's had Family Stop Talking to You?
To those who've experienced this - I know your pain and wish you well. I wish I could write about mine, but it's too much.
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24-06-2017, 06:25 PM
RE: Who's had Family Stop Talking to You?
(24-06-2017 05:57 PM)Mary L. Mand Wrote:  To those who've experienced this - I know your pain and wish you well. I wish I could write about mine, but it's too much.

Hug

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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24-06-2017, 09:24 PM
RE: Who's had Family Stop Talking to You?
(24-06-2017 06:25 PM)Anjele Wrote:  
(24-06-2017 05:57 PM)Mary L. Mand Wrote:  To those who've experienced this - I know your pain and wish you well. I wish I could write about mine, but it's too much.

Hug

Thank you, Anjele.
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24-06-2017, 10:06 PM (This post was last modified: 24-06-2017 10:10 PM by RearViewMirror.)
RE: Who's had Family Stop Talking to You?
(21-06-2017 02:32 PM)Emma Wrote:  Who among you have had family essentially want to stop talking to you for one reason or another? Could be any reason, not just related to atheism. Family feuding over something, atheism, LGBTQ stuff, disowned by parents, etc. etc.?

I'm wondering, for those comfortable with sharing, what your stories are. What caused that rift? Were you close before that issue occurred? Do you think it will ever get patched up? How does that impact your relationship with other family members?

I suppose I've been pretty lucky with my family and true friends. I know this thread isn't exclusively tied to someone that quit talking to you because of your personal views but I'll throw out there that, that has never been an issue for me personally. My parents sure as hell don't like the idea that I don't believe but they still love me the same.

My parents were divorced when I was 15. My mother remarried a few years later to who I consider my actual father. He has always been a rock that I could lean on whenever I need someone to lean on. He is my Dad and always will be.

So with that said the only person that quit speaking to me was my biological father. I never knew why he essentially disowned me. The last time I had talked to him was on my 21st birthday. He asked if he could take me out to lunch and I told him that I already had plans with family at lunch but I'd be more than happy for dinner? He told me that he was planning on going to a nightclub with his friends that night so that wouldn't work for him. So I said maybe tomorrow then. I never heard from him after that.
23yrs, 5 months, and 15 days later he called me out of the blue. Now, I had tried throughout the years (unsuccessfully) to figure out where he lived and made attempts to get in touch with him. He called me and told me he had stage 4 lung cancer. My gut reaction was to tell him to fuck off. No birthday cards, no Christmas cards, no fucking nothing and then he just called out of the blue? But, I didn't do that and I'm glad I didn't. Looking back it would have made me feel good for about 10 mins but I think I would have regretted it for the rest of my life. I had so many questions that needed to be answered. So, long story short, we talked that day and then more and more as time went on. He answered my questions honestly. He ended up in Grass Valley California after he got out of the military. He even made a trip out here to visit me for a week. He died not long after that.
I realize that is a quick synopsis of what happened without much detail but he is the only person that comes to mind that actually left me and then came back into my life.

Regular friends come and go. I don't have any friends that I went to highschool with or college for that matter. But the person that was actually my biological father stands out.

I get to decide what my life looks like, not the other way around.
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25-06-2017, 04:50 AM (This post was last modified: 25-06-2017 04:58 AM by GenesisNemesis.)
RE: Who's had Family Stop Talking to You?
Haven't had them stop talking to me, but I've stopped talking to my father mostly unless he talks to me, due to his abusive incidents that happened a few years ago. There was a time when I completely wasn't talking to him but unfortunately my brother (the Christian) pressured me to forgive him. Boy was that annoying. I don't have a lot of sympathy for my father still. And for anyone who says "he's your father"... no, he wasn't much of one at all.

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25-06-2017, 05:50 AM
RE: Who's had Family Stop Talking to You?
I cut my older brother off long ago, he is a RWNJ but that was not the breaking point. Most of it was every time I saw him he had to emotionally suck the life out of me and pester me about how I was going to burn in hell. I tolerated that but that wasn't the breaking point.

It was a collection of events. I was adopted, and finally met my biological family as an adult in the mid 90s. They had not seen me or me them since 1970. But when I first met them as an adult went to visit them, he acted like a jealous brat when I got along better with my older sister.

Another time at a family reunion we went to a bar, played pool, and he was quiet when we started and had an intense look on his face. I asked him if anything was wrong, and he shouted so loud the entire bar looked at us, "YOU DONT THINK I AM JUST GOING TO LET YOU WIN"..... That scared the shit out of me.

But the breaking point was when I was looking for a home for my sick cat, and asked my aunt if they could take her because my adoptive mom was going to put her to sleep(looking back, that would have been the right thing), but I didn't want to let go.

Anyway my older brother overheard my question to our aunt, and said he didn't want me to do that because of our uncle's lung problems. Which would have been fine, but no, he didn't simply explain that to me in a calm manor, he threatened to beat the shit out of me. THAT was the breaking point.

Having been bullied and beaten up as a kid, and having had a abusive girlfriend nope, sorry, I don't put up with that.

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28-06-2017, 11:26 AM (This post was last modified: 28-06-2017 11:30 AM by mordant.)
RE: Who's had Family Stop Talking to You?
My wife has a very dysfunctional family of origin that is really like nothing I've ever seen. She has experience much that is similar to the sort of shaming ostracism that people exiting religion can get from their families, yet her family was not religious. The only "religion" in that family was slavish agreement with father's version of reality. The actual, biological father, not the heavenly, imaginary proxy father.

This is fed by two mutually reinforcing dynamics. The first is an emotionally unavailable / distant / immature father (her biological Mom died when my wife was young) who absolutely will not discuss or work anything out or take any personal responsibility and literally builds alternate realities / backstories about the past in order to avoid doing so, claiming you're delusional for not agreeing with his fantasy version of the past. This allows points of tension that would be minor issues in any other family to fester into major longstanding issues. The other factor in play is a step mother with borderline personality disorder who has ejected the father's biological children from the family in order to bring in her own brood from other marriages to enjoy the father as Mr. MoneyBags (he's relatively wealthy). She has also taken over his financial management and "owns" him such that, to the extent that he has any communication with my wife, it's surreptitious. If we were to travel to the left coast to see him, he'd likely do so, if it involved slipping out of the house on his own and meeting us at a restaurant, say. But he's obviously forbidden to see his own children other than covertly. So there's a controlling / imprisoning dynamic there too. He's a very weak man, but of course HIS story is that he has a great relationship with this Evil Stepmother, who is a saint and has never hurt a fly (despite that she has flown regularly into public, ungovernable rages).

Dad is pushing 80 years old now, and it's unreasonable to expect him to suddenly start working on himself at this point. My wife has had to accept a super-limited "relationship" that involves a couple of email exchanges per year, confined to non-substantive trivialities -- almost as if he were an old family friend rather than a father.

It's a truly sad situation. It would never occur to my extended family to shut me out, or even stop being respectful toward me, for something as personal as not believing anymore in god. On the other hand, my wife's family dynamic flowing top-down from dear old Dad is that if you make them even slightly uncomfortable you are a shameful idiot who should not be spoken to -- or, at least, someone to be avoided at all costs. As a result for various poor and/or unexplained reasons my wife is cut off from her siblings too.

So it's not just religion that destroys families, although it's certainly a catalyst and an excuse for many. My in-laws are proof that families can have controlling toxic dynamics without a religious impetus behind them, and/or some overt violation of social / conventional expectations like non-mainstream sexual orientations or marrying a non-approved spouse or whatever. Sometimes you can do everything demanded of you and then some, and still be a pariah.
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