Why I Stopped Believing - My De-Conversion Story
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25-10-2012, 11:22 PM (This post was last modified: 25-10-2012 11:31 PM by kpax.)
Why I Stopped Believing - My De-Conversion Story
I have to write my story! You are the first people I've told and it's nice to share it with someone who knows what is is like. I'll keep it short and sweet but I really need to get this out! Smile

It was a dark and stormy night.....LOL. Just kidding.

I grew up Mormon until the age of 14. I always felt "off", out of place and just disconnected. I thought it was because I was a bad kid somehow. I didn't act bad. I just knew I was experiencing religion differently from others and assumed I just didn't 'get it' for some reason.

I tried praying, listening, trying to 'feel' God. Nothing. I never felt him.

Fast forward to around age 20. I began a walk down my own path. I explored other religions. It never occurred to me that not believing was an option but I decided to keep believing in God but in a non-denominational kind of way.

About age 25 I met my first husband who was non-denominational. It was a great time in my life when I felt the closest to God. I could actually feel God during those short 2 years my husband and I were married. It was great to finally be apart of something, to find a group of people who knew how to worship God and treat others with respect!

Until my husband came to me, said he wasn't in love with me and wanted a divorce.

I went through shock and I was in church every time the doors were open praying and begging God to bring my husband back. I even asked the preacher why God would pair me up with someone just to take him away. I was devastated. It felt like a cruel joke on me and my daughter.

After that it was a slow decline from eventually not feeling God at all again. I wasn't mad at God but I was confused. What did I do so wrong to deserve these things and other things from my childhood? Was I not doing something right? Was worshiping God meant to be this hard and confusing? Where was this peace with God everyone keeps talking about?

I met up again and married my second husband. My second husband I had actually known for 11+ years. I thought for sure it would work out until things turned physically violent on his part.

After he and I divorced about 3 years ago, me and my daughter moved back to my hometown in Florida where I live by myself for the first time in my life with my daughter.

It's been very rough being a single Mom. A lot of praying, tears, long nights trying to keep bills paid and doing both roles as a Mom and Dad.

I love being single though and on my own. It's just a struggle at times.

There have been a few times since being out on my own where times were so hard that I thought me and my daughter were going to be homeless. During those times I would say many prayers and cry many tears, staying stressed out for days.

In June was the last time when I was laying on my bed staring at the ceiling, so exhausted from stress, anxiety and worry wondering when God was going to deliver me some god damned relief from my daily struggles when the thought suddenly occurred to me.....

Maybe nobody is listening....

Immediately, I felt a huge relief....If nobody was listening to my prayers and watching over me that must mean that my future, my efforts and everything was in MY hands. I was responsible for what happened to ME in my life.

Since June I started living with this new perspective. Since June I doubled my income. Got a new car. I hired a maid. My stress levels are down by 80%. I have much more work (I'm self employed). I feel much more focused, energetic, more enthused to wake up in the morning. My relationship with my daughter is better than ever.

More importantly I learned that I no longer have to wait around for answers to fall out of the sky. This life is my own. It's what I make of it from these two hands of mine and these two feet by this brain inside my head.

I am human and meant to think with my brain and use my hands and feet, not to sit around with my hands clasped together begging and hoping that some god will answer a simple, humble, much needed prayer.

My life turned around the moment I decided to admit what I always knew deep down inside.

Ironically it was then that I found true peace, the one thing I searched for my entire life.

And that is why I am an atheist....

Thank God.... Smile
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25-10-2012, 11:27 PM
RE: Why I Stopped Believing - My De-Conversion Story
(25-10-2012 11:22 PM)kpax Wrote:  It was a dark and stormy night.....
Thank God.... Smile

Congratulations.
Don't be thankin' no gods. Tongue

Insufferable know-it-all.Einstein (That's a JOKE, ya idiot)
"And you quit footing the bill for these nations that are oil rich - we're paying for some of their *squirmishes* that have been going on for centuries" - Sarah Palin
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25-10-2012, 11:31 PM
RE: Why I Stopped Believing - My De-Conversion Story
Wow, that is an interesting story. I am trying to increase my income and it seems as if something keeps throwing up walls in my way. I am also an atheist, but it is odd how everytime I solve one problem another bigger one comes up.
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25-10-2012, 11:34 PM (This post was last modified: 25-10-2012 11:37 PM by kpax.)
RE: Why I Stopped Believing - My De-Conversion Story
(25-10-2012 11:31 PM)Birdguy1979 Wrote:  Wow, that is an interesting story. I am trying to increase my income and it seems as if something keeps throwing up walls in my way.

What helped me past those 'walls' is to realize there are no walls. Smile In other words there is always options, work arounds and choices. It may not be obvious at first (maybe you need to take a class for further education or maybe you need to talk to person G before getting to person A or perhaps there are steps you are overlooking, etc.) but keep trying.
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