Wife Can't be with an Atheist
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30-10-2015, 10:16 AM
RE: Wife Can't be with an Atheist
while she shouldn't have pulled that on Facebook - it was her payback, she felt betrayed by your announcement on a podcast (not to her face) so she paid you back. Yes, wives get pissed off and hurt too. Accept her apology and move on. Request that she keep this off social media. These conversations are best held face to face.

I am married to a believer, but my husband makes it easy- he doesn't attend church or much else. We just go thru the daily stuff- what's for dinner, did you walk the dog?. We don't argue each other's stances. It's a live and let live attitude.

As for the kids, we do a lot of " well, I think this, dad thinks that, some people think this other thing and someone else has this other idea. what do you think? why do you think that? "


if you have 45 minutes for a YouTube video, watch Dale McGowan, specifically from the Free Ok event. It's pretty much how we parent. He also has a book out on "mixed" marriages which you both might find helpful.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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30-10-2015, 10:29 AM
RE: Wife Can't be with an Atheist
There are people who value fantasy more than reality. Your wife may well be one of them. Good luck. You're going to need it.

Atheism is NOT a Religion. It's A Personal Relationship With Reality!
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30-10-2015, 10:49 AM
RE: Wife Can't be with an Atheist
(29-10-2015 12:00 PM)Losoyo Wrote:  So Update... but before I do that, let me clarify a few things:

I had been struggling with this internally for a while, I had finally decided that I didn't. I tried talking to my wife once and it didn't go well. I then didn't talk about my change at all until I went online on one of my podcasts and came out. She found out via an email update. So she felt betrayed that I didn't go to her and went online and such. Which is fair, and I've apologized and made a commitment to not doing it further.

So now:

We discussed things out and she was adamant they be brought up in a christian home, and they be brought up because their eternal soul is in the mix. I didn't disagree that we could continue to bring them up going to church and such. I am a stay at home dad and she didn't know if i should be on because of the kids. Ultimately, It was actually a good conversation overall and we were very loving and able to come together and go through things. We were even playful today..

Until I find out that she unfriended me on facebook yesterday (Pre talk) and went to tell everyone how now I was an atheist (Which i didn't talk to our friends/family yet - just on the podcast) and ofcourse what should she do. She claims she needed to talk to people and she didn't want me and my 'atheist friends' to see it..

For me, this set us back to square one.. I just don't know. It feels really bad, but she'll just say its the same kind of betrayal.

Couple of thoughts. If you entered into the marriage as a believer, then she absolutely will see this as a betrayal. As Adrienne pointed out already it sort of is. This is not what she signed up for. This though begs the question of was she signing up because of you or because you were a believer? That is a painful question to address but if the answer is the former, that's great and you can work from there (i.e. you're the same person) but if it is the latter you are in for a wild ride I imagine. As for the kids, my wife takes ours to church with her but I don't really interfere. Granted, they church she goes to is fairly liberal and not some fire and brimstone place but they still try to brainwash the kids. I think the next thing you may need to talk to her about (if you haven't already) is what do you tell the kids if and when it comes up? I told my wife that I will not lie to the kids if they ask me and she should not expect me to lie to them either. If she still demands you attend, then perhaps attend to keep the peace then slowly work your way out of it. It may even produce good conversations you can have if you don't agree with what the pastor says. This is not going to be an easy road, that's for sure, but you are not alone on this highway.

"If we are honest—and scientists have to be—we must admit that religion is a jumble of false assertions, with no basis in reality.
The very idea of God is a product of the human imagination."
- Paul Dirac
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30-10-2015, 10:33 PM
RE: Wife Can't be with an Atheist
I came back to faith, recently and when I identified as an atheist, it didn't bother me as to other people's affiliations. Not being married, I can only imagine what you are going through right now. Your wife feels a sense of betrayal because for many (not all) theists, they need to feel that connection and bond with their life partner, when it comes to faith. Some atheists are that way as well, as they wish to only marry atheists. The main problem I've seen when marriages go through this, is that the partner who remains the theist seems to put the atheist on a guilt trip and if you're not careful, you will be manipulated into feeling badly about your stance as an atheist.

You shouldn't feel bad, and if your marriage is meant to be, it will survive this. If not, it won't. Hugs and keeping you and your situation in my thoughts. Hug

Be true to yourself. Heart
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02-11-2015, 02:51 PM
RE: Wife Can't be with an Atheist
You could always bring up the part in the bible that says women must not talk back to their husbands and be in obeyance or he's allowed to stone her to death. The "good" book is full of stuff like that.
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03-11-2015, 09:45 AM
RE: Wife Can't be with an Atheist
I'm not sure that quoting Bible verses to a spouse is the most effective form of marriage counseling available.

When my wife and I went through this I adopted a small target strategy. I answered questions about atheism and religion. I didn't raise the issue myself. And there's no need to. Atheists aren't compelled by divine edict to deconvert followers of any religion, and spouses can't expect each other's paths to take them in exactly the same direction. Chances are she won't follow you in your journey, and if you're fine with that you're half way there.

My focus in those early days was to convey to her consistently and clearly that I'm still the same person. Religion spends a lot of time demonizing atheists and building up bigotry and prejudice. My message to her was that I'm the same person I always was. Lacking a belief in God didn't turn me into a monster.

Just imagine you were married to a casual racist, and one day came out as black. Yep. You've been wearing white face all this time. Maybe she wasn't one of those really bad racists, just someone who had always swallowed negative messages without thinking about whether or not they are true. She's going to need time to adjust. She's going to need time to review her prejudices. It may well not work out. But it does work out for many people, so don't by shy to give it your best shot

The kids.
What about the kids?
Maybe: "I won't bring it up around them, but if they ask me I'll tell them. Yes I'll pray at meals. Yes they can go to church. Hell I'll take them myself."

My children were young when these were burning issues in my household. My wife and negotiated various agreements over time as both of our views evolved. My youngest is six now and he still isn't really interested in the topic. My oldest is nine and she knows my view on things and those of other family members.

I trust my children not to develop anti atheist bigotry. I trust them to keep thinking and make up their own minds. When my daughter comes to me and says so and so said this or that I don't tell her what to belive. I put that person's belief in context by explaining what various people around the world belive. I explore the reasons she belives things, the reasons others do, and the reasons I do or I don't.

I'm happy to follow Christian traditions if that's what it means to be a Christian household. But I won't tell my children what to belive in either direction. Nor will I shield them or isolate them from knowledge. Whatever I tell them I do so out on the open and give my spouse as well as other family members plenty of opportunities to put their views forward as well.

But these are all ideas and ways of doing things in a household that develop over time out of love, commitment, and communication. Those are all in diminished supply early on. So don't worry too much about getting your way early on. Come to an agreement you can live with and stick to it even if it isn't ideal. Give her time to unwind her prejudices a little and only when you've made good progress rebuilding the relationship at the core of your family unit should you raise the issue again.

Well, should is perhaps to strong a word. This is the approach that worked in my household. Every household is different.

Give me your argument in the form of a published paper, and then we can start to talk.
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03-11-2015, 10:03 AM
RE: Wife Can't be with an Atheist
(28-10-2015 05:12 AM)KUSA Wrote:  Just give in to Jesus. Be filled with the Holy Spirit brother and you will know the truth.

There was a fellow I have mentioned before on this site, a Greek who before my eyes on the cancer ward, gave himself over to jesus. He was dead the following morning. I had tried to talk to him about not losing his love for life and his family and not giving up. All for nought.

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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03-11-2015, 10:08 AM
RE: Wife Can't be with an Atheist
(29-10-2015 12:00 PM)Losoyo Wrote:  So Update... but before I do that, let me clarify a few things:

I had been struggling with this internally for a while, I had finally decided that I didn't. I tried talking to my wife once and it didn't go well. I then didn't talk about my change at all until I went online on one of my podcasts and came out. She found out via an email update. So she felt betrayed that I didn't go to her and went online and such. Which is fair, and I've apologized and made a commitment to not doing it further.

So now:

We discussed things out and she was adamant they be brought up in a christian home, and they be brought up because their eternal soul is in the mix. I didn't disagree that we could continue to bring them up going to church and such. I am a stay at home dad and she didn't know if i should be on because of the kids. Ultimately, It was actually a good conversation overall and we were very loving and able to come together and go through things. We were even playful today..

Until I find out that she unfriended me on facebook yesterday (Pre talk) and went to tell everyone how now I was an atheist (Which i didn't talk to our friends/family yet - just on the podcast) and ofcourse what should she do. She claims she needed to talk to people and she didn't want me and my 'atheist friends' to see it..

For me, this set us back to square one.. I just don't know. It feels really bad, but she'll just say its the same kind of betrayal.

Hey man, I'm just catching up on this thread and others from being away over the past week. But I wanted to respond if only to say that I am in the exact same place as you are. You may have mentioned how old your kids are and I didn't catch it but mine are 3 and 6. My wife has made the same statements, wanting the kids to grow up in church etc and I have agreed but I have also stated that our family will NOT be one that refuses to tolerate the views of others. She is not to trample or belittle me for my views just as I will, in turn, do the same for her. I realize she has done some things that have set your relationship back but the most important thing is that she sees that your actions etc, have not changed, you are still the same person other than the belief that resides in your brain. The book, In Faith and In Doubt, by Dale McGowan is a great place for you two to start. If she is willing to read this with you it can help your marriage. The book gives you a level starting ground and helps place the emphasis of parenting on what you have in common (such as certain ethics etc, integrity, not lying, stealing, cheating, etc.) and it leaves beliefs out of it. Beliefs confuse ideologies and muddy the waters.

I still attend church about once a month or so with my wife and kids. 1) It helps keep the peace. 2) It helps sharpen my mind, especially when i take notes and find joy in debunking the majority of what is said in the message.

I don't know if these things will help you but they've helped save my marriage so far. I've tried to explain things to my wife as well and it has only resulted in escalated anger and fear on her end. If you can keep a level head through this and stay calm it will also help. Rationale and reasoning fly out the window when you're head deep in emotion.

Best of luck to you man, and if there's anything else I can try to help you with please feel free to PM me. Shy

**Crickets** -- God
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