Wife wants a DIVORCE
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
20-11-2013, 10:06 PM
Sad Wife wants a DIVORCE
Sorry I skipped the introduction section. I just came straight here and I will give a brief and then go right into the meat of it as I need support

I am a new atheist. I have been on the fence for many years and after the sandy hook shooting, although it was nowhere near me, it made me really thing and I began to search, and I have a few atheist friends and I started to think I was agnostic and then I started listening to the podcasts here and everything started to click along with my readings and finding the horrors in the bible and I just, well long story short I think im pretty sure now that I am an atheist.

I was not ready to tell the wife yet, and I had been conversing online. She could tell I was acting weird as of late and she snooped on my computer and saw where I had been chatting it up with my atheist friends and talking down about her religious family and other. I confronted her about it and it was a nightmare.

This news along with a little bit of rockyness throughout the 7 years of marriage laid way to her telling me as of tonight that she wants to divorce me.

Last night I confronted her about the snooping, revealed im anti religious, she errupted, went all day without seeing each other the next day, then I write a 8 page letter to discribe how I am and how I feel and how I arrived where I am so that she would understand me, and tonight after reading it, it didnt land well, she is still furious and not accepting of me.

I cant understand how she is a believer and she doesnt know her own bible and the verses that it mentions in Corinthians about how its ok to stay married to a non believer.

Its just what I am now. I just want to be truthful and have a best friend I can talk to about this and she is in no way supportive of me.

I am halfway shocked and halfway not surprised, but now I am looking for a place to live and somewhere to go and start over.

I live in Mississippi and Christianity is all over the place and I fear work next.

I need some words of support.

Have any of you been through this yourselves?
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
20-11-2013, 10:17 PM
RE: Wife wants a DIVORCE
Hey man, I have not been through anything like this, but I just want to say I'm really...really sorry. If you really feel she is still the partner you wish to be with, then I hope that she can learn about atheism and accept you. If you don't feel like she is the partner you wish to be with forever...well then I suppose it'll be painful, but at least there is always the future.

If you think she is the one for you...I'd try to fight for her, see if she can learn about you, learn about why specifically she is angry.

Best of luck.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Adrianime's post
20-11-2013, 10:20 PM
RE: Wife wants a DIVORCE
My family cut me out of their lives (save for a few random books sent anonymously). My grandmother more or less outed me.

My husband doesn't a give a shit about religion and hates the atheist tag. So I come here.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Hug


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Momsurroundedbyboys's post
20-11-2013, 11:22 PM
RE: Wife wants a DIVORCE
Man this is rough and makes me super sad to hear Sad Firstly, I do not like to say "this is what you should do" or "if this were me, here is what I would do" when it comes to matters of divorce. These are personal LIFE DECISIONS that can have consequences in all kinds of ways.

What I can say is that I've been through a divorce and it was not easy for me. I was very naive at the time and was not expecting all the things that hit me from all angles. I lost friends, people stopped talking to me, people took "sides" so to speak. I learned who were friends really, really fast.

Things that helped me a lot during my divorce:

- Support. Be it from family or from friends, support is a good thing to have. If you do not have direct family or friends you can talk to and seek support from, a community of like minded people can be powerful and more than you think. OH HEY, wait a sec, we have one here! Smile Some may tell you that people online are incapable of giving empathy, but for some, it is easier. One beautiful thing about humans is our ability to sympathize and empathize with our fellow humans. I don't wish divorce on anyone, but I got through it with a lot of support.
- Learning from the experience helped me a lot. I had to really sit down sometimes and think about how to approach each bit. I ended up being as cool joe about it as I could. I tried never to be rude to her and kept it as civil as I could. That helped me move on with it a lot since I figured it wasn't worth it, it was time to move on, for both of us. Again, no one's situation is the same. I learned a lot about my communication skills, my views on our relationship, the things I probably could have done better, the things I missed as red flags. I carried those with me as a list of "shit I won't let happen again."
- Enjoying myself. It can be hard with divorce staring one in the face, but I ended up engrossing myself in hobbies I enjoyed. I tore apart my motorcycle and rebuilt it during my divorce. Sort of symbolic "rebirth of me" and I rode the hell out of that thing when the papers were signed. Things to keep my mind busy really helped.

Life does not end at divorce. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, if you need support, feel free to let it go and just vent. Hopefully you'll find some like minded people on here who can share their own experiences and dealing with stuff like this.

Official ordained minister of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Please pm me with prayer requests to his noodly goodness. Remember, he boiled for your sins and loves you. Carbo Diem! RAmen.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Logisch's post
21-11-2013, 12:23 AM (This post was last modified: 21-11-2013 12:26 AM by Heywood Jahblome.)
RE: Wife wants a DIVORCE
Ask yourself if your marriage was otherwise perfect, would she want to divorce you because you're now an atheist? If the answer is that she would still want a divorce then there isn't much that you can do. Hire a better lawyer than she does.

Now if the answer to question is that she would not want to end an otherwise perfect marriage because you're now an atheist, your only hope in saving the marriage is trying to change enough things that you can change to make the marriage acceptable to her.....and if that doesn't work out....Hire a better lawyer than she does.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
21-11-2013, 12:31 AM
RE: Wife wants a DIVORCE
So your atheist friend you've been badmouthing her and her family too.....a woman? It just feels like something is missing from this story.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
21-11-2013, 02:37 AM
RE: Wife wants a DIVORCE
If I were to guess I would say she feels betrayed a few levels. You are not 'the Christian' she married. This can be difficult for some to accept. Impossible for others. There is absolutely nothing I could advise on that front. You also hid your beliefs or lack thereof from her. This is something you can probably explain to her. It can be extremely difficult for some to admit it to themselves, and those they are closest to. It can be a paradigm shifting revelation. Explain the magnitude of you situation and fear of reprisal and impact. Hopefully she will be able to empathize. You admittedly badmouthed her family. On this front I'd recommend an apology. Maybe what you said was true, maybe it was appropriate in the context, but that is irrelevant. Just apologize is my advice. Yes, she snooped on you. You gave her reason to. It is understandable. You were distant, strange, secretive. I might have done the same thing in her situation. This rocked her universe just as much as it rocked yours, and probably more so. Do NOT try to de-convert her. Explaining your disbelief is fine, but if she doesn't want to entertain the notion of a universe without god, then that is up to her. Respect her right to practice as you would want her to respect your right to remain skeptical. That's all I have for you. If you love her, don't give up on her without a fight. That's my advice. Good luck!

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
21-11-2013, 07:40 AM
RE: Wife wants a DIVORCE
Thanks everyone for the replies. Yes I could flesh this out a great deal but I didnt and I did leave out some details
Yes Hobbitgirl I was talking to a female highschool friend that lives in FL and I live in MS, she is happily married, there is nothing 'there' just a friend that I chat with sometimes through facebook, someone that understands. I have a guy friend as well thats an atheist.

I am 40 years old and this is my second marriage. The first one ended because she was unhappy, she just wasnt happy. This one has been pretty great other than some issues we have had raising HER son. I have no children of my own. So we have had some bumps along the way from the rearing of a now 21 year old.

I will chat more later, must maintain and go to work.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
21-11-2013, 08:21 AM
RE: Wife wants a DIVORCE
IF you want to know more this is an excerpt from the chat I had with my female friend

"Her family, is way more religious. Hand holding and prayer before meals and the hole bit. I hate it, I hate that pressure.. I hate when they want me to say a prayer for the group and its usually 18 or so of us at the holidays. I think I have ruined them in the past with my pitiful prayers, so I don't get called out at much anymore, but I sure wish I was free to be me. I wish I could let them all know how I feel about it, and wished that after I did they would respect me and not think I bit bat heads and worship satan or some shit. Her mother is the worst of the bunch. She always wants me to go on a weekend thing The Walk of Emaus or something like that. Basically brainwashing camp for the weak. She also wants me to go to church all the time and to go to bible study Sunday school stuff, blah blah blah. I have done that stuff before and I'm always the one asking the most questions, and end the end the blanket answer comes out YOU JUST GOT TO HAVE FAITH, NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND GODS WILL. "

How was that so bad?

The 8 page letter I wrote her was to try and have her understand me and it explained my disbelief very well, but it to her it came off as I was trying to de convert her.
She has no empathy towards me. She does not want to understand me and how I arrived here.
She has the wall up and cares not to understand my skepticism.

Honestly I think our relationship is too far gone. I respect her mother a great deal regardless of her beliefs. I asked the wife what her mom thought about all this and she said that her mom said it was time to get out so I respect that. Her mom understands we have had issues several times in our marriage and maybe this one is just too much.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
21-11-2013, 08:32 AM
RE: Wife wants a DIVORCE
(20-11-2013 10:06 PM)sunchild Wrote:  Sorry I skipped the introduction section. I just came straight here and I will give a brief and then go right into the meat of it as I need support

I am a new atheist. I have been on the fence for many years and after the sandy hook shooting, although it was nowhere near me, it made me really thing and I began to search, and I have a few atheist friends and I started to think I was agnostic and then I started listening to the podcasts here and everything started to click along with my readings and finding the horrors in the bible and I just, well long story short I think im pretty sure now that I am an atheist.

I was not ready to tell the wife yet, and I had been conversing online. She could tell I was acting weird as of late and she snooped on my computer and saw where I had been chatting it up with my atheist friends and talking down about her religious family and other. I confronted her about it and it was a nightmare.

This news along with a little bit of rockyness throughout the 7 years of marriage laid way to her telling me as of tonight that she wants to divorce me.

Last night I confronted her about the snooping, revealed im anti religious, she errupted, went all day without seeing each other the next day, then I write a 8 page letter to discribe how I am and how I feel and how I arrived where I am so that she would understand me, and tonight after reading it, it didnt land well, she is still furious and not accepting of me.

I cant understand how she is a believer and she doesnt know her own bible and the verses that it mentions in Corinthians about how its ok to stay married to a non believer.

Its just what I am now. I just want to be truthful and have a best friend I can talk to about this and she is in no way supportive of me.

I am halfway shocked and halfway not surprised, but now I am looking for a place to live and somewhere to go and start over.

I live in Mississippi and Christianity is all over the place and I fear work next.

I need some words of support.

Have any of you been through this yourselves?
I went through the religious differences thing. We weren't married at that time, but we COULD have been...

Maybe your wife needs some time to relax and take it all in. And although she should've give you personal space and not snooped through your stuff, it was probably a huge shock to see all "the mean stuff you wrote" about her and her beliefs.

A big thing you must ask yourself, though, is: Do I really want to stay in a marriage where my partner and I can't agree on anything? (Let's be honest; How strong were you two when you had smaller spats/disagreements over the last seven years, in regards to talking it through civilly and with compromise??)

As for starting over, which is exactly what you'll be doing if you divorce, if possible, you will find a change of scenery is in order. If financially able, research places that have a more secular community on average. That's also me saying this because you make it sound like you're surrounded and intimidated by the religious in your community.

But first things first: Figure out if the marriage is worth you sacrificing your non-beliefs in order to not hurt HER feelings.

"It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in awhile exhilarating." -Stephen King
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply
Forum Jump: