Wife wants me to have an open relationship
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06-01-2014, 02:43 PM
RE: Wife wants me to have an open relationship
I'm with Anjele on this one. There are folks who have an inclination towards open relationships and multiple partners but if she doesn't have a poly background, this sudden interest is most likely indicative of other issues.

When the relationship is already unhappy or strained, adding other people to the mix will almost always end in disaster for everyone involved. My first concern is for this other guy's wife. You sound rather complacent, but is this other woman aware of their newly rekindled friendship? Or is she going to lose it and want revenge when she finds out? Your wife is playing a dangerous game and trying to find a way to alleviate her own guilt.

I don't have much advice for you other than to be honest with her and ask the same from her. Open and honest communication is usually the best policy in any situation.

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who has said it- not even if I have said it- unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. - Buddha
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06-01-2014, 02:54 PM
RE: Wife wants me to have an open relationship
Translation: Alternative partner.

I was alluding to the termination of contract.

Watch Kramer vs. Kramer.

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06-01-2014, 02:59 PM
RE: Wife wants me to have an open relationship
(06-01-2014 02:43 PM)Ohio Sky Wrote:  I'm with Anjele on this one. There are folks who have an inclination towards open relationships and multiple partners but if she doesn't have a poly background, this sudden interest is most likely indicative of other issues.

When the relationship is already unhappy or strained, adding other people to the mix will almost always end in disaster for everyone involved. My first concern is for this other guy's wife. You sound rather complacent, but is this other woman aware of their newly rekindled friendship? Or is she going to lose it and want revenge when she finds out? Your wife is playing a dangerous game and trying to find a way to alleviate her own guilt.

I don't have much advice for you other than to be honest with her and ask the same from her. Open and honest communication is usually the best policy in any situation.

Thanks for your input OS. I have no idea if the guy's wife is aware. I hadn't even thought about her to be honest. I don't even know the guy, except what my wife has told me about him. For the most part, my wife has been honest with me except once as far as I know.

We try to be as honest as possible with each other which has caused a lot of hurt but we carry on.

“The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.” ― Richard Pryor
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06-01-2014, 03:02 PM
RE: Wife wants me to have an open relationship
(06-01-2014 02:54 PM)DLJ Wrote:  Translation: Alternative partner.

I was alluding to the termination of contract.

Watch Kramer vs. Kramer.

I'm not going to lie to her. I'll have to watch that video when i get home. Youtube right?

“The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.” ― Richard Pryor
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06-01-2014, 03:34 PM
RE: Wife wants me to have an open relationship
I've had Both kinds of relationships - monogamous and open and can honestly advise you that Only The. Most. Secure. of People Can do Open relationships. I've seen loads of people convinced they were secure enough in themselves and secure enough in their marriage to say "Sure......let's do it" and I've watched those relationships torn apart in a matter of months. Why? Because we are rather trained by society to think of closed partnerships and monogamous marriages.
So - that considered - let's just work with basics:

(1) Don't try to be at-home-therapy and try to guess or psychoanalyze your wife's motivations. You're not a therapist (I guess) and neither am I. Her motivations and needs are her own. Even in a marriage she *can* share those - or not. People forget that sometimes.
(2) No one OWNS their spouse, their feelings, their needs, etc - no matter what society says or religion says or your neighbor says, your sister, forum members here, etc. We don't OWN other people. Period. Good rule of thumb to bear in mind for a healthy marriage - sex or no sex. monogamous or not.
(3) People like to feel desired. In fact, lots of people NEED to feel desired. Which is one of the fundamental reasons monogamy works. Here's that One person who finds you sexy to wish to have sex with you the rest of their lives. Great! Never forget that your spouse wants or needs to feel special.
(4) Because people like (or need) to feel desired and find a marriage where that can happen - it's delicate and why jealousy raises its ugly head lots in relationships.
(5) Caring about another person and being interested in fulfilling their needs isn't brain surgery. You care - so you try. You try whatever - even perhaps other partners IF that will make your other half happy. Right? No problem. Commitment to happiness - however that needs fulfilling - is goal number one.
(6) Only one thing to really promise: IF at ANY time one or both people in the marriage feel awkward, cheated, left out, lonely, scared, sad, sexually dissatisfied, any of those or combination ---- you STOP. And you go back to the one on one you agreed to in the first place.


It's not a bad thing to try adventure. It's just a bad thing to try adventure if there's not something Solid and Strong to build on. If you're happy and secure and already sexually satisfied - then sure - pound away on whoever you wish.
If you're considering having sex outside your marriage - just do it for the Right reasons and pursue it in the right way --- always bearing in mind that No One Nothing comes before your committed life partner YOU chose in the first place.

that's the best advice I have, my friend.

oxoxox

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06-01-2014, 04:36 PM
RE: Wife wants me to have an open relationship
Thanks Sabrina,

The issue is that we have a less than amazing marriage with a LOT of issues in the past. We are getting better. My wife used to threaten divorce every week and since I was a committed Christian at the time, nothing broke my heart more than that. I was naive when I married my wife. My wife had lots of issues that I thought I was ready to deal with. I wasnt.

So here we are. 2 kids and a deconversion later and we are actually having a bit of a better time (at least according to me)

“The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.” ― Richard Pryor
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06-01-2014, 04:50 PM
RE: Wife wants me to have an open relationship
This is tough kamilo. What it comes down to for me is this:

1. if you are having troubles in a relationship, adding more people to the mix is never good or helpful.

2. I had lots of partners/adventures before marrying, and guess what, I still wish I'd had more, but I've learned to be happy with what I have. I know that's not quite possible for you two it seems though, basically with that point I want to say, you may just be the kind of person that likes having fun now and again with a random person. nothing wrong with that! But you do have to be free to do that sort of thing.

3. You've mentioned more than once that you two plan to stay together until your kids are older. If you two don't have a healthy relationship, this could hurt your kids more than help them. Also, if you decided on the open sex situation, who's to say one of you wouldn't fall in love with someone else?

I guess I only see this option speeding up your impending end. Either from jealousy, or finding a new love.

Hope none of this came off harsh. You know I love ya, and wish you all the best Hug
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06-01-2014, 05:38 PM
RE: Wife wants me to have an open relationship
(06-01-2014 04:50 PM)Smercury44 Wrote:  This is tough kamilo. What it comes down to for me is this:

1. if you are having troubles in a relationship, adding more people to the mix is never good or helpful.

2. I had lots of partners/adventures before marrying, and guess what, I still wish I'd had more, but I've learned to be happy with what I have. I know that's not quite possible for you two it seems though, basically with that point I want to say, you may just be the kind of person that likes having fun now and again with a random person. nothing wrong with that! But you do have to be free to do that sort of thing.

3. You've mentioned more than once that you two plan to stay together until your kids are older. If you two don't have a healthy relationship, this could hurt your kids more than help them. Also, if you decided on the open sex situation, who's to say one of you wouldn't fall in love with someone else?

I guess I only see this option speeding up your impending end. Either from jealousy, or finding a new love.

Hope none of this came off harsh. You know I love ya, and wish you all the best Hug

Not harsh at all. Wink

It's a bit tricky. I've often wondered about divorce. When it was really bad I stayed for the kids and when I was a christian I stayed because it was the christian thing to do. I no longer care if we end up divorced but i care much about the little ones. I think I still carry with me the christian stigma of divorce but I've now added the economic stigma and the sunk cost fallacy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunk_costs). I cant get rid of both.

Maybe I'm also afraid to be on my own but that might be whats best. I really don't know.

“The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.” ― Richard Pryor
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06-01-2014, 05:41 PM
RE: Wife wants me to have an open relationship
(06-01-2014 01:30 PM)djkamilo Wrote:  I dont know who to talk to about this, so I'll do it here if you dont mind.

My christianish wife asked me point blank if I wanted to have sex with other women. I told her just like I have told her before, that I feel like I missed out. I was a good christian boy and only had sex with one person once before my wife, while my wife even though a christian by profession had sex with more than a handful of guys. I told her that I would've like to experience that. So she told me I could sleep with other women, as long as I was honest with her. I then told her that it would need to be mutual to be fair, she insisted she didnt want to do it herself but she just didnt want to tie me down.

She'd pulled this one before about a year and a half ago and then retracted. But this time I think she's serious. She's been talking to an ex of hers that lives in California who according to her really gets her. She claims he's just a friend. He's married BTW.

She told me that we're most likely going to go our own separate ways once the kids are older and that we're not compatible. She said that she was a Sub sexually and I was Sub as well.

I agree we're not compatible, if it wasnt for the religion conviction I had, I would have never married her, but here we are and we have kids whom we love. I cannot say I'm sad that I'm being given a free pass but I dont know what to make of it.

Then today she asked me about her going on vacation by herself to LA to check out the makeup industry there. I told her it was fine.

I think I know what the trip is really about.

Not as uncomplicated as it really sounds, if your relationship is a lot more than mainly sexual. Swinging, per se, can get extremely complicated in terms of all the options available in that scene.
As for your wife's agreeance, in a non reciprocal event .....HuhConfused..:it's your relationship!
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06-01-2014, 05:44 PM
RE: Wife wants me to have an open relationship
So!

I just spent some considerable time on youtube searching for a specific video. I dont even know how much it releats to your problems in any way, so I might just only waste my but also your bloody time. But still, I think you should considere watching it:




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