Wife wants to move to Canada
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20-10-2017, 06:41 AM
Wife wants to move to Canada
Ever since November, my wife has wanted to move to Canada. I understand her sentiment; she doesn't feel like this country really reflects her values and would rather go somewhere more aligned with them. The problem is, everything I know and care about is here. I just started a new job less than six months ago that I really like. It's the first time in nine years that I work and live in the same city.

I'm still trying to sort out how I feel about everything and how I want to proceed. She isn't planning on permanently moving there (or at least, that's the plan now), but she wants to do a two year teaching stint there. Part of my worry about this (apart from the obvious "zomg pick up everything and move!") is that she's been rather depressed for the last few years, and I think she's searching for things to fix this. She's frequently undergone some rather major life changes (several of which were supposed to help), and this has persisted. So, I have no real reason to believe that "pick up everything and go to Canada" is going to fix anything, and it's a big investment on my part to run through this experiment. One potential bright light at the end of the tunnel is that I might be able to work remote and keep my job, but I'm not holding my breath on that one.

She and I have been growing apart for years, occasionally interspersed with periods of partially coming back together. Those periods have always felt temporary. This really started when I stopped believing, nearly seven years ago. She never took it well, and begrudgingly tolerates it, now. Several times over the last few years, she's brought up divorce, and each time, I've acquiesced to whatever brought it up. After that last time, I kind of felt like... it was the last time. Like, I'd just gotten sick of having divorce brought up, potentially to be used as some blunt object to get what she wants. I'd told myself that one more time, and I'd just say "Yeah, okay. It's probably better this way." and be done with this shit. So, it's been six or more months since she's brought it up, for better or for worse. I still can't help but feel this is the beginning of the end. I'm still trying to process how I feel about this whole move, whether I want to, whether I can, and what my options really are.
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20-10-2017, 06:56 AM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
*hugs* I think it's something you really need to do some deep "soul searching" on (for lack of a better term). Btw, I understand the wanting to move to Canada thing when Trump was elected. When it first happened, my bf and I were like "Canada, Here we come!" But now the initial shock has (somewhat) worn off and we've calmed down a bit in our fervor to leave the States. Trump still sucks though.

Have you tried counseling? Maybe just having someone to listen who is a third party can help you both figure things out in terms of best course of action since this would be a huge move?

For me, when I have big life decisions, I find meditation helps--basically just going some place quiet by yourself, quieting your mind, and letting your mind play out different scenarios in your head--mentally seeing yourself in each situation and the potential outcomes of each situation.

I'm sorry things are difficult for you right now with your relationship.
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20-10-2017, 06:56 AM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(20-10-2017 06:41 AM)RobbyPants Wrote:  Ever since November, my wife has wanted to move to Canada. I understand her sentiment; she doesn't feel like this country really reflects her values and would rather go somewhere more aligned with them. The problem is, everything I know and care about is here. I just started a new job less than six months ago that I really like. It's the first time in nine years that I work and live in the same city.

I'm still trying to sort out how I feel about everything and how I want to proceed. She isn't planning on permanently moving there (or at least, that's the plan now), but she wants to do a two year teaching stint there. Part of my worry about this (apart from the obvious "zomg pick up everything and move!") is that she's been rather depressed for the last few years, and I think she's searching for things to fix this. She's frequently undergone some rather major life changes (several of which were supposed to help), and this has persisted. So, I have no real reason to believe that "pick up everything and go to Canada" is going to fix anything, and it's a big investment on my part to run through this experiment. One potential bright light at the end of the tunnel is that I might be able to work remote and keep my job, but I'm not holding my breath on that one.

She and I have been growing apart for years, occasionally interspersed with periods of partially coming back together. Those periods have always felt temporary. This really started when I stopped believing, nearly seven years ago. She never took it well, and begrudgingly tolerates it, now. Several times over the last few years, she's brought up divorce, and each time, I've acquiesced to whatever brought it up. After that last time, I kind of felt like... it was the last time. Like, I'd just gotten sick of having divorce brought up, potentially to be used as some blunt object to get what she wants. I'd told myself that one more time, and I'd just say "Yeah, okay. It's probably better this way." and be done with this shit. So, it's been six or more months since she's brought it up, for better or for worse. I still can't help but feel this is the beginning of the end. I'm still trying to process how I feel about this whole move, whether I want to, whether I can, and what my options really are.
Sorry to hear that Robby!

Would she be open to seeing like a therapist? Sounds like, as you said, something has her down and she wants to "change the view" as it were. I can sympathize a lot on this, as I've been in similar circumstances with my wife many times, about moving at least. I too have not long started a really good job, that pays well and is local, meaning I can walk to work everyday. And to give up full time guaranteed work in this day an age, is crazy to say the least.

Re: the relationship as a whole, seeing a therapist together may help, or if you can get her to open up a little bit on it, maybe she'll just tell you. In another similar circumstance, my parents-in-law have just broken up after 38+ years of marriage, for a similar thing. She wasn't happy, and wanted to move on. The father in law just said "if that's what's going to make you happy" and let her go. Yeh, he's a bit down in the dumps, but you want to make your other half happy.

See if you can get her to talk about it, and possibly see somebody about the reasoning behind it. Maybe even casually mention to her that you think her wanting to move is because of something else that is going on in her life, and just see how it goes.

All the best. Hug
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20-10-2017, 07:13 AM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. (Although moving to Canada has crossed my mind lately, too. I love the parts of Canada that I've seen.)

However, I think you're correct, it does sound as if your wife may be expecting Canada to be a magical solution to her unhappiness. It's a tough situation in a marriage when one partner is depressed and the other is happy and satisfied--it makes for rifts and resentment in both parties. This does sound like one of those situations where you may be coming to a crisis point that can't be resolved in a way that keeps you together. The two of you might benefit from going to counseling together to try to see if you can find a solution with a third person's help.

I hope things work out eventually so that both of you are happier (apart or together).
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20-10-2017, 07:15 AM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
Does she actually have a way to legally immigrate to Canada? Family, job offer, degree in critical demand, etc.?

'Murican Canadian
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20-10-2017, 07:16 AM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
Not to "stir the pot" but as Julep said, Canada as a whole seems to be a really nice place, so there would be much worse places to move to, should that end up being the case. Laugh out load
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20-10-2017, 07:19 AM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(20-10-2017 07:15 AM)yakherder Wrote:  Does she actually have a way to legally immigrate to Canada? Family, job offer, degree in critical demand, etc.?

I know when I was seriously looking into it before--a career in the Health Care field was considered high critical demand. For me, this would have worked since my degree is in Gerontology (although I am no longer working in that profession since I now do my yoga thing ). Anyway, there is a site, Robby, that lists all of the critical demand jobs. What does your wife do or have degrees in?
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20-10-2017, 07:22 AM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(20-10-2017 07:19 AM)jennybee Wrote:  
(20-10-2017 07:15 AM)yakherder Wrote:  Does she actually have a way to legally immigrate to Canada? Family, job offer, degree in critical demand, etc.?

I know when I was seriously looking into it before--a career in the Health Care field was considered high critical demand. For me, this would have worked since my degree is in Gerontology (although I am no longer working in that profession since I now do my yoga thing ). Anyway, there is a site, Robby, that lists all of the critical demand jobs. What does your wife do or have degrees in?
Re this: I'm not sure if it applies to Commonwealth residents who want to move over there (as I have looked into it as well, and am British) but there is a form you can fill out which ask's you all sorts: What is your current job/do you have work waiting/do you have enough money to move back if it doesnt work out etc.
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20-10-2017, 07:31 AM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
Yes, we did counseling, but that was ten years ago, before we even had kids. A lot has changed, obviously. I asked her if she was open to it around a year ago, and she never bit. I could see, again. It's possible she doesn't want a mediator. I know she has one or two family members who might not agree with her on this (well, one I know who wouldn't. Her grandma thinks I put up with too much.).

As for getting there legally: yes. We've filled out oodles of paperwork and done a bunch of crap to get our initial scoring higher. This has included:
  • Taking an official English test (despite being native speakers).
  • Getting some FBI/police background check.
  • Sending over finger prints.
  • Getting a physical from an approved physician (we're driving across the state tomorrow to do just that).
  • Having a record of and proof of employment history over the last ten years.
  • A metric shitton of paperwork.
  • Documenting how much money you're bringing with you (it needs to be in the low five-figure range, depending on the size of your family). They want you able to support yourself when you get there.
  • Getting her teaching certificate transfered to Ontario.
I'm a software developer and my wife is a teacher (as well as a librarian and author, but they won't care about that). After jumping through all of those hoops, we get a score, and that is used as a cutoff for if they'll consider you for the next step. We didn't get any points for having any relatives over there or an actual job offer (she wanted me to look for jobs there, as well, but I didn't). We barely made the cutoff for the next step. So, that's where we're at, now.

All that being said, for any of you who do want to move to Canada, start working toward that sooner rather than later. They're choosy because they can be.

Also, yes, parts of Canada or gorgeous. We went to London for a day in February and went camping for three nights at Bruce Peninsula last August.
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20-10-2017, 07:36 AM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
I'd love to go to Burgess, but somebody would have to drag me up that mountain.
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