Wife wants to move to Canada
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20-10-2017, 07:36 AM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
Fair enough for knowing your stuff on that one, at least you're looking into it, should that be the route you take.

If you can, try and get her to counselling again, as things have clearly changed somewhere down the line, so might be worth refreshing on that a little bit.

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20-10-2017, 07:46 AM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(20-10-2017 07:16 AM)OakTree500 Wrote:  Not to "stir the pot" but as Julep said, Canada as a whole seems to be a really nice place, so there would be much worse places to move to, should that end up being the case. Laugh out load

I like it here, but not because it's an escape from political drama. That it isn't. We have most of the same debates in regards to Canada specific issues, and also share debates over U.S. issues, given how reliant the Canadian economy is on decisions made by the U.S. and other leverage holding countries. And also I can't help but note the irony in her being religious and dreaming of an escape to Canada. It's certainly not more God friendly.

Don't get me wrong, I highly recommend Canada. But for those considering it, don't expect it to be an automatic solution. The same problems you face in the U.S. you will likely face here. I work, I pay a shitload of taxes, and even with the "free" medical care those taxes supposedly provide I'm still paying a few hundred per month for supplementary medical/vision/dental, and the cost of living is higher in almost every regard from house prices in metropolitan areas to food to gas. My grocery bill is easily double what it was in the states. About the only thing I've found to be cheaper is property out in the sticks. But if you're not looking to drive two hours to work and want to live in a town with more than a grocery store and a Timmy's, that's probably not gonna work. We have gun debates (most of my coworkers are gun owners), some of us bitch about immigrants taking our jobs (though in this case the term "immigrants" also includes me and other Americans), the Somalian gangs are out of control in some places...

If I weren't such a wilderness junkie (Canada is amazing in that regard), I'd seriously consider trying to convince my spouse to move to the states. The average salary for her career is about 25k per year higher in the states and our cost of living would go down substantially on top of that.

Not complaining about Canada, I love it here. Just don't want anyone to make the mistake of giving up their lives and flocking to the north under the flawed grass is greener on the other side mentality.

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20-10-2017, 07:47 AM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(20-10-2017 06:41 AM)RobbyPants Wrote:  Ever since November, my wife has wanted to move to Canada. I understand her sentiment; she doesn't feel like this country really reflects her values and would rather go somewhere more aligned with them. The problem is, everything I know and care about is here. I just started a new job less than six months ago that I really like. It's the first time in nine years that I work and live in the same city.

I'm still trying to sort out how I feel about everything and how I want to proceed. She isn't planning on permanently moving there (or at least, that's the plan now), but she wants to do a two year teaching stint there. Part of my worry about this (apart from the obvious "zomg pick up everything and move!") is that she's been rather depressed for the last few years, and I think she's searching for things to fix this. She's frequently undergone some rather major life changes (several of which were supposed to help), and this has persisted. So, I have no real reason to believe that "pick up everything and go to Canada" is going to fix anything, and it's a big investment on my part to run through this experiment. One potential bright light at the end of the tunnel is that I might be able to work remote and keep my job, but I'm not holding my breath on that one.

She and I have been growing apart for years, occasionally interspersed with periods of partially coming back together. Those periods have always felt temporary. This really started when I stopped believing, nearly seven years ago. She never took it well, and begrudgingly tolerates it, now. Several times over the last few years, she's brought up divorce, and each time, I've acquiesced to whatever brought it up. After that last time, I kind of felt like... it was the last time. Like, I'd just gotten sick of having divorce brought up, potentially to be used as some blunt object to get what she wants. I'd told myself that one more time, and I'd just say "Yeah, okay. It's probably better this way." and be done with this shit. So, it's been six or more months since she's brought it up, for better or for worse. I still can't help but feel this is the beginning of the end. I'm still trying to process how I feel about this whole move, whether I want to, whether I can, and what my options really are.

Just one question:

Do you still love your wife?

Before you decide on anything, you really need to examine that question and answer if truthfully.

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20-10-2017, 07:50 AM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(20-10-2017 07:47 AM)Free Wrote:  
(20-10-2017 06:41 AM)RobbyPants Wrote:  Ever since November, my wife has wanted to move to Canada. I understand her sentiment; she doesn't feel like this country really reflects her values and would rather go somewhere more aligned with them. The problem is, everything I know and care about is here. I just started a new job less than six months ago that I really like. It's the first time in nine years that I work and live in the same city.

I'm still trying to sort out how I feel about everything and how I want to proceed. She isn't planning on permanently moving there (or at least, that's the plan now), but she wants to do a two year teaching stint there. Part of my worry about this (apart from the obvious "zomg pick up everything and move!") is that she's been rather depressed for the last few years, and I think she's searching for things to fix this. She's frequently undergone some rather major life changes (several of which were supposed to help), and this has persisted. So, I have no real reason to believe that "pick up everything and go to Canada" is going to fix anything, and it's a big investment on my part to run through this experiment. One potential bright light at the end of the tunnel is that I might be able to work remote and keep my job, but I'm not holding my breath on that one.

She and I have been growing apart for years, occasionally interspersed with periods of partially coming back together. Those periods have always felt temporary. This really started when I stopped believing, nearly seven years ago. She never took it well, and begrudgingly tolerates it, now. Several times over the last few years, she's brought up divorce, and each time, I've acquiesced to whatever brought it up. After that last time, I kind of felt like... it was the last time. Like, I'd just gotten sick of having divorce brought up, potentially to be used as some blunt object to get what she wants. I'd told myself that one more time, and I'd just say "Yeah, okay. It's probably better this way." and be done with this shit. So, it's been six or more months since she's brought it up, for better or for worse. I still can't help but feel this is the beginning of the end. I'm still trying to process how I feel about this whole move, whether I want to, whether I can, and what my options really are.

Just one question:

Do you still love your wife?

Before you decide on anything, you really need to examine that question and answer if truthfully.

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20-10-2017, 07:51 AM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
Canada will solve all your problems.

(just kidding)

But seriously, it sounds like your wife is searching for a solution to an undefined problem. I agree that individual and/or couples therapy could definitely help define the problem, and start you on a path to finding a solution, especially if the problem is related to ill-defined or unfullfilled expectations, in her life or in your marriage.

Also, she should definitely get a physical checkup to ensure there aren't biological reasons for her feeling low: perimenopause (up to 10 years prior to menopause) can cause havoc with hormone levels and can present as mild (but infuriating) depressive symptoms.

Keep in mind that immigrating anywhere is quite stressful, and that if you're experiencing problems in your relationship, this kind of stress will not help.

Good luck!

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20-10-2017, 09:50 AM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
Have you considered the tax implications? Unless you surrender US Citizenship you'll be paying taxes to both Canada and the USA.

#sigh
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20-10-2017, 09:53 AM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(20-10-2017 09:50 AM)GirlyMan Wrote:  Have you considered the tax implications? Unless you surrender US Citizenship you'll be paying taxes to both Canada and the USA.

While true, until you make some decent money it's more of an administrative pain in the ass than anything. You do have to list foreign income, but you won't get taxed on anything up til about 100k per year. I've paid more to U.S. tax specialists to do it for me than I have to the U.S. government, because I've got way too much ADHD going on to deal with that bullshit myself.

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20-10-2017, 12:03 PM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(20-10-2017 07:46 AM)yakherder Wrote:  And also I can't help but note the irony in her being religious and dreaming of an escape to Canada. It's certainly not more God friendly.

She's a very liberal Christian who largely doesn't like typical American Christians.


(20-10-2017 07:46 AM)yakherder Wrote:  Not complaining about Canada, I love it here. Just don't want anyone to make the mistake of giving up their lives and flocking to the north under the flawed grass is greener on the other side mentality.

She's a liberal commie pinko who largely believes that Canada is more on board with her world view than America is.



(20-10-2017 07:51 AM)Reducetarian Wrote:  Keep in mind that immigrating anywhere is quite stressful, and that if you're experiencing problems in your relationship, this kind of stress will not help.

Just preparing for it has been rather stressful.



(20-10-2017 07:47 AM)Free Wrote:  Just one question:

Do you still love your wife?

Before you decide on anything, you really need to examine that question and answer if truthfully.

...That depends on the week. If you would have asked me three or so weeks ago, the answer would have been a lot closer to "no". Two weeks ago, when the immigration process started picking up again, she got very excited about it all, and our relationship seemed to improve for a week. That's seemingly reversing again.

I mean, I don't hate her and I do care for her, but feelings of love are fewer and fewer. Honestly, the two biggest things I dread about our marriage ending is fear of the unknown and I love her family.
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20-10-2017, 01:39 PM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
I don't want to speak out of turn here, and obviously I know nothing about your life, but it kind of sounds to me like you've made a decision already, or you are half way there to making one maybe?

Get your own bleeding hymn book
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20-10-2017, 01:48 PM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(20-10-2017 12:03 PM)RobbyPants Wrote:  
(20-10-2017 07:46 AM)yakherder Wrote:  And also I can't help but note the irony in her being religious and dreaming of an escape to Canada. It's certainly not more God friendly.

She's a very liberal Christian who largely doesn't like typical American Christians.


(20-10-2017 07:46 AM)yakherder Wrote:  Not complaining about Canada, I love it here. Just don't want anyone to make the mistake of giving up their lives and flocking to the north under the flawed grass is greener on the other side mentality.

She's a liberal commie pinko who largely believes that Canada is more on board with her world view than America is.



(20-10-2017 07:51 AM)Reducetarian Wrote:  Keep in mind that immigrating anywhere is quite stressful, and that if you're experiencing problems in your relationship, this kind of stress will not help.

Just preparing for it has been rather stressful.



(20-10-2017 07:47 AM)Free Wrote:  Just one question:

Do you still love your wife?

Before you decide on anything, you really need to examine that question and answer if truthfully.

...That depends on the week. If you would have asked me three or so weeks ago, the answer would have been a lot closer to "no". Two weeks ago, when the immigration process started picking up again, she got very excited about it all, and our relationship seemed to improve for a week. That's seemingly reversing again.

I mean, I don't hate her and I do care for her, but feelings of love are fewer and fewer. Honestly, the two biggest things I dread about our marriage ending is fear of the unknown and I love her family.

To me, at least, love is not something that comes and goes in a marriage, at least not a healthy marriage. So let's examine your situation.

1. On numerous occasions, she has brought up the subject of divorce.
2. She suffers from constant depression.
3. She wants to move to Canada in hopes of improving her happiness.
4. You admit that your love for her is not consistent.

It would seem to me that neither of you are happy in this marriage. You don't hate each other, but you simply are not in love with each other.

Both you and her appear to be trapped in a loveless marriage.

So what you may need to do is figure out why you are staying together, and decide whether or not the reasons you are staying together are greater than your need to be happy.

I suspect you will have no good reasons to continue the marriage.

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