Wife wants to move to Canada
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20-10-2017, 02:06 PM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(20-10-2017 12:03 PM)RobbyPants Wrote:  
(20-10-2017 07:46 AM)yakherder Wrote:  And also I can't help but note the irony in her being religious and dreaming of an escape to Canada. It's certainly not more God friendly.

She's a very liberal Christian who largely doesn't like typical American Christians.


(20-10-2017 07:46 AM)yakherder Wrote:  Not complaining about Canada, I love it here. Just don't want anyone to make the mistake of giving up their lives and flocking to the north under the flawed grass is greener on the other side mentality.

She's a liberal commie pinko who largely believes that Canada is more on board with her world view than America is.



(20-10-2017 07:51 AM)Reducetarian Wrote:  Keep in mind that immigrating anywhere is quite stressful, and that if you're experiencing problems in your relationship, this kind of stress will not help.

Just preparing for it has been rather stressful.



(20-10-2017 07:47 AM)Free Wrote:  Just one question:

Do you still love your wife?

Before you decide on anything, you really need to examine that question and answer if truthfully.

...That depends on the week. If you would have asked me three or so weeks ago, the answer would have been a lot closer to "no". Two weeks ago, when the immigration process started picking up again, she got very excited about it all, and our relationship seemed to improve for a week. That's seemingly reversing again.

I mean, I don't hate her and I do care for her, but feelings of love are fewer and fewer. Honestly, the two biggest things I dread about our marriage ending is fear of the unknown and I love her family.

When my relationship was in the shitter, we bought a house together. Hobo This was a few years ago, mind you. And things went from bad to worse and we separated for a bit several times over and then he realized he couldn't live without me Wink so we got back together. And luckily, in my situation, things worked out in my rship.

I guess my point is, I wouldn't pin all your hopes on Canada being the remedy to your situation. They may improve for a little while, but could also go back to how they've been very easily. I don't think things or places can make you happy. I think they can enhance your life, but overall making you truly happy within yourself, I would say no. You can't outrun your demons, dealing with them head on is the only way, not relocating them to another country.

I think Free's point about truly assessing your rship as is, where it's at now, is your best guide for future happiness. That said, you could always give Canada a try, look at it as an adventure, see where you are at in a year.
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20-10-2017, 02:09 PM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(20-10-2017 01:39 PM)Thedemonbarber Wrote:  I don't want to speak out of turn here, and obviously I know nothing about your life, but it kind of sounds to me like you've made a decision already, or you are half way there to making one maybe?

I honestly don't know.
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20-10-2017, 03:06 PM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(20-10-2017 02:09 PM)RobbyPants Wrote:  
(20-10-2017 01:39 PM)Thedemonbarber Wrote:  I don't want to speak out of turn here, and obviously I know nothing about your life, but it kind of sounds to me like you've made a decision already, or you are half way there to making one maybe?

I honestly don't know.

It must be an awful position to be in, I have no idea how you feel, but for what it's worth, Me and the Mrs have had our fair share of downs over the years, but if the ups outnumber the downs, then there is something there worth fighting for. I hope you can work this out.

Get your own bleeding hymn book
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20-10-2017, 03:27 PM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(20-10-2017 03:06 PM)Thedemonbarber Wrote:  
(20-10-2017 02:09 PM)RobbyPants Wrote:  I honestly don't know.

It must be an awful position to be in, I have no idea how you feel, but for what it's worth, Me and the Mrs have had our fair share of downs over the years, but if the ups outnumber the downs, then there is something there worth fighting for. I hope you can work this out.

I think that's the thing too-Is what you have worth fighting for?

I mentioned in my earlier post, my boyfriend and I had a separation on several occasions-would get back together- break up, rinse, repeat. We only fairly recently got back together as a couple. There was a lot of pain and heartache getting to this point and looking back now, I'm glad I didn't throw in the towel and just walk away. Things are still not easy and we still have our bad days but overall things have improved. And there is love there and we both want to fight for it.

I think in your situation, you need to ask yourself if fighting for this rship is what you really want. Because if only one of you wants to fight for it and the other doesn't, it's not going to work. Things will crumble fast whether you're in the States or Canada. Do you think a separation would help either of you better assess the rship?
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20-10-2017, 03:45 PM (This post was last modified: 20-10-2017 04:09 PM by Anjele.)
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
I am sorry to hear about the struggles...I am sure it isn't easy.

First I think I would get her to a doctor and get the depression under control. It may not seem like it's a big thing when someone isn't curled up in a ball or holding a knife to their wrist but it really colors the way you look at things when depression takes hold. A fix isn't always easy and it's often trial and error till the right treatment is found but it's probably worth the effort.

As for you, being constantly threatened with divorce and the other threats of turning the family upside down with a major move are unfair to you and manipulative. I know you have kids and most people want to do whatever it takes to save a marriage when kids are involved but kids really do need to see a healthy marriage much more than they need to be the reason two people stay together.

I am sorry buddy...it's a sucky situation to be in.

Start with addressing the depression and clarify how you feel.

Most marriages have ups and downs but if you are getting whiplash from it, something has to be done.

Hugs to you.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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21-10-2017, 12:54 PM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(20-10-2017 06:41 AM)RobbyPants Wrote:  Ever since November, my wife has wanted to move to Canada. I understand her sentiment; she doesn't feel like this country really reflects her values and would rather go somewhere more aligned with them. The problem is, everything I know and care about is here. I just started a new job less than six months ago that I really like. It's the first time in nine years that I work and live in the same city.

I'm still trying to sort out how I feel about everything and how I want to proceed. She isn't planning on permanently moving there (or at least, that's the plan now), but she wants to do a two year teaching stint there. Part of my worry about this (apart from the obvious "zomg pick up everything and move!") is that she's been rather depressed for the last few years, and I think she's searching for things to fix this. She's frequently undergone some rather major life changes (several of which were supposed to help), and this has persisted. So, I have no real reason to believe that "pick up everything and go to Canada" is going to fix anything, and it's a big investment on my part to run through this experiment. One potential bright light at the end of the tunnel is that I might be able to work remote and keep my job, but I'm not holding my breath on that one.

She and I have been growing apart for years, occasionally interspersed with periods of partially coming back together. Those periods have always felt temporary. This really started when I stopped believing, nearly seven years ago. She never took it well, and begrudgingly tolerates it, now. Several times over the last few years, she's brought up divorce, and each time, I've acquiesced to whatever brought it up. After that last time, I kind of felt like... it was the last time. Like, I'd just gotten sick of having divorce brought up, potentially to be used as some blunt object to get what she wants. I'd told myself that one more time, and I'd just say "Yeah, okay. It's probably better this way." and be done with this shit. So, it's been six or more months since she's brought it up, for better or for worse. I still can't help but feel this is the beginning of the end. I'm still trying to process how I feel about this whole move, whether I want to, whether I can, and what my options really are.

I can understand your wife's sentiment that she shares with a lot of US citizens who want to leave the US at this point. I would probably feel the same. But if all the good people leave the country now, because they have to deal with that lunatic Trump for a few years, I don't think it's a reasonable position. I know I can say that so easily because I don't live there. But really it boils down to waiting out over there right now, sadly.

Also it's great that you live and work in the same city. Also holding a job for more than 6 months looks better on your CV. It is kind of hard to explain to a potential new employer in an interview, why you are leaving this situation. Because they will ask about that short time span. So for your career it might not be the best move.

I don't know how far Canada is away from you but if everything else fails, what stops her from going there for two years and then you two can visit on weekends and holidays. It's long distance and not great but if she has her heart on going there and you have yours on staying then I see no better option.

One question I have is, why is the move an investment only on you? Wouldn't you two be sharing the costs of that?

About divorce being brought up and growing apart. I want to ask when she usually brings up divorce? During a fight? Just casually? When she feels depressed? The timing is very important. But the fact that it is (or has been) on her mind so much already... I am not sure, but I would find it worrying. Then again, I am in a very unstable marriage situation myself right now so I am probably not the best judge on that.

But just summarizing all my thoughts, probably the best thing you can do is, sit her down over dinner or something, and talk everything through with her. All your thoughts and worries about it and see what she has to say.

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21-10-2017, 01:16 PM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
Hug

Emotional blackmail is awful.

By doing this emotional blackmail with divorce, she's actually saying if you took the bait or grew weary, "you decided to end our marriage, not me." That's her validation. It doesn't matter how many times she mentioned it and it doesn't matter how long you stayed with her or you both stayed together. She gets to wear the badge of "He just said he was leaving and it was over." and you instantly become the bad person.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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21-10-2017, 01:48 PM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
I’m truly sorry you’re going through this.

Moms mentioned emotional blackmail and I think she’s dead on. One possibility is to have that sit down LeeRob mentioned and ask point blank, “Do you want a divorce?”.

Chances are the question will be flipped back at you, “Do you?” Insist on her answering first so you don’t end up being the bad guy. If she says no, and you still want in then you guys really need to consider marriage counseling. If she says, “I don’t know”, marriage counseling as well. If she says yes, then I don’t know how you can recover from that.

That you love her family should not come into play on which way this goes. I assume you don’t live with them so the day to day dynamics don’t change. If you have strong bonds they’ll survive. One of my best friends has had a 30 year friendship with his sister’s ex-husband. He seldom sees the sister and stays in constant contact with the ex-brother-in-law.

With the kids that’s another whole ball of wax but what Anjele says rings true, “kids really do need to see a healthy marriage much more than they need to be the reason two people stay together.”

About that fear you feel, completely understandable. No doubt you have already played out in your mind what your life without her will be like. If you can’t fathom it then there is your answer.

I think you should write down points to discuss and hash it out. Bring up the religion thing, bring up everything you can think of, seems to me now is the time for both of you to show all your cards and air it all out. I hope some of what I say helps because I would really like to see you get past this.

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
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21-10-2017, 02:05 PM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
I would go in a heart beat.

Embarking on a new venture together usually ends up either pulling you closer together or pushing you farther apart.

So, you get resolution and you get a new experience you might enjoy very much.

Beats dangling and not knowing. And adventures are always good. If it ends up not working, you can go back home to your folks and you'll have had an interesting journey in Canada.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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21-10-2017, 02:05 PM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
1: Hug

2: As an American I don't want to move anywhere other than away.

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