Wife wants to move to Canada
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21-10-2017, 05:59 PM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(20-10-2017 07:51 AM)Reducetarian Wrote:  Canada will solve all your problems.

(just kidding)

But seriously, it sounds like your wife is searching for a solution to an undefined problem. I agree that individual and/or couples therapy could definitely help define the problem, and start you on a path to finding a solution, especially if the problem is related to ill-defined or unfullfilled expectations, in her life or in your marriage.

Also, she should definitely get a physical checkup to ensure there aren't biological reasons for her feeling low: perimenopause (up to 10 years prior to menopause) can cause havoc with hormone levels and can present as mild (but infuriating) depressive symptoms.

Keep in mind that immigrating anywhere is quite stressful, and that if you're experiencing problems in your relationship, this kind of stress will not help.

Good luck!

Hypothyroidism can contribute to depressive symptoms too. I know at least for me, when my meds need upping, I tend to feel down much more often. Not super-depressed like I was during the darkest parts of my life, but definitely not my usual self.

Anyway, I'm so sorry to hear this, Rob. Hug Sad

I know when things were bad with my ex-husband, I thought that moving to town might help. We lived out in the country (I'd always lived out in the country) and I wanted to live in town, closer to work and shops, etc. - and I thought that, even though I wasn't happy with my ex, that maybe if I had something I wanted - living in town - that that could be enough.

It wasn't. I hope it won't be the same for you. Divorce sucks. I am much happier now, of course, and it was the right decision for me to get the divorce but they're very difficult.

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24-10-2017, 08:33 AM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
Thanks everyone. I've been a bit busy over the long weekend and haven't really had time to catch up on the thread.

My wife said she is open to counseling, but we haven't yet set anything up for that. We did spend a significant chunk of time on Saturday discussing our feelings on the whole thing, and I did mention starting this thread. One thing that will make this whole thing a lot better is if I can continue working at my current job, remotely. If that works out, then I lose the fear of what I'm going to do while in BFE for two years and I'll know I have a job I like when I come back. I approached my boss about it, and he seems open to the idea, but he has to talk to the head of IT. If I can do that, I actually don't mind going.


(20-10-2017 03:45 PM)Anjele Wrote:  First I think I would get her to a doctor and get the depression under control.

She had gone once, was put on anti-depressants, and stopped taking them when the bottle ran out. She said they didn't seem to be helping, and they made her much more sleepy, which made the problems worse. She hasn't actually had a sit-down with a psychiatrist, though.


(21-10-2017 12:54 PM)Leerob Wrote:  One question I have is, why is the move an investment only on you? Wouldn't you two be sharing the costs of that?

I didn't mean a financial investment; I meant more in terms of all of the other stuff we'd be giving up. She'd be going to do a thing she wants to do, whereas I'd be going somewhere unfamiliar after giving up a job I like and moving away from friends.


(21-10-2017 12:54 PM)Leerob Wrote:  About divorce being brought up and growing apart. I want to ask when she usually brings up divorce? During a fight? Just casually? When she feels depressed? The timing is very important. But the fact that it is (or has been) on her mind so much already... I am not sure, but I would find it worrying. Then again, I am in a very unstable marriage situation myself right now so I am probably not the best judge on that.

Lately, it's when I show too much reluctance about the move. Prior to that, it was any time our religious differences welled up too much for her. And all of that part is really on her. It's not like I've spent any time trying to talk her down from her beliefs, or anything. It just bothers her, and she wants me to go to church on Sundays and basically not tell our girls until they're in confirmation. She's a smart person, and I'm certain she knows that if the belief system is presented to our daughters as "optional", there's a much better chance that the girls will reject it. Our older daughter has already gotten to the age where she realizes certain parts of Christianity are pretty sketchy. I like how one day, after asking a bunch of questions about Santa (and trying to set up a testable scenario to see if he's real), she asked me "what about God"? She already sees the parallels of the magical, nonfalsifiable claims.
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24-10-2017, 12:10 PM (This post was last modified: 24-10-2017 12:17 PM by BikerDude.)
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
OK it pays to read your entire post.
I can't speak to your personal problems but I'm betting that you all will love Canada.
Go for it.
You might give something up but you'll gain a lot.
Canada has a much higher quality of life according to the UN.
I believe it came in second this year?
But it depends on where you are. I was in Ottawa and it's a great city.

My wife is a believer and I couldn't give one half a damn.
It's her thing.
But with her I can joke about it so it's not so serious.
I'm basically surrounded by believers but I can just wave my hand and say "what a bunch of crap. Get out of the way of the ballgame."
All the inlaws and friends know that I don't have half a second to waste on mumbo jumbo so it doesn't come up.

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24-10-2017, 12:26 PM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
Didn't Canada implement a travel ban on Americans shortly after Trump was elected? Tongue

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24-10-2017, 12:29 PM (This post was last modified: 24-10-2017 12:36 PM by BikerDude.)
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(24-10-2017 12:26 PM)Popeyes Pappy Wrote:  Didn't Canada implement a travel ban on Americans shortly after Trump was elected? Tongue

They actually did come out with a message for Americans thinking of moving to Canada cautioning that they should make sure they know what to expect.
I actually loved Canada and didn't really know what to expect.
I found that it was not all that different in terms of the good stuff and it has way less of the bad stuff.




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24-10-2017, 12:34 PM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
Where exactly is she planning to move to in Ontario?
Does she have a job offer, or in-demand specialty?
I ask because teachers here, while relatively well-paid, often need to work "supply" or as substitute teachers for a few years before landing a full-time job.
Also, I hope she's pro-union, because the Ontario Teachers Federation is one of the largest and most powerful unions around.
Being a Catholic is actually a plus if you want to be an Ontario teacher because you can apply for more jobs. Ontario has four types of K-12 schools, all paid in full by the Ontario government:
  • English Catholic
  • English public
  • French Catholic
  • French public
As far as I know, you don't have to be super Catholic (or even practicing) to work for a Catholic school board, just not be TOO vocal about abortion rights, gay marriage etc. in the classroom. It's a very fine line to tread.
Catholic schools in Ontario, because they are paid for by the provincial government, have become much more liberal than their American counterparts. (at least that was the case when my kids went to Catholic schools in the mid-2000s). Religion is taught, but it's an increasingly watered-down version of Catholicism, and other religious traditions are taught as well (Grade 10).
Still, the atmosphere is different. Catholic schools are less accepting of diversity than public schools.

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24-10-2017, 12:50 PM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
Very scary times.

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24-10-2017, 12:54 PM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(24-10-2017 12:34 PM)Reducetarian Wrote:  Where exactly is she planning to move to in Ontario?

What she wants to do is go for their Teach for Canada program that places people in First Nations reservations. It'd probably be somewhere in northern Ontario. They apparently have trouble getting people who want to do this long-term.


(24-10-2017 12:34 PM)Reducetarian Wrote:  Does she have a job offer, or in-demand specialty?
I ask because teachers here, while relatively well-paid, often need to work "supply" or as substitute teachers for a few years before landing a full-time job.

She doesn't have the offer yet. We've basically cleared their first level of checks.

She's well aware of needing to sub for quite a while before teaching regularly. She said that if we instead moved to a larger city to find software developing work for me, she'd likely get stuck subbing. She also said she'd have an easier time getting a full-time teaching job elsewhere in Canada if she's worked in the Teach for Canada program for a term or two.


(24-10-2017 12:34 PM)Reducetarian Wrote:  Also, I hope she's pro-union, because the Ontario Teachers Federation is one of the largest and most powerful unions around.

She's extremely pro-union. It's part of why she stopped teaching in Michigan; they made teacher's unions optional in an attempt to cut the legs out from under them.
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24-10-2017, 01:43 PM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
If she intends to work in a First Nations reserve, well, that may be a very tall order for your family. Seriously.

Canada's treatment of indigenous peoples is definitely our nation's most shameful legacy, and these complicated issues are far from being resolved; this will not be an easy teaching assignment in any way.

Don't discount the isolation and culture shock of living "on reserve". Not to mention the high cost of living up North and the effects of being surrounded by third-world poverty, as well as the significant social problems this entails (including high rates of substance abuse, domestic violence and suicide)

Also, like all other teachers in Ontario, she will be mandated to teach the horrific role that the Catholic Church played in residential schools and the '60s scoop. But unlike other teachers, she will be teaching this to children whose families have been most affected by these policies. If that doesn't shake her faith, nothing will; it could set her right into a tailspin as to the validity of that institution. It certainly contributed to my atheism.

Don't get me wrong: it's an incredible opportunity to learn about different indigenous cultures and to bridge the gap between two worlds, but it's a VERY tall order and would take a VERY strong and resilient person to face and adapt to that reality.

Best wishes and good luck

Your faith is not evidence, your opinion is not fact, and your bias is not wisdom
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24-10-2017, 05:18 PM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(24-10-2017 12:54 PM)RobbyPants Wrote:  What she wants to do is go for their Teach for Canada program that places people in First Nations reservations. It'd probably be somewhere in northern Ontario. They apparently have trouble getting people who want to do this long-term.

Oh god no!

There is a very good reason that they can''t keep qualified people on those reserves.

Reducetarian is right. Our treatment of aboriginal people is one of Canada's great shames. I've worked in some of the reserves and I honestly can't express the horror adequately.

Her colleagues are likely to be fellow idealists who will be rapidly and brutally disillusioned, desperately trying to escape, or the dregs that cannot find employment anywhere else. Her students will be suffering from FAS, substance abuse, physical and sexual abuse, and inbreeding. No, I am not joking about any of that in the slightest. She can expect to lose at least one student a semester to suicide, overdose or violence.

Add to that the glory that is Canadian winter. The sun rises at 9 AM and sets at 4 PM. You go to work in the dark and come home in the dark. All of this on top of depression is the devil's own brew. If she is set on doing this then she should arrange to job shadow on one of the reserves for a week or so. Preferably in the depths of winter.

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