Wife wants to move to Canada
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24-10-2017, 05:48 PM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(20-10-2017 06:41 AM)RobbyPants Wrote:  Ever since November, my wife has wanted to move to Canada. I understand her sentiment; she doesn't feel like this country really reflects her values and would rather go somewhere more aligned with them. The problem is, everything I know and care about is here. I just started a new job less than six months ago that I really like. It's the first time in nine years that I work and live in the same city.

I'm still trying to sort out how I feel about everything and how I want to proceed. She isn't planning on permanently moving there (or at least, that's the plan now), but she wants to do a two year teaching stint there. Part of my worry about this (apart from the obvious "zomg pick up everything and move!") is that she's been rather depressed for the last few years, and I think she's searching for things to fix this. She's frequently undergone some rather major life changes (several of which were supposed to help), and this has persisted. So, I have no real reason to believe that "pick up everything and go to Canada" is going to fix anything, and it's a big investment on my part to run through this experiment. One potential bright light at the end of the tunnel is that I might be able to work remote and keep my job, but I'm not holding my breath on that one.

She and I have been growing apart for years, occasionally interspersed with periods of partially coming back together. Those periods have always felt temporary. This really started when I stopped believing, nearly seven years ago. She never took it well, and begrudgingly tolerates it, now. Several times over the last few years, she's brought up divorce, and each time, I've acquiesced to whatever brought it up. After that last time, I kind of felt like... it was the last time. Like, I'd just gotten sick of having divorce brought up, potentially to be used as some blunt object to get what she wants. I'd told myself that one more time, and I'd just say "Yeah, okay. It's probably better this way." and be done with this shit. So, it's been six or more months since she's brought it up, for better or for worse. I still can't help but feel this is the beginning of the end. I'm still trying to process how I feel about this whole move, whether I want to, whether I can, and what my options really are.

It sounds like the long-delayed beginning of the end to me. You have been staving it off, but it may be time to let it go. You will be happier (voice of experience) but she may never be.
What she wants to do by moving is a "geographical cure".
They don't work because wherever you go, there you are. You have all they same baggage, garbage bags full of bad choices, wrong turns, unhappiness, dissatisfaction, depression, delusion, ...

On the other hand, Canada is nice. Yes

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25-10-2017, 07:17 AM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
Well, fuck.
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25-10-2017, 07:18 AM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(25-10-2017 07:17 AM)RobbyPants Wrote:  Well, fuck.

You can’t just leave it like that! What happened?

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25-10-2017, 07:59 AM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(25-10-2017 07:18 AM)Full Circle Wrote:  You can’t just leave it like that! What happened?

Just reading the prior three posts. I had an idea what we'd be signing up for, but I probably underestimated the severity of it.
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25-10-2017, 03:25 PM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
Moving to Canada would be one thing. The short winter days might be an issue but other than that you'd likely be fine. Get out for an hour or two a day and all the light reflected off the snow will keep you stocked up on vitamin D. The north can be quite beautiful if you can tolerate the cold.

The reserves are a whole different matter. They vary quite a bit but the isolated ones are, generally, pretty horrible. The only ways in or out are commonly logging road, ice road or aircraft. Services are limited and you will likely need satellite internet to work remotely. The social problems are horrific. They have a hard time keeping police, much less doctors, nurses or teachers.

You and your wife really need to visit one of these places before you commit to that. One of the remote ones. Everything else aside, I cannot see that environment being healthy for her.

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25-10-2017, 03:34 PM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(25-10-2017 07:59 AM)RobbyPants Wrote:  Just reading the prior three posts. I had an idea what we'd be signing up for, but I probably underestimated the severity of it.

True Story: In Canada, aboriginals are eligible for free health care above and beyond what other Canadians already get. I knew one woman who would give her son peanut butter to trigger an anaphylactic reaction so that she could get a free ambulance ride to buy booze. Everybody knew. The police, the medics, the social workers. Nobody could do anything and few cared to try.

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29-10-2017, 02:57 PM (This post was last modified: 29-10-2017 03:18 PM by Deltabravo.)
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(20-10-2017 06:41 AM)RobbyPants Wrote:  Ever since November, my wife has wanted to move to Canada. I understand her sentiment; she doesn't feel like this country really reflects her values and would rather go somewhere more aligned with them. The problem is, everything I know and care about is here. I just started a new job less than six months ago that I really like. It's the first time in nine years that I work and live in the same city.

I'm still trying to sort out how I feel about everything and how I want to proceed. She isn't planning on permanently moving there (or at least, that's the plan now), but she wants to do a two year teaching stint there. Part of my worry about this (apart from the obvious "zomg pick up everything and move!") is that she's been rather depressed for the last few years, and I think she's searching for things to fix this. She's frequently undergone some rather major life changes (several of which were supposed to help), and this has persisted. So, I have no real reason to believe that "pick up everything and go to Canada" is going to fix anything, and it's a big investment on my part to run through this experiment. One potential bright light at the end of the tunnel is that I might be able to work remote and keep my job, but I'm not holding my breath on that one.

She and I have been growing apart for years, occasionally interspersed with periods of partially coming back together. Those periods have always felt temporary. This really started when I stopped believing, nearly seven years ago. She never took it well, and begrudgingly tolerates it, now. Several times over the last few years, she's brought up divorce, and each time, I've acquiesced to whatever brought it up. After that last time, I kind of felt like... it was the last time. Like, I'd just gotten sick of having divorce brought up, potentially to be used as some blunt object to get what she wants. I'd told myself that one more time, and I'd just say "Yeah, okay. It's probably better this way." and be done with this shit. So, it's been six or more months since she's brought it up, for better or for worse. I still can't help but feel this is the beginning of the end. I'm still trying to process how I feel about this whole move, whether I want to, whether I can, and what my options really are.

As a Canadian myself, I'd be concerned... Canada is no different from the USA. It's just colder. The culture is identical with a few differences; less crime, fewer guns, fewer people of color, more mooses. It's also very big, which means that, in reality, it's just 12 or so cities which are so far apart from each other, that they might as well be in different countries. So, you have to decide which city you are moving to and why. Prairie cities are incredibly dull and isolating. You can find enough to do in places like Calgary, Edmonton, Regina to keep you busy for about a week, then it dries up and you have to get used to watching a lot of TV and snow falling outside the window. Vancouver is nice and is close to the US. Toronto is bigger with much more to do but there's nothing outside of Toronto of any interest. No mountians, sea...just flatlands until you hit the trees, then just...trees. Such boredom makes it more important that you're in a good relationship. I found it incredibly hard to develop relationships in Toronto. I grew up in Alberta and it was a religious, ultra-conservative backwater, and although there are mountains, you can't ski when it's 30 below, which is most of the time. Frankly, living in most of Canada is a bit like being locked in the meat freezer of your local supermarket.

I would suggest you look at it from a practical and philosophical point of view. First, it may be that this tests your relationship. The move may be her way of wanting out, and putting you in a position where you have to decide, because she doesn't have the courage to say she wants out. You should be very careful, I think, about sacrificing your job if it is the case that she is doing this because she isn't committed to the marriage. Moving to Canada isn't going to make things better. If anything, I would think it would make things worse, because of your differences on the subject. Being philosophical, you could just let her go there. You might feel bad about the end of a relationship but you could cheer yourself up by thinking that you are where you want to be and she is living in a frozen, sub-arctic wasteland.

PS. I was trying to be humorous. I moved around a lot. I moved once thinking my wife would come...she didn't. It's painful but in some ways, if a marriage does break down, it's less painful if one of you does move away, because it makes for a more clean break and allows you to get on with your life rather than constantly going over it in your mind and thinking you could have done something different. Best wishes.
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29-10-2017, 02:57 PM (This post was last modified: 29-10-2017 03:15 PM by Deltabravo.)
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
duplicate deleted
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17-11-2017, 07:29 AM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
Time will tell, but this might be the beginning of the end. She spent the night at her parent's, last night, after we were talking about this. We don't really have a good chance to talk until tomorrow night.
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17-11-2017, 07:58 AM
RE: Wife wants to move to Canada
(17-11-2017 07:29 AM)RobbyPants Wrote:  Time will tell, but this might be the beginning of the end. She spent the night at her parent's, last night, after we were talking about this. We don't really have a good chance to talk until tomorrow night.

*hugs*

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