Write your own bible story!
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31-05-2012, 08:04 AM
Write your own bible story!
I have an interesting thought experiment/game for all of you!

What if you rewrote the bible to contain modern morals? Creative crossovers with other gods? You can be serious or fun, anything is game! It can also be a parable of some sort, rather than a story if you want.

I'll start it off with a story from the hidden book of the bible, Kaos.

"Kaos 14:27-40 - It has been said by your God, do not worship any other gods. Thus, it has been decreed and must be followed. Pasta is forbidden in the lands of judea, for it is written that pasta is the food of the heathens and blasphemers, who you should abhor. The Lord, your God, commands that you abstain from the motion picture "Thor" for it depicts false gods. Eschew all that your God has commanded you from. For it is better to avoid the pleasures of life in hopes that the Lord, your God, will reward you with free movies in heaven. The popcorn is not free."
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31-05-2012, 09:01 AM (This post was last modified: 31-05-2012 09:08 AM by robotworld.)
RE: Write your own bible story!
Stories from the Asylum - Chapter 1

Modern Parables from JESUS CHRIST

Jesus and his disciples are out camping in a forest, after a tiring day's work of preaching to the crowd and escaping from fanatical fans of his teachings. Jesus sat down, and told the disciples a story.

The Hypocrite

There was once an old man who was walking in a park, when suddenly he tripped over a stone and fell to the ground. The old man, frail and weak, started to call for help. Just then, another man came by, a Republican. This man is a god fearing individual, who aimed to help everyone by spreading the word of God. Naturally, his first question to the old man was "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour?" The old man, silenced from his searing pain, did not answer the man. The Republican assumed the answer to be no and proceeded to exclaim the helpful deeds of Jesus while the old man cried in pain. Some time later, a gay couple walked by the scene, and immediately, one of them extended his hand to help the old man. The Republican smacked away the helpful person's hand and started denouncing the evils of homosexuality. The couple ignored the Republican, helped the old man up, and promptly left.
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The disciples of Jesus gathered closer around him, and Jesus said "Guys, give me more space before I tell you another bedtime story, OK?" The disciples obeyed, and Jesus said to them,


The Bribe
In the kingdom of birds, there lived a King of Birds, who ruled every bird across the kingdom. In this kingdom, there was a peacock and a sparrow. Both birds loved helping other people, and these two birds are known across the lands as the most helpful birds in the kingdom. They are respected everywhere they go, and the peacock and sparrow are great friends, talking about current affairs over a cup of bird nest's soup and some sunflower cakes. One day, the King of Birds demanded to see the peacock and the sparrow, to reward their good deeds. The sparrow received a huge basket of seeds and a certificate of appreciation, while the peacock only received the certificate. The peacock felt this was unfair, and said "Your majesty, I have done my share of good deeds throughout my stay in this kingdom, the amount which is equal to that of my friend, the sparrow. I would wish to inquire with regards to the reward I received compared to that of my friend's". The King replied "Oh you vain, fluffy bird. Through my magical crystal ball I see your thoughts. You helped others so that you could get recognition and fame. Your friend, the sparrow, is different. His kindness comes from the depths of his heart, and he did good for the sake of doing good, without a single shred of desire for recognition and fame. Learn from your lesson, peacock, and come back once you have done so."

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Most of the disciples are asleep at this moment, except Judas, who saw a big meteor and was busy making a wish on how he could influence the course of history through his deeds. Jesus saw Judas, still awake, and beckoned him to come closer. "Judas, I would wish to ask a favor from you." "What is it, my Lord?" Judas asked. And Jesus told him a story,

The Forsaken

The distant future, where the world is ruined by face-hugging aliens invading Earth. A group of surviving scientists are in a bunker, discussing on how to stop the aliens. "All our weaponry have been exhausted, there is no hope left!" one exclaimed in despair. The others nodded solemnly in unison, seemingly accepting their inevitable fate. "But wait, what about the time machine? We can use it to stop this invasion from happening!" "Well, we need to convince the entire human race to abandon a policy which lead to this... horrible consequence." "That trend? Unless... we rewrite history all together, such that this policy is abhorred at first thought." "We need someone to travel back in time, and influence the course of history. This is a one-way trip, but for the sake of the future and humanity, any volunteers." The room feel silent, and the scientist who proposed this said: "Fine, I shall go. Wish me luck." The scientist entered the time portal, and vanished. He will be cursed by history for what he has done, but he has done it for a greater good, to save the future and humanity as a whole. He sacrificed himself. He is Adolf Hitler, genius quantum biologist on a mission.

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Judas, thought for a while, and silently nodded. "Thank you." Jesus said. Judas went to bed, with tears trickling down his cheek. His wish has been granted.

Welcome to science. You're gonna like it here - Phil Plait

Have you ever tried taking a comfort blanket away from a small child? - DLJ
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31-05-2012, 01:27 PM (This post was last modified: 31-05-2012 01:32 PM by Carlo_The_Bugsmasher_Driver.)
RE: Write your own bible story!
Well, I can recite the Lord's Prayer in Ebonics

Yo, Big Daddy Upstairs,
Yu be Chillin'.
So be yo 'hood.
Yu be sayin' in, I be doin' it.
In this here 'hood and yos.
Gimme some eats.
And cut me some slack, Blood.
So I be doin it to dem that dis.
And don't be pushin' me into no jive.
And keep dem Crips away.
'Cause Yu always be da Man.
Amen.

"IN THRUST WE TRUST"

"We were conservative Jews and that meant we obeyed God's Commandments until His rules became a royal pain in the ass."

- Joel Chastnoff, The 188th Crybaby Brigade
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02-06-2012, 10:21 PM
RE: Write your own bible story!
This story was cut from the Bible by Constantine, consequently causing people to incorrectly believe that Satan brought Jesus into the desert to tempt him for 40 days and nights, when in actuality this is what happened.

Book of Buddy
2:17 And Satan led Jesus to the appointed location in the desert and issued forth a battle challenge to the heavens.
2:18 A whirlwind of fire descended from above and began to take the form of Jehovah, Lord of Lords.
2:19 "Reveal your true self, coward!" shouted Lucifer.
2:20 God issued forth a booming laughter that shook the mountains and trembled the earth. He then pulled off his mask and revealed himself as Ares, Lord of Wars.
2:21 And all the behaviors of the God of the Old Testament made sense to Jesus of Nazareth. He began weeping for the deceit of mankind.
2:22 Lucifer, bringer of light, turned to Jesus and handed him a morningstar with the power of 1000 suns. "Dispatch him and take his place as the true Lord."
2:23 And Jesus and Ares battled in that desert for 40 days and 40 nights until Ares was smote down and cast into a lake of fire.
2:24 And Jesus turned to Lucifer and instructed him, "Go, and reign over this kingdom of fire. You alone must keep Ares in his fiery prison."
2:25 And from that day forward, Jesus no longer spoke to a false god, but became God himself.

"Ain't got no last words to say, yellow streak right up my spine. The gun in my mouth was real and the taste blew my mind."

"We see you cry. We turn your head. Then we slap your face. We see you try. We see you fail. Some things never change."
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03-06-2012, 12:14 AM
RE: Write your own bible story!
This.

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"Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind." -John F Kennedy

The way to see by Faith is to shut the eye of Reason.” -Benjamin Franklin

It has been a long time. How have you been?
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03-06-2012, 04:26 AM (This post was last modified: 03-06-2012 04:35 AM by PeterKA.)
RE: Write your own bible story!
Not sure if the Bible cant be considered satire on its own, but here goes
-

And the Lord did punish Onan for spilling his seed upon the ground. For it was the Lord's house, and Onan was staying in the guest room partaking of the free wi-fi, and verily he had not used the kleenex.
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There was a rich man who had two sons. The elder was a hard worker, most honoring of his father and not invited to many parties. The younger was a wastrel and a drunkard, and verily he had many friends. One day the younger came unto his Father and said 'Father, you are old and have not many seasons remaining. Can I take what will be due to me now as this will avoid the need for me to pay inheritance tax?' The Father replied ' My son I know you owe much coin to the dealer from Cali. Here take your money and do what you will' And so the son did take his money and spent many years partaking of the most magnificent strippers. One day the old man did see his son on the horizon and ran towards him. The son was most distressed saying 'The bitch and her lawyer did partake of my fortune and now I am left without'. Adding 'Father, do you have any spare coin?' To which his Father responded 'My son, my son. I will take you unto my bosom and love you like the good father I am until the day I pass away. Now get a job you little shit'
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And the Lord did inscribe 6 tablets, each containing 5 commandments, which he instructed Moses to carry back down the mountain to read to his followers. For verily did they contain the 30 lessons that would help his chosen people lead a life of piety and grace, and guaranteed their entry into his kingdom. And Moses said 'WTF Lord? These tablets must weigh 50 pounds each and I am not your bitch. You are the lord, omnipotent and powerful. Cant you just have them waiting for me at the bottom. Here, Ill just take the top two and come back with a cart for the others'. And the lord did agree that this made more sense. Moses took the two tablets and made his way to the bottom of the mount, but when he arrived he found that his people had organized a huge party to which he was not invited as they thought him to be a bit of a dick. And Moses was much aggrieved and took an axe to the sound system and the lights. The next morning he surveyed what he had wrought and thought 'Fuck it. If these geniuses cant figure out to be nice to the gays without it being written down, there's no helping them' And he did not return to the top of the mount

The secret to a happy life is lowering your expectations to the point where they are already met
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03-06-2012, 05:48 AM
RE: Write your own bible story!
(03-06-2012 04:26 AM)PeterKA Wrote:  And the Lord did inscribe 6 tablets, each containing 5 commandments


But sir, it was 3 tablets, each with 5. You are a heretic.




Insufferable know-it-all.Einstein
Those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music - Friedrich Nietzsche
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03-06-2012, 07:00 AM
RE: Write your own bible story!
(03-06-2012 05:48 AM)Bucky Ball Wrote:  
(03-06-2012 04:26 AM)PeterKA Wrote:  And the Lord did inscribe 6 tablets, each containing 5 commandments


But sir, it was 3 tablets, each with 5. You are a heretic.

I am in China and cannot see the video as youtube is blocked here. Is this the Family guy one?

The secret to a happy life is lowering your expectations to the point where they are already met
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03-06-2012, 07:10 AM
RE: Write your own bible story!
(03-06-2012 07:00 AM)PeterKA Wrote:  I am in China and cannot see the video as youtube is blocked here. Is this the Family guy one?


Mel Brooks. Tongue

Insufferable know-it-all.Einstein
Those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music - Friedrich Nietzsche
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03-06-2012, 07:15 AM
RE: Write your own bible story!
(03-06-2012 07:00 AM)PeterKA Wrote:  
(03-06-2012 05:48 AM)Bucky Ball Wrote:  But sir, it was 3 tablets, each with 5. You are a heretic.

I am in China and cannot see the video as youtube is blocked here. Is this the Family guy one?
http://www.hidemyass.com

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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