Write your own bible story!
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
03-06-2012, 07:43 AM
RE: Write your own bible story!
(03-06-2012 04:26 AM)PeterKA Wrote:  Not sure if the Bible cant be considered satire on its own, but here goes
-

And the Lord did punish Onan for spilling his seed upon the ground. For it was the Lord's house, and Onan was staying in the guest room partaking of the free wi-fi, and verily he had not used the kleenex.
-

There was a rich man who had two sons. The elder was a hard worker, most honoring of his father and not invited to many parties. The younger was a wastrel and a drunkard, and verily he had many friends. One day the younger came unto his Father and said 'Father, you are old and have not many seasons remaining. Can I take what will be due to me now as this will avoid the need for me to pay inheritance tax?' The Father replied ' My son I know you owe much coin to the dealer from Cali. Here take your money and do what you will' And so the son did take his money and spent many years partaking of the most magnificent strippers. One day the old man did see his son on the horizon and ran towards him. The son was most distressed saying 'The bitch and her lawyer did partake of my fortune and now I am left without'. Adding 'Father, do you have any spare coin?' To which his Father responded 'My son, my son. I will take you unto my bosom and love you like the good father I am until the day I pass away. Now get a job you little shit'
-

And the Lord did inscribe 6 tablets, each containing 5 commandments, which he instructed Moses to carry back down the mountain to read to his followers. For verily did they contain the 30 lessons that would help his chosen people lead a life of piety and grace, and guaranteed their entry into his kingdom. And Moses said 'WTF Lord? These tablets must weigh 50 pounds each and I am not your bitch. You are the lord, omnipotent and powerful. Cant you just have them waiting for me at the bottom. Here, Ill just take the top two and come back with a cart for the others'. And the lord did agree that this made more sense. Moses took the two tablets and made his way to the bottom of the mount, but when he arrived he found that his people had organized a huge party to which he was not invited as they thought him to be a bit of a dick. And Moses was much aggrieved and took an axe to the sound system and the lights. The next morning he surveyed what he had wrought and thought 'Fuck it. If these geniuses cant figure out to be nice to the gays without it being written down, there's no helping them' And he did not return to the top of the mount
Brilliant! I love it!
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
25-10-2012, 11:52 PM
RE: Write your own bible story!
For God so loved the world that he gave his only forgotten bun, that whoever eats it shall not perish but have eternal wi-fi.

- Johnnie 3:16

No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Jersey Shore.

- T-Shirts 6:24

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him except for homeless children, abused sheep, single mothers and those fuckers across the sea who he thoust spawn wars in his name.

- Ego 11:6
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like kpax's post
26-10-2012, 12:06 AM (This post was last modified: 26-10-2012 12:27 AM by Logisch.)
RE: Write your own bible story!
That was the moment when dumbledore realized goliath had been wronged. So he cast ressurectus animatus on goliath and brought him back to life. Goliath walked back to david's house and beat the fuck out of that SOB. Goliath was sad though and was now a zombie, he would have to live out his life in exile as no one would love him since he was now a member of the undead. Goliath was ok with this, because he got revenge on the little guy after he shot him in the face with a rock. Satan came to Goliath in the middle of the night and invited him to join the dark brotherhood. We never heard from goliath ever again, but some say he roams the night, searching for contracts from the night mother.
Untold secrets 8:15

And god said, "Go forth my child and have sex with some angels, because they're so purdy. But not to animals, because that's probably not good." Prophecisticles 1:5

On the 8th day god woke up and realized he completely realized it was all just a dream within a dream within a dream. So he made up a story about the other 6 days and him resting on the 7th day. Incepticon 6:66

Then someone came up and saw the stone was removed from the tomb of jesus. They said, "FUCK, this is so not good. Looks like some burglars rolled back the stone and fed his body to wolves! This is so bad, his parents are gonna be piiiiiiissed!" Whoops 5:6

Let not the man who sayeth he is this do that but then that do this and then it did it when the thing had the do it when it did. Super-psalms 1:337
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Logisch's post
26-10-2012, 12:09 AM
RE: Write your own bible story!
In a few thousand years, there's going to be some dude telling you about all sorts of crazy things, like that you're elect and don't have to do anything to get in heaven. Yeah, don't listen to that guy.
2 Prophecies 7:16

[Image: 7oDSbD4.gif]
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 4 users Like Vosur's post
26-10-2012, 12:22 AM (This post was last modified: 26-10-2012 12:49 AM by Logisch.)
RE: Write your own bible story!
After they had committed their acts of slavery in the name of the lord, showers of golden rain fell upon them. "LOOK!" they said, "The lord shines upon us the signs that we have done his will! He shines gold upon us!" ID 10T 7:56

And Jesus said, "Read all of these stories, and whatever soundeth good, thou shalt cherry pick in your best interest. Whoever shall believeth in me will live forever, so long as you cherrypick this entire book and be a dickhead to all of mankind in my name. Also, you should tell everyone you're being persecuted if they disagree with you... and fuck the haters, be rude to them, covet your neighbors stuff, be a hypocrite... and above all.... just repent and it'll be fine." Real talk 8:4

And god said, "Dear people. You're far too stupid to understand things right now, so I'm going to endorse primitive things like what you can eat and do, and slavery and such. Don't worry because someday you'll progress morally and we'll just put allllll of this behind us. After all, by that point, you'll be able to know that I don't really hate gay people, slavery or primitive moral ideas. You guys can handle that... right?" Mankind future teachings 1:1

And god realized that mankind was pretty stupid and was fucking up pretty bad. So he decided to impregnate someone randomly who was still a virgin, make himself the baby who would grow up so he could be persecuted and indoctrinate some people along the way and eventually sacrifice himself so he could ultimately make some sort of symbolism with bread and wine and sacrifice himself for the sins of others.... instead of doing it in any other possible way that could possibly make sense. It was the ultimate sacrifice, because he was himself sacrificing himself... yep. Real talk 9:15

Then god said, "And ye shall wear torture devices around your neck to show you're a real christian. You'd better listen to some christian music too and buy lots of christian toys. Don't forget to put one of those damn fish things on your car otherwise if you get in an accident I may not realize you were a good guy and send you to hell, because it's hard to tell without one of those on your minivan." Some commandments 8:88

God was really angry that she turned around. He turned her to a pillar of salt. No one could see god though since he's mysterious and all, and secretly is a spirit guinea pig and started licking the pillar of salt as soon as their backs were turned. The angel warned them... she was now god's salt lick. Real Talk 9:7

It was at that moment jesus cast magic missle at the darkness. Someone asked, "Where is the mountain dew?" and jesus realized..... they were out. Lan Party 7:7

But god wanted mankind to use his free will so badly that he made sure that the entire book didn't correct any of the incorrect references to how the universe really worked... so that someday, mankind would have a hell of a time really understanding what all that shit meant. So god made light before the light source so people could be really confused by that. God and science 5:6
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Logisch's post
26-10-2012, 12:31 AM
RE: Write your own bible story!
Genesis 1
Beavis and Butthead Version (BBV)

The Beginning

1 Like in the beginning like God created the he-he-heavens and the earth and stuff. 2 Spirit of God was hovering over the waters like some creepy guy out of the shadows. yeah...heeeheee uuug heeehhhuuh

3 And God said, “Let there be chicks!,” and there was chicks....yeah! chicks!. 4 God saw that chicks was good, uuuuuh and he separated the chicks from the darkness. 5 God called the chicks “come here chicks,” and the darkness he called “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day then God got a special star that day from the teacher for knowing the difference like uh. yeah. Chicks.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like kpax's post
26-10-2012, 12:48 AM
RE: Write your own bible story!
On the fifth day, god confusingly made a lot of creatures along with mankind... he then made man's dna conveniently similar to that of apes, and made their dna share other dna in common with other common ancestors. He conveniently left out all explanations as to why and then put some bones in the ground to confuse the fuck out of people and test their faith, but wouldn't actually mention that he would do such a thing. He then made sure man had the capacity to be smart as fuck and think about things... and knew he would ultimately eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge because he knew everything, but acted surprised when they actually ate the damn fruit. He also made harmful elements that women would eventually inject into their faces in the future to try and look pretty and also made sure man was intelligent enough to someday put implants in their breasts to manipulate their sexual attraction levels. He did it all because he knows everything but didn't expect it to turn out this way... so he also acted surprised when mankind made him mad again, so he made some dudes live really long and sent a flood to act angry because he knew it would happen obviously. God trolled man 13:37
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Logisch's post
26-10-2012, 12:51 AM
RE: Write your own bible story!
God trolled man LOL
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
26-10-2012, 03:48 PM
RE: Write your own bible story!
And God said unto Satan "Hey Satan, check this out. I'm gonna drop a tree right in the middle of it and tell them 'Thou shalt not eat from this tree!'"

And Satan said unto the Lord "Dude, sometimes you can be a real dick" and immediately regretted making his feelings known.

God then said unto Satan "I made you and I can unmake you!" Satan then sulked back down into his cave under the earth and cried himself to sleep.

Genesis 2:0

He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy! -Brian's mum
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Cardinal Smurf's post
26-10-2012, 08:23 PM
RE: Write your own bible story!
" Jesus gathered them together and said " I want y'all to listen real well...I don't want there to end up being four versions of this..."
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 4 users Like Mark Fulton's post
Post Reply
Forum Jump: