Write your own bible story!
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27-10-2012, 06:03 AM
RE: Write your own bible story!
In the beginning there was light, then the Republicans came.

The End
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27-10-2012, 09:41 AM
RE: Write your own bible story!
In the beginning the earth was round!!!!

Member of the Cult of Reason

The atheist is a man who destroys the imaginary things which afflict the human race, and so leads men back to nature, to experience and to reason.
-Baron d'Holbach-
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27-10-2012, 10:27 AM
RE: Write your own bible story!
"It was in the eighth hour of the fifteenth day of the forty-second week that John left his people. His people John left, for his people were without food. And his people asked him, 'John, why are we without food. Find us some food for we are hungry.'
So it came that when John left his people to look for food, for his people were hungry, the Lord appeared unto John as a pillar of great smoke.
And the Lord spake unto John, 'Fear not John, for I am with you always. Your enemies will tremble before me, for I come as a pillar of black smoke. They shall know my presence by the sound of a roaring lion, and trees shall be cast forth at my movement. I shall dash thine enemies against the trees, and against the rocks shall I spill their blood.'
And the Lord told John, 'You are my chosen one. You shall lead your people to salvation, and at the Temple you will reveal my glory and righteousness to your people.'
And so it came to pass that evening, John returned to his people with wild boar provided by the Lord that they may eat and not go hungry that day.
And when his people asked about the wild boar provided to him John responded, 'Fear not, for the Lord watcheth over us and protects us. We shall not want or go hungry or wander lost. Everything happens for a reason.' "
-John Locke, Season2/Episode13

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27-10-2012, 11:29 PM
RE: Write your own bible story!
What a fun topic!

Thaddeus 5:10-16

And Jesus said unto them, "You know not when the Messiah shall come. His coming shall be like the arrival of an exceedingly great king wearing rags. You shall see him as a hobo, despite the crown. You shall give him pocket change which he shall spend on wine, and it shall come to pass that he will pee on your sandals."

And the disciples marveled, and asked Jesus "What does this mean?" And Jesus shrugged and replied, "I know not. Let's leave that to the apologists."

My girlfriend is mad at me. Perhaps I shouldn't have tried cooking a stick in her non-stick pan.
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29-10-2012, 06:13 AM
RE: Write your own bible story!
I rushed through the first 3 chapters of the CEV to get a feel of the writing conventions and basic plot points of an Old testament story, see how I did:

God looked to the south of Cannan to Amathen, son of Leham. He came to Amathen and said, 'Build me an altar so that you may worship me and prove your dedication to me. Amathen and his sons went to work on on the altar and spent seven years building it. They took stone from the west and wood from the surrounding forest. They did not use tools or goods bought from traders, for this would be an affront to the Lord. After the seven years pasts the altar was complete and Amathen and his family celebrated. On the night of celebration Amathen became drunk and shameful, and shattered the rams horn that sat upon the altar. He and his sons drank more and began singing praise to the gods worshipped by the men in the north. When the sun rose the next day and the lord saw what Amathen had done he was filled with a great anger. The lord brought thunder and winds from the east in retribution for Amathen's wrongs and spoke harsh words to him. 'You have defiled my most sacred of places and made a mockery of my glory. You have shown me a great disrespect and must be punished' said the lord. Amathen, being a devout and holy man in his heart knew that he must make recompense for his wrong doing. He took the largest shard of the broken rams horn and castrated himself on the top the altar in sacrifice to the lord. Amathen cried to the lord 'I have shamed myself and bough shame to a place of your worship my lord, and so I forfeit my right to bear anymore sons'. The lord saw this and was satisfied. He said to Amathen “May you never again bear a son, and may all your sons who live take upon them a new name so that your name may never be recorded again' And so the descendants of Amathen took the name of Palios after a great city to the west and never again recorded the name Amathen in their histories.

Its only after trying to write some of this crap do I appreciate how awfully written it is. Bloody good thought exercise Kaos MD.

"Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do"
-Bill Bailey
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29-10-2012, 12:02 PM
RE: Write your own bible story!
And The Lord said unto the man and woman, "behold the tree of knowledge, and freely take from it the fruit and eat the fruit and drink the juice of the fruit, for knowledge is good".

And man and woman ate the fruit and drank the juice of the fruit and found that knowledge and learning set them free, and they alone were responsible to use knowledge wisely and justly, and for the benefit of future generations.
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29-10-2012, 12:09 PM
RE: Write your own bible story!
(31-05-2012 09:01 AM)robotworld Wrote:  Stories from the Asylum - Chapter 1

Modern Parables from JESUS CHRIST

Jesus and his disciples are out camping in a forest, after a tiring day's work of preaching to the crowd and escaping from fanatical fans of his teachings. Jesus sat down, and told the disciples a story.

The Hypocrite

There was once an old man who was walking in a park, when suddenly he tripped over a stone and fell to the ground. The old man, frail and weak, started to call for help. Just then, another man came by, a Republican. This man is a god fearing individual, who aimed to help everyone by spreading the word of God. Naturally, his first question to the old man was "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour?" The old man, silenced from his searing pain, did not answer the man. The Republican assumed the answer to be no and proceeded to exclaim the helpful deeds of Jesus while the old man cried in pain. Some time later, a gay couple walked by the scene, and immediately, one of them extended his hand to help the old man. The Republican smacked away the helpful person's hand and started denouncing the evils of homosexuality. The couple ignored the Republican, helped the old man up, and promptly left.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The disciples of Jesus gathered closer around him, and Jesus said "Guys, give me more space before I tell you another bedtime story, OK?" The disciples obeyed, and Jesus said to them,


The Bribe
In the kingdom of birds, there lived a King of Birds, who ruled every bird across the kingdom. In this kingdom, there was a peacock and a sparrow. Both birds loved helping other people, and these two birds are known across the lands as the most helpful birds in the kingdom. They are respected everywhere they go, and the peacock and sparrow are great friends, talking about current affairs over a cup of bird nest's soup and some sunflower cakes. One day, the King of Birds demanded to see the peacock and the sparrow, to reward their good deeds. The sparrow received a huge basket of seeds and a certificate of appreciation, while the peacock only received the certificate. The peacock felt this was unfair, and said "Your majesty, I have done my share of good deeds throughout my stay in this kingdom, the amount which is equal to that of my friend, the sparrow. I would wish to inquire with regards to the reward I received compared to that of my friend's". The King replied "Oh you vain, fluffy bird. Through my magical crystal ball I see your thoughts. You helped others so that you could get recognition and fame. Your friend, the sparrow, is different. His kindness comes from the depths of his heart, and he did good for the sake of doing good, without a single shred of desire for recognition and fame. Learn from your lesson, peacock, and come back once you have done so."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Most of the disciples are asleep at this moment, except Judas, who saw a big meteor and was busy making a wish on how he could influence the course of history through his deeds. Jesus saw Judas, still awake, and beckoned him to come closer. "Judas, I would wish to ask a favor from you." "What is it, my Lord?" Judas asked. And Jesus told him a story,

The Forsaken

The distant future, where the world is ruined by face-hugging aliens invading Earth. A group of surviving scientists are in a bunker, discussing on how to stop the aliens. "All our weaponry have been exhausted, there is no hope left!" one exclaimed in despair. The others nodded solemnly in unison, seemingly accepting their inevitable fate. "But wait, what about the time machine? We can use it to stop this invasion from happening!" "Well, we need to convince the entire human race to abandon a policy which lead to this... horrible consequence." "That trend? Unless... we rewrite history all together, such that this policy is abhorred at first thought." "We need someone to travel back in time, and influence the course of history. This is a one-way trip, but for the sake of the future and humanity, any volunteers." The room feel silent, and the scientist who proposed this said: "Fine, I shall go. Wish me luck." The scientist entered the time portal, and vanished. He will be cursed by history for what he has done, but he has done it for a greater good, to save the future and humanity as a whole. He sacrificed himself. He is Adolf Hitler, genius quantum biologist on a mission.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Judas, thought for a while, and silently nodded. "Thank you." Jesus said. Judas went to bed, with tears trickling down his cheek. His wish has been granted.

Those are great!
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29-10-2012, 09:01 PM
RE: Write your own bible story!
(29-10-2012 06:13 AM)Dunhill808 Wrote:  I rushed through the first 3 chapters of the CEV to get a feel of the writing conventions and basic plot points of an Old testament story, see how I did:

God looked to the south of Cannan to Amathen, son of Leham. He came to Amathen and said, 'Build me an altar so that you may worship me and prove your dedication to me. Amathen and his sons went to work on on the altar and spent seven years building it. They took stone from the west and wood from the surrounding forest. They did not use tools or goods bought from traders, for this would be an affront to the Lord. After the seven years pasts the altar was complete and Amathen and his family celebrated. On the night of celebration Amathen became drunk and shameful, and shattered the rams horn that sat upon the altar. He and his sons drank more and began singing praise to the gods worshipped by the men in the north. When the sun rose the next day and the lord saw what Amathen had done he was filled with a great anger. The lord brought thunder and winds from the east in retribution for Amathen's wrongs and spoke harsh words to him. 'You have defiled my most sacred of places and made a mockery of my glory. You have shown me a great disrespect and must be punished' said the lord. Amathen, being a devout and holy man in his heart knew that he must make recompense for his wrong doing. He took the largest shard of the broken rams horn and castrated himself on the top the altar in sacrifice to the lord. Amathen cried to the lord 'I have shamed myself and bough shame to a place of your worship my lord, and so I forfeit my right to bear anymore sons'. The lord saw this and was satisfied. He said to Amathen “May you never again bear a son, and may all your sons who live take upon them a new name so that your name may never be recorded again' And so the descendants of Amathen took the name of Palios after a great city to the west and never again recorded the name Amathen in their histories.

Its only after trying to write some of this crap do I appreciate how awfully written it is. Bloody good thought exercise Kaos MD.

Yeah, the bible isn't written in a way that could be read for enjoyment. As Mark Twain said, it's chloroform in print.

My girlfriend is mad at me. Perhaps I shouldn't have tried cooking a stick in her non-stick pan.
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