(Yet Another) Situation with My Mom
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27-09-2016, 09:19 AM
(Yet Another) Situation with My Mom
So my mom tried to get a family reunion trip together earlier this summer, but because reservations weren't made early enough, her plans fell through. And honestly I was relieved. But we'll get back to that in a sec.

My mom is nearing 60 and she is the youngest of her siblings. After my dad died, they all came down to attend the funeral and to support their baby sister. Once the funeral was over and done and everyone had gone home, she started talking about how her siblings and their husbands or wives were getting older and how she wanted to visit with them again - have a real get-together - before it was too late to do so.

So right away, the situation I found myself in was not wanting to go to this thing that was clearly very important to my mom - the only parent I have left. Things didn't pan out, though, and I was spared for a little while of having to think about it too much.

Fast forward to this month and my mom brought it up again and is definitely trying to get on the ball for getting things reserved for next summer. A trip to Arkansas, renting a lodge/cabin type thing and staying for 3 days.

The problem is, 3 days could turn out to be a never-ending hell for me.

What's bad is that my mom's side of the family is actually the side I always preferred. I love my dad very much, but honestly his side of the family was much more of a pain. Mostly because of his brother's wife. Of course now I enjoy seeing his brothers (my uncles) because they are a small link to my dad. But as a kid, the visits with my dad's side of the family were dreaded while visits with my mother's family were much more cherished. I had a lot of cousins on that side that I enjoyed spending time with.

They'd all come down from Kansas and Arkansas and Mississippi and we'd fill up my granny's old trailer house and sit around and play cards - peanuts or Uno, usually. Sometimes rummy. My mom's brother would do the same magic "trick" over and over where it appeared he was tugging his finger in half. My cousins from Kansas were older and cooler (I thought) and one time when they came down we spent our time outside shoving firecrackers in ant mounds. And then once, we went up to Kansas to visit them and my brother and I rode around with them (they were in their teens) and listened to bands I'd never heard of before, like Nirvana. Heh, and there was that time when I guess I was running around like crazy at their house and banged my nose up against their couch. First time I'd ever had a nosebleed. I almost forgot about that. Tongue

But amid all these fond memories, there are others that I'm not all that fond of anymore. And it's the religious stuff.

I never knew my maternal grandfather. He died from a heart attack before I was born. Same way my dad went, though my dad was a little younger. Anyway, what I do know of my mom's father, I know via her stories about him. He moved them around constantly when she was a kid and she hated that, and he was never good with money, but from what I'm told he had a great sense of humor and was a very committed christian. In fact, her father moved the whole family here to Texas from Arkansas to follow a pastor. My mom was a teen then and so many of her siblings had already started their own lives back in Arkansas or elsewhere.

Point is, this was a very religious family. I always saw it as a good thing but now I see it as one of the most horrible things about my family. I'm getting stressed just thinking about it, but when we weren't all playing Uno or blowing up ant mounds, my mom and her siblings were singing in church, or we were going to church, or religious stuff was being talked about. It was a big part of what kept the family together, I think.

So here I am and my mom is wanting me and my kids to go off to Arkansas for 3 days and all I can think is which family is going to be there? Is it going to be just Uno and whatnot? Or is the religious bs going to come up? It's bound to come up. There's no way it won't. I just don't see how it won't.

And so I'm thinking I can't go and deal with that, and I don't want to go and deal with that. But it's important to my mom and I think the kids would like to go. My mom offered to pay for lodging expenses for me and the kids but of course, if Rev were to go along, I'd need to pay half. It was her way of trying to "punish" me if Rev dared to join us. Which, after she made it so abundantly clear how much she wants him to be there ( Dodgy ) he of course doesn't want to. Probably would not have wanted to go as it was, but that was the icing on the cake.

I'm wondering why I'm even feeling bad about not wanting to go when she does this passive-aggressive bullshit to me. I'm wondering how do I tell her I don't want to go. I'm wondering who all will be there. Will my cousin, who is suspected of being gay be there? 'Cause if he's not going to be there (and I wouldn't blame him as his father purportedly said he'd disown him if he were indeed gay) then I shouldn't be there, either.

The religion thing (my lack of it, their abundance of it) is just too big an obstacle, I think. And maybe it is me doing that. I admit that if I feel a lack of harmony in a group, I am miserable. I can feel it in my bones that I am not a part of them anymore. I'll stick out like a sore thumb or a black sheep.

Jesus, I know I've rambled but I just don't know what to do. Lord knows she'll end up crying and trying to guilt me into going. But should I be guilted into going? She is the only parent I have left. Maybe I should go just because of that. But on the other hand, how can I go when it is very likely to make me miserable?

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27-09-2016, 09:35 AM
RE: (Yet Another) Situation with My Mom
Aww...hugs...

You've got to do what's best for you and your kids. If three days is truly too much to handle, then don't go.

Whatever you decide, don't let your mom guilt, shame or passively aggressively, make you feel you've got no options except to do what she wants or the way she wants it.

I think it's pretty shitty too that she's not accepting Rev...I'm not saying she should pay for him, but to so blantently exclude him is quite rude.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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27-09-2016, 10:14 AM
RE: (Yet Another) Situation with My Mom
Just say no.

Really.

The only thing preventing that is you.

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
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27-09-2016, 11:23 AM
RE: (Yet Another) Situation with My Mom
(27-09-2016 09:35 AM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Aww...hugs...

You've got to do what's best for you and your kids. If three days is truly too much to handle, then don't go.

Whatever you decide, don't let your mom guilt, shame or passively aggressively, make you feel you've got no options except to do what she wants or the way she wants it.

I think it's pretty shitty too that she's not accepting Rev...I'm not saying she should pay for him, but to so blantently exclude him is quite rude.

Yeah the hurtful part was that, by saying it the way she did, she made it clear she doesn't want him going along. Basically hey if you want to come free, don't bring him. Sad

Three days wouldn't be so bad if I could guarantee that the religious stuff wouldn't come up. But if it did, I'm afraid I'll be stressed out and miserable. And the odds are, based on who these people are, that it'll definitely come up. And they're having it at some kind of damn church camp, ffs. Facepalm

(27-09-2016 10:14 AM)Chas Wrote:  Just say no.

Really.

The only thing preventing that is you.

Yeah, I know. I want to be able to say no and her not whine or cry about it. I hate dealing with that bs from her. And I'll feel I need to explain the reasons I don't want to go and then she'll come up with reasons why those are invalid excuses.

The only thing I can think of that might could be fun is to (if the kids want to go) send the kids on with my mom and then me and Rev take my car and do a fun trip of our own and maybe meet my mom and the kids on their way back from Arkansas or else just swing by and say hi to everyone while they're still there and then leave.

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27-09-2016, 11:40 AM
RE: (Yet Another) Situation with My Mom
The other thing that sucks is that this situation makes it clear to me that my mom would never approve of anyone I was with. Rev has been nothing but kind and polite to her and it just doesn't amount to a hill of beans with her. I've had so much personal growth in large part due to this relationship but even that is not enough.

I swear once I no longer depend on her to help me with my kids, I'm breaking it off. Undecided

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27-09-2016, 12:22 PM
RE: (Yet Another) Situation with My Mom
(27-09-2016 11:40 AM)Escape Artist Wrote:  The other thing that sucks is that this situation makes it clear to me that my mom would never approve of anyone I was with. Rev has been nothing but kind and polite to her and it just doesn't amount to a hill of beans with her. I've had so much personal growth in large part due to this relationship but even that is not enough.

I swear once I no longer depend on her to help me with my kids, I'm breaking it off. Undecided

Hug


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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27-09-2016, 12:36 PM
RE: (Yet Another) Situation with My Mom
I feel your stress.

If you refuse to go, and you have your valid personal reasons, then the only people who'll have a problem is other people. And if they do have a problem, then it's up to them to sort out.

You have to be true to yourself first—and if you're not, then all is lost.

—Good luck. Smile

I'm a creationist... I believe that man created God.
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27-09-2016, 12:56 PM
RE: (Yet Another) Situation with My Mom
(27-09-2016 09:19 AM)Escape Artist Wrote:  So my mom tried to get a family reunion trip together earlier this summer, but because reservations weren't made early enough, her plans fell through. And honestly I was relieved. But we'll get back to that in a sec.

My mom is nearing 60 and she is the youngest of her siblings. After my dad died, they all came down to attend the funeral and to support their baby sister. Once the funeral was over and done and everyone had gone home, she started talking about how her siblings and their husbands or wives were getting older and how she wanted to visit with them again - have a real get-together - before it was too late to do so.

So right away, the situation I found myself in was not wanting to go to this thing that was clearly very important to my mom - the only parent I have left. Things didn't pan out, though, and I was spared for a little while of having to think about it too much.

Fast forward to this month and my mom brought it up again and is definitely trying to get on the ball for getting things reserved for next summer. A trip to Arkansas, renting a lodge/cabin type thing and staying for 3 days.

The problem is, 3 days could turn out to be a never-ending hell for me.

What's bad is that my mom's side of the family is actually the side I always preferred. I love my dad very much, but honestly his side of the family was much more of a pain. Mostly because of his brother's wife. Of course now I enjoy seeing his brothers (my uncles) because they are a small link to my dad. But as a kid, the visits with my dad's side of the family were dreaded while visits with my mother's family were much more cherished. I had a lot of cousins on that side that I enjoyed spending time with.

They'd all come down from Kansas and Arkansas and Mississippi and we'd fill up my granny's old trailer house and sit around and play cards - peanuts or Uno, usually. Sometimes rummy. My mom's brother would do the same magic "trick" over and over where it appeared he was tugging his finger in half. My cousins from Kansas were older and cooler (I thought) and one time when they came down we spent our time outside shoving firecrackers in ant mounds. And then once, we went up to Kansas to visit them and my brother and I rode around with them (they were in their teens) and listened to bands I'd never heard of before, like Nirvana. Heh, and there was that time when I guess I was running around like crazy at their house and banged my nose up against their couch. First time I'd ever had a nosebleed. I almost forgot about that. Tongue

But amid all these fond memories, there are others that I'm not all that fond of anymore. And it's the religious stuff.

I never knew my maternal grandfather. He died from a heart attack before I was born. Same way my dad went, though my dad was a little younger. Anyway, what I do know of my mom's father, I know via her stories about him. He moved them around constantly when she was a kid and she hated that, and he was never good with money, but from what I'm told he had a great sense of humor and was a very committed christian. In fact, her father moved the whole family here to Texas from Arkansas to follow a pastor. My mom was a teen then and so many of her siblings had already started their own lives back in Arkansas or elsewhere.

Point is, this was a very religious family. I always saw it as a good thing but now I see it as one of the most horrible things about my family. I'm getting stressed just thinking about it, but when we weren't all playing Uno or blowing up ant mounds, my mom and her siblings were singing in church, or we were going to church, or religious stuff was being talked about. It was a big part of what kept the family together, I think.

So here I am and my mom is wanting me and my kids to go off to Arkansas for 3 days and all I can think is which family is going to be there? Is it going to be just Uno and whatnot? Or is the religious bs going to come up? It's bound to come up. There's no way it won't. I just don't see how it won't.

And so I'm thinking I can't go and deal with that, and I don't want to go and deal with that. But it's important to my mom and I think the kids would like to go. My mom offered to pay for lodging expenses for me and the kids but of course, if Rev were to go along, I'd need to pay half. It was her way of trying to "punish" me if Rev dared to join us. Which, after she made it so abundantly clear how much she wants him to be there ( Dodgy ) he of course doesn't want to. Probably would not have wanted to go as it was, but that was the icing on the cake.

I'm wondering why I'm even feeling bad about not wanting to go when she does this passive-aggressive bullshit to me. I'm wondering how do I tell her I don't want to go. I'm wondering who all will be there. Will my cousin, who is suspected of being gay be there? 'Cause if he's not going to be there (and I wouldn't blame him as his father purportedly said he'd disown him if he were indeed gay) then I shouldn't be there, either.

The religion thing (my lack of it, their abundance of it) is just too big an obstacle, I think. And maybe it is me doing that. I admit that if I feel a lack of harmony in a group, I am miserable. I can feel it in my bones that I am not a part of them anymore. I'll stick out like a sore thumb or a black sheep.

Jesus, I know I've rambled but I just don't know what to do. Lord knows she'll end up crying and trying to guilt me into going. But should I be guilted into going? She is the only parent I have left. Maybe I should go just because of that. But on the other hand, how can I go when it is very likely to make me miserable?

Hug

And buy this book, if you don't have it. It helped ma a lot.

https://www.google.com/search?q=the+art+...8&oe=utf-8
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27-09-2016, 06:33 PM
RE: (Yet Another) Situation with My Mom
(27-09-2016 12:56 PM)Fireball Wrote:  
(27-09-2016 09:19 AM)Escape Artist Wrote:  So my mom tried to get a family reunion trip together earlier this summer, but because reservations weren't made early enough, her plans fell through. And honestly I was relieved. But we'll get back to that in a sec.

My mom is nearing 60 and she is the youngest of her siblings. After my dad died, they all came down to attend the funeral and to support their baby sister. Once the funeral was over and done and everyone had gone home, she started talking about how her siblings and their husbands or wives were getting older and how she wanted to visit with them again - have a real get-together - before it was too late to do so.

So right away, the situation I found myself in was not wanting to go to this thing that was clearly very important to my mom - the only parent I have left. Things didn't pan out, though, and I was spared for a little while of having to think about it too much.

Fast forward to this month and my mom brought it up again and is definitely trying to get on the ball for getting things reserved for next summer. A trip to Arkansas, renting a lodge/cabin type thing and staying for 3 days.

The problem is, 3 days could turn out to be a never-ending hell for me.

What's bad is that my mom's side of the family is actually the side I always preferred. I love my dad very much, but honestly his side of the family was much more of a pain. Mostly because of his brother's wife. Of course now I enjoy seeing his brothers (my uncles) because they are a small link to my dad. But as a kid, the visits with my dad's side of the family were dreaded while visits with my mother's family were much more cherished. I had a lot of cousins on that side that I enjoyed spending time with.

They'd all come down from Kansas and Arkansas and Mississippi and we'd fill up my granny's old trailer house and sit around and play cards - peanuts or Uno, usually. Sometimes rummy. My mom's brother would do the same magic "trick" over and over where it appeared he was tugging his finger in half. My cousins from Kansas were older and cooler (I thought) and one time when they came down we spent our time outside shoving firecrackers in ant mounds. And then once, we went up to Kansas to visit them and my brother and I rode around with them (they were in their teens) and listened to bands I'd never heard of before, like Nirvana. Heh, and there was that time when I guess I was running around like crazy at their house and banged my nose up against their couch. First time I'd ever had a nosebleed. I almost forgot about that. Tongue

But amid all these fond memories, there are others that I'm not all that fond of anymore. And it's the religious stuff.

I never knew my maternal grandfather. He died from a heart attack before I was born. Same way my dad went, though my dad was a little younger. Anyway, what I do know of my mom's father, I know via her stories about him. He moved them around constantly when she was a kid and she hated that, and he was never good with money, but from what I'm told he had a great sense of humor and was a very committed christian. In fact, her father moved the whole family here to Texas from Arkansas to follow a pastor. My mom was a teen then and so many of her siblings had already started their own lives back in Arkansas or elsewhere.

Point is, this was a very religious family. I always saw it as a good thing but now I see it as one of the most horrible things about my family. I'm getting stressed just thinking about it, but when we weren't all playing Uno or blowing up ant mounds, my mom and her siblings were singing in church, or we were going to church, or religious stuff was being talked about. It was a big part of what kept the family together, I think.

So here I am and my mom is wanting me and my kids to go off to Arkansas for 3 days and all I can think is which family is going to be there? Is it going to be just Uno and whatnot? Or is the religious bs going to come up? It's bound to come up. There's no way it won't. I just don't see how it won't.

And so I'm thinking I can't go and deal with that, and I don't want to go and deal with that. But it's important to my mom and I think the kids would like to go. My mom offered to pay for lodging expenses for me and the kids but of course, if Rev were to go along, I'd need to pay half. It was her way of trying to "punish" me if Rev dared to join us. Which, after she made it so abundantly clear how much she wants him to be there ( Dodgy ) he of course doesn't want to. Probably would not have wanted to go as it was, but that was the icing on the cake.

I'm wondering why I'm even feeling bad about not wanting to go when she does this passive-aggressive bullshit to me. I'm wondering how do I tell her I don't want to go. I'm wondering who all will be there. Will my cousin, who is suspected of being gay be there? 'Cause if he's not going to be there (and I wouldn't blame him as his father purportedly said he'd disown him if he were indeed gay) then I shouldn't be there, either.

The religion thing (my lack of it, their abundance of it) is just too big an obstacle, I think. And maybe it is me doing that. I admit that if I feel a lack of harmony in a group, I am miserable. I can feel it in my bones that I am not a part of them anymore. I'll stick out like a sore thumb or a black sheep.

Jesus, I know I've rambled but I just don't know what to do. Lord knows she'll end up crying and trying to guilt me into going. But should I be guilted into going? She is the only parent I have left. Maybe I should go just because of that. But on the other hand, how can I go when it is very likely to make me miserable?

Hug

And buy this book, if you don't have it. It helped ma a lot.

https://www.google.com/search?q=the+art+...8&oe=utf-8

I'll have to check it out. Smile Thanks for the rec.

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27-09-2016, 07:25 PM
RE: (Yet Another) Situation with My Mom
If you allow her to browbeat you this time it will happen again and again. Sooner or later you will have to assert yourself.

Atheism is NOT a Religion. It's A Personal Relationship With Reality!
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