You can't choose your family...
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14-04-2014, 09:26 AM
You can't choose your family...
... but you can choose to not associate with them.

This past weekend, I got into a screaming match with one of my relatives. It got ugly and heated and I ended up storming out.

The argument was about things that she has said and done to disrespect me and others in the family. I have repeatedly, politely, made me views on certain activities abundantly clear. The last time I said anything I stated that the conversation was over and that any further pushing would be met with being told to fuck off. She pushed, I told her to fuck off. Now she'd demanding that I give her an apology for doing exactly as I said I would do. Not gonna fucking happen. When she demanded the apology, my vision went red and my fists balled up. I had to leave to avoid punching her. She still insists that she has done nothing wrong and demands an apology for standing up for myself.

So, since she's the de facto matriarch of our family and all family functions happen at her house, I am no longer comfortable going to any get togethers. This has added to my anger and sadness.

I know that I am not in the wrong here, but years of guilt trips and manipulative behavior have caused that little voice in the back of my head to nag me about talking back to an elder.

Thanks for reading my rant. Just needed to vent a bit.

Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up.

"Let me give you some advice, bastard: never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you." - Tyrion Lannister
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14-04-2014, 09:31 AM
RE: You can't choose your family...
Sorry about that. Family sucks sometimes Hug

I hope you find a way to be around each other still, if you've got decent family members that also attend functions at her house. It'd be hard to be shut out completely, I think.

Atheism is the only way to truly be free from sin.
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14-04-2014, 09:32 AM
RE: You can't choose your family...
You don't deserve to be manipulated like that. If there was a way to rationalize with some people, the world would be better but some people cannot be reasoned with. If this person means a lot to you, maybe suggest a mediator like a cousler to work out some issues. Good luck!
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14-04-2014, 09:35 AM
RE: You can't choose your family...
(14-04-2014 09:31 AM)Colourcraze Wrote:  Sorry about that. Family sucks sometimes Hug

I hope you find a way to be around each other still, if you've got decent family members that also attend functions at her house. It'd be hard to be shut out completely, I think.

Hug

Thanks. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do. I always attend family events, even purely religious ones, just to see my family and spend some time with loved ones. I have no idea how my family is going to take this schism, though. I hope that they'll be willing to meet up with me other places and times. I really love most of my family, they're good people who have been there for me when I needed it, but I can not tolerate my aunt's behavior any longer.

Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up.

"Let me give you some advice, bastard: never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you." - Tyrion Lannister
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14-04-2014, 09:36 AM
RE: You can't choose your family...
Ouch that really sucks. I am sorry, I know it can be frustrating Hug

Make sure to find ways to spend time with the test of your family for sure.
and more hugs Hug Hug

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14-04-2014, 09:47 AM
RE: You can't choose your family...
I can relate, I've had to do it with my mother and my uncle... we still dont talk.

Stick to your guns because people like that wont change. And never apologise for something you feel you were right about.

Thats one of the problems with manipulative people, if you apologise, they become bolder in there abuse in time.

Your right, you cant choose family, but you sure can tell em to fuck off. Thumbsup

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14-04-2014, 09:57 AM
RE: You can't choose your family...
(14-04-2014 09:36 AM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  Ouch that really sucks. I am sorry, I know it can be frustrating Hug

Make sure to find ways to spend time with the test of your family for sure.
and more hugs Hug Hug

Thanks. Hugs are always appreciated.

Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up.

"Let me give you some advice, bastard: never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you." - Tyrion Lannister
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14-04-2014, 10:01 AM
RE: You can't choose your family...
(14-04-2014 09:47 AM)War Horse Wrote:  I can relate, I've had to do it with my mother and my uncle... we still dont talk.

Stick to your guns because people like that wont change. And never apologise for something you feel you were right about.

Thats one of the problems with manipulative people, if you apologise, they become bolder in there abuse in time.

Your right, you cant choose family, but you sure can tell em to fuck off. Thumbsup

I know, and that's why I finally had to put my foot down and say "no more".

I just have this nagging voice in the back of my head that says that I'm a bad nephew for cussing her out. I know that what I did was harsh but necessary, but being raised to never ever question or talk back to my elders still affects me.

Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up.

"Let me give you some advice, bastard: never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you." - Tyrion Lannister
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14-04-2014, 10:20 AM
RE: You can't choose your family...
At the risk of going against the grain (I've been bored with the forum lately so what the hell) I would like to ask a hypothetical question: If you warned her once before that if she persued this conversation again you would beat her to within an inch of her life, and then she brought up the conversation again, and you beat her to within an inch of her life, would you be justified just because you said you would do it?

"Officer, you can't arrest me for assault and attempted murder because I told her I would do it if she pissed me off again!"

Just because you said you would do something as a result of another catalyst doesn't make what you did right. I would apologize for the "fuck off" and then avoid her at all costs since this person clearly gives you HBP. In the end, it's family and a finite time on this planet. I have had plenty of heated debates and tears on their side have been spilled, but we still love each other and found a way to work around it for the most part.

Just my two cents.

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14-04-2014, 10:27 AM
RE: You can't choose your family...
(14-04-2014 10:20 AM)WillHopp Wrote:  At the risk of going against the grain (I've been bored with the forum lately so what the hell) I would like to ask a hypothetical question: If you warned her once before that if she persued this conversation again you would beat her to within an inch of her life, and then she brought up the conversation again, and you beat her to within an inch of her life, would you be justified just because you said you would do it?

"Officer, you can't arrest me for assault and attempted murder because I told her I would do it if she pissed me off again!"

Just because you said you would do something as a result of another catalyst doesn't make what you did right. I would apologize for the "fuck off" and then avoid her at all costs since this person clearly gives you HBP. In the end, it's family and a finite time on this planet. I have had plenty of heated debates and tears on their side have been spilled, but we still love each other and found a way to work around it for the most part.

Just my two cents.

I get what you're saying, but I don't think it's applicable here. What you are talking about is justifying something illegal that could permanently disable someone. Not even remotely close to the same thing as telling someone to fuck off and being done with them.

I'd agree with you on the last part, but it wasn't just one time. This has been an ongoing and constant issue for years now. In the past, I've simply either let it slide, or tried to play diplomat and find a workable solution. Each and every time, it emboldened her more and made her more vocal and self righteous.

It's like WH said. You can't give in to people like that, even a little. I have been exceedingly polite to her in the past and she continued to push the issue. No amount of polite responses seemed to penetrate her self absorbed shield of sanctimony. I've had it, and I'm done. There's not a chance in hell that I'll be apologizing for finally standing up for myself.

Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up.

"Let me give you some advice, bastard: never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you." - Tyrion Lannister
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