You can't choose your family...
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
14-04-2014, 10:30 AM
RE: You can't choose your family...
Hug

The requirement of evidence to back your claim does not disappear because it hurts your feelings, reality does not care about your feefees.
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Blackhand293's post
14-04-2014, 10:35 AM
RE: You can't choose your family...
(14-04-2014 10:27 AM)itsnotmeitsyou Wrote:  
(14-04-2014 10:20 AM)WillHopp Wrote:  At the risk of going against the grain (I've been bored with the forum lately so what the hell) I would like to ask a hypothetical question: If you warned her once before that if she persued this conversation again you would beat her to within an inch of her life, and then she brought up the conversation again, and you beat her to within an inch of her life, would you be justified just because you said you would do it?

"Officer, you can't arrest me for assault and attempted murder because I told her I would do it if she pissed me off again!"

Just because you said you would do something as a result of another catalyst doesn't make what you did right. I would apologize for the "fuck off" and then avoid her at all costs since this person clearly gives you HBP. In the end, it's family and a finite time on this planet. I have had plenty of heated debates and tears on their side have been spilled, but we still love each other and found a way to work around it for the most part.

Just my two cents.

I get what you're saying, but I don't think it's applicable here. What you are talking about is justifying something illegal that could permanently disable someone. Not even remotely close to the same thing as telling someone to fuck off and being done with them.

I'd agree with you on the last part, but it wasn't just one time. This has been an ongoing and constant issue for years now. In the past, I've simply either let it slide, or tried to play diplomat and find a workable solution. Each and every time, it emboldened her more and made her more vocal and self righteous.

It's like WH said. You can't give in to people like that, even a little. I have been exceedingly polite to her in the past and she continued to push the issue. No amount of polite responses seemed to penetrate her self absorbed shield of sanctimony. I've had it, and I'm done. There's not a chance in hell that I'll be apologizing for finally standing up for myself.

Fair enough. You can see why I used an extreme case, though, to make a point. It's one thing to stand up for yourself, it's another to say you're right because you said you would do something as a consequence and then did it. You stood up for yourself before you cussed her out, and that's what I'm addressing.

The fact that you stormed out spoke volumes, and the fact that you defended yourself spoke volumes, the cussing was superfluous and almost self-fulfillingly righteous, if that makes sense. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great you defended yourself and your views, but the high road is so much more fulfilling upon reflection and usually condescension is met with regret when hindsight is used.

I hope you're OK with the decision a week from now, a month from now and a year from now. No one said to apologize for defending yourself, I merely said I would apologize for the cussing. The other shit was perfectly vindicated.

Check out my now-defunct atheism blog. It's just a blog, no ads, no revenue, no gods.
----
Atheism promotes critical thinking; theism promotes hypocritical thinking. -- Me
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
14-04-2014, 10:37 AM
RE: You can't choose your family...
give it a week to cool off.

then try formulating a plan. Don't try coming up with a plan till you have had time to cool off....give it a couple of days.

Then I would send her a message, whether its email, text, phone, whatever. And tell her that you would like to find a way to get along, but she needs to agree that certain topics are just going to create problems and are better left alone. If she can agree, then offer up apologies (I would expect her to be apologizing to you too). If she can't, then you have your answer.

go to her house and know she's going to bring it up or just stay home and find other ways to meet with family members.

In the end, when others ask, you can tell them that you genuinely & sincerely tried to find a solution but she wasn't agreeable to it. If they know her.....then they also know how she behaves and there won't be any surprises.

Whether you see other family members outside of your aunts home depends on the effort YOU put into it. Since you aren't gathering with the others, it will be up to you to put in the extra effort.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Bows and Arrows's post
14-04-2014, 10:50 AM
RE: You can't choose your family...
(14-04-2014 10:35 AM)WillHopp Wrote:  
(14-04-2014 10:27 AM)itsnotmeitsyou Wrote:  I get what you're saying, but I don't think it's applicable here. What you are talking about is justifying something illegal that could permanently disable someone. Not even remotely close to the same thing as telling someone to fuck off and being done with them.

I'd agree with you on the last part, but it wasn't just one time. This has been an ongoing and constant issue for years now. In the past, I've simply either let it slide, or tried to play diplomat and find a workable solution. Each and every time, it emboldened her more and made her more vocal and self righteous.

It's like WH said. You can't give in to people like that, even a little. I have been exceedingly polite to her in the past and she continued to push the issue. No amount of polite responses seemed to penetrate her self absorbed shield of sanctimony. I've had it, and I'm done. There's not a chance in hell that I'll be apologizing for finally standing up for myself.

Fair enough. You can see why I used an extreme case, though, to make a point. It's one thing to stand up for yourself, it's another to say you're right because you said you would do something as a consequence and then did it. You stood up for yourself before you cussed her out, and that's what I'm addressing.

The fact that you stormed out spoke volumes, and the fact that you defended yourself spoke volumes, the cussing was superfluous and almost self-fulfillingly righteous, if that makes sense. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great you defended yourself and your views, but the high road is so much more fulfilling upon reflection and usually condescension is met with regret when hindsight is used.

I hope you're OK with the decision a week from now, a month from now and a year from now. No one said to apologize for defending yourself, I merely said I would apologize for the cussing. The other shit was perfectly vindicated.

Thanks for the input, but I won't be apologizing for using harsh language either. The harsh language was justified whether they were warned about it in advance or not. When polite language and rational conversation fail to produce any results, I see no other option.

As I've said, there was much polite discussion involved for a long time prior to this with absolutely no improvement in her attitude or behavior. Simply stating it in a different, polite way would yield the same results as before. She'd either deflect blame again, or scoff and be even more condescending. I'm done trying to respect someone who has no respect for me.

Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up.

"Let me give you some advice, bastard: never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you." - Tyrion Lannister
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like itsnotmeitsyou's post
14-04-2014, 10:52 AM
RE: You can't choose your family...
Deciding to make a split from family is usually a decision made over time. At least that's my experience.

I have spoken before of issues with my mother. She is manipulative and cruel. She has always been so. For decades I kept hoping that one day she would like me and stop with her abusive behavior, physical and emotional. I turned myself inside out to try to make things work out - she is my mother, after all. I even let some of it slide when her abuse started being aimed at my kids. She's my mother, after all. I held out hope that things would change.

Finally came the straw that broke the camel's back. I cut ties with her. But it wasn't easy and I stressed myself into a frenzy over it. I sought counseling which helped a lot. After a few years went by, her mother passed away. I called with my condolences only to find out that my mother was still abusive, angry, and simply someone I could never again have in my life.

Through it all (it's been about 10 years now) I realized how much my brother was like her and that I had let a lot slide with him too. He and I no longer speak but my sister and I have fixed the rift between us that my mother had a big part in creating.

I talk to my sister and hear her upset after contact with our mother. I am not the only person she is awful to. My sister just can't bring herself to make the break but instead will make herself physically ill getting up the nerve to return a call to our mother because she knows what's coming.

It's not that hard for me. My family is scattered all over the country so the holiday get togethers aren't a factor.

There are people you have to make boundaries with. If they refuse to respect your boundaries then you have to limit your contact with them.

It's a sucky situation because people seem to think that blood family is to be preserved no matter what. But if your blood family consists of people that are detrimental to you physically or emotionally, you are better off without them.

Good luck with it...

Families are dangerous places...(my aunt always says this)

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like Anjele's post
14-04-2014, 10:53 AM (This post was last modified: 14-04-2014 10:57 AM by Bows and Arrows.)
RE: You can't choose your family...
(14-04-2014 10:50 AM)itsnotmeitsyou Wrote:  As I've said, there was much polite discussion involved for a long time prior to this with absolutely no improvement in her attitude or behavior. Simply stating it in a different, polite way would yield the same results as before. She'd either deflect blame again, or scoff and be even more condescending. I'm done trying to respect someone who has no respect for me.

In that case, just start thinking of ways you can spend quality time with your other family members.
In the case of children, show up at their sport events and things like that--it means the world to them to have people in the audience.


edited to add: when you discuss it with other family members, try not to let the anger you have for her bubble up. Try to keep calm, and just explain that you tried many times to be nice and polite but she just kept after you.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
14-04-2014, 10:57 AM
RE: You can't choose your family...
(14-04-2014 10:37 AM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  give it a week to cool off.

then try formulating a plan. Don't try coming up with a plan till you have had time to cool off....give it a couple of days.

Then I would send her a message, whether its email, text, phone, whatever. And tell her that you would like to find a way to get along, but she needs to agree that certain topics are just going to create problems and are better left alone. If she can agree, then offer up apologies (I would expect her to be apologizing to you too). If she can't, then you have your answer.

go to her house and know she's going to bring it up or just stay home and find other ways to meet with family members.

In the end, when others ask, you can tell them that you genuinely & sincerely tried to find a solution but she wasn't agreeable to it. If they know her.....then they also know how she behaves and there won't be any surprises.

Whether you see other family members outside of your aunts home depends on the effort YOU put into it. Since you aren't gathering with the others, it will be up to you to put in the extra effort.

I will give it time, but I feel she's already made her position clear. She refuses to acknowledge that she has even done anything that would be considered offensive or disrespectful to me. During the argument, any wrongdoing on her part was deflected back towards me or to some other innocent party. I don't see that changing any time soon.

It saddens me, because I know that the people in my family wouldn't raise a finger against her. She's already driven away one of my relatives and still insists to this day that said relative was in the wrong. Even though everyone in the family speaks in hushed tones about the actual happenings that lead to them being driven away, the "official" story of the family is that they were in the wrong and the aunt in question is blameless.

She's a manipulative, lying, guilt tripping, power hungry bitch and if I never have to deal with her again, I'll die a happy man.

Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up.

"Let me give you some advice, bastard: never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you." - Tyrion Lannister
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes itsnotmeitsyou's post
14-04-2014, 11:01 AM
RE: You can't choose your family...
(14-04-2014 10:53 AM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  
(14-04-2014 10:50 AM)itsnotmeitsyou Wrote:  As I've said, there was much polite discussion involved for a long time prior to this with absolutely no improvement in her attitude or behavior. Simply stating it in a different, polite way would yield the same results as before. She'd either deflect blame again, or scoff and be even more condescending. I'm done trying to respect someone who has no respect for me.

In that case, just start thinking of ways you can spend quality time with your other family members.
In the case of children, show up at their sport events and things like that--it means the world to them to have people in the audience.


edited to add: when you discuss it with other family members, try not to let the anger you have for her bubble up. Try to keep calm, and just explain that you tried many times to be nice and polite but she just kept after you.

Yeah. I will still stay in contact with my cousins and others, it will just have to be at different times and such. I see this as the only real positive to come out of this. I will probably spend more time with the family members I like and have more fun meeting with them is small groups.

Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up.

"Let me give you some advice, bastard: never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you." - Tyrion Lannister
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes itsnotmeitsyou's post
14-04-2014, 01:05 PM
RE: You can't choose your family...
That voice you are hearing is your ego trying to stir up shit. Treat it like a bratty child - tell it to go sit in the corner, that you'll deal with it later. We all have that voice and the more we recognize how troublesome it can be, the less and less we will hear it. You stood up for yourself. Good for you. We are told from childhood to respect our elders but it's damned difficult if there is nothing to respect. So tell that voice to take a hike, that you have no intention of listening to it.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Takelababy's post
14-04-2014, 07:17 PM
RE: You can't choose your family...
I specially like your leaving without punching her. I think it is proper for you to go on to associate with her and your family in this way, by saying which I mean keeping your emotions protected from harm (don't stay or talk when you don't feel comfortable, don't apologize if you don't like it) and make judgements on cold ration (when it is not worth it, don't do it).

When my grandma suddenly sued my father incited by her younger son, my uncle, my family mananged to reached a compromise to my uncle's advantage in my from our remaining genuine love for a mother and a grandma. From then on, we haven't associate with them any more and won't do that except formally in a legal matter again. And our infuriation has faded into a faint but dark sadness, which is, well, somewhat manageable.

[Image: bee3ef62gw1ef7zba7pucg201e01ejrh.gif]

Best wishes.

Want something? Then do something.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply
Forum Jump: