Your opinion: trust, respect, and insecurity in relationships
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10-01-2015, 07:44 AM
Your opinion: trust, respect, and insecurity in relationships
Hey, so I was just thinking about my little sister who is very jealous and insecure- to say the very least. I love my brother-in-law like he was blood, and I feel bad for him that he has to put up with my sisters nonsense. My sister checks his Facebook regularly and she flips out if he's even friends with a woman who is remotely pretty or even just his age. My sister is the stereotypical nagging wife and one of the most unreasonable people I know.
Here's the point- I'm all for letting your spouse know your passwords to social media accounts and email accounts, but what if your spouse is like my sister? What if they have to log into your accounts regularly and check your history all the time? What if your spouse gives you the third degree if an old high school friend simply comments on your picture or status? Worse of all, what if your spouse has a double standard? My sister talks to her old friends of the opposite sex, and it's no problem.

Is it wrong to deny your spouse of your passwords if they behave this way?

"Most people are other people.
Their thoughts are someone else's opinions,
their lives a mimicry,
their passions a quotation."
-Oscar Wilde
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10-01-2015, 07:58 AM
RE: Your opinion: trust, respect, and insecurity in relationships
Hormones are a clusterfuck for both sexes. It does not help that far to many individuals in our species buy utopia images in media on top of an inability to reason through their emotions.

I was never jealous myself, but I did fall for my own hormones. I got rejected as a teen and a young adult, so the few times I did "hook up" I mistook that for love and threw myself at women thinking stupidly showing them my attraction for them was love.

I did in my early 20s date an uber jealous women. I don't date now, probably never will again. But jealousy is not an act of love, it is a sign of insecurity. My X wife and I were never jealous of each other, it was the best relationship I ever had, despite it ending.

No one can tell you how to deal with your own family in reality, only you can judge it yourself. I'd say the best you can do is suggest clinical help. It is important that couples know how to have good communication skills. Outside that, only you can judge how to deal with it.

Poetry by Brian37(poems by an atheist) Also on Facebook as BrianJames Rational Poet and Twitter Brianrrs37
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10-01-2015, 08:23 AM
RE: Your opinion: trust, respect, and insecurity in relationships
To put this in terms of 'best practice' (cos that's my thing), there are 4 relationship categories:

  1. Strategic
  2. Tactical
  3. Operational
  4. Commodity


[Image: gr000051_large.gif]

A marriage is supposed to be a Strategic 'partnership'. This is where 2 (or more) organisational units should have a common vision for the future and share confidential information.

So yes. He should share is passwords but also, she should 'buy in' to the relationship at that level.

Despite the strategic nature of the relationship, other categories need more 'performance management' because of the unequal nature of the relationship i.e. one or other party has more or less to gain / lose.

A strategic relationship should be an equal partnership and if it isn't, the contract should be renegotiated.

In other words, if he doesn't sit down with her to talk about it, nothing's gonna change.

Smartass

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10-01-2015, 08:29 AM
RE: Your opinion: trust, respect, and insecurity in relationships
(10-01-2015 07:58 AM)Brian37 Wrote:  No one can tell you how to deal with your own family in reality, only you can judge it yourself. I'd say the best you can do is suggest clinical help. It is important that couples know how to have good communication skills. Outside that, only you can judge how to deal with it.

True. I don't give my sister advice anymore, because we have an agreement that we can't talk about certain things. Usually I'd say that if you refuse to give your spouse your password that is proof that you can't be trusted, but observing other relationships opens my mind to the possibility that it might be better for some people like my sister to not have passwords in order to learn to trust and cope with her own issues better. It might even be loving of her husband to not give her a way to snoop and make herself miserable.

However, I do understand if someone has actually cheated, it could be very damaging and the boundaries might be different.

Just my thought processes today.

"Most people are other people.
Their thoughts are someone else's opinions,
their lives a mimicry,
their passions a quotation."
-Oscar Wilde
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10-01-2015, 08:30 AM
RE: Your opinion: trust, respect, and insecurity in relationships
(10-01-2015 08:23 AM)DLJ Wrote:  To put this in terms of 'best practice' (cos that's my thing), there are 4 relationship categories:

  1. Strategic
  2. Tactical
  3. Operational
  4. Commodity


[Image: gr000051_large.gif]

A marriage is supposed to be a Strategic 'partnership'. This is where 2 (or more) organisational units should have a common vision for the future and share confidential information.

So yes. He should share is passwords but also, she should 'buy in' to the relationship at that level.

Despite the strategic nature of the relationship, other categories need more 'performance management' because of the unequal nature of the relationship i.e. one or other party has more or less to gain / lose.

A strategic relationship should be an equal partnership and if it isn't, the contract should be renegotiated.

In other words, if he doesn't sit down with her to talk about it, nothing's gonna change.

Smartass

Man, respect for the idea an' all, very creative and a very cool representation, but it looks to me like you've got to get more time away from work dude! Blink

Get out of the apartment, leave the laptop and Blackberry behind....

Just sayin' Smile

"I don't mind being wrong...it's a time I get to learn something new..."
Me.
N.B: I routinely make edits to posts to correct grammar or spelling, or to restate a point more clearly. I only notify edits if they materially change meaning.
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10-01-2015, 08:32 AM
RE: Your opinion: trust, respect, and insecurity in relationships
Never have put up with petty jealous bullshit. Either you trust me or you don't. Nagging drives me batshit crazy, and I don't do it. My husband accused me of potentially nagging him when he refused to go with me to my work Xmas party, and I finally flipped my shit and let him have it. That was kinda the final deathnail for the relationship when I realized he holds me in really low regards. I'm better than his opinion of me, and I fucking deserve to be treated better.

Technically we have each other's passwords, but we've never checked up on each other. That's kinda psycho. It's more for ease of syncing technology and such.

Trust has never been our problem. Always been cool between us with the look but don't touch, and just don't tell me about your flirtationships.

Last summer he got a phone call on his work line while we were driving home from visiting NOLA. He checked his voicemail while pumping gas, and it was a lady saying "Hi, I think your wife, ****, is having an affair with my husband. If you could give me a call back." WTF?!?! So I did actually know the guy, he worked in CT at my last hospital and we were facebook friends, as well as I saw him on a bare minimum weekly basis due to the nature of our jobs. But if I'm bringing a patient over to CT, it's cause they're fucking critical, and I'm more concerned about the size of their brain bleed or if I'm going straight to the OR from CT, catching up on charting, etc. Even if I were a cheating whore (not even once), it's not like I would have broken my vows for that guy, a girl's got standards. So my husband says "is there something you want to tell me?" And I said "umm I need some direction here". He could tell I wasn't lying when I said it hadn't cheated, and then called the lady back. Apparently, there was "a" nurse that had the same first name as me that had been texting with her husband. And I was Facebook friends with him. My name is almost as common as Mary, just in my department alone there were ten nurses with the same name.

I. Wanted. To. Cut. A. Bitch.

After discerning where she got my info from and who all was aware, I told her she better fucking make sure that the record was set straight that I was not involved, I mean, I have a goddamn fucking reputation to uphold. I take my career and professionalism *very* seriously at work. For my husband's job, an extramarital affair is grounds for dismissal. Both of our professions require high ethical standards, and cheating throws up some red flags about the content of one's character.

During our divorce talk last week, I reassured him I'd always been faithful, and he said he believed me. Like I said, trust has never been our issue.

Communication on the other hand.....

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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10-01-2015, 08:33 AM (This post was last modified: 10-01-2015 08:38 AM by Bows and Arrows.)
RE: Your opinion: trust, respect, and insecurity in relationships
My thoughts on jealously:

- its insecurity and immaturity

if you picked the right partner, then there should be a level of trust that your partner won't do anything to harm the relationship (security) Its immature because you are expecting someone else to live in a way that checks your boxes and not the way that makes them happy or fulfilled.

- the times in my life that I was a jealous fool was when I didnt trust my choice of partner, someone that was me, some of them werent worthy of the trust I was giving them.


- there has to be a recognition of ownership of those emotions or it won't ever end. "its a problem with me" vs "I have to watch him like a hawk, just in case".

- one person shouldnt be burdened with carrying the baggage if another. Just because your ex cheated on you doesnt mean you get to stalk the new love in your life. choose better lovers that you can trust.



I met an old friend on facebook, posted on his threads a few times, his wife made it quite clear that he was "hers". I calmed those comments with a message that said to chill out we are just old friends, I am happily married with kids too. And she immediately stopped. We all met up one night when they were in town for an event and had a great time. She still doesnt know that ages ago we were friends with benefits, but eh, that was ages ago. I asked her husband if she knew, he said no and shook his head in a way and gave an expression of "oh god! hell no! we wouldnt be out drinking if she did". I wasnt surprised. Some people don't ever change, lol.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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10-01-2015, 08:34 AM
RE: Your opinion: trust, respect, and insecurity in relationships
I don't think this is a hormone issue. Some people are just really insecure. How long have they been married? She's either going to have to get over it or he will eventually leave. You can't be in a relationship, much less a marriage, with someone who doesn't trust you.

Shackle their minds when they're bent on the cross
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10-01-2015, 08:36 AM (This post was last modified: 10-01-2015 01:49 PM by gofish!.)
RE: Your opinion: trust, respect, and insecurity in relationships
Each of the others come up with very valid points. To directly answer the question would probably come up with the stock reply "yes, that's unreasonable behaviour", but such behaviour is usually only a symptom of something more complex.

Then, one also has to remember the brother-in-law. However passive he may be (I don't know), but he's part of this system. Maybe he has issues which is why he puts up with it. DLJ's way of looking at it touches on this, but remember sometime that people are not always together for the best of reasons and, sometimes, they can be for the worst: the abused child seeking abusive relationships patten spring to mind here.

Normally, I try to steer clear of getting involved, uninvited, into another couple's issue. Experience has taught me it usually ends up bad, plus one of my current working principles is that each has to take responsibility for their world. That said, there's no reason you can't just make yourself available if one of them want to talk.

"I don't mind being wrong...it's a time I get to learn something new..."
Me.
N.B: I routinely make edits to posts to correct grammar or spelling, or to restate a point more clearly. I only notify edits if they materially change meaning.
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10-01-2015, 08:37 AM
RE: Your opinion: trust, respect, and insecurity in relationships
(10-01-2015 08:30 AM)gofish! Wrote:  ...

Get out of the apartment, leave the laptop and Blackberry behind....

Just sayin' Smile

I don't have a Blackberry.

I moved into my new apartment last Saturday but I've only spent two nights here. Just got back from Hong Kong.

You were saying?

Point is... if you've gone to the trouble of memorising all the text books (the 'good' books) and the theory applies to practice, why not use them?

Dodgy

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