Your opinion: trust, respect, and insecurity in relationships
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10-01-2015, 08:40 AM (This post was last modified: 10-01-2015 08:50 AM by Anjele.)
RE: Your opinion: trust, respect, and insecurity in relationships
For years my marriage was like living with a spy who was determined to find out that I had done something terrible. Tire tracks were checked to be sure no one had been to the house in his absence, caller ID was monitored, mail was scrutinized.

After hacking into my email and having a fit over something completely innocent, I had the mother of all temper fits. That was about eight years ago - then I asked if I didn't at least get points for longevity - hell, I stayed with him longer than his parents or anyone else had. It wasn't pretty and a dozen years of pissed off came flowing out of me.

If he does check my email, FB, forum posts (my logins are saved), he has the good sense not to say anything about it. I do not even touch his laptop or his cellphone. Marriage doesn't mean that you aren't allowed some privacy.

Living under jealousy, mistrust, and suspicion is a sucky way to go through life. It's exhausting and it kills any love and affection that may have been there.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
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10-01-2015, 08:50 AM
RE: Your opinion: trust, respect, and insecurity in relationships
I'd let them sort it out. She will either chill out or he will eventually leave.
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10-01-2015, 10:01 AM
RE: Your opinion: trust, respect, and insecurity in relationships
(10-01-2015 08:50 AM)Hobbitgirl Wrote:  I'd let them sort it out. She will either chill out or he will eventually leave.

Yeah, I'm not gonna get involved. I just used them as an example to present the idea that maybe some relationships need more boundaries than others.

"Most people are other people.
Their thoughts are someone else's opinions,
their lives a mimicry,
their passions a quotation."
-Oscar Wilde
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10-01-2015, 10:02 AM
RE: Your opinion: trust, respect, and insecurity in relationships
(10-01-2015 08:40 AM)Anjele Wrote:  For years my marriage was like living with a spy who was determined to find out that I had done something terrible. Tire tracks were checked to be sure no one had been to the house in his absence, caller ID was monitored, mail was scrutinized.

After hacking into my email and having a fit over something completely innocent, I had the mother of all temper fits. That was about eight years ago - then I asked if I didn't at least get points for longevity - hell, I stayed with him longer than his parents or anyone else had. It wasn't pretty and a dozen years of pissed off came flowing out of me.

If he does check my email, FB, forum posts (my logins are saved), he has the good sense not to say anything about it. I do not even touch his laptop or his cellphone. Marriage doesn't mean that you aren't allowed some privacy.

Living under jealousy, mistrust, and suspicion is a sucky way to go through life. It's exhausting and it kills any love and affection that may have been there.

Wow, that is extreme! That would be exhausting.

"Most people are other people.
Their thoughts are someone else's opinions,
their lives a mimicry,
their passions a quotation."
-Oscar Wilde
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10-01-2015, 10:38 AM
RE: Your opinion: trust, respect, and insecurity in relationships
Your sister's problem could cost her her marriage. It's very hard to be with someone who constantly makes you feel oppressed.

I've had boyfriends who were extremely jealous (to the point of calling me all the time when I'm out with male friends or crying because of feelings of inadequacy) and it was unbearable.

My current boyfriend does occasionally get jealous, but not to extreme levels. He says that a tiny bit of jealousy is needed in a relationship to "keep things going", and I tend to agree.

As long as there is good communication and honesty, there shouldn't be any insecurity issues.

"Behind every great pirate, there is a great butt."
-Guybrush Threepwood-
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10-01-2015, 10:51 AM
RE: Your opinion: trust, respect, and insecurity in relationships
(10-01-2015 08:36 AM)gofish! Wrote:  Each of the others come up with verty valid points. To directly answer the question would probably come up with the stock reply "yes, that's unreasonable behaviour", but such behaviour is usually only a sympton of something more complex.

Yep. Thank Gwynnies I don't have such issues, however, the Gwynnies also teaches us that love doesn't much give a fuck about rationality.

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10-01-2015, 12:52 PM
RE: Your opinion: trust, respect, and insecurity in relationships
(10-01-2015 07:44 AM)LadyWallFlower Wrote:  Hey, so I was just thinking about my little sister who is very jealous and insecure- to say the very least. I love my brother-in-law like he was blood, and I feel bad for him that he has to put up with my sisters nonsense. My sister checks his Facebook regularly and she flips out if he's even friends with a woman who is remotely pretty or even just his age. My sister is the stereotypical nagging wife and one of the most unreasonable people I know.
Here's the point- I'm all for letting your spouse know your passwords to social media accounts and email accounts, but what if your spouse is like my sister? What if they have to log into your accounts regularly and check your history all the time? What if your spouse gives you the third degree if an old high school friend simply comments on your picture or status? Worse of all, what if your spouse has a double standard? My sister talks to her old friends of the opposite sex, and it's no problem.

Is it wrong to deny your spouse of your passwords if they behave this way?

I'd give passwords, but I'd also have a second Facebook and block them from it.

I'd also use the browsers private or incognito options. That way what I do doesn't show up in the history...

All the whining does is make people smarter.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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10-01-2015, 01:45 PM
RE: Your opinion: trust, respect, and insecurity in relationships
Hell my wife has all my passwords. She is actually in charge of any pictures of her on my Facebook page. The pictures have to be approved by her anyways. Either she'll grow out of it eventually or drive him away. My wife used to be the same way, She finally grew up.
My wife's childhood and past were extenuating circumstances though. She had never had anyone she could trust before, including her parents.
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10-01-2015, 02:37 PM
RE: Your opinion: trust, respect, and insecurity in relationships
(10-01-2015 10:38 AM)undergroundp Wrote:  Your sister's problem could cost her her marriage. It's very hard to be with someone who constantly makes you feel oppressed.

I've had boyfriends who were extremely jealous (to the point of calling me all the time when I'm out with male friends or crying because of feelings of inadequacy) and it was unbearable.

My current boyfriend does occasionally get jealous, but not to extreme levels. He says that a tiny bit of jealousy is needed in a relationship to "keep things going", and I tend to agree.

As long as there is good communication and honesty, there shouldn't be any insecurity issues.

Exactly right.

Possessive insecure jerks? Maybe give them a wide berth until they sort themselves out.

But sometimes, during the earlier stages of a relationship, while there may not be any dysfuntional personal insecurity on one or other part, sometimes people still get a little edgy, especially if they are heavily emotionally invested.

In such cases, a little reassurance goes a long way.

"I don't mind being wrong...it's a time I get to learn something new..."
Me.
N.B: I routinely make edits to posts to correct grammar or spelling, or to restate a point more clearly. I only notify edits if they materially change meaning.
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10-01-2015, 02:41 PM
RE: Your opinion: trust, respect, and insecurity in relationships
I actually forgot to state where I stand.

My wife, my son and I alll have our own password and they are secret, period. No sharing. Quite apart from good security practice, and the small fact that there's usually a way to recover passwords if lost, the biggest issue for me is one of respect.

Sometimes it is the trust you show that gets you the trust you seek.

"I don't mind being wrong...it's a time I get to learn something new..."
Me.
N.B: I routinely make edits to posts to correct grammar or spelling, or to restate a point more clearly. I only notify edits if they materially change meaning.
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