bearing my soul
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25-08-2013, 10:02 AM
RE: bearing my soul
(25-08-2013 09:40 AM)Relic of the Darkling Wrote:  ...
I went to a behavioral specialist as a kid i was diagnosed with ADD but nothing autism related, and one does not develop autism its something your born with.

True but...

Maybe it's a UK vs Canadia definition-thing but when my kids were diagnosed (one with ADD and one with Aspergers) we learned that Autism is a group-term, a spectrum-thing that includes ADD, ADHD and Aspergers and others.

Either way, these labels are merely categories / groupings of symptoms that are used to classify and therefore give guidance for those seeking solutions.

Also, importantly, for parents with limited funds (as we were then) certain categories (labels) get NHS support and some don't. Aspergers didn't then and it nearly broke us. Certainly that was a factor in our divorce.

C'est la vie, I guess.

Whatevers though, good approach with the self-development pledge. :applauds:

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25-08-2013, 12:09 PM (This post was last modified: 25-08-2013 12:23 PM by Luminon.)
RE: bearing my soul
(25-08-2013 06:43 AM)Relic of the Darkling Wrote:  i dont have asperger's nor will i ever self diagnose with asperger's. everyone who self diagnoses, does so to say "i have a medical condition, i dont have to improve my self." only a doctor can diagnose it, and my doctor hasn't.
OK, there seems to be a number of points here that need clarifying.
- How do you know that you don't have Asperger's? (for example, you didn't have any kind of childhood problems or signs)
- I was not asking you to self-diagnose, I was suggesting to take a test that may give you more information if to visit a doctor or not.
- Asperger's can't exactly be called a medical condition, medicine can do nothing about it as yet. It's a difference in brain development.
- If medicine can't do anything about it, only you can, through self-improvement, through training to socialize and through learning about psychological and social phenomena in other people and yourself.
- Unfortunately, Asperger's is or was until recently very difficult to diagnose. There are many books by people like Wendy Lawson, who spent many years misdiagnosed under schizophrenia, antisocial disorder, ADHD, or just ignored. Many doctors, for example in France entertained bizarre and outdated beliefs about this condition.
In many countries there are few doctors who even dare to work on this, but so many patients, that the waiting time is longer than a year. In such conditions there is no free market, no competition of doctors and you can not know the good ones from the bad. Relying that your doctor knows his stuff is not reasonable here. You also have to rely on yourself, you know yourself longer than any doctor. Asperger's does not have a firmly set set of traits and signs.

Quote: I've been sticking to my newyears resolution to improve my self in some way (its amazing i know a still on a newyears resolution in august.) its slow going but its working. it doesnt mean i can suddenly get on with people better, but i'm working on it.
Congratulations! I hope your resolution lasts. I can only suggest you books that might help you to learn how to improve yourself, so I just did.

If you claim there are nuances to principles, there are no nuances to getting arrested or shot for disobeying the power.
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26-08-2013, 11:08 PM
RE: bearing my soul
I agree with evenheathen. Consider therapy. Surprisingly enough, it's not just for wackos, and helps a lot of people with social and anxiety issues. Good Therapists are fantastic listeners, will help you up that self confidence and learn to show off what a fantastic person I'm sure you are. As for now, we're all here for you.
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27-08-2013, 12:45 AM
RE: bearing my soul
Look for this book.

It's miles better than The Game or other books of that sort IMO. I really, really recommend it.

I went through pretty much exactly what you're experiencing... was too shy, too introverted, to convinced I was gonna fail before I even started. I did screw up my courage a few times to ask people out but got rebuffed... Reading that book didn't cure me Tongue But it gave me some tools to understand how the whole love game works.

Basically you gotta take it slow and develop social skills first. If you wanna meet people you gotta put yourself in a position where you will meet them, so do some activities that get you outta the house. Try to do things that you actually enjoy or think you'll enjoy, because meeting girls is secondary at this point to learning to talk to people normally and building friendships.

Once you meet someone - and it can be anywhere - you need to know how to strike up a conversation and keep it going. I had this problem in that I'd smile very nicely at a girl and say hello, and she'd say hello back and I'd freeze...

So ja, the book goes into a lot of detail and I would recommend it. My 2 cents. Therapy and so forth also sounds like a bright idea.
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27-08-2013, 06:26 AM
RE: bearing my soul
(27-08-2013 12:45 AM)morondog Wrote:  I went through pretty much exactly what you're experiencing... was too shy, too introverted, to convinced I was gonna fail before I even started. I did screw up my courage a few times to ask people out but got rebuffed... Reading that book didn't cure me Tongue But it gave me some tools to understand how the whole love game works.

Once you meet someone - and it can be anywhere - you need to know how to strike up a conversation and keep it going. I had this problem in that I'd smile very nicely at a girl and say hello, and she'd say hello back and I'd freeze...
Would you please have some book or advice for me? My problem is not as much shyness, but an utter lack of motivation. Things that motivate other people don't motivate me. I can appreciate a pretty face and a body, but when I hear her hobbies are "animals and photographing" (likely by her smartphone in front of mirror) then it's a huge turnoff. I don't get to know people directly, I get to know them through their hobbies.

I am a walking encyclopedia and I need a walking forum with boobs. I need someone who I'd appoint as a head of my research team or my business. I need someone I'd hire as a tutor (or mother Tongue) for my children. I know it's a terribly unromantic way to put it, but my romantic brain center is not well connected to my speech center. I'm a big romantic crybaby inside, but all outside communication is handled by General Brain and if he doesn't get his thing, nobody gets his thing, namely me. I need someone, who can dazzle General Brain with an impressive resume and smuggle herself into the cerebral North Korea, where I live.
General Brain always asks his dissidents (namely me) one terrible question, "Why Bother?" It's not a rebuff, it's a legitimate question. Submit a good, logical reason published in a peer-reviewed journal and it shall be done.

No wonder I spend so many hours in meditation, trying to override this neurological mechanism.

If you claim there are nuances to principles, there are no nuances to getting arrested or shot for disobeying the power.
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27-08-2013, 07:48 AM
RE: bearing my soul
(27-08-2013 06:26 AM)Luminon Wrote:  Would you please have some book or advice for me?

Morondog... the Casanova of TTA Laughat Dispensing advice... If you guys knew how pathetic that is Weeping

Dude I'm as clueless as the next guy, I still don't get love related stuff myself. Besides, despite my great wisdom in these matters I am conspicuously single Tongue I just found that particular book helpful...

I'm gonna go running for a bit... otherwise I'd try do more cheap psychoanalysis and try to actually be helpful, but I'm really not the right guy to ask Wink
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03-09-2013, 02:31 PM
RE: bearing my soul
(27-08-2013 12:45 AM)morondog Wrote:  Try to do things that you actually enjoy or think you'll enjoy, because meeting girls is secondary at this point to learning to talk to people normally and building friendships.

Morondog hit the nail on the head with this. This is really all you need to start with for now. Don't try to rush this, just try to get a little bit better each day.

The correct question to ask yourself is not, "How do I make women like me?" The correct question is, "How do I become someone women like to be around?" Keep a good attitude. Try to be upbeat. If you're rejected, do your best to shrug it off. Try smiling in spite of your circumstances. That's a tactic I've been using seen I began taking my depression seriously. I find that it boosts my confidence as a bonus.

"That's not the proof I want."
"You'll have such proof as exists. You are the only one responsible for your own wants."
- Isaac Asimov, I, Robot
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03-09-2013, 04:40 PM
RE: bearing my soul
(21-08-2013 08:46 PM)Relic of the Darkling Wrote:  I need to get this out. This is the place to do it.

I've never had a girlfriend, never, I'm 28 and never had a girlfriend.

I'm so lonely i can taste it. I'm sick with it. Most of the people I know who are my age are married or engaged, some even have children, many people i know who are younger than me are married or engaged. I'm still alone.

I'm introverted almost to the point of self destruction, I have no social skills. I have no idea how to change my situation. It hurts to see everyone around me loving some one, hand in hand with some one, and I'm left behind, alone. Sitting on the outside, wishing i had what they have. Reduced to the quiet guy in the corner or at the bar, too terrified of stupid things to do any thing, too terrified that the girl at the bar will say "no", despite the fact that rejection is part of life. Too afraid of scammers to go the online route. I don't what to do, I don't know how to do it.

Christ it feels good to get that the hell of my chest... i feel a little better now, thanks for listening.. or reading... or what ever

You are not alone. I am 50 and single, though I did live with a woman for 8 years. The woman I lost my virginity to, at 35! And am also introverted almost to the point of self destruction.

I am an intelligent and VERY attractive man. I say this, not to brag, but because I feel that intelligence and attractiveness are only small factors with this issue. Many years ago, I had difficulty renting movies! I felt like everyone was watching me, though I knew they weren't. I saw, and still see every flaw I have.

If I had really good advice, I'd use it myself. But you have to fight this. Or you will wind up lonely, hurting and crying at 50. Like me.
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04-09-2013, 09:25 PM
RE: bearing my soul
To the OP... I can relate. I'm 32 and your story is basically my own.... as far as not having a girlfriend, being a virgin, etc.

I wish I had some good advice to give. Hopefully, some of the advice given in this thread will help you.
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05-09-2013, 11:58 AM
RE: bearing my soul
At least we know we're not alone, guys!

I know this is a stupid question: But does anyone know what this is? For many years, I've known that something is not normal with me. Some kind of neurosis or mental illness.

Personally, I'm good with one person. Maybe three. But even as small a number as five or six will have me shrinking into introversion. I don't know how to make "small talk". And that makes me feel inferior in a conversation. When others are talking about sports, or whatever, I'm completely lost. But it also happens when they are discussing something (say movies) that I am interested in. My mind analyses movies and nobody wants to hear that.

People are almost a foreign entity to me. They talk a lot, but seem to have very little to say.

I'm interested from people who have this "neurosis", if that's what it is. And from those of you who don't.
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