broken, bitter and frustrated
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31-03-2014, 04:22 PM
broken, bitter and frustrated
I feel emotionally bankrupt. I am on an emotional rollercoaster.

I am living in america, I am living at my parents. i am 32. I am working full time. Work keeps me sane. My classes make me go insane. My fear of bad grades is haunting me, because so much rides on these stupid grades. I not only don't have a girlfriend, I am not married, I have no kids, I have had a few girlfriends before, and they made me so happy they don't even know. There is no girlfriend in sight. i am working 42 hours a week and I am taking 12 semester credit hours. i don't see a choice though, if I want to get ahead and not fall behind. I will drop one class. I am frustrated. I am bitter. I hate living with a government that is a war machine/surrogate husband. I feel the state is totally corrupt, and the people are ideological idiots- with religion and ideology- so I don't fit in at this level, but we can avoid this level most of the time. Still the fruits are there.

Lately I have had trouble concentrating, paying attention, keeping up with my assignments. I am sexually frustrated, and that only begets sexual frustration. This is a definite downward spiral, that causes me to lose friends. The more sex you get the less you need, meaning the more you get, and also the more popular you get. I failed, then failed, then failed again, and when i succeeded, I ruined it. I failed to take chances that came my way, repressing my desires when it did come.

I am trying to forget about all this love nonsense this sex nonsense, and just focus on work and study, but it reasserts itself. I can't repress it even for the sake of future success and study. I know if I complete my degree and get my CPA, which is only a year or 2 in time, I can make 50-100k not too far off. Nobody owes me anything, not here or anywhere. I sometimes hate life though- even as I want to serve LIFE, I hate this incarnation, I hate this experience of living. How can I be happy, until I've done what I came her to do?

Abandoning the religious nonsense of my upbringing, rejecting the worldview, the frame of reality of my culture, has helped me become more free in the mind, but it hasn't helped me adjust, and it took away narcotics, opiates. I have no way to medicate myself or numb myself- I want love, and sex is the food of love. If not this than I want success, and I struggle. I hate that the love I get is from people distant or from my parents, which I don't need or want. Everything goes in evil circles. I want to be free. I don't want to be angry but I don't want to be pacified. I don't want to be a coward. I don't want to be a fool. I want to be a winner, victorious. I want to have some power in this world, and love, and be on track. Failures warp my perception, heighten my neediness.

Bullshit authors like David Deangelo say that this behavior is wussy behavior. no it's not it's needy but that's cause I'm in a need situation. A wuss doesn't work 48 hours every other week and study 4 classes and reject most of the worldview he inherited, and avoid dosing himself with garbage as much as possible, struggling like a madman. So what if he is noble and traditional in his love desire. call me a wuss, I punch him in the face. Wisdom runs cold and deep but discipline is hard to achieve to follow the wisdom to the end and in the end I lack the discipline to achieve success. I get pulled off track. my body gets agitated. it all begins in my body, in my frustration. It is the spell- I must be stronger in my mind than all the frames of my environments- I have several recurring environments- work, university, home, other, and several environments within these. Some people can enjoy life so much. I don't want to envy, I want to duplicate. What am I doing wrong, which I am capable of fixing? I want to destroy regrets, recreate the future, turn things around, I want to get love tomorrow and success. I want control, respect, good karma. I want to shut my enemies down.
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31-03-2014, 04:44 PM
RE: broken, bitter and frustrated
You need a hug. Hug
Once you finish your courses, you'll have a bit more time and probably money to do things.
Also, instead of worrying about bad grades, just try to think about what you have now.
I suggest you talk a walk in a garden. It's psychological therapy.

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31-03-2014, 08:29 PM
RE: broken, bitter and frustrated
(31-03-2014 04:22 PM)viking Wrote:  I feel emotionally bankrupt. I am on an emotional rollercoaster.

Viking, you sound very lonely and depressed... and in need of friendship and support. It seems like you are trying to do so much to move forward and provide for yourself and you are so sensitive to the perceived failures of your life, but the daily gentle care and love for yourself is missing. You have such high expectations! Besides sex, what brings you joy and gratitude? What kinds of people do you connect with? Where is the beauty in life for you? Go for these things! You are not alone. Many people have struggled with great depths of depression and anxiety and hopelessness and emerged with deep meaning and joy. I encourage you to ask for help by seeing a therapist who works with atheists, if you feel that would be helpful to you:

Here is an article that was very helpful for me: "Dombrowski's Theory and Existential Depression in Gifted Children and Adults," http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10554.aspx

You wrote about hating your life, that you want to fulfill what you came here to do. It seems to me that every moment is an opportunity to embark. I don't believe there is a "grand plan" already defined -- instead each moment we make choices that write our life story. Yes, there are regrets, many crushing regrets... but being invested in Life in this moment is very therapeutic. Not just doing the expected tasks, but being the person we truly want to be -- the explorer; the person of deep integrity, reason, and compassion; the artist or the mathematician-- today, in this moment, provides great healing for those regrets. Standing in the truth of your deepest inclinations is very empowering. Who are you, no matter how fucked up your past is. Who are you in this moment? You are a unique and fascinating being created by a magnificent evolutionary process.

You sound to me like you are intelligent, sensitive, hard-working, articulate, motivated, strong, and deep. Take a break on yourself and life and let these characteristics work for you. Don't doubt your capacity!!

May you find peace in your quest!
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01-04-2014, 09:50 AM
RE: broken, bitter and frustrated
I'm sorry, but you just blamed the way your life has turned out on a corrupt government and religion.
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08-04-2014, 07:52 PM
RE: broken, bitter and frustrated
(31-03-2014 04:22 PM)viking Wrote:  I feel emotionally bankrupt. I am on an emotional rollercoaster.

I am living in america, I am living at my parents. i am 32. I am working full time. Work keeps me sane. My classes make me go insane. My fear of bad grades is haunting me, because so much rides on these stupid grades. I not only don't have a girlfriend, I am not married, I have no kids, I have had a few girlfriends before, and they made me so happy they don't even know. There is no girlfriend in sight. i am working 42 hours a week and I am taking 12 semester credit hours. i don't see a choice though, if I want to get ahead and not fall behind. I will drop one class. I am frustrated. I am bitter. I hate living with a government that is a war machine/surrogate husband. I feel the state is totally corrupt, and the people are ideological idiots- with religion and ideology- so I don't fit in at this level, but we can avoid this level most of the time. Still the fruits are there.

Lately I have had trouble concentrating, paying attention, keeping up with my assignments. I am sexually frustrated, and that only begets sexual frustration. This is a definite downward spiral, that causes me to lose friends. The more sex you get the less you need, meaning the more you get, and also the more popular you get. I failed, then failed, then failed again, and when i succeeded, I ruined it. I failed to take chances that came my way, repressing my desires when it did come.

I am trying to forget about all this love nonsense this sex nonsense, and just focus on work and study, but it reasserts itself. I can't repress it even for the sake of future success and study. I know if I complete my degree and get my CPA, which is only a year or 2 in time, I can make 50-100k not too far off. Nobody owes me anything, not here or anywhere. I sometimes hate life though- even as I want to serve LIFE, I hate this incarnation, I hate this experience of living. How can I be happy, until I've done what I came her to do?

Abandoning the religious nonsense of my upbringing, rejecting the worldview, the frame of reality of my culture, has helped me become more free in the mind, but it hasn't helped me adjust, and it took away narcotics, opiates. I have no way to medicate myself or numb myself- I want love, and sex is the food of love. If not this than I want success, and I struggle. I hate that the love I get is from people distant or from my parents, which I don't need or want. Everything goes in evil circles. I want to be free. I don't want to be angry but I don't want to be pacified. I don't want to be a coward. I don't want to be a fool. I want to be a winner, victorious. I want to have some power in this world, and love, and be on track. Failures warp my perception, heighten my neediness.

Bullshit authors like David Deangelo say that this behavior is wussy behavior. no it's not it's needy but that's cause I'm in a need situation. A wuss doesn't work 48 hours every other week and study 4 classes and reject most of the worldview he inherited, and avoid dosing himself with garbage as much as possible, struggling like a madman. So what if he is noble and traditional in his love desire. call me a wuss, I punch him in the face. Wisdom runs cold and deep but discipline is hard to achieve to follow the wisdom to the end and in the end I lack the discipline to achieve success. I get pulled off track. my body gets agitated. it all begins in my body, in my frustration. It is the spell- I must be stronger in my mind than all the frames of my environments- I have several recurring environments- work, university, home, other, and several environments within these. Some people can enjoy life so much. I don't want to envy, I want to duplicate. What am I doing wrong, which I am capable of fixing? I want to destroy regrets, recreate the future, turn things around, I want to get love tomorrow and success. I want control, respect, good karma. I want to shut my enemies down.

You sound depressed. Please see your doctor. (BTW, I am a doctor.)
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08-04-2014, 08:08 PM
RE: broken, bitter and frustrated
Well I'll give you a hug Hug and bow down to your amazing tenacity Bowing
because while your life may be Censored now it can't be like that for too much longer
cause anyone good enough to manage that much can figure out a way to resolve it as well Smile

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
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13-04-2014, 03:54 PM
RE: broken, bitter and frustrated
(31-03-2014 04:22 PM)viking Wrote:  I feel emotionally bankrupt. I am on an emotional rollercoaster.

I am living in america, I am living at my parents. i am 32. I am working full time. Work keeps me sane. My classes make me go insane. My fear of bad grades is haunting me, because so much rides on these stupid grades. I not only don't have a girlfriend, I am not married, I have no kids, I have had a few girlfriends before, and they made me so happy they don't even know. There is no girlfriend in sight. i am working 42 hours a week and I am taking 12 semester credit hours. i don't see a choice though, if I want to get ahead and not fall behind. I will drop one class. I am frustrated. I am bitter. I hate living with a government that is a war machine/surrogate husband. I feel the state is totally corrupt, and the people are ideological idiots- with religion and ideology- so I don't fit in at this level, but we can avoid this level most of the time. Still the fruits are there.

Lately I have had trouble concentrating, paying attention, keeping up with my assignments. I am sexually frustrated, and that only begets sexual frustration. This is a definite downward spiral, that causes me to lose friends. The more sex you get the less you need, meaning the more you get, and also the more popular you get. I failed, then failed, then failed again, and when i succeeded, I ruined it. I failed to take chances that came my way, repressing my desires when it did come.

I am trying to forget about all this love nonsense this sex nonsense, and just focus on work and study, but it reasserts itself. I can't repress it even for the sake of future success and study. I know if I complete my degree and get my CPA, which is only a year or 2 in time, I can make 50-100k not too far off. Nobody owes me anything, not here or anywhere. I sometimes hate life though- even as I want to serve LIFE, I hate this incarnation, I hate this experience of living. How can I be happy, until I've done what I came her to do?

Abandoning the religious nonsense of my upbringing, rejecting the worldview, the frame of reality of my culture, has helped me become more free in the mind, but it hasn't helped me adjust, and it took away narcotics, opiates. I have no way to medicate myself or numb myself- I want love, and sex is the food of love. If not this than I want success, and I struggle. I hate that the love I get is from people distant or from my parents, which I don't need or want. Everything goes in evil circles. I want to be free. I don't want to be angry but I don't want to be pacified. I don't want to be a coward. I don't want to be a fool. I want to be a winner, victorious. I want to have some power in this world, and love, and be on track. Failures warp my perception, heighten my neediness.

Bullshit authors like David Deangelo say that this behavior is wussy behavior. no it's not it's needy but that's cause I'm in a need situation. A wuss doesn't work 48 hours every other week and study 4 classes and reject most of the worldview he inherited, and avoid dosing himself with garbage as much as possible, struggling like a madman. So what if he is noble and traditional in his love desire. call me a wuss, I punch him in the face. Wisdom runs cold and deep but discipline is hard to achieve to follow the wisdom to the end and in the end I lack the discipline to achieve success. I get pulled off track. my body gets agitated. it all begins in my body, in my frustration. It is the spell- I must be stronger in my mind than all the frames of my environments- I have several recurring environments- work, university, home, other, and several environments within these. Some people can enjoy life so much. I don't want to envy, I want to duplicate. What am I doing wrong, which I am capable of fixing? I want to destroy regrets, recreate the future, turn things around, I want to get love tomorrow and success. I want control, respect, good karma. I want to shut my enemies down.

Hey viking, depressed people often
-don't take advice on board
-don't make changes in their life
-think they're a nuisance to everyone else, so don't communicate with others.

Try not to fall into these traps.
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13-04-2014, 06:02 PM
RE: broken, bitter and frustrated
Lexapro. Shit works bitches.

There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. -Camus
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13-04-2014, 09:58 PM
RE: broken, bitter and frustrated
Your not as alone as as you think Viking, many people are in this depressive "what is the value of my life" ponderence.
Its common enough to call a normal condition, many apparent social butterflies cash in with nobody even catching a hint of their torment.

Be your self, do things you enjoy, push your comfort boundaries.
take up some unexpected hobbies, love won't find you until you find something about yourself to love.

Theism is to believe what other people claim, Atheism is to ask "why should I".
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13-04-2014, 10:00 PM
RE: broken, bitter and frustrated
popping in to give more hugs Hug

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
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