dead to me
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26-06-2014, 11:17 PM
dead to me
Maybe this rambling makes sense to some of you:

I never thought breaking up with an imaginary friend could hurt so damn much. I just want to scream FUCK YOU GOD so loud, but hes not even real to hear me say it.

I go through periods where I feel this amazing freedom, and at others its just really depressing. I recently quit my job and have had a lot of time for self reflection. I'll be starting in a different unit at a new hospital in a few weeks.

I saw some truly horrific things working trauma. It is sooo much easier to handle (especially the kids) knowing that its not fate, or gods plan, or sin in the world thanks to Eve. Accidents happen, poor decisions happen, shit happens. Parents not putting their babies in carseats, that's not god's plan, that's stupidity...and heart wrenching. I'm usually pretty good at compartmentalizing, but some things can never be unseen or unheard. Christianity's answers just aren't good enough. God isnt good enough. I refuse to worship a mythical asshole.

The hard part for me is how delusional it was looking forward to meeting my biological father in heaven when I die. He was killed in a motorcycle accident when I was a few months old, and my family always talks about how he was so interesting and charming. How do you rationalize a good, loving, benevolent (petulant, angry, misogynistic, murdering, jealous..) god "taking" the life of a young preacher with a growing congregation, leaving his wife with two small children nearly destitute? God and his plan can kiss my ass. I shouldn't be a grown woman re-experiencing grief over loved ones that died years ago, suffering through denial and never making it to acceptance. They're dead. Gone. Forever. Just like god is dead to me.

Thanks for this awesome forum. I have spent countless hours sifting through advice and humor and philosophy and nerding out on science. It really helps.
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27-06-2014, 12:07 AM
RE: dead to me
Yep, I'ma hearing ya Thumbsup
Oh, and welcome to TTA Smile

Humankind Dodgy (a total misnomer)
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27-06-2014, 12:54 AM
RE: dead to me
(27-06-2014 12:07 AM)aurora Wrote:  Yep, I'ma hearing ya Thumbsup
Oh, and welcome to TTA Smile


Same here! Welcome!
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27-06-2014, 01:08 AM
RE: dead to me
Well said, Nursey.

That brought a lump to my throat.

Welcome indeed.

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27-06-2014, 02:14 AM
RE: dead to me
Welcome Nurse
Honest and heartfelt post, thank you. Thumbsup
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27-06-2014, 10:51 PM
RE: dead to me
Hello!

I hear you loud and clear.

Welcome to the deconversion mood swings. Rolleyes

It gets better and easier, as time goes by.

It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. ~Mark Twain
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27-06-2014, 11:22 PM (This post was last modified: 27-06-2014 11:36 PM by Bucky Ball.)
RE: dead to me
I really don't know how you trauma people do it, and go home and turn it off. I could not, for more than about 15 minutes. People are amazingly stupid sometimes. The things I've seen could never compare to what you see. I was sitting outside Cedars Sinai once with a friend and these idiots pull up, and they push out this guy who had been shot in the chest. So he stumbles out, and my friend says "Just go in there, they'll help you". (haha). (Why is it the idiots live ?) So he checked on him later, and not only did they not call an ambulance, but on the way to the ED with him, they stopped to take his girl-friend home. WTAF ?!! Of course he didn't die. You have my respect lady. Maybe you should think about a career change, (or more like a different specialty ... ). You've paid your dues. How about Peds (inpatient) ? My dad takes care of some of them, (cardiac anomalies) and they go home and never come back. They actually get better, and go on to be happy people.

Insufferable know-it-all.Einstein God has a plan for us. Please stop screwing it up with your prayers.
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28-06-2014, 01:06 AM
RE: dead to me
(27-06-2014 11:22 PM)Bucky Ball Wrote:  I really don't know how you trauma people do it, and go home and turn it off. I could not, for more than about 15 minutes. People are amazingly stupid sometimes. The things I've seen could never compare to what you see. I was sitting outside Cedars Sinai once with a friend and these idiots pull up, and they push out this guy who had been shot in the chest. So he stumbles out, and my friend says "Just go in there, they'll help you". (haha). (Why is it the idiots live ?) So he checked on him later, and not only did they not call an ambulance, but on the way to the ED with him, they stopped to take his girl-friend home. WTAF ?!! Of course he didn't die. You have my respect lady. Maybe you should think about a career change, (or more like a different specialty ... ). You've paid your dues. How about Peds (inpatient) ? My dad takes care of some of them, (cardiac anomalies) and they go home and never come back. They actually get better, and go on to be happy people.

I worked in an adult ED, the only peds we took were level ones or presented to triage and were to unstable for transfer. I dont like peds cause those are about the only ones that DO elicit an emotional response from me. With your example, multiple GSW, I'd be thinking 'hells yeah! Maybe we'll get to crack a chest!' Actually, I'd probably say it outloud if noone else in the room had. Most of the time you have a prehospital report, so your team goes through a quick runthrough of the ABCs (airway, breathing, circulation) so everyone is on the same page and you dont have a patient needing chest tubes rolling through the door without already having your chest tubes set up. Its organized chaos. And even when its a kid, its easy to compartmentalize because youre focused on your job. Its AFTER time of death is called or rolling them up to the OR that its hard. When an adult dies, my next thoughts are, ok, so whats going on with my other patients, I wonder if I have time to grab a cracker or go pee. With kids, most of the staff is crying.

I really enjoyed working acute MIs, respiratory failure, septic shock, full arrests etc. (Stroke alerts were too much paperwork though) Its not all emergencies, most of it is either "urgent" or bullshit. I hated the drug seeking assholes... What burned me out was the assanine behavior of demanding patients and their families. Some people are real assholes. I was assaulted a few times but never pursued it because it would have been really easy for an attorney to get the case dismissed.

If hell existed, it would be nonstop call lights.

As far as a career change,
I'm actually about to start in a fast paced CVICU (cardiovascular intensive care unit). The patient population is WAY different. Many get better. And noone is under 16. This is my stepping stone to CRNA school.

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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28-06-2014, 04:19 AM (This post was last modified: 28-06-2014 04:29 AM by Bucky Ball.)
RE: dead to me
(28-06-2014 01:06 AM)Nurse Wrote:  
(27-06-2014 11:22 PM)Bucky Ball Wrote:  I really don't know how you trauma people do it, and go home and turn it off. I could not, for more than about 15 minutes. People are amazingly stupid sometimes. The things I've seen could never compare to what you see. I was sitting outside Cedars Sinai once with a friend and these idiots pull up, and they push out this guy who had been shot in the chest. So he stumbles out, and my friend says "Just go in there, they'll help you". (haha). (Why is it the idiots live ?) So he checked on him later, and not only did they not call an ambulance, but on the way to the ED with him, they stopped to take his girl-friend home. WTAF ?!! Of course he didn't die. You have my respect lady. Maybe you should think about a career change, (or more like a different specialty ... ). You've paid your dues. How about Peds (inpatient) ? My dad takes care of some of them, (cardiac anomalies) and they go home and never come back. They actually get better, and go on to be happy people.

I worked in an adult ED, the only peds we took were level ones or presented to triage and were to unstable for transfer. I dont like peds cause those are about the only ones that DO elicit an emotional response from me. With your example, multiple GSW, I'd be thinking 'hells yeah! Maybe we'll get to crack a chest!' Actually, I'd probably say it outloud if noone else in the room had. Most of the time you have a prehospital report, so your team goes through a quick runthrough of the ABCs (airway, breathing, circulation) so everyone is on the same page and you dont have a patient needing chest tubes rolling through the door without already having your chest tubes set up. Its organized chaos. And even when its a kid, its easy to compartmentalize because youre focused on your job. Its AFTER time of death is called or rolling them up to the OR that its hard. When an adult dies, my next thoughts are, ok, so whats going on with my other patients, I wonder if I have time to grab a cracker or go pee. With kids, most of the staff is crying.

I really enjoyed working acute MIs, respiratory failure, septic shock, full arrests etc. (Stroke alerts were too much paperwork though) Its not all emergencies, most of it is either "urgent" or bullshit. I hated the drug seeking assholes... What burned me out was the assanine behavior of demanding patients and their families. Some people are real assholes. I was assaulted a few times but never pursued it because it would have been really easy for an attorney to get the case dismissed.

If hell existed, it would be nonstop call lights.

As far as a career change,
I'm actually about to start in a fast paced CVICU (cardiovascular intensive care unit). The patient population is WAY different. Many get better. And noone is under 16. This is my stepping stone to CRNA school.

CVICU I could see. Rhythms are fun to figure out. Passing gas is a really good idea. "Shut 'em up, and put 'em out". Tongue
I would never do Peds ER. But Peds post-op when you get a few consecutive days with them, now and then you get a nice family, and fun bros and sises to get to know, and get 'em ready to go home, and they are too young to be assholes yet. My friends say that's not bad. My best friend is an ER doc. I was afraid it would turn him cynical. It didn't. He says "all I need is one nice person a day to help, who listens to what we say ... the rest I *process*".

Insufferable know-it-all.Einstein God has a plan for us. Please stop screwing it up with your prayers.
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28-06-2014, 05:01 AM
RE: dead to me
(26-06-2014 11:17 PM)Nurse Wrote:  Maybe this rambling makes sense to some of you:

I never thought breaking up with an imaginary friend could hurt so damn much. I just want to scream FUCK YOU GOD so loud, but hes not even real to hear me say it.

I go through periods where I feel this amazing freedom, and at others its just really depressing. I recently quit my job and have had a lot of time for self reflection. I'll be starting in a different unit at a new hospital in a few weeks.

I saw some truly horrific things working trauma. It is sooo much easier to handle (especially the kids) knowing that its not fate, or gods plan, or sin in the world thanks to Eve. Accidents happen, poor decisions happen, shit happens. Parents not putting their babies in carseats, that's not god's plan, that's stupidity...and heart wrenching. I'm usually pretty good at compartmentalizing, but some things can never be unseen or unheard. Christianity's answers just aren't good enough. God isnt good enough. I refuse to worship a mythical asshole.

The hard part for me is how delusional it was looking forward to meeting my biological father in heaven when I die. He was killed in a motorcycle accident when I was a few months old, and my family always talks about how he was so interesting and charming. How do you rationalize a good, loving, benevolent (petulant, angry, misogynistic, murdering, jealous..) god "taking" the life of a young preacher with a growing congregation, leaving his wife with two small children nearly destitute? God and his plan can kiss my ass. I shouldn't be a grown woman re-experiencing grief over loved ones that died years ago, suffering through denial and never making it to acceptance. They're dead. Gone. Forever. Just like god is dead to me.

Thanks for this awesome forum. I have spent countless hours sifting through advice and humor and philosophy and nerding out on science. It really helps.

Awesome story. I hold nurses in the highest respect, and wish you good luck in your new career path. Good to see you shook off the delusion and have embraced reason and logic as a solid methodology to comprehend the world around us. Welcome

"Belief is so often the death of reason" - Qyburn, Game of Thrones

"The Christian community continues to exist because the conclusions of the critical study of the Bible are largely withheld from them." -Hans Conzelmann (1915-1989)
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