demoralization and recovery
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24-06-2013, 08:03 AM
demoralization and recovery
Suppose I can say what I suffer from is in part demoralization. I am now in recovery mode, I guess you could say. If truth and nature are beautiful, then there is no reason to be demoralized except due to illusion... i mean what i the source of happiness and why do we need a reason to be happy? I left religion and Christianity in particular, and I didn't become a buddhist or a taoist or even start trying to practice tantra but I find myself thinking in these terms spontaneously, about illusion, and breaking it. I read everything, so I read lots of them. Anyway I was demoralized.. and still am to an extent- that's why it's recovery. The recovery takes two parts- illusion shattering/consciousness raising, and change, which includes life and lifestyle building, decisions, hard work, and behavioral changes. I am very interested in the science of behavior now-- who knew there were so many theories and ideas about the cause of behavior. I want to learn them all- theories of behavior, of loci of control, of behavioral intent- it's its own language! I love it.

I am in touch with my libido. The reason I hate masturbation is it prolongs the illusion, the fantasy that you are not working towards but you have given up on and you resign yourself to a poor substitute. I decided I'm not religious so I don't issue religious type moral judgments.. I hate anyone else moralizing to me, so who am I to moralize to another? Why would I even waste my energy or attention? Yet I do judge and discriminate in the world, in a secular or atheistic way. He who makes no judgments has no values or views of his own to guide him on his quest. So I connect to my libido, and it drives me. Sometimes it inspires me to build my mind, my "philosophy of accomplishment", sometimes it inspires me to approach women- although desire has to outweigh all fear and dread, but this is changing as I am manning up.. sometimes it gives me a fighting spirit, sometimes it causes me to focus on money and earning wealth and building career, and sometimes it focuses itself on my hobbies and passions. All things are valuable and I don't put one above the other, but I see libido in back of all of them.

Christianity has robbed me in so many ways I see now. It never terrified me, it never left me with so much guilt or shame.. I don't think. I saw the love aspect of God. I did subconsciously perceive him as always watching, the perfect voyeur or big brother, I recognize that now, but the biggest way it hurt me I think, is that it made me soft, too caring, loving, merciful, "good", turn the other cheek, a-sexual, renounce women, renounce the quest for wealth or worldly gain. To be fair I am also against pure carnality or drunken hedonism. I am for consciousness first.. and following that I am all for pleasure and avoiding pain, but first of all comes consciousness.

But I was demoralized, and I am demoralized by many things, by the outcome of various historical events. I found this thread
It was really good at the beginning- I just scanned it, and near the end also but there is all to I don't like. It's rare to find something I agree with 100 percent, and many fall into the dialectic trap. I could do without the theology of that thread, but I was really connecting with the sense of demoralization and alienation because of what is being deprived from us, or we are depriving ourselves of, which our ancestors apparently had access to. Well I am, by hook or by crook, attempting to gain back access to what is mine, my biological instinctive imperative. I never quit, my mind only becomes sharper, my morality more in question, my fighting spirit stronger, my flexibility greater, my insight deeper, my consciousness higher.. hopefully. Also, I'm aging. the physical changes of the brain itself may have something to do with my views and my consciousness.
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