depressed and working to overcome
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29-01-2015, 11:30 PM
depressed and working to overcome
Religion destroyed much of the opportunities I had to really experience life, and love and women. I could have hooked up or had passion with many women, in my travels and teaching overseas. I was ashamed or afraid of sex and hell. Why do religions all try to control sexuality and also masculinity? it's interesting, the church in the past favored masculinity, rihgt? Now it destroys gender differences or at least manhood. We're all supposed to cringe before almighty yahweh or else sing his praises like girlies. I'm not attacking girls by saying that- you know what I mean.

So I lost opportunities. I know whining about it won't help me. But at the same time, some reflection is good. It's better to blame religion than myself- except I was maybe a fool for buying into it. Why did I buy into that religion? That's a mystery!

About the individual personal development- when do ideas and worldview and filters of assessing the world enter into the boy-to-become-man, and does this phase ever end?

I see the world in a certain way, as do you- and this changes also with our states of mind.I'm very interested in the subject of states of mind. I always have been. That is mood or state of mind. They are so hard to keep where we want to, right, even though our best work always happens when we are in the best mood. So we can't be negative, right?

Oh I'm reading a book called 59 seconds, a friend recommended to me, about self-help and what the science says. I just started. I'm not in a hurry to learn anything anymore. I'm still curious, but not in a hurry. I'd rather read a little bit, dwell on it, process it, talk about it, maybe forget about it and then resume. I'm learning tax stuff, for class. Consolidated financial statements. That's what I'm learning, so I can get paid. Make partner.

I remember reading something someone said about Carl Jung once, and this became one of my filters, or bits of wisdom (which I regret). A guy got promoted. Carl Jung said he was sorry for that. A guy got demoted. Carl Jung congratulated him. I thought- in those days I was iconoclastic and eccentric, I thought that was interesting. Don't get attached and all. I've been against attachment, but why? Because I feel like possessions and attachments will possess me and constrain and restrict me? Nonsense, I've been more restricted as a free man wandering. No that was a good phase. But what afflicted me, not just affluenza but the overobsessiveness of guilt and renunciation that afflicts my race these days. It's ok to strive, to earn, to produce, and then to spend and enjoy, or to save for retirement. Don't go sell all you have and give to the poor. Don't make poverty a virtue. Youth is a capital asset that expires with time. Few I'm sure could live right so they would do it over the same way again. A lot of people say that maybe, but could that be self-deception?

Regret is a hard thing to face, so give me the power to face it.
because we have to learn what makes our moods less than wonderful, or whatever it takes to fix them.

I was always happiest working, achieving, turning my attention to something interesting and positive rather than chasing girls. But when they fell into my lap and I failed to capitalize on that because of my religion (and there are undoubtely other causes), that's a tragedy of religion. And not just about momentary pleasure. All my classmates are married and have children, fulfilling their racial duties better than I, the race patriot!! Well that's nuts.

Anyway, I just want to kick religion a bit. I want to always be in a good mood- which is a mood where I"m not thinking about mood but am in the flow, from one state or duty of life to another, seamlessly, acceptingly without resistance to the needs of the moment, without grudging anything. There's too much grudging on my part. I want to flow like cash to a successful business.

Guy on facebook freaking out that people don't get vaccinated. I don't know where I stand but they sound like religious fundamentalists, plus how can I trust mainstream medicine when they in the US still cut baby boys foreskins (and more) off. The true foreskin is the skin that hangs over the front, not that covers the glans. Those sick perverts. So they want me to believe them in other areas of medicine? Their trust is impaired like goodwill of a company going downhill. They want me to trust them? Trust has to be earned, buddy. Shame on them. Shame on them those doctors and the lawyers who protect them. Shame on them. Shame on them and the preachers who teach this is right. Shame on them for violating the rights of baby boys for making the first experience a baby boy has with his penis a painful one. I heap a thousand fold shame on those, for harming the innocent ones. Shame on the rabbis for violating the rights of babies of jewish parents, for whom their parents happen to be. Shame on everyone for not standing up when you have the chance or doing your best.

Shame is a necessary tool for social control. Social control is necessary for the tribe. Kind of the leadership or other factor determines what is required or what wins out, among competing values or principles. It can be kind of arbitrary- might is right- among two competing values- promote the successful or help the poor for example. For me, whatever heightens society and improves my race, is best. My race is my religion but I'm not an anti-semite and I believe the protocols are fake, but my race is my main value, I mean to say. It's not a religion per se in believing in spooks in the sky. It's certainly more valuable than that. So shame is necessary for group coherence. We live in an individualistic age (at least the white race is such). We are all so anti-shame, because we also in our society take the extreme example for everything. Of course the extreme examples are the worst- someone who was so shamed they killed themselves. Ok I'm not talking about that much shame. Shame on our culture for always going with extremes on certain issues. Labeling people and shaming them for no faults but doing what their instinct and conscience demanded. Shame on people who say what nature produces is perverted and what natural instincts compel us to do is wrong, whether through religion, like an Abrahamic religion, or through a modern ideology, like the ideology of equality or universal suffrage as the greatest good.

I feel my brain beset by parasites or pressures. Like if I think a certain thought, it will be wrong, so there are forces that try to block me thinking this or saying that. But I feel each day I'm testing, each day I get more courage to expand, and each day I research more. Some times I go on sites I once found interesting and opening, and now I find them boring, and banal. I see things with new eyes each day. I only hope there's progress, this leads somewhere, there's meaning. yeah I don't know, there's no life instruction book. We don't know where we come from or where we're going, so why not just ride it out and enjoy the ride?
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04-02-2015, 08:01 AM
RE: depressed and working to overcome
Don't beat yourself up. The shame and guilt that come with religion are toxic. It's tough stuff but, if you already have the guts to be a freethinker, you're tougher.

Hang in there!

"The truth must dazzle gradually / or every man be blind." Emily Dickinson
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