going to scream

[TheBeardedDude]

I just need to let lose before my head explodes. I'm not necessarily looking for input, I just need to say something.

I cried today for the first time since my uncle died. Full on blubbering like a baby. Life has me down. My Christmas "break" has been anything but.

I have not been able to go do any of my work for over a week, because we put my wife's car in the garage to find out what was wrong. No results after a week and then my little car dies (piston through the block.). So we have to put my wife back in her car that isn't running right in order for her to work. Find out yesterday that her boss is putting squeeze on her to have something done by this week's end or face being fired. We can't afford a new car. I've been baby sitting a teething baby because we can't take him to day care without having another car to go and pick him up. We still don't know what's going to happen on Friday. I feel like a failure. I feel like I may have to get a 2nd job or give up pursuing my PhD. My wife has put so much on the line and we have a kid. The parents will all be here at the end of the month for my sons birthday. Where will we be? What will we have to show for our time here? I feel like a failure. I'm at my wits end. I need to just know what is going to happen. Not knowing is the worst. How do I plan for my sons future at this stage? No internet at home means no real ability to talk with other people. I feel alone. My wife is having to work extra to get this stuff done by Friday. I feel isolated.

I'm not dead. I'm not dying. My son (although teething) is also healthy. We have health insurance. I have at least a week to figure something out. My mom loves us and may be able to help. But how much can I ask her to do? I feel like anything is too much.

I need a break from life. I'll stay home tomorrow again. I'll watch House while my son sleeps. We will play blocks. I'll try to remember to smile when he does. We will take a walk and get some fresh air. I need...I don't know what I need.