grief and family
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18-12-2013, 10:10 PM
grief and family
My grandpa passed away today at the age of 75 after his cancer came back and metastasized to his brain and killed him in a matter of days because the tumors started to hemorrhage. I live in the south (Texas) where it seems that everyone but my husband and I are very religious. My family is also religious, and we have all received hundreds of condolence messages and EVERY SINGLE ONE of them says "we are praying for you" and "your family is in our prayers." I am so tired of that!!! I am not ashamed of being an atheist, I don't hide it from my family. But I also don't talk about it a lot because I feel that it would be the same as religious people pushing their beliefs on me. I wanted to get on here to relieve some stress and blow off some steam without offending my family at this sad time. their faith comforts them, who am I to try to take that away? But I truly do not understand their thinking with the things they say at a time like this. My mawmaw and pawpaw were together for 55 yrs, and in the last days, he couldn't speak, but she went to him and he suddenly told her " you're my baby" like he always did. she says that god gave her that last gift. That would imply that this god was conscious of every moment with them and he chose to take his life in the horrible manner that it happened. to me, that means that this god is one cruel bastard, but the faithful conveniently do not think of that at all, they only see what my mawmaw saw, a blessing. Also, I am so freaking tired of the "praying" thing! Praying did nothing, it is away for the faithful to feel better about themselves without ACTUALLY having to do anything useful. I am sick of that shit. Why can't people really do something? Make sure my mawmaw isn't alone a few weeks down the road. After the funeral, when everyone else starts to go about their daily lives, when she is sitting alone at night in their bed, what good is any praying going to do?[/font]
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18-12-2013, 10:45 PM
RE: grief and family
Sorry to hear about your grandpa. Hug

Welcome to the forum, feel free to blow off all the steam you need to. Yes

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

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18-12-2013, 10:49 PM
RE: grief and family
Sorry for your loss.

Often people just don't know what to say at a time like this. We have talked before on here that this isn't the time to confront these things IRL. But do feel free to vent here.

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude. Sleepy
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18-12-2013, 10:55 PM
RE: grief and family
I'm deeply sorry for your loss. Death is hard...I think saying people are praying is just like saying there's nothing I can do to ease your pain.

Hugs


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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19-12-2013, 12:12 AM
RE: grief and family
I don't really mean that the praying thing is so horrible at a time like this, I realize that there really isn't a lot that people can do at this time, and it is comforting to know that you are not alone, that someone is thinking of you in a bad time. What I am really griping about with that is the times when people COULD do something to ease the suffering of others and instead they "pray" about it. A good example is also from my life. I take care of my mother, who has m.s., since her divorce 2 1/2 yrs ago. When I go to a family gathering or even see my aunts in town, they tell me that they are praying for my mom and me.These are the same people who have not come to take her to lunch, came to get her at all, 2 of the 3 have not called once literally unless someone was dying, in the whole time I have had her. So, yeah, screw praying in situations like that. How about taking her to lunch, letting her stay the night, volunteer to take her to a doctors appointment, hell, SOMETHING! They always semi-apologize and say that they are just so busy, they wish they could see her more. Ihave got a husband and four kids, 4 dogs, two rabbits, a goat, a garden, and a fuckin house to run, oh; and a full time job, they do not need to talk to me about "busy". doesn't this get under anyone else's skin? that is why I say that praying is just a way to assuage guilt from not getting off their asses and actually doing something. Ya know, I have never went to anything like this, and it actually is cathartic to have an outlet like this that is safe and is built of like-minded people. Usually the only sounding board is my husband and I love him for it. Thank you for listening.
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19-12-2013, 06:22 AM
RE: grief and family
This is the same situation as what brought me here - when my husband died.

I listened to the crap for days and weeks and finally had to go someplace to vent.

They mean well, but it gets sooo aggravating. My husband didn't get called "home" because god needs him, he is not sitting next to god looking out for me (for one thing he was an atheist), and he is certainly not sitting on a cloud playing the harp.

Prolonged praying releases endorphins and hence makes the person who is praying feel better. So they all like to do it, or more often, claim that they'll be doing it. I just wonder what percentage actually does anyway.

I totally understand where you are coming from. Just go ahead and vent - it helps a little. We don't mind, we feel the same way.

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19-12-2013, 06:49 AM
RE: grief and family
(19-12-2013 12:12 AM)tblgfkg Wrote:  I don't really mean that the praying thing is so horrible at a time like this, I realize that there really isn't a lot that people can do at this time, and it is comforting to know that you are not alone, that someone is thinking of you in a bad time. What I am really griping about with that is the times when people COULD do something to ease the suffering of others and instead they "pray" about it. A good example is also from my life. I take care of my mother, who has m.s., since her divorce 2 1/2 yrs ago. When I go to a family gathering or even see my aunts in town, they tell me that they are praying for my mom and me.These are the same people who have not come to take her to lunch, came to get her at all, 2 of the 3 have not called once literally unless someone was dying, in the whole time I have had her. So, yeah, screw praying in situations like that. How about taking her to lunch, letting her stay the night, volunteer to take her to a doctors appointment, hell, SOMETHING! They always semi-apologize and say that they are just so busy, they wish they could see her more. Ihave got a husband and four kids, 4 dogs, two rabbits, a goat, a garden, and a fuckin house to run, oh; and a full time job, they do not need to talk to me about "busy". doesn't this get under anyone else's skin? that is why I say that praying is just a way to assuage guilt from not getting off their asses and actually doing something. Ya know, I have never went to anything like this, and it actually is cathartic to have an outlet like this that is safe and is built of like-minded people. Usually the only sounding board is my husband and I love him for it. Thank you for listening.

when your emotions aren't flying high, send them a letter or email or call them, and tell them specifically that you want and need their help, and offer those suggestions you mentioned above. And then ask them, put them on the spot, for a date that you can expect them. Be firm, be direct, and kind. Don't get sidetracked into other topics. Many people will help when asked to personally but won't step up UNTIL they are asked. It happens in many situations. I'm sure with 4 kids you see it at school. The same small group of parents do all the class parties, the book fairs, the fundraisers, etc. Other parents won't step up until someone goes to them individually and asks for help with a particular task.

Prayers are an excuse for actually doing something, its used as a get out jail free card to get out of doing work.


I came here about the time of my Dads death, he was atheist too, I could just picture him rolling his eyes every time someone says they are praying for him.

Hug


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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19-12-2013, 08:40 AM
RE: grief and family
(18-12-2013 10:10 PM)tblgfkg Wrote:  My grandpa passed away today at the age of 75 after his cancer came back and metastasized to his brain and killed him in a matter of days because the tumors started to hemorrhage. I live in the south (Texas) where it seems that everyone but my husband and I are very religious. My family is also religious, and we have all received hundreds of condolence messages and EVERY SINGLE ONE of them says "we are praying for you" and "your family is in our prayers." I am so tired of that!!! I am not ashamed of being an atheist, I don't hide it from my family. But I also don't talk about it a lot because I feel that it would be the same as religious people pushing their beliefs on me. I wanted to get on here to relieve some stress and blow off some steam without offending my family at this sad time. their faith comforts them, who am I to try to take that away? But I truly do not understand their thinking with the things they say at a time like this. My mawmaw and pawpaw were together for 55 yrs, and in the last days, he couldn't speak, but she went to him and he suddenly told her " you're my baby" like he always did. she says that god gave her that last gift. That would imply that this god was conscious of every moment with them and he chose to take his life in the horrible manner that it happened. to me, that means that this god is one cruel bastard, but the faithful conveniently do not think of that at all, they only see what my mawmaw saw, a blessing. Also, I am so freaking tired of the "praying" thing! Praying did nothing, it is away for the faithful to feel better about themselves without ACTUALLY having to do anything useful. I am sick of that shit. Why can't people really do something? Make sure my mawmaw isn't alone a few weeks down the road. After the funeral, when everyone else starts to go about their daily lives, when she is sitting alone at night in their bed, what good is any praying going to do?[/font]


I am very sorry for your loss. Just buried my mama in November. I'm from the south so yes prayer was a very big part of the process with the funeral and burial.

not sure what to say........ except sorry for the loss of your grandpa. Hopefully you can see to mawmaw for awhile since the others will be relying on prayer to help her out.

((hug))

When I want your opinion I'll read your entrails.
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