holding a grudge against my mom
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13-02-2015, 05:48 PM
RE: holding a grudge against my mom
Do you want to find peace with it? Then you will. Parents are human too and make mistakes, sometimes very hurtful mistakes. She can't go back now and fix it. No use dwelling too long on the woulda coulda's that won't change or improve anything. Maybe ask her if she knew then, what she knows now, would she do things differently.
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13-02-2015, 05:49 PM
RE: holding a grudge against my mom
Good idea thanks Smile
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14-02-2015, 07:43 AM
RE: holding a grudge against my mom
(13-02-2015 05:49 PM)purpledaisies Wrote:  Good idea thanks Smile

Did your dad know he wasn't your father?

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14-02-2015, 09:25 AM
RE: holding a grudge against my mom
Aside from possible medical issues/needs, which seem to have not been an issue, you mother did nothing deliberately offensive. Did she actually lie or did she withhold information she saw to be inconsequential? What is on your birth certificate?

Maybe this is your chance and your mother's chance to start opening up... considering this all began as an act of non-communication.

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14-02-2015, 12:37 PM
RE: holding a grudge against my mom
I confronted her a year before it finally came out and she refused to talk about it.
My aunt sent me a mess that my dad is my pretend dad so I asked her about it and she refused. And no its not on my bc.
However my whole life I knew somethi n g was not right and always felt that dad wasn't my dad. But with mom you have to have it in black and white and even then she refuses to acknowledge it.
This has been a bad situation layered on top of an already rocky relationship with her. I knew she blamed me for ruining her life with just thr way she treated me.
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15-02-2015, 09:34 AM
RE: holding a grudge against my mom
It's impossible for any of us to really comment on specifics here because we don't have any real information, don't know you or your mother, and don't know the dynamics of your relationship. All any of us an do is look at this from a really high, generic point of view.

So, from a high level, ask yourself this: which is more likely - that your mother didn't tell you because she had good intentions (even if she was wrong) and thought it was best for you and her husband that the truth be kept and you grew up thinking this was not only your real family but your biological family? Or, that she had ill will and did this to hurt you and mess with you?

I would bet it's the former, and she meant well. That doesn't mean she was right (or wrong), it just means that she probably did what she did with good intentions. If you start any discussion on this assuming good will and good intentions, I suspect it will not only make it easier to talk with her about it, but also easier to get past it.

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15-02-2015, 01:09 PM
RE: holding a grudge against my mom
Thank you for that. I do believe she had some good intentions. However I know my mom well enough to know she also didn't want people to think she got pregnant before she got married. I believe that motivated her more then what was best for me.
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15-02-2015, 03:25 PM
RE: holding a grudge against my mom
(15-02-2015 01:09 PM)purpledaisies Wrote:  Thank you for that. I do believe she had some good intentions. However I know my mom well enough to know she also didn't want people to think she got pregnant before she got married. I believe that motivated her more then what was best for me.

and depending on her age and her environment (family, community, etc) it may have been a HUGE deal. 40- years ago pregnancy outside of marriage was still a no-no. And if her family/community could have increased the pressure. Think about how many people don't out themselves for being gay, atheist or other trait.

I remember when a person being 'divorced' was considered a naughty thing. People would whisper it when talking.

a child outside of marriage was social suicide in some circles and could change your whole life, from employment opportunitues, to who would rent to you, who your kids could play with, who would date you. Its quite possible that what was best for you was to have food on the table and a roof over your head.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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15-02-2015, 03:51 PM
RE: holding a grudge against my mom
To a degree however her mom my gma told her that my bio dad needed to know and encouraged her tell. She told my sil on her death bed as she didn't want to die with that secret. Only thing I'd she thought she was talking to me instead of my sil. We look similar both have dark hair and about the same height and weight. GMA had Alzheimer's So it wasn't hard to believe she thought she was talking to me.
So no most of moms environment coming from family and friends that pressured her it was mainly the christain community. I remember one time I was dating my now husband and she tried to give him money to go marry me just so the church wouldn't find out we were soening the night with each other. So that is her mind setm .
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15-02-2015, 06:04 PM
RE: holding a grudge against my mom
Forgive your mom. It will set YOU free...
Who knows what her reasons were...and this doesn't mean you have to pretend it all didn't happen. It just means you don't have to carry around the weight of anger over it, so you can move on. Forgiveness sets us free. **hugs**

Be true to yourself. Heart
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